Preview Map

Advance Date Rape

Creator: Guan_Yunchang || First Published: 12/17/2005 || Players: 2 || Size: 20x20

Create Game

View Games

Planner

Map Analysis

View

Export

View Favorites

Categories: None

Rating:

2.70 in 10 ratings

For design map discussion or to get suggestions from other users, visit the AWBW Discord Chat!

Comments:

Kiyobi (12/17/2005 11:09pm):
is the name supposed to hint on a pun or something? because I don't get it.

Kindle FTW

Shadow Star (12/22/2005 10:26pm):
too much capturing. Kindle powers all the way. of course with Sami sneaking a unit to the
HQ is pretty easy. and destructive. not much choice except for Kindle, Sami, and Sensei

randomizer (01/08/2006 08:17pm):
There's also Lash...

Optimus Prime (03/12/2006 12:02pm):
Lash is a good choice, but this map was made for Kindle. This is just another one of
AWBW's terrible maps. For every good map, there's like, seven bad ones.

jaku (05/02/2006 01:06pm):
too much capturing

Nyvelion (05/04/2006 04:00pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Belgain Roffles (05/22/2006 11:06pm):
10 Just for the name.

Ultra Storm (05/23/2006 07:39am | Edited: 05/23/2006 07:40am):
Sensei is pretty broken too with his powers.

nyvelion2 (07/20/2006 11:47am):
"Belgain Roffles (05/23/2006 02:06am):
10 Just for the name."

I hate you.

Shadow Star (08/10/2006 11:39am):
why are there BH units for GS?

Tempest79797 (09/08/2006 01:22pm):
great name

FiniteStrike (10/04/2006 04:49pm | Edited: 10/04/2006 04:50pm):
Why does no one seem to be able to use the right units*? I mean its not that difficult!

* in regards to Grey Sky/Black Hole

Nyvelion (04/04/2015 03:36pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:10am):
Website looks different now.
I can't seem to find anything that stays the same over time.
Happened to me too. This isn't me anymore.

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:30pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:32pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:35pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:36pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:37pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:37pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Nyvelion (04/14/2015 03:43pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:10am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:11am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:13am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:25am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:14am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:25am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:15am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:04am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:16am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:25am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:39am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:25am):
-

Nyvelion (04/16/2015 10:39am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/23/2015 09:08am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:25am):
-

Nyvelion (04/23/2015 09:09am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 07:45am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:25am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 07:54am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 07:55am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 07:55am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 03:45pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 03:49pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 03:50pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 03:53pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 03:55pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/27/2015 04:05pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 11:00am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 11:34am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 11:35am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 11:41am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 12:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:05am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 01:10pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 02:57pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 04:44pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 05:51pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/28/2015 05:55pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:26am):
-

Nyvelion (04/29/2015 05:36am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (04/29/2015 09:46am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (04/29/2015 12:06pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (04/30/2015 10:51am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/01/2015 09:10am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/01/2015 09:14am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/01/2015 09:21am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/02/2015 01:33pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/02/2015 04:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/03/2015 09:54pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/03/2015 10:42pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/04/2015 07:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/04/2015 08:40am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/04/2015 09:03am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/04/2015 09:21am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/04/2015 11:42am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/04/2015 01:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 07:49am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 08:13am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 08:34am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:06am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 09:04am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:27am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 11:08am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 11:13am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 11:31am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/05/2015 01:59pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 08:23am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 10:44am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 12:51pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 03:54pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 03:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:00pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:07am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:22pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:31pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:32pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:28am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:33pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:46pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:47pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:49pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:53pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 04:55pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 05:00pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 08:07pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 08:19pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/06/2015 08:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 02:02am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 02:03am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 02:06am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 02:11am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 02:31am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:29am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 03:00am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:14am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:16am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:20am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:20am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:21am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:08am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:23am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:30am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:32am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:39am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:44am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:48am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 11:56am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 02:29pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:30am):
-

Nyvelion (05/07/2015 05:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 02:25am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 03:21am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 08:21am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 08:26am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 08:30am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 09:19am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 09:22am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:09am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:13am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:15am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:17am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:09am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:41am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:45am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:50am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:50am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 11:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:31am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 12:00pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 12:00pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 12:32pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 01:13pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 02:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 02:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 04:25pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 06:57pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/08/2015 07:32pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/09/2015 02:29am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/09/2015 03:15am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/09/2015 08:49am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/09/2015 09:33am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:10am):
-

Nyvelion (05/09/2015 01:11pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 01:54am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 03:17am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:32am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 03:38am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 03:49am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 03:52am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 08:01am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/10/2015 12:49pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 06:14am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 06:17am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 08:28am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 08:30am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 01:10pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 01:12pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 01:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 01:16pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:33am):
-

Nyvelion (05/11/2015 01:17pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 12:20pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 04:29pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 09:31pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:11am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 09:33pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 09:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 09:37pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 09:40pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/12/2015 09:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 06:50am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 09:26am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 09:28am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 10:48am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 11:00am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 11:09am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 12:06pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 12:36pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 01:11pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:34am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 02:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 03:05pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:12am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 04:30pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 04:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 05:22pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 06:06pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 08:09pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/13/2015 09:15pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 06:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 07:44am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 10:49am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 11:30am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 01:04pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 01:05pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 01:11pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 01:51pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 01:51pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 03:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:13am):
-

Nyvelion (05/14/2015 03:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:17pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:14am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:18pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:14am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:21pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:35am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:26pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:36am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:27pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:14am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:27pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:36am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:36am):
-

Nyvelion (05/15/2015 04:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:14am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 04:52am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:36am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 05:06am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:14am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 05:39am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 05:42am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 05:43am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 06:07am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:37am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 09:32am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 03:57pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 04:49pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:37am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 04:52pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 04:52pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 04:53pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/16/2015 09:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 06:57am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 07:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 07:55am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:15am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 07:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 07:59am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 08:11am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:16am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 08:33am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 08:42am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:38am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 09:26am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:16am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 12:23pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:39am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 01:58pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:16am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 03:19pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:16am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 07:13pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:39am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 09:21pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:16am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 09:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:39am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 09:37pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 09:42pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:10pm):
-

Nyvelion (05/17/2015 09:43pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:16am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 06:23am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:17am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 07:26am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 07:31am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 07:57am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:17am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 08:07am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:17am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 08:25am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:17am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 10:56am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:17am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 10:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 11:15am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 12:59pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:17am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 01:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:18am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 01:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:18am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 02:08pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:18am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 04:07pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 04:09pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:18am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 04:13pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:18am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 04:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 04:24pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 04:46pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:18am):
-

Nyvelion (05/18/2015 09:43pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:19am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 06:35am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:19am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 06:49am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:19am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 06:50am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 08:32am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:40am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 09:19am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 09:25am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:19am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 10:24am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:19am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 12:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 12:16pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 12:32pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 08:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 09:12pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/19/2015 09:13pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 08:50am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 10:07am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:20am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 10:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 10:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 11:01am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 03:57pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/20/2015 05:02pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 01:55am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 08:15am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 08:25am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 10:21am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 12:13pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:21am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 12:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 01:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 01:02pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:04pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:20pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:33pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 04:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/21/2015 05:10pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 08:17am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 08:19am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 08:20am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:22am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 11:20am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 11:44am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:41am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 03:02pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 03:25pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 04:02pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 04:37pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 04:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 04:49pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 04:50pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 04:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 07:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:23am):
-

Nyvelion (05/22/2015 08:25pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:24am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/23/2015 05:53pm | Edited: 09/21/2024 10:09pm):
Hey, Jacqueline. I happened to stumble upon this string of comments. This probably won't
mean anything to you considering I'm just some random 17-year-old who wastes his time on
the internet, but for what it's worth, I have the ultimate respect and sympathy for you.
It's hard to be genuine over the internet, or even in person, but I mean what I say. I
cannot even come close to fathom the pain, anxiety, and fear at the degree at which you
experience it, and that makes you a strong individual for holding out as long as you have,
whether you believe it or not. I know these words, although not empty, will not save you,
or turn you, or give you a new light, but I feel obligated to say something. If even a
little support from some weirdo (me, obviously) on the internet makes you feel the
slightest bit better, I will have succeeded. As a target of my own self-loathing, that's
sometimes what I think I need.

I hope this doesn't put a negative spin on things, but I have gained disgusting, painful,
agonizing knowledge that will affect me for the better. I've never encountered an admitted
rape survivor. I've never truly understood the tragedies that emerge from such an
unforgivable act until now, and even so, I cannot comprehend the full scope of which.
Don't get me wrong, I've always known that rape "damages people" and have refrained from
making humorous references to it. But like I said this is the first story from a real
person about the real, lasting damage this causes. So, I thank you, I wish I didn't have
to, for sharing your emotions, even if you never expected anyone to read any of this,
except for the asshole who made this map.

I apologize if any of my PM's/Map comments were callous and apathetic. For one, I assumed
it was just your online persona. And on the other hand, it's easy for me to joke about
emotions and self-hate because I experience this as well. However, my situation pales in
comparison to yours. As a result this is motivation for me to be less of a pussy and
overcome my miniscule problems. Thank you again. I still wish I didn't have to.
Stay strong,
Sincerely, D.*.*.
("Daphne Asterisk Asterisk")

(Edit: new name)

Jackie Milton (05/25/2015 11:57am):
Ick.. reading through my comment, I now realize how much I sound like a self-righteous
douchebag. That's not to say I don't support your stuggle, because I do (reading through
your comments literally made me cry), but this isn't any of my business. I'm sorry. I know
I'm not making any difference, and even if I am, it's probably not for the better. I
always hate when people try to sympathize with me, it just makes me hate myself even more.
I really hope you find some peace someday so you can live the rest of your life without
fear. I would take your burden if I could. I would trade mine for yours. This my sound
naive and uneducated, but if I could spare one person at the expense of myself, I would do
it. But then again, here arises my self-righteousness... I apologize.

For the record, I will not share this page with anyone, or even talk about it to anyone.
See you around,
-D

Jackie Milton (05/25/2015 09:39pm | Edited: 09/21/2024 10:09pm):
I've never been inside anyone else's head before. Odd enough for me to find a mind so
familiar to me. I know this place. But how can I? You, Jacqueline, have been robbed of
your very self; I have been robbed of nothing. In fact, I've had a very good life, how can
I relate to someone who has faced so much terror? I don't know. All I know is that these
walls feel like mine. It's like how the buggers in Ender's Game found him through his
fantasy game. This is how I know God exists. Too much coincidence. Maybe not the best god,
but he's my god.

Funny (In a Gary Jules: Mad World Sense), how unique we think we are, only find the same
monologues drifting through thousands, maybe millions of different people. All have
different situations, all fight different battles, but I guess at the very bottom level,
at least we're not alone.

With your permission, Jacqueline, I'd like to join your monologue. It's kind of cozy in
here. Home almost. I am being serious, though, and I don't want to give you the impression
that this is just some game of emotions that I've decided to play.

If not. I understand. I can delete all these comments if you want. It was stupid and
selfish of me to comment to begin with, but if I dig my grave deep enough, maybe I'll come
out on the other side, eh? Bad joke. I'd most likely be enveloped by the molten center of
the earth if my shovel hasn't melted and I'm in some fancy earth-digging suit. yay
science.... Anyway, let me know, I entered without knocking, sorry.
-Daphne

Nyvelion (05/26/2015 12:12pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:42am):
-

Nyvelion (05/26/2015 04:03pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:42am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/26/2015 04:31pm):
Wait. No. Not at all. I was just attempting to work on a lengthy response. Though I'm not
as poetic as you are.

Thank you for letting me in. Hopefully I can break your monotony a little. I've got lots
to talk about. "My experiences" may be limited as there's not really much to tell, but my
over-analyzation and obsessiveness does quite a bit of talking. Plus, I hop on any chance
I get to descend into the depths of heavy metal philosophy.

Nyvelion (05/26/2015 04:33pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:42am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/26/2015 04:43pm):
That's fine. I do too.

It's not that I really reference heavy/extreme metal, I just like to think about it, black
metal in particular. It took me a while to appreciate the really harsh stuff, but there's
something beautiful in someone screaming at the top of their lungs. Something raw, gritty,
truthful.

Nyvelion (05/26/2015 05:16pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:42am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/26/2015 05:48pm):
Honestly, Black Metal is probably right up your alley. Judging from some of these
comments, you would probably make an excellent lyricist. It's kind of a weird atmosphere;
It is harsh and hateful, but at the same time goofy and ridiculous. It's a strange irony.
I think that's why I like it so much. It kind of resembles my own depression. Anyway,
enough of that...for now.

I don't really need a long reply. I was just trying to figure out how I would tackle
everything in your response. At the base of it, I was just going to say that I'll try not
to make our AWBW experience weird for either of us. Too bad I'm weird, haha. But yeah. I
will do my best not to be "too careful."

Jackie Milton (05/27/2015 04:44pm | Edited: 07/25/2015 12:26am):
I guess I could start off talking about who I am before I jump into my self-loathing.

Like I said, I'm 17. Right at peak of my pretentious and angsty years (maybe not). I live
in Michigan and attend a small, rural high school. I'm an Eagle Scout (Something
that has more meaning to others than it does myself), and I participate in FIRST Robotics
(actually pretty cool). I also have a lot of involvement in music. I play clarinet in
band, bass in jazz band (not fun to listen to, so fun to play), and I write and arrange a
lot of music; it is a nice distracting past-time. And of course I love listening to music,
or "music" as some might say.

I have plans and backups for my future regarding school and employment, so I'm not really
a "hopeless" type. I like to think that I'm the kind of person that will push towards
success regardless of my setbacks, but only time will tell. I want to become an engineer
in order to fund my dream of archaeology/anthropology/ethnography. I love people.
Civilization. The good, the bad, the battles, the victories, the defeats, the ignorance,
the wisdom, the agony, the joy. Just not myself. I am weak, self-destructive, fake. I
truly find joy through others (exceptions may apply), and for that, I am thankful that I
do find joy unlike so many others, possibly like you, to whom the light of happiness
cannot reach for one reason or another. But I'm not happy. Just occasionally entertained.

Unlike you, nothing has happened to me. I have not been raped, molested, abused, orphaned
or anything of the like. Rather, I have accumulated thoughts, feelings, emotions, and
analizations that have built up within me over years of tiny traumas. Most of which are
self-inflicted. Though a singular event screwed me up pretty good, it was after I screwed
myself up enough. I can talk about that later.

I'm not a very good person. This is the basis for my attitude/"motivations". I can explain
each of these in detail, and a probably will anyway but here are the reasons supporting
exhibit A. I'm wasteful. I'm Selfish. I can't communicate with people. I won't communicate
with people (R/L people, not that you aren't real, but this is the internet). I'm not a
good friend. I straight-up hate myself (because I'm a bad person because I hate myself.
stupid). I'm stupid

Jackie Milton (05/27/2015 04:58pm):
ergh.... I put too much energy into that comment just to have it be cut off...
Let me try to remember all I wrote down. *que tirade*

... Taking to my greatest influence/role model (father) makes me want to rip my eyes out
and vomit. Most people probably have these problems at some point in their lives, but
somehow I can't deal with them. I'm pathetic. I don't deserve my friends/family/life/mind,
I haven't earned any of it.

I can probably at to the list, but that's enough for now. The point is that these problems
are all creations of my own mind. I should be able to help it, but I can't/don't. I can't
complain about my life, but I do, and I guess I punish myself for it. I respect you so
much, Jacqueline, because if I were in your position, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I
would have ended it years ago. You are still standing, maybe not on two legs, but strong
enough is all the strength you need.

Nyvelion (05/28/2015 03:47pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Nyvelion (05/28/2015 08:35pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/28/2015 08:54pm):
I know. And I'm not really asking for help/advice. I'm not sure that either of us are
equipped to do that. Besides, I have a counselor for that. It's probably impossible for us
to really know each other, but reading through here I know our minds work the same and
that makes us kind of similar. I'm glad that I can share on here though, it's kind of a
friendship I've wanted to have. I hope we can be friends.

You don't need to feel bad for me, and you probably wish the same of me. I want you to
feel better too, and conquer your fears and win your battles; I want everyone to feel
better. I guess some don't deserve that, but where is that line drawn? Me? I can't
possibly say...

Nyvelion (05/28/2015 09:03pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/28/2015 09:41pm):
Hugs are nice. Songs are nice too. I love music. Not everything I listen to is harsh and
loud, although I do love that too. REM is my favorite band. There's a lot of emotion that
Michael Stipe put into his work. Being queer, he had a lot of adversity with society
itself and that occasionally finds its way into his music. Some stuff is political, but a
lot of it just deals with the pain and emotions everyone deals with. "Try Not to Breathe"
is a great song about letting go close friends on their deathbeds. that sort of thing.
"Country Feedback" is also an amazing song. It's about failed relationships, but I think
in our case it maybe more applies to the relationships of us with ourselves.

Jackie Milton (05/30/2015 12:47pm):
I'm bad at this sort of thing too. I'm not sure that anyone knows who I really am, or at
least who I think I am. Maybe my therapist is an exception. Still, it's hard to convey my
thoughts. Probably because I don't want to, but then I feel like I have to. But no one
wants to hear that. I think we all wear masks and hide ourselves as to not make others
feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I have taken off my mask, but only to realize why I keep it on.

This one time I got to explaining all the reasons I would never commit suicide.
Paraphrasing, the recipient said, "Okay... that's enough" and left. That made me realize
how screwed up I must be if I have to have a list of reasons not to kill myself. I guess
that was for the better, a nice slap in the face. But now that I am more conscious of
realities of my inner fantasy, it just makes me hate myself more. I think that's the only
part about counseling that hasn't been for the better. If I'm going to therapy, there must
be something wrong with me, so now I'm going to therapy to fix what's wrong with me...
cyclical. stupid.

This other time, I was in class, and I was dwelling on something. Well not something, me,
as I usually do. I must have been looking pretty distraught, or at least distraught enough
for the kid sitting next to me to ask, "Are you okay?". Bad question. I decided to be
honest. He was an exchange kid that I never really knew, so I really had nothing to lose
opening up; he would be gone before long and I would have let out some steam. Anyway, I
explained to him how I was depressed because I hate myself, and how I hate myself because
I hate myself.... same reaction as the other kid.

So, I don't really open up to people. It's awful. The closer we are, the less you probably
know about me. I try to put a positive spin on it. If I don't share my pain with the
world, the less pain the world has to deal with.

Jackie Milton (05/30/2015 12:50pm):
By "positive" I mean morbid and self-righteous.... I'm not as humble as I want to be.

Nyvelion (05/30/2015 01:26pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/30/2015 06:58pm):
Well it's not so much that those individuals said anything bad (Obviously nothing helpful
-- directly), rather pretty normal. I think people avoid this sort of thing because they
don't know how to react, or help, or whatever. I can't say I'm an exception, although I
try to be. But at the same time, people are courteous but don't actually care.

Jackie Milton (05/30/2015 08:28pm):
I can't say that I did not wait a long time to discuss my emotions. I can remember
thoughts of self-loathing and low self-esteem since I was in the fourth grade. So I've
been dealing with this for quite a while. That makes about 7-8 years of bottling myself
up. Even still, I'm not genuine... even my kindness is inevitably based around some
selfish motive.

Nyvelion (05/30/2015 08:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/30/2015 10:55pm):
No. I appreciate your input. Input keeps me sane. Or at least within the bounds of some
sort of sanity. And it's not like I'm giving a play-by-play either. You have to fill in
some of the blanks, eh? But that's just the thing. I can't open up to my close
friends/family, especially my parents. It's scary. I'm not supposed to hate myself. I'm
supposed to be happy...

Jackie Milton (05/31/2015 08:52pm):
Well I've rambled on enough about myself, I can whine later. I like discussing music (I
have a narrow conversation scope...). But you obviously like music too, enough to sing. Do
you write your own songs?

Nyvelion (05/31/2015 09:04pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/31/2015 09:57pm):
That's nice. I think there's something beautiful about that sort of improvisation. When I
started writing music, I didn't know jack about chords and progressions and much anything,
really. It was kind of magical when I threw something together that sounded good.

Nyvelion (05/31/2015 10:12pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/01/2015 07:14am):
Do you ever sing with anyone else? Close friend or something? Were you in choir ever?

Nyvelion (06/01/2015 08:03am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/01/2015 04:14pm):
(The more we chat, the more I think you embody black metal. You should read into it. I
loved it before I listened to it. I don't think that can happen the other way around.)

I did mean chorus, I guess I use those interchangeably. Personally, I think music is the
best thing to come from the church, but I'm pretty agnostic, so I don't have much
affiliation with any specific religion. I like concepts from many places, Islam, Satanism
(LaVeyan), Christianity primarily; but most of that is just the philosophical side, not
the faith. I have no faith. Anyway (weird tangent), I think what I like most about playing
others' music is it gives me an idea of what I want my music to be like (or not like), but
I totally get it. There's not much expression singing someone else's words.

Jackie Milton (06/01/2015 10:08pm):
I'm no good at singing. My dad is. My mom is not. at all. She tries, which is probably
good for her, but not for us, haha... I can hum pitches for tuning and dictation, but
forget crackless melody. I would like to learn how to do guttural vocals, but that doesn't
qualify as singing. However, given my circumstances, I don't have a career in classical
singing on the line should I decide to express myself by "vomiting" into a microphone.

Do you have a favorite song/band/genre that you really resonate with?

Nyvelion (06/02/2015 08:52am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:43am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/02/2015 12:29pm):
Music means so much to me, it's hard for me to not talk about it.

I'll be honest, it took me a long time to get used to harsh vocals. For a while, I was
like, "I'll never like death metal, that's horrible", but then late I was like, "I like
death metal, but black metal is horrible". Now I love it. It`s something you have to want
to like. It's by no means "easy listening"

But there's a lot different styles in the genre. Lots of beautiful music in ambient,
atmospheric, and melodic black metal. Actual singing`s not taboo, I actually prefer it.
Svartyn by Mistur even has a female clean section. Orakle has a really interesting ep,
lots of male cleans. Moonlit Twilight is amazing ambient. No vocals, not heavy. In fact,
I'm generally drawn to female vocalists. Kind of a wierd niche. Alissa White-Gluz is
pretty amazing, she's a hero of mine. There aren't a whole lot of women in metal. the
ratio is about 20:1, but the ladies that do it, mean it.

Don't think I'm trying to convert you. I'm just trying to share my thoughts of finding the
beauty in something blatantly ugly. But you're right, most of these musicians and
"musicians" are privledged teenagers; they don't know pain like you do. Unless you know
where to look/know what to look for, most BM does sound the same, and not very good. I
don't really like the non-melodic stuff.

I always like instrumental stuff. Lyrics don't really do much for me. That's why harsh
vocals are appealing to me: I can't understand what they say. My favorite theme of all
time is The Corridor of Death from the game Serious Sam.

Jackie Milton (06/02/2015 03:24pm):
Moonlit Wake. Not Moonlit Twilight.
Let me know if I'm blathering on and you don't want to talk about this. I blather, sorry.
People need to stop me from blathering...

Nyvelion (06/02/2015 03:30pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:44am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/02/2015 04:03pm):
Yeah I spose so. Alrighty, we'll probably come back to this some other time, you know,
when you finally love black metal, hahahahhaha...
Anyway... I'm curious about "Nyvelion" does it mean something? Or did it just sound cool?

Nyvelion (06/02/2015 04:18pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:10pm):
-
I suppose it's hard now not ask how you chose Jackie Milton, since that is not your real name?
Don't have to answer, I like taking questions. Just curious now that I'm thinking about
names.

Jackie Milton (06/02/2015 07:30pm):
Well, it's a long story. Really. Long. Story, so here are some options. Do you want the
short short version, or the long short version?

Nyvelion (06/02/2015 07:45pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:09am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/02/2015 08:14pm):
Oh... I was hoping to tell you. Instead I'll give you the short, lame short version.
Jackie Milton is a fictitious character of my imagination in a long story (of my
imagination), but he's important to me because he's essentially a justification of my
existence. That about sums up about 7 years of fantasy in my head. I will say that I only
use it as my screen name sometimes, because some of my friends like my story. Plus, it
helps me keep some anonymity on the internet.

So what's up next on the questions menu?

Nyvelion (06/02/2015 09:20pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:09am):
-

Nyvelion (06/02/2015 09:25pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:08am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/02/2015 10:29pm):
Yeah, Jackie's not an actual person, unless you mean me, but we're not that similar. I
might tell pieces of the story, but it's kinda silly and contrived.

I guess I'm the other way around with questions. I'd rather ask than answer. Just had a
conversation with my dad. Don't always have those, but when I do, I get so stressed and
embarrassed my head shuts down. Not his fault. Answers to questions flee away leaving only
"I don't know..." behind.

I am obligated to keep checking this, but for me. Honestly, I haven't shared much if not
any of the stuff I post here with my r/l friends. Shows you how close I let people get...
Also, if it helps you to get thoughts out on here, please by all means do it. If it
interrupts our flow, so what? I won't be offended, and I can still just listen. I always
considered keeping a journal to write down my thoughts about things, but I'm too
unorganized for that. I hope I'm not scribbling in yours too much. :)

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 10:05am | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:08am):
-

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 01:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:08am):
-

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 01:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:08am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/03/2015 02:09pm | Edited: 06/03/2015 02:26pm):
I'm always hesitant to use the phrase "Real life friends" because my online friends are
real friends, not a bunch of Jackie Miltons. Of course there is a different, but it's not
much different that interacting with friends long distance. My dad doesn't like me to play
mmo's a lot, and I get it, people waste their lives on those things, but I don't think
he'd have much of a problem if I had a pen pal. Weird. Life is weird. People are weird.
Ick. I just want to be a salamander or something.

PL's comments in that map were strange and cringy to say the least. I don't know what
happens in his head, but it can't be good.... You bring up an interesting topic about
being a woman in a community ridden with thirsty boys. I've though about this quite a bit
actually, trying to imagine what it's like. I don't think I'd like that one bit. It's got
to be exhausting being hit on all the time. I have a friend in a really similar situation.
She's a merit badge counselor at a Boy Scout Camp. I don't think I could put up with that
crap. Especially considering what the kids (Like13 mind you) in my motorboating class
fantasised about doing to the lifegaurd. Boys are disgusting... Maybe men are too.
Everybody's gross.

On a side note, I'd like to say that it really means a lot to me that you appreciate my
company in here. Not a lot of people include me in things. I get all giddy when I get
graduation invitations from people. I'm probably likely to fall for something stupid
because of that. Probably pretty easy to manipulate me. Thank you.

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 03:25pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:07am):
-

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 03:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:07am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/03/2015 03:34pm):
I'm sorry. Bad wording.
It sounds like I'm taking it lightly, I'm not.
It's serious and it's fucked up.

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 03:36pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:07am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/03/2015 05:03pm):
It's not that I have a problem with THE Boy Scouts, just a large percentage of boy scouts
and people in general. Even though being Eagle doesn't mean anything to me, most
everything else in scouting has. It's a good organization. Lot's of flaws and hypocrisies,
no doubt, but it builds people who work for it. But it's obviously not 100%; as mentioned
previously, not everyone is respectful or at least learning respect.

The only thing I think I do that's not male-dominated is clarinet. Not very manly, but I
chose that so I could work on my social skills, plus I like it. But I don't really have
any experience or suggestion in activities that aren't 95% male. I guess you could pick up
the clarinet or flute and join a local concert band, but you don't need "coulds" and
"shoulds" from me. So there. I've effectively said nothing.

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 05:55pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:07am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/03/2015 08:06pm):
I guess not. Maybe I'll keep saying nothing to keep the ambiance :)
Moonlit Wake - Enduring Faith. Good song.

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 08:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:07am):
-

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 08:54pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:07am):
-

Nyvelion (06/03/2015 09:01pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:06am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/03/2015 10:38pm):
You aren't using me. I'm here because I want to be. It was just kind of a realization I
had. Strange how similar we are although in different shoes. I can only take your
knowledge and hope I don't make similar mistakes...

Nyvelion (06/04/2015 04:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:06am):
-

Nyvelion (06/04/2015 04:37pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:06am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/04/2015 08:28pm):
I never actually learned how to ride a bike until the summer between 6th and 7th grade.
Something I really never had interest in. I guess we take for granted what we don't do
that others can't do. I do feel a little bad about it, though. You see, I've picked up a
hobby of lifting weights. That's the only thing that makes me feel strong, even if I can't
lift that much, at least I know I'm getting stronger... Everything else reminds me that if
not physically weak, I'm still a weak person. I'd be at a loss if I couldn't do that...

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:54am | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:06am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 02:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:06am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 04:53pm):
You mentioned in a post way up the chain that you are a mother. Doesn't that bring you any
joy? I look forward to having children, children that grow up to be better than I am. I
have this theory that bad fathers make great sons, and not that I plan on being a bad
father (I want to be a great one), but I know I'm a bad person. That's one of the several
things that keeps me going; even if I can't do good for the world, I know my kids will. I
guess earlier I said I have no faith, I suppose that's not wholly true...
If I'm out of my bounds, you don't have to answer.

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 05:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:06am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:16pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:05am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 07:26pm):
I'm sure it has. I think that's really awesome. That's definitely a battle worth fighting.
I can't imagine how hard that must be on your own, but I know you must be really strong to
be able support your child alone :)

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:27pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:05am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:05am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:43pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:05am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:44pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:05am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:47pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:04am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:48pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:04am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:50pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:04am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:04am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 07:57pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:04am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:05pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:04am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:07pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:03am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:09pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:03am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:03am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 08:14pm):
Sick bastard...

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:19pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:03am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:20pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:03am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:24pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:03am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:30pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:33pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:34pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:35pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:02am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:41pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:01am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:43pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:01am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 08:44pm):
The internet empowers bad people... disgusting, worthless people...

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:01am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:57pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:01am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 08:58pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:01am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:00pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:01am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 09:03pm):
You can't understand a psychopath...

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:03pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:05pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 09:07pm):
I don't know. I don't know how to help. I wish I could help you.

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:07pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:08pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:09pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:11pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 09:11pm):
Please don't be sorry. I know you aren't asking me, but I wish I could comfort you... you
shouldn't have to bear all this pain...

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:11pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:13pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 09:14pm):
People do that sort of thing because they can't be defended against. They're sick cowards
who destroy people behind a mask, no accountability, no punishment.

Nyvelion (06/05/2015 09:20pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/05/2015 09:24pm):
Please feel better...

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 03:15am | Edited: 05/16/2020 08:00am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 03:26am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 03:28am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 03:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 04:02am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 04:03am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 04:04am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 04:08am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 05:37am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:59am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 05:47am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 05:48am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 05:54am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 01:30pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 01:31pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 06:55pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 07:39pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:58am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 07:49pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:57am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 07:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:57am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 07:59pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:57am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 08:02pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:57am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 08:08pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:57am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 08:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:57am):
-

Nyvelion (06/06/2015 08:48pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:56am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/06/2015 10:40pm):
Oh yeah, that was me, sorry for not letting you know. Although, that does raise the
question of who has stumbled on this and has not said anything, it's a lot to jump into,
and it's hard to know what to say. Maybe easier for me because I can relate to
self-loathing, on loop in my head... But I imagine people may have found this as it isn't
that difficult.
Nyvelion user profile: Guan_Yunchang's Profile, "Oh that map has 470 comments on it,
interesting." That's how I found this, anyway.

Let me try to give a different perspective about the offensive comments (I'm assuming
online by the immature male community). They don't care about you. Not whether or not
you're comfortable, or whether or not you're respected. But this also goes two ways; they
don't necessarily want to hurt you or disturb you (although inevitable). They want female
attention even if online, and they think they can acquire that be being edgy, immature,
and inconsiderate. This is probably because they are generally chauvinistic and think
women respond well to guys make them feel objectified. Is it okay? No. Should they be
forgiven? Of course not. They're just entitled pricks on the internet. At least this has
been my observation. Maybe that answers some questions? You might be taking it too
personally. I always take stuff too personally. I guess I assume people are as
passive-aggressive and conniving as I am. I read into things too much, always stresses me
out...
I apologize if that was to blunt and/or ignorant.

Nyvelion (06/07/2015 10:01am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:56am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/07/2015 08:31pm):
It's not logical thinking, well maybe it is. It's selfish... That's it. There's the logic.

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 03:46am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:56am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 03:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:56am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 07:17am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:56am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 07:30am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 07:31am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 08:56am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 08:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 11:04am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 11:18am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 11:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:55am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 11:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 12:05pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 12:08pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 03:58pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/08/2015 04:12pm):
I want to disagree with this last bit, but that would make me a hypocrite... No one
deserves what you went/are going through. but then I feel the same way about everything
that comes my way. I deserve it. I'm paying for my sins and misdeeds... I accept it. I
shouldn't. Sometimes I just want to leave my body just so I can slap myself in the face a
couple times. I think my biggest problem is not that I need a reality check, I know the
reality, I just don't accept the reality...

I think an attempt to contact Golby is a good idea. If successful, I hope you can get a
little bit of peace. One scenario is that he apologizes for destroying you here, in your
home. Of course this won't make everything better and absolutely does not justify his
actions, but wouldn't that be worth something? It's been 8(?) years. There's a chance he
may have changed and can recognize his wrongdoing, and possibly attempt to atone to you.
On the other hand, he's still an insecure, selfish internet predator, in which you could
try to prod him for the "why's."

If you "deserve" anything, it's that knowledge you need.

I hope I'm being helpful... I'm probably out of my depth...

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 04:15pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/08/2015 04:16pm):
Other last bit... I was composing that while you were posting that newer message, I guess.

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 04:18pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Nyvelion (06/08/2015 04:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/08/2015 09:34pm):
I think that's a wise choice. Difficult to say, though, whether he uses the email on his
user profile. I made like 6 hotmail accounts for my pets on fb when I played farmville...
ick. That's pretty embarrassing... Anyway, I hope you have some success with that. Good luck.

(Btw, if you ever want/need to chat, I can pm you my skype details. I'm not always
available, but If I'm online, it usually means I'm there.)

Nyvelion (06/09/2015 02:24pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:54am):
-

Nyvelion (06/09/2015 03:28pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Nyvelion (06/09/2015 04:14pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/09/2015 10:08pm):
Sorry to hear... but I guess I figured that was going to be the result. However, Golby
does have a hidden email address. This may be some shady shit, but does the guy who runs
amarriner have access to that? Maybe a less wise route though...

Nyvelion (06/10/2015 01:32am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/10/2015 10:28am):
Good point. I wish you would have been able to contact him. Hopefully that would have
cleared some things up...

Nyvelion (06/10/2015 03:23pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Nyvelion (06/10/2015 05:17pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/10/2015 05:47pm):
That's badass. You're badass :)
I mean it.

Nyvelion (06/12/2015 02:12pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/13/2015 12:49am):
I know. I know. I know I can't remember what it's like to be carefree, nonstressed,
nonanxious, self-loving. It's been so long for me, I don't even know what it's like to be
that way... happy. But I still think you're strong for trying to contact this Golby...

Jackie Milton (06/15/2015 11:07am):
...I guess I figured out why I can't talk to my dad... or at least why it's so excruciating.
Knowing still doesn't change that though.
If only I had my shit together... job. girlfriend. friends. extroversion. a life.
Or at least the appearance that I have my shit together. But I try that. No avail...
I'm so embarrassed about myself... anything worth talking about isn't worth talking about.
"I made some friends on online games"
"Call your actual friends and spend time with them"

It all inevitably ends with how I'm an unsatisfactory person, not that's my parents'
intention, but that's the result. Sometimes I have something to prove myself; that usually
saves me from one conversation, but then back to having nothing to say...
I have nothing to say, so I don't say anything.
"How can we know what you're thinking if you don't tell us anything?"
...that's the point...
I'm bad a communicating.
I think this makes me a bad son.
What kind of son is unable to talk to his father...

Nyvelion (06/15/2015 11:47am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:53am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/15/2015 12:59pm):
The thing is that his expectations aren't unrealistic and he is very proud of me... He
wants me to be happy and successful, but it just seems like his help makes me feel unhappy
and less successful. Whenever he tries to help me, I just feel like he has no faith in my
social success. He wouldn't have to help me if he didn't think I needed it. I do need it,
but I can't take it. I need to prove to myself that I can be successful...

In actuality, I have very good parents, and I wouldn't trade them for any others. But
there's a rift of misunderstanding that I don't know if I can bridge. It seems like every
time I try to explain myself the rift gets bigger and bigger... He wants me to be happy. I
want to be happy. Maybe my definition is harsher. Maybe I am happy by his definition... I
love the life that I have, I love my friends. Regardless, "yes" is the correct answer to
the question "Are you happy?".

You mention greed. You're right. Or at least right in the sense of my motivation whether
it is a good motivation or not. I don't want the focus to be on me. I would rather help
other people, deal with their issues, revel in their successes. Maybe this is why I don't
like to linger on my own achievements, that is unless I've really earned it. Music
projects: yes. Eagle Scout: no... Scouts in general: absolutely, but that's more of a way
of living.

I don't know if I'm trying to please others. Maybe I am. I think I just want to be able to
communicate, make talking not awkward, not stressful, but I can't... If it is about
pleasing, then I guess my father is the only one I'm trying to please. I may care a little
about what my friends think, but that pales in comparison. It's a debt. that's what it is.
My parents are intelligent, wise people. They put so much time into raising me to be happy
and successful, I just feel like I'm wasting it... All that hard work... and I feel
neither happy nor successful.

At some level, I probably need to just get a grip.
I wish I was too stupid to realize how stupid I am..

Nyvelion (06/15/2015 01:43pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:52am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/15/2015 02:14pm):
No. You're fine. I haven't given you much to go on. Maybe we're both bad a communicating,
haha...
For what it's worth, it all means a lot to me. I don't think one can really understand
someone through internet messages, but I appreciate your opinions, even if misinterpreted.
Anyway, I don't expect you to know answers and I don't think you expect any from me, but I
think all this blathering will help us see different perspectives that we haven't considered.

So please, don't apologize for misunderstanding, it helps me fill in some blanks and holes
in my logic. Or "logic"...

Jackie Milton (06/16/2015 04:50pm):
I hope my new map didn't upset you. Or not the map, the rules. If you want me to unpublish
it, just ask...

Nyvelion (06/16/2015 04:56pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:52am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/16/2015 05:10pm):
K. I believe in free speech, a truism in America that I hope will not break...
So your comments being there is up to your discretion.
I personally have no preference and I think you fight a good battle.

Nyvelion (06/17/2015 03:32pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:52am):
-

Nyvelion (06/17/2015 03:42pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:52am):
-

Nyvelion (06/17/2015 04:24pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:52am):
-

Nyvelion (06/17/2015 04:27pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:52am):
-

Nyvelion (06/17/2015 04:29pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/17/2015 05:34pm | Edited: 06/17/2015 05:41pm):
Who was he? A student at your high school?

Nyvelion (06/17/2015 06:54pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/17/2015 11:18pm):
I'm so sorry...
I guess there's not really much to say about him though. A rapist is a rapist. That's it.
Nothing else matters about them... They should have "rapist" tattooed to their foreheads
to let everyone know what they really are...

Nyvelion (06/18/2015 09:10am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/18/2015 10:14am | Edited: 06/18/2015 10:14am):
No, you're right. That was a stupid thing of me to say... I don't actually know what it's
like, I just want you to have justice...
Who am I to issue the punishments of people?
I suppose if there is a god, that's his/her job..
And if there isn't, it's most definitely not mine.

Nyvelion (06/18/2015 10:32am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

Nyvelion (06/18/2015 10:35am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/18/2015 11:28am):
I'm agnostic. I appreciate people with faith, but not people who use it to blind and
callous themselves like you mentioned.

My god is not omnipotent, nor all-knowing. This kind of god makes sense to me. To have an
all-powerful god that creates a bunch of people pushing them to their inevitable doom just
for fun seems silly and trivial to me. And then we look to more reality to discover that
all religions are a tool to justify actions and answer questions so the likelihood is that
there is no god at all. I guess I'm somewhat in the middle in that my god knows very
little and my actions aren't really justified by it. If you want, I can describe this a
little more in depth. Anyway, I'm not suggesting at all that any of this is God's plan,
but rather the actions of individuals.

walkerboh01 (06/18/2015 08:26pm):
Hi guys. I just found this today, the exact same way that Jackie Milton did. I'll be honest, I didn't
read every word posted in here, but I read a lot of it. I'm really glad that Jackie Milton decided
to post here before me, it seems like it's helped both of you to some extent. I'm not going to add
any disclaimers here about how I feel or whether I can help - there's nothing new I can add to
the PM I wrote you previously Jacqueline.

Anyways, above all else, I don't want to interfere or meddle here. I know this is very personal
for both of you, and I don't want to disrupt or destroy a place where you feel safe. But I feel like
I cannot see this and say nothing. If you guys want, I will do nothing else and not post in here or
say a word to either of you or anyone else. I want to respect your privacy and wishes.

But it's my strong recommendation that while you should continue talking, you shouldn't
continue this discussion here. A Skype chat, or some other truly private communication method
would be much better. Although a very high percentage of people are good people who would
want nothing but to help and comfort, there are still definite risks to posting so much personal
information on the internet for all to see. Jacqueline, literally the last thing that I want to happen
(and I would never forgive myself if it did and I could've prevented it), is for someone to stumble
on this page and use it to intimidate, threaten, or harm you in any way.

If you do want to continue this discussion, at the very least I will unpublish this map. That will
make it very unlikely for anyone else to find it (you can still access it normally by saving the
URL, so you could still talk). Otherwise, with your permission, I will delete this map and all of its
comments. The map name itself is offensive enough that I feel justified deleting it regardless of
whether this conversation was here or not. In fact, I think this is a good time for me to do a
thorough audit of offensive or inappropriate map names and scrub them from existence. The
name of this map and the hurt it can cause... Very few things make me really angry, but this
definitely does.

Jacqueline, I know we spoke briefly before, but I just want to reiterate that I am always available
if you need someone to talk to. If you guys are both amenable, I would be happy to chat and get
to know you both better. If not, I understand completely and will respect your privacy. You don't
have to worry about me saying anything to someone else.

Please let me know if there's any way I can help.

Cheers,
Walker

PS: This is super trivial but Jacqueline, you never messaged me back about if you're ready to
start your AWBW Speed Dating Round 2 game. I can start the game now if you're ready.
Incidentally, that's why I was checking your profile (to see when you were last active) and that's
how I found this page. =)

Jackie Milton (06/18/2015 09:55pm):
Howdy Walker. Welcome to our dungeon, I guess. Probably a good name for it. Maybe the
sewer... we kinda dump all our shit here. It's a weird place. It's filled with despair...
and reassurance. Naivety.. wisdom. Insanity... reality. Hate... friendship.

Sorry you had to stumble on us, but you raise a good point less for my sake more for
Jacqueline's. This is dangerous information in the wrong hands. Jacqueline will have to be
the decider, though; this is hers and I'm mostly a guest, so to speak. However, I will
toss in my two bits. This has been a good place for me to place my thoughts and work
through things. It would be nice to have available for reference on my part. Plus there's
a little bit of sentimentality. So I guess I prefer an unpublish as opposed to the latter.
Of course, like I said, Jacqueline's decision. I will be content with anything.

Thanks Walker

walkerboh01 (06/20/2015 02:33am):
For now I'm going to unpublish. If either of you has another preference, please shoot me a PM.
I probably won't check this map page again with any frequency. And hopefully I didn't scare
Jacqueline away... =(

Nyvelion (06/20/2015 03:56am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

walkerboh01 (06/20/2015 04:32am):
I reverted the change. Take whatever time you need.

Jackie Milton (06/20/2015 10:01am):
I'm sorry...

Nyvelion (06/20/2015 01:55pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:51am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/20/2015 03:31pm):
Well put. I'm perfectly fine with this being open.

walkerboh01 (06/20/2015 06:47pm):
Thanks for the well thought-out response, Jacqueline. I agree that you don't have any reason to
regret what you've said here. I am mostly talking about the open invitations for abuse when I
talk about risks - but you're right that no one should be able to find you from the information
you've provided. And if you feel strong enough to deal with people who might try to verbally
take advantage of you, then the last thing you need is me getting in your way. That strength
from you is inspiring. And I think it's an indication that you're right about leaving this open, since
it's quite a change in tone from the early comments here.

Nyvelion (06/20/2015 07:38pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:50am):
-

Nyvelion (06/20/2015 08:02pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:50am):
-

Nyvelion (06/20/2015 08:10pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:50am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/20/2015 09:54pm):
You're a good person.
I'm glad to call you my friend.
:)

Jackie Milton (06/21/2015 11:12pm):
Friend... that's an interesting word. Maybe just to me; I guess I overthink things too
much anyway. The word "friend" means a lot to me. I guess in simplest terms, someone who
cares. I tend to use this interchangeably with "love". They both mean the same to me. Or
rather, love is a measure of friendship. Specifically, how close one can comfortably be to
someone else. I love my friends, but how can I know if they love me back? I think about
this very often, considering who are my "friends" and who truly cares about me (and then
getting upset because I think about myself too often, but later, or not). It usually comes
down to who seems willing, or enjoys spending time with me. That feels good. "Do you want
to hang out?" Are you kidding? I'm there. I didn't even know people liked me. "Come to my
grad party", "I want to take a graduation picture with you". That among many other things
gives me motivation. That is, unless I feel guilty that people are wasting their time on
me. But I do my best not to think that way... even if it's their poor choice in friends,
that attitude won't do any of us any good. These invitations probably wouldn't be so
profound if they happened more regularly, which, amazingly, are occurring more often
lately. Still, some of the people I appreciate the most don't really bother to include me.
I suppose that keeps me down a lot, but thinking on it now, typing it out, I either A, let
it go and be thankful of the friends I have, or B, try harder and be thankful of the
friends I have. I seem to be a greedy person; why do I want more attention when I probably
don't deserve the amazing friends I have? If that's human nature, I want to be inhuman. If
that's just my being selfish, I don't want that. I don't really think I'm that great of a
friend, same justification as a son, as a person. I don't open up. I don't expose myself.
I don't share my vulnerabilities ('cept on here, obviously). How can my friends trust me
when I can't seem to trust them enough to share my feelings about things? Is that how
embarrassed I am? I guess so. Weird how I justify this: I'm sparing them the burden of
myself. Maybe I am, or maybe I'm just giving them the burden of dragging along their
emotionless "friend".

Jackie Milton (06/21/2015 11:14pm):
Probably could have sectioned that into paragraphs... Whatever. It's not like I'm being
graded, sorry. Well not in that way at least. But on the contrary, I don't think I'd be
upset at all if a teacher stumbled on this and corrected everything I said... lol.

Jackie Milton (06/23/2015 04:48pm | Edited: 06/23/2015 06:57pm):
I think you should listen to "Justice for Saint Mary" by Diablo Swing Orchestra.
Eventually. Or not. Your choice. I wrote a big 'ol thing to precede this, but something
was lost and I was being pretentious again...

Anyway, let me know what you think. That is unless you don't listen, then tell me what you
think about something else.
~I should iterate that the music itself is not important, although it is a pretty good
song in general.

Nyvelion (06/24/2015 02:47am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:49am):
-

Nyvelion (06/24/2015 02:53am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:49am):
-

Nyvelion (06/24/2015 02:55am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:49am):
-

Nyvelion (06/24/2015 02:57am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:49am):
-

Nyvelion (06/24/2015 02:58am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:49am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/25/2015 06:54am):
Eh, doesn't matter whether or not you stay on topic or change the course. We're both on
here rambling. Also, if there is something you want to talk about, you won't be pressuring
anyone to talk any more than if it were any other conversation. I doubt you would make me
uncomfortable here, not that I'm challenging you to make me feel uncomfortable...

I don't know if I have any good wisdom on friendship; it's always seemed to be somewhat of
a mystery to me. I just know the friends I have are sacred. People that care about me, or
at least people that give me the illusion that they do.

Nyvelion (06/25/2015 08:23am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:48am):
-

Nyvelion (06/25/2015 08:32am | Edited: 06/26/2015 06:52am):
OOH. Here's something I can ramble about.

A big part of why I don't mind being called Jackie instead of Jacqueline is that, for
reasons I don't even understand about myself, I really don't like the sound my name being
pronounced with two syllables. It's the French way to pronounce it, Jack-LEEN, with the
first part being pronounced in that really frenchie way that annoys me. I HATE hearing that.

Most people say Jack-uh-lynn, which works for me, anything with three syllables isn't
annoying, though I really like the sounds of either Jack-well-in or Jah-qua-lynn, but if
that's too hard then the first pronunciation will work, or Jackie. Or Jem, even though
getting used to that on occasion causes people to get my attention saying the word "gem"
when not meaning to.

Even online, I think it would bug me I thought someone was thinking my name was pronounced
Jack-LEEN. But I can't really prove that in any case. If I could though it would annoy me.

And then there's these abominable alternate spellings of my name. "Jacquelyn"? My name
doesn't need a Y! "Jaclyn"?? Wth is that supposed to be?? That's just encouraging people
to say it with two syllables! Ridiculous...

walkerboh01 (06/25/2015 11:38pm):
Well if you really don't mind talking about yourself more, there are a couple things I was curious about. If it's
too personal just let me know, I won't mind.

First, I was really surprised to learn you had a daughter. Especially with how traumatized you've been by being
raped and your insecurities around men now, I can't believe you were comfortable enough with someone to get
that close. You also mentioned single mother, so it didn't last. I'd love to hear the story.

How much has having your daughter helped you get through rough patches? I imagine that would give you a
huge motivation to help yourself, in order to be able to raise your daughter better. Especially as she gets older.
Do you think you'll ever tell her about your experience?

How much did you tell your parents/brother about being raped? If not nothing, what did they suggest? I was
surprised you didn't report it at first, but thinking more about it I understand what you mean about it being too
hard to prove, and way too much stress/trauma to face. Do you regret that at all or wish you'd acted differently
afterwards?

I'm sorry if this is too personal, I'm trying to be honest about my thoughts/reactions to what you've shared.

walkerboh01 (06/25/2015 11:43pm):
Oh and for what it's worth, I pronounce your name "Jack-ell-inn" in my head. I don't think I've
ever heard someone pronounce it with 2 syllables as "Jack-leen", what weirdos. That'd be like
pronouncing Duncan's name "Doon-cane". Which... is actually kind of cool now that I think
about it.

Nyvelion (06/26/2015 06:16am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:48am):
-

Nyvelion (06/26/2015 06:36am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:46am):
-

Nyvelion (06/26/2015 06:51am | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:47am):
-

Nyvelion (06/29/2015 04:59pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:47am):
-

Nyvelion (06/29/2015 05:04pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:47am):
-

Jackie Milton (06/29/2015 06:02pm):
Not scared away... I'm always checking this page now... I know I should have wrote
something a little sooner. Sorry. I don't mean to be inconsiderate, I was just thinking
about writing some convoluted thing about parents and lack of communication.

Anyway, I often think about being a parent, hoping my children outdo me. I always imagine
it will be very difficult for me, but ultimately my kids come out on top. I guess I
already talked about this, but I think across the board parents don't want their children
to make the same mistakes they did. Not that I need a corollary for this, but my best
friend is in a weird position. His parents are biker-metalheads and he looks up to that (I
think it's pretty cool too), so he has somewhat adopted a lot of that mentality. He makes
some poor choices regarding drugs and not thinking before he lights a firecracker in a
school locker......... BUT, he's a good kid. The weird part is that his parents make/have
made similar choices or do similar things. I don't think it's effective to punish your kid
for smoking weed when you have a joint in your hand... Anyway, it's obvious they don't
want him to make their mistakes, but I think it's inevitable that people will make their
own mistakes. I guess all parents can do is give their kids knowledge and wisdom to
prevent and recover from any missteps they encounter. I think that would be one difficult
job, to say the least.

Welp. I Obviously have no experience in the matter, so I'm not sure this should be taken
too seriously. Just my observations on parenting...

I've never really gotten into any political conversations. I think about politics a lot,
but it just seems to me that the people I know who talk about politics the most know the
least about what they're saying. Sometimes, if people are annoying and I can't drown them
out with my music, I'll play devil's advocate a little and try to challenge silly beliefs
about things. I think it's accurate to say that I'm pretty Liberal regarding my political
opinions. Anyway, shoot. I'll do my best to fuel the convo intelligently.

walkerboh01 (06/30/2015 12:32pm):
I think your answers were very interesting, Jacqueline, I just haven't had time to gather my thoughts and
respond yet. Thanks for answering though, I do appreciate that. In general I won't post here that often, just chip
in with my two cents or unrelated questions now and then...

I'm also glad you're doing better than two months ago. That did not seem healthy. :)

Nyvelion (07/01/2015 02:25pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:47am):
-

Jackie Milton (07/01/2015 04:17pm):
I know, but you're my friend and I feel responsible to be as convenient as possible for
you, and for me. This page allows me to get some thoughts out. Anyway, I probably get as
paranoid as you do, but there's little changing that, eh?

I don't think anyone can be a perfect parent (Unless someone has experienced every evil
and every good ever), and therefore, I don't think anyone can be an expert on it. The way
I see it is that you're going through a maze in the dark and you just have to rely on your
instincts and experience. I assuming the end of the maze is that one's children are happy.
At least, that's what my parents want. But what if I'm not? And it's not their fault,
unless it's a side effect of raising me to think independantly.. I Just feel like being
unhappy is a disservice to hard work. Am I really unhappy? I guess that all comes back to
definition. I'm definitely "happy that" if not "happy". I'm happy that I have the life I
have. I'm happy that I have the friends I have. I'm happy that I was raised the way I was.
Is that enough? Am I overthinking all of it? Is anyone ever truly content with themselves?
Dammit, I can't know these things. The only thing I'm unhappy about is my imperfection.
huh. That's sounds pretty selfish. Dang. I might be the epitome of teenage angst....

Jackie Milton (07/04/2015 09:53pm):
(05/07/2015 2:03 a.m.)
My real life friends... I can't even be honest with them. I can't tell them anything. If
I'm too terrified of what they'd think of me, do I deserve them either? I try not to think
of that while here, but it's hard to avoid...

hmm. amazing how similarly we think. I bet you can guess which lyric stands out most to me
in that song I posted.

Jackie Milton (07/05/2015 12:12am | Edited: 07/05/2015 10:00pm):
have you seen the movie Mary and Max? If not, it's on netflix for a couple more days. I
highly recommend it.

~Maybe I should have given some context... I just watched it last night. It's a movie
about friendship, I guess is a good way to put it. Some things in it reminded me of this.

Jackie Milton (07/09/2015 11:59pm):
So you've not responded for acouple days (not an issue. I think it will get old if we keep
apologizing for not responding in a "timely" fashion. Maybe we can trust that the other
will reply, eventually) and been away from AWBW for about a day, which for some reason
really bothered me. It brought to mind how invested I get in internet friendships and how
anxious I get about them. I'm not sure if it's unhealthy. Regardless if our friendship is
mutual or not, You still mean a lot to me as your my only friend who has a grasp of what
it's like inside my head. I think I mighI t invest too much energy into these sorts of
relationships. I mean, people have real lives. Real jobs. Real responsibilities. Real
Friends... this happens often in Star Wars Galaxies that my firends will disappear. But I
guess it's a good reality check, plus it got by butt off the computer for some good time.
Some leave and return but I still remember my biggest reality check from that game.

The 2-Day Friendship of Meja Corr
Sitting in the cantina probably blathering about metal. Someone walks up and notices my
cat Varg Vikernes (lol still funny) blah blah blah, "hey we both play bass", That sort of
thing. Lots of common ground. Nice to chat with someone with whom you share many
interests. Anyway, day ends with something like "I'm really glad I met you". Pretty cool.
Felt pretty nice about that. Anyway, come the next day, I log on, shoot her a PM about
giving her a present (a resource spawned with her name, pretty legit tbh (Also a chance
that it's not a "her" but doesn't matter , anyway)). Anyway, she seems really annoyed and
out of the blue is like "what's your endgame" all Spanish Inquisition Flip-Out Montage.
And Boom! gone forever. That really stressed me out. Few days pass I realize I putting way
too much energy into this stupid game. I always have to remember to find a good balance
between games and my emotions, not that I'm always wasting away in front of a computer,
but sometimes I am...

Pathetic story time over. No Moral. No punchline. The End

Also, don't feel obligated to respond immediately because of this.

Jackie Milton (07/23/2015 01:56pm):
Although I miss your being here, I'm not going to go on about it. I hope you come back, but if you don't, I can
respect that. So now that that is there, time to be self-centered.....

This is probably the most stressful summer I've ever had. A barrage of expectations, demands,
responsibilities, and relationships (or lack thereof). So let's tackle then one at a time.

I'm expected to get a job. No big deal. I need a job, or at least some way to make money. Not the issue. The
issue is how I'm talked to about getting a job. My parents seem to think I'm stupid or so wrapped up in my
own world that I'm too blind to understand what I need to do. This goes for my friendships especially. "you
need to talk to *****, girls don't like to be ignored". Really? Well thank you for your wisdom, master. I'll write
that down: people like attention... Maybe I am stupid and that's why they do that to me. I mean Idon't have a
job or a girlfriend or friends that make me a priority. I must be doing something wrong. Stupid is an umbrella
for laziness, selfishness, and ignorance. I don't think I'd want to make that a priority eiher. I guess it's
justified, but I'd rather not be capable one minute, then utterly helpless the next. One or the other...

Jackie Milton (08/02/2015 07:16pm):
Goodness... I'm so whiny. I wonder if I'll look back on this years from now and see how
awful I was. Or, maybe I'll still be angsty and cynical. But this whole thing wasn't about
me of course; I get way too self-absorbed. No, this was/is Jacqueline's, not mine. I just
asked to hop on for the ride. I hope I haven't made it worse here. I'll probably keep
droning on about things for a while...

Jackie Milton (08/04/2015 11:23pm | Edited: 08/04/2015 11:26pm):
I don't think I'm very good with people. I'm kind of a dick. Probably minus the "kind of"
part. Well, maybe that's too broad, I do think I'm a pretty professional person when it
comes to professional interactions. I don't think I'm good at building and maintaining
relationships with people. I'm probably way too blunt about things, and I'm really
passive-aggressive. I try to be friendly and helpful, but people mistake that as being
passive-aggressive too. People always think I'm being sarcastic too. Maybe I am. I want to
be genuine, but I don't like my genuine self. I can't imagine people would like that any
more than my more enthusiastic, less depressing, non-self-loathing "people self". Many
say that you shouldn't care what other people think. I can see how avoiding negativity is
healthy of course, but I don't understand how this can be universally applicable. Isn't
part of being human finding other humans who value your efforts? Especially
hedonistically. Don't people seek appreciation from others? I care what people think.
Definitely selfishly, but also altruistically. I like being a positive part of anyone's
life. But I'm a dick. Not a good duality. That's why I try to keep my dickishness in my
metaphorical pants. I mean no one wants to hear someone drone on and on about why he
hate himself because he hates himself. How do you respond to that awkwardness? Oh, I know.
See above (Too lazy to copy here). I always want to spend time with people, but I really
want people to want to spend time with me. That would let me know that I'm doing something
right.

Speaking of not doing things right, hey, get this; my mom thinks I don't like her. Dang.
How awful of a son do I have to be for that? As needy and over-reactive as she can be
sometimes, that's still screwed up. Wth is wrong with me? Am I really that apathetic and
callous? I must be in my head so much that I block everything else out. I probably make
people feel really uncomfortable around me looking all mopey all the time. It's not even
that I'm depressed, sometimes, even most of the time I'm thinking about lots of other
things, really deeply. I never like getting asked the question "what's wrong" or "what's
up", because I know it's followed by "you look sad". I'm crazy, and definitely get a lot
of crap on here, but not all of me is totally insane... Then I always feel guilty, because
regardless of what I was thinking about, now it's about how I always make things awkward
because I always look "sad". Maybe I just have a resting bitch face. Or maybe a restless
bitch face, given the circumstances (what do you think about my sense of humor?). I wish I
was a robot that could be programmed with a different set of GPPs. I also wish I was just
a good person, or I could trade lives someone who is a good person who deserves my life
more than I do. I do a lot of wishing. I don't think that's healthy, especially because
with one hand full of poop, I could spread some kind of illness. But on a serious note, I
have to deal with the life I have, the cards I'm given, and the cards I deal myself. Not
really much use in bitching about it here (or anywhere for that matter) other than just
getting it out. I would like a friend or 2 of mine to read what I've written here. I'm too
much of a pussy to share it head on. Besides that, I think it would give them a glimpse of
truly how damaging sexual assault can be. If I do share, I'll be absolutely sure that this
won't be exploited in any way. I really don't want to abridge your trust, Jacqueline. I
would hate myself forever. At least however much you trust me. I'm not sure if I'm
trustworthy... I hope everything works out for both of us. And everybody. I hope
everything works out.

Xmo5 (08/20/2015 12:57am):
Well, looks like I'm late to the party, if that's what you want to call it. Needless to
say, I found this the same way as everybody else, but in my case I was just checking to
see if Nyvelion's profile showed any activity. Finally, I gave up and decided to see what
was so important about Guan_Yunchang's profile, only to find a map with a rape themed
title with over 500 comments; I put the pieces together pretty quickly. As of now,
Jacqueline's been inactive for over a month, which I've found quite saddening, because it
does feel empty around here without her. I hope that if she's found a healthy way to move
on by leaving AWBW, that things continue to go her way, but Jacqueline, if you do come
back, please know that you don't have to feel ashamed, or judged, or anything else, at
least not from me, or anyone else in this thread as far as I can tell. I know I'm not the
only one who misses you, but again, if you've found a way to move on, please don't
compromise that for our sakes. :)

This sort of segues into one of the things that I noticed in this conversation that I
really wanted to talk about. Jacqueline, you mentioned that you think the word "love"
doesn't apply to friends, but I have to respectfully strongly disagree. One thing I've
found over the years is that I'm tremendous at feeling compassion for others, even if I'm
not always the best at communicating it, and I have what I would consider to be a genuine
love for a lot more people than you would think. No, people like Kim Kardashian don't
count, but reading through these comments, a strong feeling of love and friendship comes
over me simply by seeing the genuine connection between people who need a place to talk
about the demons they face, whatever they may be. To me, "love" is a feeling of
attraction, devotion, and willingness to sacrifice for another, and I have no problem
feeling those things, and in a completely non-romantic way. I love my wife, and I love her
dearly, and nobody else could possibly fill that space in my life. However, I also love my
parents, and my sisters, but it's certainly not the same love. Similarly, I feel love and
compassion for my friends, and I wouldn't hesitate to include this group (and various
others on the internet) among my friends. Just like how "love" doesn't look the same in
every situation, I don't see why "friend" has to be limited to the real world; clearly
this conversation has more than demonstrated a good friendship.

Anyway, enough about that. I feel strangely out of place here because nothing I've ever
experienced could compare to any of the dialogue here, but nonetheless, my compassion
urges me forward in the hopes that whatever conversation may follow (serious or otherwise)
will bring about a positive change in someone's life. I can relate most to Jackie
(Duncan), because I also went through some relatively minor teenage angst. Mostly, I was a
fairly unpopular kid with minimal social skills and a small group of close friends. I was
horribly awkward and extremely shy when it came to any romantic interest because I have a
terrible fear of being "wrong". In other words, if I thought a girl liked me and I asked
her out, only to be rejected, I would be so horribly embarrassed that I probably never
would have done it again. (So it came to pass that my first girlfriend was the one that
was beyond obviously head over heels for me... and then I married her before she got away
and I had to try again :P) During those years, I related strongly to the character Squall
from FF VIII- I had true feelings about a lot of things, but I mostly just preferred to
stay silent and blend into the background. At the same time, everyone seemed to have
expectations for me and wanted me to takes jumps and stop being a "hermit", which was my
nickname among some of my friends. Mostly because I sat at home and played FF VIII,
thinking about how much I resonated with that angsty main character.

Alright, so it's about 1 am and I'm on a business trip in Toronto with a lot of work ahead
of me tomorrow, so I'll stop there, but for all intents and purposes, consider me full
committed to this conversation. Same rules apply as far as I'm concerned, so ask me
anything you feel you want to know and I'll be as honest as I can.

Xmo5 (08/20/2015 10:04am | Edited: 08/20/2015 10:10am):
Hmm, my 1 AM self didn't write this as well as I would have liked and that whole
conversation about love vs like ended up sounding more like a semantics discussion than I
meant it to be. The take-away message from that paragraph was supposed to be something
closer to:

"I care about you guys (and other friends) in a way that the word 'like' simply wouldn't
express. To me, like means 'Sure I'd hang out with you on a Friday night.' Love means 'I'd
make sacrifices in my own life for the betterment of someone I truly care about' and the
this is much much much more accurate here. Jacqueline especially, I hope you can
understand that I haven't acted out of pity previously, or now by joining this discussion,
but instead out of a genuine feeling of something I could describe in no way other than
(non-romantic) love."

That probably didn't come out much better, but hopefully it at least makes my point a
little more clear. There were also about 1000 other things I wanted to respond to in this
conversation but I simply couldn't remember them all. I resonated strongly with most the
first posts of both Jackie (Milton) and Walker, so if I did a less than stellar job of
communicating, pretend I said that, because it's how I felt, and continue to feel.

Edit: I guess I should add, though I think most of you already know, my internet account
names are all Xmo5 or Purplepants77, so if you happen to see me anywhere, feel free to say
hi :) I don't do much of anything regularly except AWBW though, but I do have a steam
account under Purplepants77 and my skype is xmo5v3 (I think... I can never remember for
sure; my wife set it up). I don't usually do calls (video or audio), but I check my chat
convos pretty frequently when I'm at home.

Jackie Milton (08/20/2015 05:08pm):
I often find that my 3 big topics often feel like issues of semantics. Love. Friends.
Happiness. Particularly the latter two. I try to maintain a stance of objectivity about
myself (I think that's healthier and more realistic). I talked about this earlier, but
when it comes to happiness I'm always torn between "happy that" and "being not-anxious",
and which one is correct. I assume it's supposed to be a combo of both, but then I always
get wrapped up on what's sposed to be.

Xmo5 (08/20/2015 06:47pm):
I've found myself thinking like that before about human emotion. I mean, we don't actually
have anything on which to base our interpretations of what those emotions actually feel
like except how we perceive others to be feeling when they express that emotion and
descriptions we're given. Some I think are more clear than others but what about things
like love and happiness which seem more simple on the surface than they really are? How do
I know that what I feel is truly love or that my compassion for others is not a thinly
veiled desire to be the one who shows up with the solution to the problem? It sounds
almost ridiculous to ask these questions, but honestly, how do I know?

In a strange occurrence, I found some answers in The Little Prince, not too long ago. I
read it for posterity when I unearthed it during my move after college; I had loved it as
a kid so I thought it would be fun. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the book, but
when I read the chapter with the fox, I was honestly moved to tears, because it captured
certain emotions so well, and yet in such a child-like way. If you haven't read it, I
don't want to spoil it by quoting in part (you can read it online I think), and if you've
read it you probably already know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the moral of my story is
that after some post-read thinking and reflection I basically came to realize that the
emotions are very personal and a single word doesn't always cut it (a seemingly trivial
conclusion). While everybody means the same general thing when they use the word "love",
it means something more specific to each individual, and it doesn't have to be the same
from person to person.

I guess basically what I'm saying is that getting "wrapped up on what's sposed to be"
detracts from the true individualized abstract beauty and poetry of human emotion, even
the bad. Emotion simply is what it is, no matter what labels we apply. Something as
bizarre as teenage angst can be positive when seen in the right way. When I was going
through my emotionally withdrawn stage, I recall getting some kind of satisfaction,
arguably "happiness" out of brooding over my angsty problems, almost as if I were seeing
the situation from outside and appreciating the poetry of it all, even if it meant I felt
myself a hopeless protagonist, doomed to fail at the things he desired most strongly to
succeed in (women at the time, I think... well, singular woman at the peak of this act).
Despite how embarrassed, shy, secretive, and defeated I felt about the whole situation, I
can even look back with nostalgia, because it was also combined with strong feelings of
love, hope, and desire (all to go unfulfilled). It helps that I haven't felt this way
about that particular individual for years (probably not since 12th grade... she's still a
close friend though), but I still find it strange that I can look back on it fondly, like
the way a parent looks at a kid trying to figure out how to tie their shoe for the first
time. "Awww, it's so cute looking at little Johnny trying to tie his shoe. He's so
determined and frustrated, but one day it won't even be a shadow of a thought in his mind
as he ties shoes left and right (literally)."

I always enjoy conversations about emotion like this because they tie together my passion
for science (bio and psych), my appreciation of beauty and complexity, and my
philosophical curiosity. Maybe it would be too meta to wonder why that is...

Xmo5 (08/20/2015 06:53pm):
Oh, I guess I should add that I don't want to carry on blathering (as you put it) if I'm
not welcome. You have no obligation to appease me with continuing conversation if that's
not something you had in mind.

Jackie Milton (08/23/2015 09:50pm):
Ahahaha. You sound like me. Stop, lol.

I have no issue with you continuing conversation here and I'm sure Jacqueline wouldn't
either. Plus, it's healthier for me to blather with someone than to blather to myself
without debate. Speaking of which, I'll try not to descend into my... er, "regular topic",
unless it has a direct relationship to my new philosophies about the world. Also, don't
worry about being meta; everything I post in here is self-referential and redundant.

I get the idea about "individualized abstract beauty and poetry of human emotion", I love
Black Metal, obviously (oops, I said I'd try...). At the same time, though, the
popularized abstract necessity and guidelines of human civilization seems to be a much
more pressing issue to me than other abstract concepts. Yet, I seem to avoid that at all
costs to focus more on my philosophy of the human experience. When I talk in "sposed to
be"s (pardon my jargon), it's not some unrealistic or strict goal my parents hope for me
to achieve, but rather the unspoken societal doctrines of what makes a "good person". And
I believe one of these doctrines is not to acknowledge or care about this sort of thing at
all. This is where the "wrapping up" happens, and I have to step beside myself and say,
"stop being stupid". Of course one abstraction detracts from the other; they progress in
opposite directions.

I can relate to your wording about your brooding. I used to think so much about this stuff
that I would break down into tears, but then I would start laughing because "I'm so
ridiculous". It was, as you say, as if I were seeing my situation from the outside, but
different. I never saw anything poetic at all, and definitely not a protagonist. But it
was weird because I would decide that I was going to go out to the hottub and cry until I
laughed, and I would get a demented satisfaction out if it, as if I were getting some
deserved punishment for my sins. My theory was/is there is no heaven or hell so A
(pessimistically), there is no hell, so one's actions must counted for on Earth, and B
(optimistically) There is no heaven, so I might as well enjoy the time I have here. Only,
I don't necessarily enjoy it. I accept it. Some parts are good. Some are not. The brooding
itself has never been the fear of rejection, rather, in order to achieve my primary goal
(to have kids who are better than I), I'll have to swindle someone into marrying me and
having kids with me. The con of the century. I spose I could adopt if I needed to, but I
think I'd rather prove that my genes aren't defective. On second thought, maybe that is
the way to go, then there's no risk of passing down defective genes.(Ick... my edginess is
sharp enough to split a hair....) I hope I can look back on myself and be fond of myself.
That would be nice.

Xmo5 (08/23/2015 10:57pm):
Alright, similarly, I'll try and detract from the conversation from getting bogged down in scientific blather and "hey,
this is really cool about the world!" as I tend to do in real life, but I'll make an exception here because I think it is
relevant to a degree. There's a lot of debate about what makes individuals "the way they are", and it basically
comes down to a question of "nature" (genes) vs "nurture" (life experiences). I tend to favor the nurture side of
the debate in most cases because there are so many ways that a human brain, especially a developing one, can
react to things it's exposed to (in any way). I once made an analogy to this effect:

Imagine that a person's brains/psyche etc. is represented by a room full of manufacturing equipment. When a
person is born, their room is full of a bunch disassembled machine parts: nuts, bolts, wheels/axles, conveyors,
lever arms, diodes, wiring, bearings, struts, you name it. What specific pieces exist in the room is a result of
genetics, or nature- it puts basic limits on what can and cannot be done, but the door is mostly open to anything
because there are so many different combinations in which they can be put together. Then, as you gain life
experiences, the little pieces begin assembling themselves into increasingly more complex machines that might
have running conveyors and functioning control panels etc. This rearrangement and assembly is the result of
experience, or nurture- sometimes building, sometimes dismantling and rebuilding elsewhere, but always a
function of what's already been done/built.

My point here is that your genes are important, yes, but the child's experience is also very important. I think it's
virtually unpredictable how any experience will shape the "final product" but I think there are some clear
correlations, and if you genuinely care about the well being of the child and make responsible decisions,
"defective" genes might not mean much at all, so I wouldn't let that get you down. Similarly, even if you find
yourself to have said defective genes, keep in mind that it may be something much different. In other words,
you're just a really really complicated sack of chemicals, especially when it comes to the brain, and the way your
chemicals interact with life will be unique from the way another sack of chemicals does. Don't hold it against
yourself if that's how you feel about things, and instead learn to accept this fact. That said, human psychology is
complicated and there are things you can do to try and shape your outlook on life so what I'm saying is not "you
can't change", what I'm saying is "don't be ashamed for having the reactions and feelings you do, but instead
evaluate what things are dangerous, painful, etc. and do your best to better yourself in those areas." I think that
holds regardless of where you are in life, because anyone who claims to have no behavioral or other
psychological areas that could be improved is lying, at least to you, if not themselves. At a certain point, though,
things become quite subjective.

Now that I've written 3 paragraphs about 3 of your sentences...

Seeing as I can relate to the concern about not being able to swindle anyone into marrying me, I'll talk about that a
bit. It was strange for me, because I was down on myself for having no previous success with women, yet at
the same time I felt that I had attractive qualities (I considered myself smart, nice, and fairly athletic). My problem
was that my social skills were sub-optimal, particularly with girls I liked and I often feared I would never have the
balls to ask anyone out, no matter how clear it was she liked me. Compounding on that was the fact that I
realized how introverted I was and how failure to find someone before I graduated college would doom me to
eternal solitude because I would never leave my home to go "pick up chicks at the bar", or some equivalent. Do
people really do that? Anyway, in retrospect it becomes a lot more clear to me that things weren't as bad as I
thought they were. No matter how lame you think your chances are, the odds are that there are people out there
(that you know) that either are interested, or would be interested in a romantic relationship if you spent the time.
The quick counterargument is always "yeah, but that's the problem- I seem normal until you get to know me.
Nobody would stick around." I think you'd be surprised (I know I was). To be honest, I'm probably guessing that
my parents and some of my friends were beginning to question whether or not I was gay because I didn't have a
girlfriend until I was less than 2 months from 18 years old, and I didn't even have any failed attempts to show for
it. I was convinced that by that time, I was so far behind in the dating game that anyone I dated would be
confused how I didn't understand how to do it right by 18, yet when I got my first girlfriend, things went well.
Why? Because I cared. Sometimes I was dumb, and sometimes I was socially inept, (not sure why I'm using past
tense... it continues) but I tried and I genuinely cared and that's what matters. Sure, you have flaws, but who
doesn't? What makes your flaws any worse than anyone else's? Why should your tendency to be overly-
introspective and self-deprecating eliminate you from the gene pool or the list of potential candidates for husband
material? These things are not nearly as important, and if someone disregards you as a result of them, they
frankly aren't strong enough candidates for you. Never settle because you think you don't deserve anything
more. Oh, and also, honesty here is important. I mean, you don't have to go telling every potential gf your life
story, but keep in mind that being open about things like this in a serious relationship can 1) Earn you points for
being genuine 2) Help prevent yourself from living a life where you can't be yourself in front of your significant
other and 3) Help ensure you compatible with each other.

I have to learn how to be more concise...

Nice advice is kept concise
Say things thrice, you'll pay the price
Quick, precise, and clear suffice
Concise advice: it will entice

Oh and as a last note on something you said:

"[...] the unspoken societal doctrines of what makes a "good person". And
I believe one of these doctrines is not to acknowledge or care about this sort of thing at
all."

I disagree with your premise here on two counts. First, I'm not sure that there's always a clear "unspoken
societal doctrine" consensus about what makes a person a good person. There's a lot of gray area in my mind.
Second, I don't think that acknowledgment or caring about this sort of thing is mutually exclusive with being a
good person.

Jackie Milton (08/31/2015 09:07pm):
So this is my 3rd time composing this (unexpected comp shutdowns), so I'm going to be
brief and to the point. So for the sake of brevity, I'm not going to prove my theorems.

I agree with your response about the effects of childhood experiences.
I bring up genes due to unfavorable traits in myself I see in my mother, but that may
actually be a result of ^^^.
Also, I (will) do my best to maintain a positive, objective outlook on myself and how I
function; however, 100% maintenance is improbable.

So there, 3 sentences to sum up 3 paragraphs :P ;) :'(

I think my situation and yours in high school are similar, however fairly different. For a
brief history of Black Metal, my dad's been on my ass about this (among other things) for
quite a long while, so it was ingrained in me pretty early that I should have my shit
together sooner than later. Upon introspection, though, I believe this may have been the
root cause of our shitty communication. Anyway, his basis was that if I didn't attempt the
endeavor of dating, ultimately, I'd blow myself up if I was rejected after building myself
up for years and years. Maybe not the best message, but I think a definite concern. So I
did ask, with a couple passive rejections. My emotional response: *shrug* a little
disappointed. Still, the major thing to come out of this stage in my life, is my MO of "no
news is bad news, news is only good news." (You mention not having failed attempts to show
for anything. Well, in my case the concern is simply not having anything to show. It's not
that I'm afraid to try, or afraid to fail; no, I can/do both of those. It's simply the
"having" my shit together.) So essentially, I don't tell my parents anything about
anything unless there's something real and not only with relationships. Here is the
largest rift between my parents and me. It's obvious and my parents hate it. They hate
that I don't talk, and I hate talking. So there's a brief history of Black Metal.

My social skills are sub-optimal. I know I'm not perfect in this regard. Hell, having an
actual conversation with anyone causes me to break into a nervous sweat (even if it's a
good convo). The problem is that the more time I spend with people, the more guilty I feel
when they spend time with me. I know what goes on in my head, and I'm always worried that
I'll have to share it with someone, which is stupid, because I feel the need to share with
someone. I guess if someone really cares, they'll put up with it, but I don't want to be
"put up with", I want to be a good person.

I'd rather debate concept than semantics, but my definition of "good person" is one who
both fits well in society and is able to carve his/her own path competently. I think there
are doctrines, but I agree that they aren't clear nor is there a consensus as to what they
are. Simply, I would say (and I don't want to say that bad people do things that are
"not normal" or "not expected", because that would be ignorant) counter-productive human
behaviors are incompetence, total selfishness, unhappiness, and anxiety not strictly, of
course. I consider happy people to be "good people" as they are good at being people; they
are happy, therefore, they don't create a negative environment of uneasiness around them.
It seems to me that people have enough issues of their own, and it's always apparent that
when other's issues are obvious, everyone else is uncomfortable. People don't like that.
Some handle it better than others. Some with apathy, some with ignorance, and the best
with altruism. If everyone's happy, then everyone's happy. Otherwise, we are not, but so
long as we take the good and ignore/accept the bad, then individuals can be happy. So to
further the meta, thus adding another strand to my silly philosophical web-- in regards to
you second point, I think my being held up on whether or not I'm a good person is not good
or healthy, and in reality, I should just say "fuck it", and move on. but I don't. I
acknowledge my fallacies, but I don't do anything to improve it. I can try. I do try. It's
hard not to think, and dwell.

So yeah. Sorry I took so long.

Xmo5 (09/01/2015 10:27am):
Well, don't feel bad that it took so long to reply... I actually haven't checked back in a
while. The ironic part is that I feel bad because the one day I happened to check in
almost a week, I got here 12 hours after your reply to my post. Now I look like I'm all
johnny on the spot or something when I didn't have it together any better than you! Oh well :P

I have a harder time relating to your paragraph about your relationship with your parents
directly, but there are certainly components that are (were) similar in my life around
that time. I was always super secretive about my personal life, and in a way I still am.
When I was in elementary school (yeah this goes way back) I had stupid little elementary
school crushes, as early as 2nd grade (Some girl named Devon Jordan.. hmm... I married a
Devon... coincidence?). Anyway, one was even "serious" in that the girl an I both clearly
liked each other (dunno what she saw in the dorky 4th grade version of me) but were both
too shy to do anything about it. Never once did my parents ever hear the slightest thing
about that girl or the ones before etc. In fact, the only time they ever heard anything
was a freak occurrence in 5th grade: My parents would always ask questions like who the
cutest girl in the class was and I'd reply with "idk *shrug*" until one day in 5th grade
when my grandparents asked me... and my parents were there. Something fundamental inside
me prevented me from lying to my grandparents so I bashfully pointed to the girl in our
class photo. (Yes there's a point to this story... here it comes) From that moment forward
my parents, who must have been thrilled that I finally said something, would always
playfully ask things like "So how's Mollyyyy?" (they've never met this girl btw) and talk
about her semi-frequently. That sealed the deal and I kept my mouth shut with every manner
of lock and key you could imagine until further notice. Through middle school and high
school there were a couple of girls that I took a very serious liking to, almost to the
point of *me* building up the courage to ask them out (that's really saying something) but
my parents never even got the slightest hint from me, except what they could infer from my
actions. I wasn't a very social person, so they didn't really have much to go off there,
but I think they could guess in at least one case because the girl was (and is) a good
friend of mine, one of the few from high school that I still maintain contact with.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I sort of did the same thing as a result of the
above story, combined with my shyness and fear of rejection/being wrong. I had a great
relationship with my parents, but I'd go home, lock myself in my room, listen to music,
wallow in whatever emotion I was feeling at the time, come down for dinner, and then
return to my room. The exception was when I played video games on the TV- I had a laptop
in my room, but no TV so I did that in the living room. I don't know if they caught on, or
if they didn't mind, but my parents didn't usually give me a hard time about it, with just
the occasional comment or joke, which didn't bother me. Similarly, my friends always
called me "hermit" because I never left the house, but that didn't bother me either. I was
proud of it.... but I also sucked at making friends so it was a moot point- I was stuck
with it and stuck with who I was, but I accepted it.

I guess I would most accurately describe my social skills as "frequently less than
satisfactory" when interacting with new people or acquaintances and "sometimes on the
border between satisfactory/unsatisfactory" with close friends and some family. My closest
friends and family I don't seem to (usually) have problems with, but a lot of them are
pretty easygoing, so it's hard to tell I guess. For me, I don't get nervous so much as I
just don't know... how... to... person.... Like, I understand how people interact with
each other, but my implementation is just bad a lot of times. I'm terrible at small talk,
so usually it just becomes awkward silence, which I don't mind except for the fact that
I'm nearly certain the other person does in most cases. The people who cut my hair must
usually hate me unless they're very talkative and engaging because once they stop making a
conscious effort to engage me in conversation, it's just dead silent. I do alright with
the conversations, but not starting them or thinking "I wonder what I could ask about
their lives that would be a good conversational topic". Also, while I can be one of the
most energetic, enthusiastic, and animated people I know, I can also sometimes be very
bland/monotone or blunt if I'm in a situation and can't think fast enough "how would a
normal person respond?" or I anticipate responding to something so much that I forget to
include my manners. A good example was when I went to dinner with some friends on
Saturday. I ordered a steak and the waiter asked how I wanted it cooked. Immediately
following his question, almost to the point of cutting off the last breath of his
sentence, I responded bluntly and briskly "Rare." which came off as "Duh, I want it rare.
How else would I have it cooked?" I felt bad after I realized and my friends/wife gave me
a hard time (I honestly don't mind) but that's a typical me moment.

With this whole good person thing, I think I'm getting what you're saying. It's like
"effective contributor to society" or something like that. I'm still not sure I agree with
you, because there are a lot of happy people who achieve their happiness through means
that damage the lives of others in one way or another (and to varying degrees). How would
you classify the proud and self-obsessed athlete/cheerleader who finds their happiness by
demonstrating their superiority through any of various means that I'm sure you've
witnessed. Personally, I've found that what makes someone a good person is neither their
actions, nor their feelings, but their intentions and motives. Sure, actions count a fair
bit, and feelings probably end up there somewhere, but who's the better person? The happy,
stuck up heir to a fortune who hands out $100 bills to every homeless person they pass for
the sole purpose of appearing generous to the public, or the someone like Dobby in the 2nd
Harry Potter (always does the wrong thing, but for all of the right reasons). Similarly,
the kid who murders their loving parents and the kid who murders their parents after years
of brutal abuse are not equal- their actions, and even intentions were the same, but
motives were very different. The fact that you feel guilty because you perceive yourself
as providing poor social interaction means that you care about the other person you're
talking to, and that's 100x more valuable than being a smooth-talking narcissist.

In my opinion, the most counter-productive human behaviors are (in descending order)
making decisions without being open-minded/objective/informed, being
egocentric/inconsiderate, and having a general lack of common sense. Honorable mention:
Inability to put things into perspective (generally), allowing inhibitions to restrict
your potential. The way I see it, everybody displays a certain degree of some, if not most
of these but each one, when taken too far, is a very serious issue. You don't want someone
making decisions without considering all the options, informing themselves of the risks,
and making the best objective decision... but if you go buy a good car you like without
looking at literally every car you could possibly purchase and every single variable
involved, it's not the end of the world, so long as you considered enough important
options (see Honorable Mention pt 1). A lot of things fall into the
egocentric/inconsiderate behavior category, but many are harmless or even necessary. For
example, it's selfish to send your kid to college when you could have, instead, sent your
neighbor's smarter kid to college. Objectively, the smarter kid has more potential, so you
should back them, right? But nobody's going to think badly of you for not offering- it's
perfectly acceptable, and even expected behavior to send your own kid to college, and not
your neighbor's. Under honorable mention "allowing inhibitions to restrict your potential"
has always been one of my biggest battles, but you always have to find a balance between
this and overconfidence. In many cases, I'd prefer the former, especially from an
engineering/design perspective where being conservative is more important. That said, you
do have to take leaps beyond your comfort zone sometimes to get better. If you suck at
speaking in front of an audience (I did) you should just do it over and over again (I did,
by necessity in college) and before you know it, you'll see yourself improving and being
more comfortable with it (I did and I am). Failing to take those steps can be a one way
ticket to stagnating in certain case and I'm as guilty as they come sometimes! I'd have to
think much more about the most productive human behaviors, though I obviously have more
than a few ideas... many would be opposites to the things I mentioned, but I'm not sure
they rank of equivalent importance or that other things wouldn't show up on the list.

Whoa, this is a huge post. I'm gonna stop now...

Jackie Milton (09/01/2015 03:09pm):
You're good.

I keep my mouth shut. I hide in my room. I play advance wars, star wars, whatever. I write
music. I listen to music. I do get a hard time for it. I'm always stressed about it,
always anticipating a conversation of "why are you hiding in your room?", "why don't you
talk to us?", "what is the exact specific stage of your romantic development?",
aaaahhhhh.... I feel like I could just vomit away all my problems. I wish I could... I
hate car rides the most. I'm trapped. I know it's coming, and then it does. Like today
just now. My father thinks I'm putting too much energy into an unclear relationship. As
always, there's truth and legitimacy to what he says, but he doesn't trust me. He doesn't
trust that I have a handle on my friendships, or anything. I guess I don't either, but it
hurts when they (parents) don't. Is that hypocritical? Regardless, it's the most
demotivating thing ever. They "believe" in me, my potential, sure, but trust? Nope.
That's probably what bothers me the most. I don't have trust, and I guess I don't deserve it.

"I just don't know... how... to... person...."
Neither do I... This ties right in with the "effective contributor to society" bit. Which
is definitely a large part of it. I feel like I'm useless and counter-productive. You
raise a good point though (and I'm glad I can work all these thoughts out), of genuinely
good people. I think there needs to be proper amounts of "good people" and "good at
people". I think I'm severely lacking in the latter and have some definite faults in the
former... But for sure, people can be shitty, but subjectively speaking, if one is happy,
what else really matters? Realistically, the progress of humanity and the well-being of
all people, but the grand scheme is inevitably more depressing than the ideal, so why
bother? (I obviously bother, too much maybe (I hope my redundancy isn't so redundant that
it's annoying.))

Thanks for dealing with all my bitching. I'm really happy that you're putting so much work
into humoring my psyche (where do I mail my checks? lol). This is really helping me keep
in check with reality. I hope you don't feel like you're fighting an uphill battle with
me; I try to be open minded. This isn't a battle you need to fight btw, but I'm glad
you're here :)

Xmo5 (09/02/2015 09:14am):
Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm actually enjoying the conversation, so no need to
worry about my side of things. I'm not here because I'm humoring you or fighting an uphill
battle- I'm here because I want to be.

I think that you really nailed it with your first full paragraph there. Not sure if it was
a step for you to hit that point, but it's certainly a big step in helping me get a better
idea of the situation. I'm getting the impression that you basically wish they would give
you some real independence in the sense that they don't feel the need to have to check on
every detail of your life to make sure it's going well- they'll let you do your thing and
figure out for yourself what bits were mistakes. In a weird way, I'm somewhere halfway
between what your parents feel and what you feel. I can completely relate to the type of
feelings your having, but maybe not to the degree you're feeling them. My mom has always
been very... .... doting I guess. By the time I was in college and making my own decisions
(I commuted so I still lived at home) it was to the point of overbearing for me. I loved
that she cared and I liked talking about my life with her, generally speaking, but she
would border on controlling sometimes if she felt that Situation A would have a better
outcome if I acted per Plan B instead. Even now, married and living 200 miles away, she
still has a habit of doing that and it drives me up a wall because I'm clearly well past
the point of needing her to tell me what to do so I don't skin my knees. Not to say she
can't give me advice etc., but there's definitely a difference.

On the other hand, I can relate to your parents a lot too. I don't know if it's because I
feel very fatherly by nature (I sort of always have. I like teaching, loving, and helping
and that's pretty much what parenthood is about) or if it's because I'm getting ready for
the point in my life where I have my own children, but I understand their (inferred)
emotions and motivation. The way I see it is they care deeply about you and they want
what's best for you. They want to help guide you a bit and save you the hassle of making
mistakes that maybe they themselves made at one point. How could they possibly do that if
you're so quiet and never open up? Furthermore, if you never open up, how do they know
there isn't something deeper or more significant that you're hiding? Without asking the
questions they ask, they have a hard time helping you and it sounds like they really want to.

Now, keeping all that in mind, lets review. Are you justified for feeling the way you do?
Absolutely, and I'm sure they felt that way too at your age, at least to some degree. Are
they justified for feeling the way they do? Absolutely, because I think they do have your
best interest in mind. Finally, is everyone taking the best course of action? I think
probably not. Your parents should really cut you some slack and let you do your own thing-
you don't strike me as irresponsible or anything, just a normal 17 year old trying to do
what normal 17 year olds do. Basically, they might fall into the Dobby category of "have
great intentions and motives, but their actions aren't exactly ideal in this situation."
Similarly, you could probably stand to talk about things here and there, just to keep them
happy. If you know they're going to ask, you might as well try and bring something up
yourself from time to time. Worst case scenario, the same outcome, but with no upfront
effort and worrying on their part. Best case scenario, they feel great because you opened
up a bit, leave you alone a bit more, and give you more trust/independence because they
know you'll tell them the important stuff.

That's not to say you have to (I'm neither your boss nor your parent!) but I see this as a
classic case where the parents' and kid's actions are increasingly exaggerated by the
other's and the situation slowly spirals downward. The more your parents squeeze, the more
you pull back, and the more you pull back, the more they feel the need to squeeze. If you
both stopped, you could probably settle at a nice relaxed level, but it requires one or
both sides to give a little first, and that isn't always going to happen. Another option
is to just talk with them and tell them how you feel about it. I realize that's 1000x
easier said than done, but I think you might be surprised how well it works if they
genuinely care and the phrasing is right. Might be better to write out a letter or
something; even if you talk to them in person, it will help to have your thoughts written
out in the way you want to say them. Calm, clear, mature, concise, direct, and accurate
would be the way to go. They need enough information to understand (not just know) what's
causing the problem and why and to realize what changes would improve the situation.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Like I said, you don't have to do anything just because I tell
you that I think it's a good idea; I'm certainly not an expert. I'm also on the sideline
so it's easy for me to talk a big game when you're the one playing. However, I figure it
might at least be worth hearing so you can consider the situation in whatever way you see
fit. Also, odds are that within a few years it'll fade into the background a bit as you
begin to gain more obvious independence after high school and as the raging teenage
hormones start to settle down a bit. Time away from home (such as living at college) will
probably help a lot too because at least it's not a day in, day out type of deal. Same was
true for me when I moved after college.

I think I'm pretty much in agreement with everything re: good person, though I'm always on
the fence with the whole grand scheme aspect. Sometimes I resonate with the whole
"inevitably depressing" view of things, and then other times I feel some combination of
excited, ambitious, and hopeful and think of all the great things we've achieved as a race
and all the things which we're well on the way to achieving (on pretty much every front).
Kinda like: "We're freaking *humans*, look at us goooo! We're gonna win this!" I think
that's the scientist in me, seeing the beauty and wonder of the world as it is while at
the same time having a curiosity and drive to learn and push forward. Guess that's my
inner Neil deGrasse Tyson bubbling up to the surface. God, who let me start talking?! :P

Brevity certainly isn't my strong point....

Jackie Milton (09/02/2015 04:43pm):
Thanks, me too. Reference 6/03/2015 10:38 p.m.

Yeah, I'm basically describing how I've felt for w awhile now. No real epiphanies right
here. Maybe on 6/15 12:59, but I'm just explaining. To you and myself.

I do understand their motivations, emotions, actions. I really do. I like your sentiment
at the end of your second paragraph. These are questions I'm well aware of and understand,
and is definitely a reason I have a hard time liking myself. I know they want to help me,
but the fact that the fell I *need* help is frustrating. This is also a duality of therapy
that I ignore for the sake of progress.

It would be nice if they slackened their grip, but you're right, there's definitely a bad
stance on my part. I have done my best to give information when they ask, but not so well
with bringing up things. The thing is that I'm at the point where I'm embarrassed that I
don't have anything to show in regards to jobs, friends, girlfriends... I just never want
to bring it up because I hate getting the same spiel over and over again about how I need
to get my shit together. I *know* I need to get my shit together, you aren't helping..

One time, just about a year ago, my dad did sit me down to get anything I had off my
chest. Long story short, the result was my enrollment in counseling. (mostly my choice, I
should note). I could talk to them directly , but it would no doubt be difficult. I guess
I would just be worried what the outcome would be, and I'll inevitably say something wrong
or omit something that I meant to say. I'm always hesitant to reveal information (I do
though) because I don't want let them into the abyss of my mind. Just so much stuff I
don't care to explain, not to them, at least. What am I afraid of? would probably be a
good question. Well, I'm afraid that my parents won't think I can be independent, even
less so than they do now; I don't want them to either pity me or be disappointed about the
fantasy (to an extent) that exists in my head. It's embarrassing to me that I get wrapped
up in so much stupid stuff, I just really don't care for that to be known to my parents. I
do, though, need to share enough about me so we all benefit. I'm just always afraid I'll
open a door about myself that's better off being closed.

Xmo5 (09/02/2015 05:03pm):
Don't have a lot of time at the moment, so maybe I'll respond in more detail later, but
for now you'll have to settle with:

You don't necessarily *need* to get anything together. I mean sure, having a job and
having your life generally in order and headed in a direction you want is good, but
nothing about friends or girlfriends is mandatory. I'd recommend that you don't go so far
as social isolation or anything crazy, but honestly, so what if you don't have all that
many friends, or even if you're not that great of a friend or something. I didn't have
many friends in high school and I avoided school dances and social engagements like the
plague, and I turned out to be a happily married, fully functional, contributing member of
society who pays taxes and gets his hair cut every few months. Granted the limited friends
I had were really good friends and good people, but nonetheless, it won't kill you if you
aren't the most adept social butterfly in the meadow. Also, do your own thing, but
"trying" to get a gf can be worse than just waiting sometimes. Not in the sense that I
don't think it works, it clearly does, but I mean in terms of being preoccupied about
things. No real need to add it to the list of things to concern yourself with greatly
unless you legitimately really like a girl and want to give it a shot. If you're getting
pressure from your parents to do it, well then quite honestly, screw them. What do they
care? You'll figure it out and you have no obligation to do it the way they want or on
their schedule. You can't force something like mutual love and affection- that has to be
natural and no amount of pushing from your parents will get you a happy relationship with
a girl.

Okay, really gotta go now, but like I said, I'll post more later tonight if I can. Didn't
read this over either... oh well.

Xmo5 (09/02/2015 08:46pm):
Okay, I think I remember what I was planning on saying, and it was basically in response to your last
paragraph. Disappointing your parents is a tough thing to worry about. My family is full of people with
Masters Degrees and Ph.Ds in science, math, and engineering and just about everyone has a
bachelors degree in *something* (usually science). I felt a lot of pressure to do well, not because
anybody told me so, but because everyone seemed to be so smart and qualified. My dad especially
who would help me with homework always just seemed to *get* things when I was struggling really
hard. Now, I've genuinely always had an interest in science, puzzles, and problem solving, so it's not
like my degree choice was a result of that pressure or anything, but I was glad that my interests
were in line with what other people clearly resonated with.

That said, looking back I realize that, while doing this helped my in college and high school because of
the people/resources I had available to me (it also made for great nerdy conversation), I could have
done anything I wanted and my parents would have been proud if I found myself doing what I loved.
This is evident with my sisters (or at least the one). I realize you're not necessarily talking about
careers and stuff, but I guess what I'm saying is, I think your parents would have a hard time being
disappointed, at least in the long run, if you took some control over your life and did what you wanted
with it. I'm not saying go crazy and start killing hookers or anything, but I wouldn't be embarrassed by
what you think or feel and you should be able to express it, so long as you do so in a safe and
appropriate way. I think that looking back, if you parents realized that they had stifled you they might
be sad or possibly offended and hurt that you didn't speak up and say something. They might also
blame themselves for being overbearing or not considering how you might view their actions. (I don't
really know your parents so it's hard to think how they'd react, but that's how I'd feel as a parent at
least).

I just I think it's hard to find a happy place for everyone if people can't understand each others'
perspectives and motives.

Jackie Milton (10/15/2015 09:24pm):
ooh dang. 'bout time I replied...
Well, I don't have much to say in regards to your previous two posts, other than agreeing
with most of it.

But I will say that a lot of the stuff that I do/think/am is embarrassing. I said I was
worried about the way my parents would react, and this is true (I once mentioned that I
was a little bit jealous of a "friend" getting a girlfriend before I did, and my father
was very upset), but it's mostly about me. I see those pieces of myself in other people
and it makes me cringe, because I know I'm like that or I know I've said that. I think it
might be God telling me, "look at who you are. What are you going to do about it?". But
all that results is that I hate them and I hate me.

Anyway, on that positive note, I'm going to try to keep scrawling in here; It keeps my
reality in check. Plus, I keep being drawn back here. Jacqueline, you're hard to forget,
not that I would ever want to forget you; you're my hero.

Xmo5 (10/22/2015 01:55pm):
You know, as much as it seems like a burden to you, the fact that you "see pieces of
[your]self in other people and it makes [you] cringe", is a cut above most. The way I look
at it, there are only a few types of people in the world:

1. Those who have faults and are convinced they don't.
2. Those who have faults and ignore/repress them.
3. Those who have faults who can acknowledge them for what they are.
4. Those who have faults and strive to improve on them.
5. Those who have faults, but believe they have more faults than they do.

Type 1 people are egotistical and narcissistic- too full of themselves to believe they
could have a single fault. Genuinely type 1 people are probably rare. Type 2 probably
makes up a large portion of the population; it's just a general lack of acceptance of
one's own faults, though if pressed, they might admit to themselves that they knew all
along. Type 4 is what everyone thinks everyone else should be doing, and few people
actually do well.

Type 3 and a bit of type 5 fit you the best I think, Type 3 is a good thing, because you
have the presence of mind to be able to be honest with yourself and perceive your own
faults. No, it's not quite a 4, but let's be real, how many 4's do you know? I like to
consider myself to be (relatively) on top of things, but there are definitely a *lot* of
aspects in which I'm at best a 3. I know I'm not perfect and I know I don't always try to
be; most times when I'm a 4, it's because I'm doing it for my wife because I know she
doesn't deserve the consequences of me being a 3. (Usually this is after a conversation
where I find out a particular fault of mine is annoying, stressful, angering, etc., or at
least more-so than I realized). I put you in type 5 as well because I mostly feel you put
too much emphasis on your faults. Maybe you invent some of your own, who knows, but I
think I can see that you're too hard on yourself. I mean, sure, you have faults, but who
doesn't? Again, it's not a justification to start killing hookers, but it is some
reassurance in that you're no different from everybody else in that regard. Better, in
fact, since you can admit your own faults to yourself, which is one step better towards
improvement than ignoring/repressing them.

Jacqueline (if you're out there!), I would consider you to be a true Type 5, whether you
want to believe it or not. You apply all of these horrible attributes to yourself (weak,
unimportant, burdensome) of which you're completely undeserving. When your actions
directly contradict these labels, I think it becomes clear that you're not nearly as bad
of a person as you think you are, and you've proven it time and time again. It breaks my
heart to see good people living as 5's because the main thing holding them (and you) back
is a false self-perception which is very hard to overcome.

I think the moral of the story here is that everyone has faults (notice that "perfect
people" did not make my list), it's just a question of what they are and who they let see
them. In other words, you might think you're horrible, but don't let it get you down
because everyone else is too. :)

Jackie Milton (01/01/2016 01:18am | Edited: 01/01/2016 01:20am):
Happy Fuckin' New Year!

For real though, I believe I've grown as a person in the year 2015, especially in the past
couple months. For one, I certainly hate myself a little less, and I have also become more
comfortable being me. Or at least I have realized the idea that "me" is something I cannot
change, but something I can do better to improve.

Several factors have contributed to this. One being that I have to become an adult in the
next few months and it's time to start my transition into maturity and acceptance. Another
thing is my interest in being accepted at the US Naval Academy, where I am required to be
competent; I have focused on being less emotionally distraught over things I probably
shouldn't worry about anyway; things that I simply CAN'T worry about. But most of all,
this map (rather the comments) has bolstered my growth. Here, I've had
communication I've never had with anyone else, and so I've been able to get out some
thoughts that have been stewing in me for a long time.

Jacqueline (and later James), you are the friend that I really wanted to have, someone to
just feel with; no expectations, no formalities, but someone who could share their pain
with mine. For that, you're still one of my best friends, and even if it's not mutual, it
doesn't change the fact that you truly helped me see a side of humanity that is ignored by
most, but also a side of myself that I could move forward and improve. (Now this may be
cheesy and kinda gay, but I mean it with the most sincerity). You might have left AWBW,
but you will never leave here ❤. I love both of you (and you know how I mean it)

I'm still not the person I want to be, but who is? Big changes ahead for me, I hope I make
a strong adjustment, but I'll have my friends anyway. As for resolutions, Duncan, run
more, and don't procrastinate, read, and make the most of your time.

Happy New Year, dungeon, and keep existing, because, I'm sure I have more "prisoners" to
lock away in here.

To Friends, Love, and the Happiness that follows.
*Sips sparkling grape juice because I am only eighteen*

Xmo5 (01/14/2016 03:41pm):
Look at you being all proactive and starting the year off right! I've never been big on
making new years resolutions, but what can I say? I guess I'm just a scrooge :P

Glad to hear that things are going so well and that we've been able to help; I feel as
though being legitimately accepted by people when you openly express yourself is huge. I
think you really hit the nail on the head with "expectations". Even most friends expect
something on some level and if you're in a crummy mood or something they're put off by it.
Not having expectations about how a person should talk, act, feel, think, etc. really
makes a difference- it kinda gives the whole situation a more raw, human aspect to it.
Normally our experiences are tainted by whatever's going on in our personal life, instead
of being viewed objectively as interactions between two equally important (or unimportant,
depending on your perspective) human beings that are just reacting to the world around
them the way they know best. Personally, I find that this is the easiest way to be
compassionate towards others. It's sort of like "walk a mile in my shoes" in that it
strips you of your biases and predispositions.

I guess what I'm driving at here is that I agree with you. I think this is an awesome
place to feel free from that sort of judgement and be able to express yourself in a
healthy way. Maybe other people should try this too... I think it works really well and
everyone could probably grow in some way or another, as long as they're open and honest
(you only get as much out as you're willing to put in). I guess that's what therapists are
meant to do, but I feel like that's a more contrived situation and expectations come back
into play, not for each other, but for yourself.

I also want to echo your feelings a bit, though I'm not sure I would use the term
"friends" because honestly this feels more like a family to me than it does a friendship.
I guess if you think about it, close friends do feel like family, but that's beside the
point. Jacqueline, you've always felt like a sister to me: We've had fun sibling rivalry
type competitions in the map comments and I've always thought so highly of you- you're
probably the primary reason why I started getting creative, funny, and sometimes even
poetic with my map comments. Then, once I began to realize everything that you were going
through, my heart instantly broke for you and my immediate reaction was to try and protect
and comfort you in any way I could. Having two little sisters in real life, I can see the
similarities; how it's fun and games, arguing and competition until something goes wrong
and suddenly the sister you loved to torment becomes a precious gem that you'd defend with
your life if you had to. What I realized in that moment was that you weren't just some
cool person I met on the internet. You *mattered to me*. Not like the way Sarah McLaughlin
makes me feel about puppies. Not like the suffering kids in Africa. I truly, deeply,
personally cared. A lot. I still care, and I truthfully hope that whatever you've moved on
to is something far better than where you came from because you deserve it more than you
realize.

Duncan, I have to admit that I knew we were going to get along from the first time you
commented on your map. At that point, I'd probably critiqued dozens of n00b maps and 90%
of the time received the same generic responses (if any at all). The other 10% were more
receptive, but I think you're the only one that elicited a real life reaction out of me. I
remember reading the comment and feeling my smile getting bigger and bigger until I
actually ended up bursting out laughing because it was just too much for me to contain
myself. I mean, normally I try to be more professional about my n00b map comments, but we
were giving you a pretty hard time and here you come with the comment debut of the year
which totally made my day. On top of that, despite all of the hubbub you were still very
receptive to any advice anyone gave. Definitely a good first impression :) When I stumbled
across this thread I was initially sad to see that I had missed Jacqueline before she
seemingly disappeared (well, I still am), but I quickly latched on to the rawness of the
thread. The more I stuck around, the more I felt like the older brother figure: I could
relate to almost everything on some level because I'd been there before and gone through
it. All the while, feeling as though I had things together in my life currently, I
realized that this wasn't just helping you, but it was also helping me to grow as a
person. This place came to mean a lot to me and you've come to feel like a brother. Just
like with Jacqueline, I legitimately care and I feel like we have each other's backs. In
the words of my cousin (who's my brother in every sense of the word except the biological
one): "Dude, I gotchu. Do whatever you were gonna do; I gotchu."

Needless to say, I love you both and I hope this place doesn't fall out of use- it means a
lot to me (and us).

That said, here's to a baller 2016! Happy New Year!**
*Also sips sparkling cider, because that stuff's awesome*

(Only for real. I took down a couple of bottles of that myself- much better than wine or
champagne, but maybe I'm biased :P)

**Only two weeks late.. so what?

Xmo5 (04/20/2016 12:09pm):
Since I posted it on the site before they merged-

:)

Jackie Milton (05/22/2016 08:59pm | Edited: 05/22/2016 11:39pm):
Interesting anniversaries are. A lot can happen in a year, not to mention many years.
looking back to May the 22nd, I see a person I am not. I can relate to that person, but
his emotions are foreign to me now. It's funny, we received letters we wrote to ourselves
freshman year, and many people chuckled at the good times they referenced in their
letters. Mine was a bit different (oddly the handwriting was better than it is now...),
and I was a little hesitant to see what was inside; written were the words of someone I
had not known in a long time. In the letter I mentioned Bruce Campbell -- how can't I?
haha -- back then my obession with him seemed pretty strong, but it seems that has now
disapated. Then some talk about Jackie Milton and putting some of that story down on
paper. The weird part, however, was when I mentioned my "anger/depression." Certainly I
have expressed similar feelings on here, but looking back, it makes me cringe, and kind of
sad for that frustrated kid back in 9th grade. Sure, I might have times now in which I'm
very stressed (and I suppose even more come June 30th), but that person is unfamiliar to
me now. Another thing that hit me was his emphasis on friendsip (something I do still
share with him). "I still have a limited supply (2-) of real frriends." Then and now, I
have always placed a high value on those who share their lives with me, but then it really
only felt like one of my friends cared about me as a human being. The difference between
him and me is that I'm driven more by the people I love, than the people who love me. And
that brings me back here.

My life changed when I found this place, namely, the inside of Jacqueline's melon. In a
matter of minutes, my whole outlook on life and the state of the world shifted. Suddenly,
my personal issues seemed small weighed against the issues of our culture. That's when my
mindset turned from thinking primarily about myself, to thinking mostly about others. What
this means for me is that I am no longer sulking about my deficiencies, but more or less
sulking about the deficiencies of the modern age, and dammit, that's improvement.

I have a hot tub on my porch. the end. ha. kidding.... I have a hot tub on my porch. I
spend a lot of time in it alone. Let's say ~30 min a night, about every night a week.
That's about 150 hours a year I spend simply left to my own thoughts. There was a time
(fairly recently, I might add), when I would go to the tub simply to cry. About what?
Mostly me and the state of myself. I did this because I got a certain satisfaction from
it; even now, tears mean a lot to me, that I care. It satisfied my thirst for
disappointment, that someone recognized how bad a person I was. Looking back it all seems
like a twisted form of egotistical masturbation, pardon the metaphor and its obscenity,
but that's what it was. I would berate myself until I broke down to feel the tears run
down my face. It was a disgusting game, forcing my emotions to justify my thoughts. But
after this, after finding you, these events happened less and less. I mean I still cry,
probably a lot more than the next guy (I'm pretty emotional anyway), but now when I cry,
it's usually for someone else and often accompanied by a smile (like end-of-a-sappy-movie
tears). When I found you, it wasn't all about me anymore, I realized there was other hurt
in the world, and though I may hurt, we are all, in a greater sense, part of each other. I
hurt for you, Jacqueline; I cannot know your pain, and I don't know if I could bear it,
but I just wish I could have taken at least some of your load, sincerely -- I know how
empty those words sound, but trust that they aren't. I still spend a lot of time in the
hot tub, but my thoughts have been far less destructive now than ever, truly thanks to you.

I cannot have been the right person to stumble into your head, I don't know. I can't say
that things I have written in here have been very constructive. But I am so grateful to
have been in your head, Jackie, and I am honored that you let me stay. Since one year ago,
you have been in my head, and in my thoughts every day; that's how much you've impacted
me, that's how important you are to me. I have an appointment at the U.S. Naval Academy,
the spark for my want of military service started with my parents (my mother from the
Navy, and my father a Marine), but the fuel lies in you, and my very closest friends. You
are who I want to fight for and protect: the cultural change in America, the success of my
dearest friends, a safe world for Arianna to grow up in. Obviously, I cannot guarantee any
of these things, but they are motivation enough for me to push to the end of my academy
training, and reason enough for me to put my life on the line to protect them.

I am a different person today than I was a year ago; I will have changed again by the end
of Plebe Summer, but this will always be with me.

Nyvelion (05/24/2016 07:24pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:14pm):
-

Xmo5 (05/24/2016 10:39pm):
:)

Speaking of anniversaries and May 22, that marks my 26th birth anniversary. Since we're reflecting on our past, I'll flash
back to my high school days:

I know I've already talked about it a bit, but back in the day I was not so different from the way you describe yourself; just
reading your post brings bitter nostalgia. The details were different, but the idea was the same; I would spend hours in my
room listening to music and wallowing in my own self-pity about how I wasn't cool or didn't have the courage to tell the girl I
liked her or how I was doomed to fail at life because I knew absolutely nothing about how to "make it on my own". The sad
part is that I enjoyed it. Rob Thomas is great at putting these emotions into words for me, and a good example is this part
of the song Back 2 Good:

And everyone here's to blame
And everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain
Yeah, well everyone here hides shades of shame
Yeah but lookin' inside we're all the same
We're all the same and we're all grown now
Yeah, but we don't know how
To get it back to good

That song and so many others by Matchbox 20 resonate with me because of how strong the memory of those emotions
still sting. To this day when I'm feeling sad and I want to drag myself through the mud for the "pleasure of the pain", I listen
to the Yourself or Someone Like You album (or the Counting Crows albums August and Everything After or Recovering the
Satellites). So while in many cases I like to think that I've moved past it and grown up (I have in many many ways), it's not
always true and music has always been a strong connection to that time in my past. Despite my embarrassment at my
own foolishness and naivete, I miss it.

There is something else I wanted to bring up because it's still fresh, but it doesn't directly have to do with me. It just hit
close to home and nearly brought me to tears on several occasions. I have a really good friend down in Virginia, which is
something of note considering I left all my friends and family 200 miles away. She's easily my best friend in the area (apart
from my wife) and she's been in a long distance relationship for almost a year now. Things were rough on her because of
a number of factors, but a lot of it she blamed on the distance and herself, and I talked about it with her a lot because most
of her problems with the guy were things I could relate to. She poured her heart and soul into fixing this relationship as it
got progressively worse because the high points were so good, and then she found out this weekend that her boyfriend
had been cheating on her for the last 5 months. He didn't tell his friends that he had a girlfriend at all and basically
convinced everyone he was single and picked up a girl in his hometown (Chicago). I'll spare the details, but needless to
say, my friend was utterly shattered and finding out the news after knowing how hard she tried to work through their
issues together took the wind out of me. We talked for an hour and a half at work the next day and she told me that she
was physically sick to her stomach because of the whole thing and had a hard time eating and sleeping.... and then this
morning she passed out at work on her way to her desk. They found her on the floor almost 20 minutes later and she was
conscious but couldn't talk. EMTs showed up and wheeled her out on a stretcher and I was prepared to go to the hospital
with her, but after running some tests in the ambulance, her vitals appeared fine and she elected not to go. I watched over
her the rest of the day and took her home etc., but it was a truly unnerving experience to see one of your best friends, who
is already having the worst days she can remember, laying on the floor with her eyes glazed over, unable to give any
response to the EMTs but a hand squeeze to yes or no questions. She's okay now and we had her over for dinner and a
Disney movie (which was already planned on account of the weekend's events), but I was honestly scared and in shock.
Just recalling the event now still scares me and reminds me how fragile and important lives and true friends really are.

Obviously the whole thing is about her and she's the one truly having a hard time, but I thought I would dump that here and
get it out since that's what this place is for. Hang on to your true friends because you never know when you're going to
need them... or when they're going to need you. =(

I don't want to end on that note, so I saved this for last: Jacqueline, it does my heart a lot of good to see you back here
again; I hope I don't scare you off by being involved. Welcome back to this lovely place you've created, whether you meant
to or not. :)

Jackie Milton (05/25/2016 02:47pm | Edited: 02/10/2017 10:28pm):
It's really just good to see you back around here; you don't owe us or the community
anything, but there was, without a doubt, a hole when you left last July. Just know that
the site is a better place with your presence.

I know you didn't plan any of that, I certainly didn't plan any of this when I joined the
site. I thought I was just going to play advance wars, haha. I am glad I found you, but I
say that humbly given the circumstances that allowed me to find you.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on ^^^ and anything else.

X: (I didn't know we shared a **nd.)

I'm sorry about your friend, that is really scary. It's good you were there to support
her. You are the kind of friend that I revere.

Xmo5 (05/25/2016 05:18pm):
I did, which is one of the 2 reasons I remember your birthday. The second being that my
father of the same name has a birthday one day after you, though with a considerable head
start. (Sorry dad!) As it turns out, my birthday is actually 2 days before *his* father's
(also of the same name... I'm actually the 4th.... .... ... We started with Xmo2, because
Xmo1 looked dumb :P)

Sorry... speaking of reverence, I just threw all reverence of this place right out the
window. Ahem.

Fortunately for my friend, she seems to be doing much better today and I think she's made
it through the worst of it. She seemed much more like her normal self which was
heartening. I actually feel like I didn't do enough, but that's probably just me wanting
to help too much. I always have this strong pull to want to help people, but I rarely have
the balls to just help random people (including ones I know sort of well) because I'm
introverted or have social anxiety or I'm too shy or whatever it is at the time. When it's
someone close to me that I legitimately care about, I almost revel in helping them, which
always seems sickening to me when I look at it from the outside. The song Vicarious comes
to mind, but it's not quite the same; it's probably closer to Hero Syndrome than anything
else. I want to be the one to help so bad and I want to be the one to fix all of the
problems, though admittedly a good part because I genuinely want the person to be better.
I think another component is that I genuinely want them to be in good hands, being helped
by someone who cares as much as I do, but I tend to care much more than the average
person, meaning that I feel I could do more good by being the one to help. Never mind the
fact that caring and intentions don't necessarily equate to the better help or the fact
that I'm biased because I somehow feed off of it.

So sometimes I wonder if, despite my intentions and aspirations, I'm really not the best
suited to help because I'm terrible at saying the right things or saying them at the right
time or even perceiving exactly what it is the person really needs. I wonder whether the
person can see that I honestly do have their best interests in mind or that I'm not going
to think badly of them for seeing them in a weak position or for learning their secrets in
exchange for advise. I wonder whether it helps our friendship grow and opens us up to each
other or whether it pushes them away because I'm too overbearing. I wonder if, like a lot
of other things in my life, I approach the situation with too much of a text book solution
and not enough of that personal touch other people are gifted with. What if my personal
touch *is* coming off as cool, distanced, and clinical instead of warm, friendly, and
compassionate, even in spite of all of my emotions which are very much the latter? What
kind of a personal touch is that to have and how does that help anyone?

I don't think my friend didn't appreciate my help; I honestly think she did. I just always
worry that I'm only "getting the job done" but leaving them feeling empty afterwards, like
listening to technically proficient instrumentation accompanied by beautifully themed
lyrics, yet without any soul in it because the vocalist just can't find a way to convey
the feeling. It leaves what could have been a masterpiece feeling flat and dead.

Ironic (doubly so) that I should make that analogy, because I've been inspired a lot
recently to write the lyrics to what could theoretically be a song someday (if I ever get
around to learning how to play anything), and my inspiration has been entirely in the
direction of "I don't fit in because everyone else always seems to know what to say and I
just can't do it right". I love the irony in it because it would ideally be an eloquently
written song about being unable to come up with the right words. The problem is that I
have plenty of the "unable to come up with the right words" side and not enough of the
"eloquently written". Again, I have all of the emotions and inspiration pouring into it,
but it makes no difference if I can't convey that.

Well there's my doubt-filled, self-deprecating post for the week.....

Jackie Milton (05/30/2016 03:43pm):
Well, such a post is not strange to these parts, I know I've had my share.

I can't ever gauge my "effectiveness" as a friend; I never open up about my feelings, and
never share my deep real issues. I think this makes it difficult for people to get close
to me, but I don't know. I just think people are only as willing to be close with me as I
am with them. Likewise, they don't share any of their deep issues either. I'm not
offended, or insulted, or betrayed, after all, none of my friends owe me anything, except
maybe helping cleaning up my god damn nerf guns after we fight in the yard... *ahem*
But I do want to know how much I'm worth to people, mostly out of curiosity, but also, if
I am important to people, I would like to know how to be a better friend. I mention this
because of some nice things in a couple graduation cards written by some dear friends. I
like getting cards/letters that actually say something, I think it's a more genuine way to
say something personal, than say over a text message, and easier than addressing it
head-on in conversation.

On that note, I would like to say that my first few months at the Naval Academy, my only
outside contact will be through letters I get from people. It would really mean a lot to
me if both of you wrote, and it doesn't need to be any astounding motivational thing, but
just something to let me know life goes on and that I'm in your thoughts. I'll pm the
address as soon as I get it, but I won't be in Annapolis until the 30th.

And while I'm here, I wanted to put this somewhere. I wrote it a couple days ago late in
the eve. It doesn't necessarily apply to anything said here, but the theme is generally
fitting, I think. Ignore it if you want, or tell me what you think, doesn't matter.

Picnic

On a day in my life, I sat on my rear, gazing up.
The sun shone through the hovering ash cloud;
What a good day for a picnic – I thought –
With someone special.

I packed my basket with the nearby debris,
Then I met her at the foot of the landfill:

Her floral, sky-blue (or what once was) dress,
Modest and accentuate both, rustled around her knees,
As she stood there nobly in her dark blue flats
Waiting there for me.
Death, with her long, blonde hair that fell softly on her shoulders,
And her dewy, sapphire eyes that harmonized with her deep, indigo lipstick,
And her freckles sprinkled carefully about her perked nose,
And with her precious teeth shining behind her plush lips,
Welcomed me with a demure smile.

I wiped, and took her gentle hand,
And we climbed the hill of rubbish.
On the side were some rascally, fatherless kids
Digging for anything of value.
“Shoo you away; you’ll ruin our day!”
They sulked on and we both giggled.
The trash turned to dirt the higher we went
With a hope of brown grass here and there.
When we got to the top, we couldn’t see much;
The smog was thick, and the sun was gone.
There was a tree, shriveled and burnt.
We saw its last green pass when we reached our spot.

I laid out my rug on a rough patch of ground,
We then sat.
I closed my eyes and took in the charming stench,
I opened my ears to the industrial grinding.
“Do you hear that bird chirping?” She nodded to me.
“So sick and so lonely; what use are its wings?”
I grinned.
She smirked.
I opened my eyes.

She looked in the distance at nothing in particular,
As I set my gaze on her hospitable face.
The hot wind of sulfur blew through her hair,
It burned my eyes, and left her fine,
But I fell in love right then and there.

I opened my basket ready to dine.
“I don’t have much; do you mind if I eat?”
I took out my sandwich unwrapped it:
Between two slices of cardboard was,
“Part of my neighbor Pete.”
Some of the meal fell through my gums
Onto my rags, and I chuckled briefly.
She crinkled her nose and rested her chin on her hand.
After I consumed the feast,
I felt instantly ill.
Food poisoning for sure.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake!”
We laughed for a good, long time.
She took my hand in hers,
Her consoling grasp keeping my remaining two fingers from slipping away.
We laid back on the rug and gazed
At each other and the ash cloak.
As we sat, some friendly maggots came up to join us.
Squirming and biting: making the world a better place.

A crack of gunshot thundered through the air,
Then it began to rain.
The acid burnt holes on my exposed flesh,
So we both got up to find some cover.
We ran toward the ruin of an old bank,
And I twisted my ankle on the way there.
We squatted beneath some ceiling remains,
And oozed around us a yellow shower
Her clothes were wet, and her hair was wet,
And raindrops glistened on her skin.
In this moment of awe and grief,
I looked deep into her eyes.
I took her face in my hand,
And brought it close to mine.

“Stay here with me, I love you so;
Your beauty coats with sheets of snow
A world that’s less than what we’re told
That temperate is, in fact is cold.”
I shed a tear. She closed her eyes.
I felt her breath, and dropped my guise.
They say it ends with icy grips,
But it was warm when we pressed lips.

Jackie Milton (06/08/2016 01:21pm | Edited: 06/09/2016 12:41pm):

Xmo5 (06/13/2016 08:53am):
I thought that was nicely written; the imagery was really good in particular. It's pretty
unique and I really liked how it all set up nicely for the last bit.

I'm more than happy to write you while you're at the naval academy, so pm me the address
like you said whenever you get it. As a bonus, I'm happy to write in dwarf runes, if you'd
be interested in a fun and different flavor. I've written letters back and forth with my
sister (her idea!) in dwarf runes based off of an alphabet she found for the dwarves of
Erebor. We've since modified and customized to make it smoother, but if we go the route of
runes, I'll include the alphabet with my first letter so you can decode :) (Also, my
handwriting is exceptionally better in dwarf runes, so apart from the whole language
barrier thing, it would be easier to read what I wrote :P)

And finally, on the topic of cards, because you brought it up, I'm literally
(figuratively) the worst person in the world at coming up with good things to write in
cards to make them personal... yearbooks too. I might as well write things like "Hey,
buddy, we're graduating. Life is cool and we're friends, so yeah. Have fun with stuff or
something. Bye, maybe or maybe not forever depending on the circumstances of our futures."
Or "Hi, um, I know the card sort of says it already, but it's your birthday and we're
friends. Wow you got older this year and I knew you the whole time you were doing it! Cool
stuff." Or "Ouch, your grandma died. That really sucks and I feel terrible for you, but
not like in a bad way. Like I mean I just know you feel bad and now I feel bad because of
it, but I know it wasn't my fault that she died... er, passed away. (Crap I said died the
first time too) Not that it was your fault either, so don't be sad? Am I screwing this up?
I think I am...". Anyway, you get the picture. There are words that can be said and
they're good words, but they're not the words I have. So I feel bad because I never know
what to write, so I rarely write anything, even when I know my friend(s) specifically
like(s) personal messages. When I do write something, all I can think the whole time is
"Am I screwing this up? I think I am..." because it feels so forced and awkward.

Okay, I'm out of things to say, so I will stop saying things because they're not things
worth saying.

Jackie Milton (06/16/2016 04:54pm):
Well, it's probably pretentious garbage, but I think it's good; it was 'fun' to write, at least.

Yeah, honestly, runes would be awesome. I learned the runic alphabet a long time ago, but I've
forgotten most of it. Still, I don't think it would be too hard to pick back up. So that would be very fun.
My penmanship is garbage, so maybe that would be better for mine too, haha.

I get that about cards. Thank-you cards are tough for me, because though I'm generally very grateful,
I often don't have much to say, with the exception of people who are very important to me, for whom I
usually have a bit more to say. Then even irl, it's tough for me to talk seriously with people, but that's
a whole different thing..

Xmo5 (06/27/2016 11:43pm):
Well I don't really have too much to say, but I thought I'd post here one more time before you're officially cut off. In case
you happen to see this in time, good luck over the next several weeks! Hope it's not too terrible. I hear all the
vaccinations suck. ;)

But seriously though, best of luck and I'll look forward to seeing you back at the end of Plebe Summer. :)

Jackie Milton (06/28/2016 01:32am):
My induction is on the 30th, so I still have some time to say my goodbyes. So I'll update
here tomorrow (Wednesday evening) for my final adieu. (Until the end of those 6 weeks, of
course!)

Jackie Milton (06/29/2016 08:38pm | Edited: 10/23/2016 10:53pm):
Welp. This is it for 6 weeks. It's. Not goodbye, of course, but it will be a big change for me. I will be a better
person by the end of the summer, and I'll be happy to come back here and share my experiences. Thank
you both for your support, and you'll always be in my thoughts.

~realized this was just one line of text.

Xmo5 (07/07/2016 11:25am):
Just not got around to sending the first letter... oops. Sorry about that! Hope you don't
mind that I kept it kinda short, but I figured it was easier that way since you have to
learn dwarf runes (customized ones, at that) to read it, so it'll take you some time
anyway. :P

Nyvelion (08/04/2016 04:47pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:14pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/08/2016 02:33pm):
Sorry? Didn't know what to say? Feel bad? Better at writing things? On this map?

I'm confident that I speak for Jackie when I say "Poppycock"

This is your freaking place! We're just here keeping the lights on, more than anything.
You could write literally anything you wanted here... that's exactly what this place is
for, isn't it? It's a place where nobody's going to judge you and you can write whatever
you want without worrying about whether it's good, helpful, or [insert qualification]
enough. It's not a competition and it's not something you have to feel insecure or ashamed
about. This is a place for posting ugly things, and that's what makes it beautiful. (It's
also a place for posting beautiful things, but you can do that anywhere.)

Also, I know he can speak for himself (eventually), but for now I can assure you that he
doesn't care what you wrote... just the fact that you wrote him will make him really
happy. He responded to my first letter and it's pretty clear that the letters mean a lot
to him and I unfortunately only had/have the opportunity to write him 2 because I'm away
from home so much right now.

Speaking of which... sorry I only wrote you 2 letters, Jackie. I know I explained a ton in
the letter, but I still can't help but feel bad. Maybe I'll write you some more in the
future, though I'm sure it won't mean quite as much.

Anyway, it's great to see you back, Jacqueline. This thread wasn't quite so bright without
its shining Jem.

-J.J.G.
(The "J" stands for "this is actually my middle initial, but it's also what Jackie would
do so it felt right since I spoke on his behalf")

Nyvelion (08/08/2016 02:58pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:14pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/08/2016 05:16pm):
Don't feel bad!! Seriously, the fact that you wrote him will make him very happy and I
guarantee you he'll be thinking thoughts like "Yay! I got a letter from Jacqueline!", not
"Man, I can't believe she only sent me one letter." The only reason I say that I
unfortunately only got to write him 2 letters is because I originally planned on writing
him much more than that and he generally knew that was the plan, so I felt bad that my
plan didn't work out. I put the idea in his head that I'd be writing a lot more, and then
didn't really follow through.

So unless you told him you'd be writing him a lot, I wouldn't worry about it. Each letter
is a gift, and only a selfish man looks at 1 gift and wonders why it isn't 2.

I don't think they'll screen it out... the back of my envelope had dwarf runes written on
it. :)

Also, I could be wrong, but I think he's there for a longer period than the 6 weeks, but
he's only cut off from civilization for the 6 weeks (approximately).

And as a last note... thanks for commenting on a lot of my favorites... I check the list
sort of frequently to see if anyone's commented because secretly I just want those
conversations to keep going, but hardly anything ever happens and they fall into
obscurity... enough to the point that I can pretty much tell if any have seen activity by
the comment number on each map. It was nice to see some of them revived :)

Nyvelion (08/09/2016 09:12am | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:14pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/09/2016 01:09pm):
Well Jackie does like metal, so assuming it gets to him, he'll appreciate that. His metal
detector is pretty well refined.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOKV9Stri_M

-J.T.G.
(The "T" stands for "yeah, yeah, I know it's too good to be Trve")

:P

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 02:09pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:13pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 02:20pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:13pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 02:21pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:13pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 02:43pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:13pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 04:55pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:13pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 04:59pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:13pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/15/2016 05:05pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:12pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/16/2016 07:19pm):
Ah, no worries. I'm sure it'll all get sorted out. I think he gets access to civilization this weekend or something. For
real though, I wouldn't sweat it.

Nyvelion (08/16/2016 08:41pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:12pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/18/2016 11:14am):
Well, this is a good time to practice... here, in a place where people aren't going to
judge you anyway. I dare you to make a mistake and be all, "Yeah, so? It happens." about
it. You won't.

Nyvelion (08/22/2016 09:15am | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:12pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/22/2016 10:07am):
RIght, he's going to the Naval Academy, and they basically have initiation (for lack of a
better term) over the summer. After that it'll be like college on steroids. He's "free"
now in that he can use internets and thingys, and I gather he's been using AWBW, but I
haven't seen him post anything yet. He texted me to say he'd be returning to AWBW this
weekend so he might just be catching up on all the required reading.

Nyvelion (08/23/2016 11:44am | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:12pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/23/2016 12:28pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:12pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/23/2016 06:40pm):
I don't think it's that they don't value the military personnel, etc., I think it's more
along the lines of training them to be disciplined. If you can't go 6 weeks without
internet, you're probably not fit for the military. Also, I don't think it's that he
doesn't have a lot of internet access so much as it is that he doesn't have a lot of free
time because of training, etc.

Jackie Milton (08/23/2016 10:38pm):
(I’m really sorry I haven’t responded yet, I’ve been trying to get this response written up for the past few
days, but now that classes have started, I’ve been really busy. Still, it’s no excuse, and I plan to be active
enough to maintain a few games and add a few comments)

I survived Plebe Summer.
Before I talk about that at all, I really want to thank you both for writing me.

James, we've had a little conversation, but I would like to reiterate that I really enjoyed deciphering your
first letter, and I of course appreciated the second one.

Jacqueline, I am so happy you wrote to me, I truly am. I think I’ve said enough about your importance to
me that I don’t need to beat a dead horse. I will say that getting mail from people, or the hope for mail got
me through some difficult days. Generally, we would get mail each weeknight (Though some we did not),
and that was motivation enough to push through the day; that somebody was thinking about me because
lord knows (metaphorically speaking) I was thinking about them. My dad wrote every day to me, so I
usually had something to read from the outside, which I am wholly grateful for, but I didn’t know if you
would – I didn’t expect you to – send me anything, and for that I pushed day to day because I knew there
was a chance I could get a letter from you. And it’s not what you sent that mattered, but that you sent,
and I was so excited to see your letter. I like the guitar so much, it really is so thoughtful. I don't know how
much time you put into it, but it was your time, and you spent it on me. Others got cookies, beef jerky,
pictures, and dildos *ahem* What?..... But I think I'm the only one who got something with any real value
to it. Of course, that's not for me to say. So thank you. That was the extra motivation I needed to kick me
through the end of plebe summer.

So what is plebe summer? It’s a lot of running around the hall yelling interrupted by sessions of pushups
or the like when someone inevitably fucks something up. In hindsight though, it was a lot of fun. It’s
difficult to describe because none of it makes any damn sense. Some things we have to do, for example,
are squaring every turn we make and yelling “Sir, Go Navy, Sir” as we pivot, and at meals we had to raise
food to our mouths at 90 degree angles and we still have to sit on the first 4 inches of our chairs. Between
moments of intensity, we would sit through long briefs (though we had some very interesting lectures),
shine our shoes, or learn to sail, shoot, swim etc. We did a high-ropes course which I was pretty nervous
about, but I did it. I don’t really have any plans to get up there again, however. There were some funny
moments, like a time we were being reprimanded for unprofessional sitting at a brief, so we had to run
around with our hands on our knees, and bring out chairs; not able to use my hands, I put the chair over
my head and the whole company followed suit. I like to refer to those sorts of things as “funishment”. So
there were about 40 idiots running around yelling with chairs on their heads. Also bad moments, like
when our detailers nearly killed (not on purpose) another plebe during an especially sweaty wall-sit
session. If you have some questions, I’m happy to answer them, and there is stuff I always forget about.

So I guess there’s a lot to catch up on, but I’m glad to be back. Thank you two for being such good
friends.

Xmo5 (08/24/2016 10:34am):
Welcome back. :) I'll respond with more later when I have time... busy living that So Cal
life right now and I'm as busy as ever (like I have any room to talk, right?) but I'm
excited to hear about all of your adventures.

Nyvelion (08/24/2016 10:54am | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:11pm):
-

Nyvelion (08/24/2016 11:13am | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:11pm):
-

Xmo5 (08/24/2016 09:07pm | Edited: 08/25/2016 06:10am):
See? You were worried about how badly it could have gone for your stuff, but you didn't
even think about sending a dildo. What kind of sorry excuse for a screw up is that?
Clearly there are people out there who are much better at finding ways to embarrass
themselves and the recipients of their packages... you need to step up your game or you're
never getting out of the amateur league.

;)

Less tongue-in-cheeky:

I also quite enjoyed the chair bit... the funishment sounds like a great way to build
camaraderie and good memories, even if they seem silly, annoying, or impractical. It
sounds like you had a lot of fun despite the hard work and you've been gaining a lot of
experiences that most people might never have, so that's awesome. It's also totally
awesome that your dad wrote you every day; total props to him for that. :) Can't remember
if I said it earlier (what are you gonna do, shoot me if I say it twice?) but it's good to
see you back and I'm excited to hear all about it once things settle down here (and there
too, huh?) As a matter of idle curiosity... can we still reach you at the same mailing
address?

And I'm glad to hear your guitar gift arrived, Jacqueline. It makes me happy when things
work out. :)

Okay, out of time again, as I prepare to board my flight home at 6pm Pacific time... with
2 layovers... Yay for red eye flights!*

*Check your sarcasm detector :) **

**IFREAKINGLOVESMILEYFACESTHEY'REJUSTSOHAPPY!!!11!!!!1! ... Ahem... did you guys hear
that? What in the world... ?

Xmo5 (08/31/2016 06:28am):
Also, I've preserved the game we had going, if you haven't noticed, but I'm finding it
hard to get around to playing it again. This is by far the most hectic few months of my
career so far, combined with a lot of personal life stuff going on so I've sadly had very
little time to keep up with AWBW. It's all I've been able to do to keep up with (some) map
comments. My apologies if I seem neglectful... I promise it's neither apathy nor
disgust.... well maybe a little disgust, but nothing a quick shower won't fix. ;)

Jackie Milton (09/03/2016 11:12pm):
Mmm dat college grind tho...

So yeah, the short on the "package" is that it was sent from his dad as a joke. All packages have (had) to
be opened and checked for contraband (gum, tobacco, and electronincs among other things). Oddly
enough, that's not exactly prohibited to have. So yes opened in front of all. Pretty funny, which is bad
because we are not allowed to laugh :)

My mailing address has changed as well. If you still want to communicate through letters, for fun or depth
or whatever, let me know and I'll pm you the new one; I would be totally game.

So for my first semester, I have 17 credit hours (normally 18) of actual class and one period of wrestling
every week, all on top of my "military obligations," I have to study professional knowledge of a specific
topic each week, attend formations and parades, attend mandatory lectures/briefs, and do chow calls.
Chow calls are horrible. 25 minutes before every formation, we all stand out in the hall and by the minute
say time remaining until formation, the uniform, the menu verbatim, the officers of the watch, professional
topic, and major events. During this time, we are asked by our upperclass about our "daily rates": number
of days, three menus in advance, three news articles, and the names of high-ranking upperclass in the
whole brigade. It's a lot... and not so good when we screw it up.

The Academy has a lot of support for its students though, tutoring, counseling, on-site
medical/dental/orthopedics, but one thing that stands out here, as it relates to this map, is the extensive
sexual assault resources and programs, and the anti-rape culture it is trying to instill in the brigade. We
have briefs very often that detail unacceptable behaviors for prevention, and the multitude of channels
survivors can use to get the help they need with the privacy they want. I think the heavy resources that go
into this program is in part because this is the 40th anniversary for women at the Academy, and those first
- fairly recent - years were not safe environments, to put it lightly. As such, I think the academy is
compensating for that, but at the same time, it's awesome to be part of an organization that puts real
effort toward the well-being and safety of its students.

I really do like it here. It's tough, but very rewarding.

I'll try to keep up more often. If I don't have time, I will make it.

Jackie Milton (09/14/2016 09:52pm):
I guess I didn't mention that I fuck up a lot here too. I don't think I'm the person who screws up the most,
but I wouldn't be surprised if I was considered part of the "fuckup crew" (Not something anybody says, but
there are individuals you can always count on to do something dumb (Funny tangent, by the way, there is
one of us who is perpetually clueless (MIDN X), and there was one day we were all formed up on deck (in
the dorm hall) ready to go to morning workouts, when one of our detailers asked "who is staying in the
hall" for medical reasons or whatever. MIDN X is the only one to stick his hand out. "MIDN X, why are you
staying on deck?". MIDN X, "Oh, I thought you said 'who is STANDING in the hall'" The best and the
brightest, our upperclass say sarcastically...))

Anyway, I always have a good streak of being on top of my shit, and then I usually screw up a slew of
things all at once. The dumbest thing I did recently was before a uniform inspection, I forgot to shave and
auto-failed the inspection. I was the only one who did fail and am the sole reason a punishment continued
in my company for a week longer than it would have. At least I didn't call my squad leader "sir" like my
squadmate did today... (she is definitely a ma'am.) Usually it's a combination of little things that I mess up,
shoe shining, forgetting menu items, poorly prioritizing certain things. I'm not going to lie that it's tough
here, because it really is. Having said that, I often think of other places I would rather be, and I always
decide that the US Naval Academy is where I really want to be.

I miss a lot of things too. Not so much over plebe summer because there wasn't any time to "miss"
anything. I miss my friends back home, my sister. The nights I could play civ V until 1 in the morning. The
actual good time I spent with the girl who stood me up on a picnic the day before I left (I don't miss that
part). I miss this place (the one I'm typing in), and you two. I mean, I'm back and all, but we're all so busy
that sometimes this feels like a chore, but it's not. This place has given me great friends, and I owe it to
you to keep writing here. I miss the anxious, grateful feeling I had when you gave me permission to join
you. These are all things I hold on to; not things I want to go back to, rather memories that have made me
who I am now. I'm just kind of blathering here... I should be studying. I guess the lack of activity here just
makes me anxious.

Xmo5 (09/17/2016 06:44pm):
"I mean, I'm back and all, but we're all so busy that sometimes this feels like a chore,
but it's not."

This is exactly how I feel. I keep coming back because I feel like I have to, but I know I
love it here. It's something about being busy that warps your sense of reality; when time
is short, you start to guard it fiercely, even against things you know you love. It's sad,
but somehow it seems build into human nature, at least based on the way I've seen people
behave (myself included).

This sort of brings me to the topic of discussion for today. I was reading through my feed
on Quora (great Q&A site) and someone's answer to a question (which I don't recall) was
talking about how their relationship with their wife. He was explaining that his wife was
the pure and good one of the two of them, though they were both very true to each other
and committed to their marriage. Then when she was in her late 30s or something, a
relative of hers died and it sparked a midlife crisis. Basically she changed drastically
and was completely blind to it. In his words, she repainted the history of their marriage,
claiming she never loved him and started blaming him for tricking and manipulating her
into this relationship she never wanted. She started having affairs, spending more money
than they could afford, and basically stopped taking care of their kids, leaving the
husband to basically become a single parent, even though he was still trying to hold on to
the marriage, hoping she'll come out the other side.

Now, normally this is the kind of thing that I read and think "Sure, that sounds horrible,
but it's probably a bit one sided. There's more to it, I bet, even if it is mostly
accurate. Either way, though, that's horrible and I feel bad for that guy." Something
about this particular post made me stop, though. Something about it really got to me on a
personal level. If that could happen to that perfectly normal and happy couple in their
late 30s, *the same thing could happen to me*. It seriously hit me hard, as if the tragedy
were already upon me, just to think that we could do everything right, and there would
still be some small chance that a freak bit of human nature could rear its ugly head and
destroy everything beautiful we have. Reading that story I can't imagine myself in the
position of that guy, watching his wife destroy everything, and yet still standing there,
soldiering on and waiting for her to come to her senses. It's the noble thing to do, but
in the face of a situation like that, *I'm afraid I that wouldn't be strong enough.* If I
were that strong, how would I know when it becomes hopeless? When would I cut her out of
my life for the sake of the children, my own well being, and our financial stability?
There has to be a point when that's the best course of action, regardless of the future
health of our relationship, but how will I know when one sacrifice begins to outweigh the
other and how can I ever live with the decision, thinking that things would have been
better if I had just held on longer or let go sooner?

I know it seems silly to worry about all of this now, and there's no way to even know if
such a thing could take place, but it doesn't scare me any less. I obviously have no
choice but to carry on as if it's never going to happen but the irony of the situation is
that this is exactly what would make the situation unbearable. The more we share together
and the longer we love each other, the more intertwined and codependent we become, which
is what love and marriage are all about, but the one thing that would make such a horrible
situation more tolerable would be to sacrifice the love and happiness of the journey in
exchange for cold distance.

Love is one of the most rewarding human emotions, but inherent in its nature is a
vulnerability. It's an amazing roller coaster of a ride, and the deeper you love, the
higher it takes you. The higher you go, the more painful the fall. All my life I've always
strove to go higher and higher, but this was the first time when I truly paused to look
down and realize the potential gravity of the fall. (pun intended) I trust the woman I'm
with now, but how could either of us know what it's like up higher where the air gets thin
unless we climb up there? Once we're there, how can we know that either of us will be able
to keep our heads with the lack of oxygen? If we do lose our heads, will we ever
acclimate, or will we simply begin a downward spiral until we hit rock bottom with a
painful splat?

I want to be clear that I'm not having second thoughts about our marriage or anything, but
I'm just scared knowing that something so unexpected and unpredictable could take away so
many defining features of me and my life, leaving me devastated in a heartbeat.

Breathe together
Hearts beat together
The beat of our hearts is all that I hear
Storms are weathered
We're warm and tethered
The beat of our hearts can overcome tears
Stay together
We say "forever"
But in the beat of a heart it could all disappear

Xmo5 (09/19/2016 10:26pm):
On the lighter side, here's a much wittier poem that I didn't write. It's about the
atrocious rhyming/pronunciation rules of the English language. I present to you "The
Chaos" by G. Nolst Trenite (AKA Charivarius)

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Jackie Milton (10/08/2016 11:17am):
Nyvelion (10/05/2016 08:46am):
I used to believe that, a long time ago.
But then I realized that no matter what you do, people will be judging you.
How you look, what you say, who you talk to, what you're good at, etc.
One of the last things I want to be judged as is weak, which is what will happen if I lose
at too many things in a row. Here, I lost, regarding hanzhe's challenge.
I must try to win at other things to avoid the perception that I am weak.

I think that is a pretty far-stretched conclusion for someone to draw. I suppose there is potential for
someone to be so petty that they would think someone to be “weak” based on a string of silly map
comments. And really at that point, what does it even matter what they think? If they’re so held up
on the degree of silliness a joke is, they clearly do not care about your person.

Of course people will be judging you. I’m judging you, and the verdict is in; you hang around this
old place even though most of the old members are gone, and, yes, you have some personal ties,
but you still stick around to humor people like James and I by giving this place life and character.
You’re funny as shit; one of the main reasons I shuffle through maps is to stumble on one of your
witty quips. Over the summer you showed me that you cared more about me than some of my rl
friends, at a time when what got me through the days was the anticipation of hearing from anyone
outside the gates. I’m judging that you are a pretty damned good person.

Do I honestly think you are a weak person? Absolutely not. But maybe my opinion doesn’t have
much weight. We are after all, the hardest on ourselves. I certainly have a lot of flaws, and I often
feel weak too. Really weak, given my recent change of lifestyle. So if we are weak, as we say, why
not be weak together and find strength in each other?

Xmo5 (10/17/2016 10:25pm):
Hear! Hear!

Jackie Milton (10/24/2016 12:00am):
I don't like birthdays. Not that they're bad, but I always make them bad. I was going to whine a little about
why they make me upset, and I guess I will a little, but I realized my selfishness in stewing about such
things. I suppose it's because it's the day that one's existence is acknowledged, and not being
acknowledged is disappointing to say the least. I am often very lonely during this time, even when
surrounded by friends (As I was last evening (objectively, I think that is unfair to them)). I crave
closesness, emotionally or physically, with someone I can be vulnerable with. With this in mind, one of my
happiest moments was when my prom date had fallen asleep on me during our bus ride back from the
after party. Never have I been so close to someone else and felt so trusted and acknowledged (family
excluded). Even though she fucked me over right before I left, the moment and the feeling is something I
cherish still. Maybe it's not wrong for me to want more, but moping about the fact that I don't have it
pushes me away from the people with me in the moment. I guess I also realized that though I didn't sign
up for a life of loneliness and solitude (bleggh!), I did sign up to put others before myself. Brooding hasn't
really propelled me any further, and I don't want to break the bonds I already have.

Anyway, post birthday life goes on. Less emotional, work to do. Down in Tampa this weekend (and some
DC thrash) and Jacksonville the next (perks of having enough skill to hit a box with a hammer in a pre-
determined pattern), And I'll get to strut around in my whites, cuz Florida's hot n shtuff. It's nice to be
busy. Less time to stew about things.

There's a lot of sad things posted in here. Would you guys mind sharing some of your happier moments?
:)

Nyvelion (10/24/2016 01:05pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:11pm):
-

Jackie Milton (10/27/2016 11:17am):
I'm sorry I'm taking so long to reply.
I don't know what to say.
I'm not a very good friend to you.

I know you're hurt, and angry, and you have every right to be.
But there must be something you hold onto that make you feel significant or important...

Nyvelion (10/28/2016 08:30am | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:11pm):
-

Jackie Milton (10/30/2016 09:04pm):
I'm not sure that I didn't. Though, I don't think there is ever an objectively "right" thing to say either. I think
I'm better at listening.

Nyvelion (10/31/2016 12:53pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:10pm):
-

Xmo5 (10/31/2016 05:10pm):
Awww, I feel like a dope for forgetting your birthday now... The worst part is I know I
know it and if you had asked me "What day is my birthday?" I could have answered it
correctly with 100% confidence. If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty good about
forgetting birthdays... I "remembered" my sister's birthday because my wife asked me at
like dinner time "Did you text your sister happy birthday?". My wife also told me that she
had a Christmas present for me that she had to give me early... I told her to hold off and
picked the date of 10/23 to be the reveal; a notable date for being both Mole Day and my
dad's birthday. She woke me up that morning playing music and I couldn't figure it out for
the life of me, at which point she informs me it's 10/23 (which I wouldn't have known
otherwise)... so I brilliantly comment "What, is this the Mole Day song or something?",
not remembering that it was the date of the reveal. (She was trying to tell me via music
that we're going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra) So, like I said, if it's any
consolation to you, you can see what my mental state was like just hours after your
birthday ended.

Anyway, the point is that I'm a dope. Sorry about that, even though I know you'll say
"Hey, that's not what I was trying to say! I'm not trying to make you feel bad!". So yeah,
herp derp. Happy belated birthday!

If you want happy things you'll have to wait for another time, but for now you can rest
assured that I had a good weekend with some happy stories to tell. (Spoiler, we finally
got a Ninetails this weekend :D)

Xmo5 (11/02/2016 10:15am):
Okay, I'm back to fill the happy stories request, but you have to sit through a less happy
story first.

*Sigh* So, I think at least Jackie knows, but I can't remember if I ever mentioned it to
Jackie, or whether or not I wrote it here, but as you may or may not recall (depending on
your state of Jackie), my wife and I had another girl living with us for a while. She was
my wife's college roommate and moved to the area for work after being unsuccessful in
finding a job in the area we're all originally from. She was in a very poor financial
situation and so we gave her a place to stay and helped support her in a lot of ways.
After living with us for 9 months, she moved out in June, and let me tell you, those 9
months were painful for me. The girl was really nice and all, but living with someone is
tough when your habits don't really line up... Her dog was also insanely annoying and she
didn't seem to try very hard to train it better. Fast forward to now, she's doing fine and
we don't really see her all that much, but now I have another problem... One of my
coworkers got into a serious fight with her husband and legitimately considered walking
out, at which point she casually informs me that I would be the person she'd call if she
left because she has nowhere else to go. She also asked me what I would have said if she
asked, to which I said "Probably, yeah.", but she never actually asked anything like
"Would it be okay if I stay there, should I need a place to go?" which felt weird to me.

So I feel really bad for her because she really is in a crumby situation and doesn't have
friends she could go to and I am the person she's probably closest with at work, but I
have 2 problems. First, I'm so over having someone else live in my house. It's some
combination of awkward, invasive, and annoying and I just want my house to be my house. I
was excited to get out of an apartment and into a real house, and so far, over 50% of the
time we've lived there, we've shared it with someone else out of necessity more than
anything else. (What are we gonna do, tell a good friend (of my wife's) 'No, please go rot
in poverty'?) The last thing I want is another person living there. Second, this coworker
is one of those people that's fun for a short while, but starts to grate on you after a
while. She's like 35, but has mostly an adolescent sense of humor and is just generally a
complainer. She's one of those people who lives a lifestyle that presents problems, but
then doesn't understand that they're her fault. For example, she's overweight and eats
candy, chips, and fried food, drinks nothing but soda and energy drinks and can't figure
out why that isn't working for her. "But I don't eat very much food, even if it's all
bad." ... Yeah, but I guarantee you that the calorie intake is plenty high, especially at
a consistent 1-2 full size Monsters per day... that's a few hundred calories of pure sugar
which is either used instantly or converted to fat if there's not an immediate need for it
(like if you're exercising). She smokes cigarettes and weed very regularly and generally
doesn't think through her life decisions very much, at least as far as I can tell. She
complains like "I don't understannndddd... My husband and I make like $100,000 combined so
why are we still pooorrrrrrr????", yet is completely oblivious to the fact that she used
to be an extremely poor, single mother who hopped around a *lot*, always in Section 8
housing. How can she possibly think she's poor?? Also, she seems oblivious to the fact
that her smoking habits and the types of food she buys (she goes out to eat regularly for
lunch) cost a lot more money than if she ate regular people food and made it herself. Also
factoring in are 3 kids (one hers, 2 her husbands), one of which has very severe autism.
Keep in mind that they just decided to move to a $300,000 house, which I have no idea how
they're affording. She complains constantly about her job, yet doesn't realize that she's
making a decent income (as a high school dropout, mind you) at a job where the workload
isn't that heavy and the boss is pretty laid back... meaning she can surf the internet for
large portions of the day at work (granted I use the internet at work... I am now... but I
think I have an awesome job and I don't complain about it all the time because I see how
fortunate I am) "Why isn't it Fridayyyy... I wanna go homeeee" If she had a nickel for
every time she said that, she could have bought that house in cash.

Sorry to rant, but what I'm trying to say is that on the surface, with limited
interaction, she's fun to talk to and can be quite witty at times, but I can't take more
than an hour or two a day or I start to get frustrated with her for blaming the world for
her problems when either they don't exist or they're at least partly her own fault. No,
her life isn't perfect and there are a lot of things that could be better, but especially
considering where she came from, it makes me mad to see that she can't realize how good
she has it. It's all just very draining and I don't want someone like that living with me,
even setting aside the whole "Smoke somewhere else, or you're out" thing. I'm also afraid
she'd be the type to go rooting around for cash because of her character and potential
financial situation if she did walk out and I don't want people living in my house that I
can't trust to be alone there. That said, I still do feel bad for her and if something
like that happened, she wouldn't actually have anywhere to go. If I said no, that puts a
strain on our work relationship and all I'm doing is volunteering someone else who works
with us to be the victim.

So far, the only thing that I've thought of as a potential solution is "Okay, I'll put you
in a hotel for a week while the dust settles, but after that you're on your own." Problem
with that of course is money (even a cheaper hotel would run at least a few hundred) and
it shouldn't be my responsibility to pay for her hotel, but it would be better than her
living with me. *Sigh* I'm inclined to say yes at least for a night or two if the
situation comes up (I seriously hope it doesn't, for everyone's sake) and I'm sure I
wouldn't turn her down at the time, but I just hate being in this situation. Ugh... Sorry
about that, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Moving on to the promised happy stories, per Jackie's request. So my wife's best friend
came down to visit this past weekend and it was a lot of fun. We took Friday off and she
came down Thursday night. It was awesome catching up with her since we hardly ever see
her. We didn't do anything special while she was here, but we just had a good time in each
others' company. We went through Flynt Flossy and Flula's videos for fun, we did Disney
and Harry Potter themed Sporcle quizzes, we dressed like goofballs (or at least I did) to
go to Walmart for stuff, etc. The best part about it is that she's interested in Pokemon,
but apparently stopped playing Pokemon Go because it got boring. Well, since I was still
playing (on my wife's phone), her interest was renewed and we had a blast getting super
pumped about it. Even better, for Halloween weekend, there was an abundance of "themed"
Pokemon everywhere, like Gastly, Meowth, and Cubone. Since all 3 of those weren't
particularly common normally, this was huge and we went crazy. On top of that, candy
income was doubled for the holiday, so you got 6 for catching something, 2 for
transferring, and like 30-something for hatching! It also turns out that the park nearby
(great for Pokestops) suddenly had a bunch of Vulpixes (What's the plural here? Is it
Vulpixes, Vulpices, Vulpixies, or just Vulpix?) of which neither of us had caught any so
far. Yeah, like I said in my spoiler, we both went from nothing to Ninetails in one
weekend. Also, Saturday night, the girls went out to a bar (not my scene) in costume,
which included baller skeleton facepaint on the friend's part. Oh, and how could I forget?
We spent the whole weekend quoting that Shia Labeouf "Do it" video because reasons. Not
sure why that came up, but someone mentioned it and we just took it and ran... we also
watched the video and it's variations a couple dozen times. "I'm thinking about getting a
coffee, do yo-" "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" ..... "So I had this dream last ni-" "Don't let your
dreams be dreams!" or "Other people dream of success, while you're gonna wake up and work
HARD at it! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!" ... "Aww man, I messed that one up, I gotta try
again." "If you're tired of starting over, Stop. Giving. Up."

All in all, it was a very silly weekend full of casual fun and relaxation that was much
needed and enjoyed by everyone involved. Hope that was happy enough to cancel out my first
... novel...

Jackie Milton (11/02/2016 03:06pm):
Yeah, for sure. Where I'm at now, there are some really excellent people whose opinions of me I really
admire. Over the summer, all criticisms were impersonal, but now when there are people I legitimately
care about... well, you know.

And maybe easier said than done, but I don't want you to worry about saying things that might upset me.
Maybe it could upset me, you've written things before that have "upset" me (in all the vagueness of the
term), but it doesn't matter because I respect you and what you have to say.

Nyvelion (11/02/2016 04:03pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:10pm):
-

Jackie Milton (11/02/2016 06:21pm):
No no no, what I meant was that, especially initially, the fact that this was here and that you had so much
pain did upset me. I wouldn't say that I felt your pain, but I felt something and it hurt. But it is by no means
anything I would ever want to have differently. Those emotions, as dark as they are, are very important to
me because they remind me of when I found this, and how gracious you were to let me share this space
with you. You have never said anything to me that made me feel poorly. When you left, that upset me only
because I missed you, there was a void, (I know James can attest to that). Though at the same time, I
knew you most likely had a good reason, that it was something that you needed, and I was ok with that,
happy in fact. Because if getting away from here made you healthier, happier, or at least put your mind
elsewhere, that's what was most important.

As for the letter, at this moment it's sitting two feet to my left as it has been for the last 3 months. I it see
every day, and it always reminds me of the reasons I am where I am in the first place. It is by far the most
meaningful possession I have, and it always brings a smile to my face each time I look at it.

Nyvelion (11/02/2016 09:09pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:10pm):
-

Xmo5 (11/03/2016 09:40am):
I'd just like to chime in and say:

"No no no, what I meant was that, especially initially, the fact that this was here and
that you had so much
pain did upset me. I wouldn't say that I felt your pain, but I felt something and it hurt.
But it is by no means
anything I would ever want to have differently."

This is definitely true for me as well. I instantly wished with all my heart that I could
make your pain go away and it hurt(s) to see how unfair life has been to you. I know I'm a
goofball sometimes and a pretentious, argumentative pedant the rest of the time, but (even
though I've said this before) I do legitimately care about you and your well being more
than you might think or believe. I'll add to Duncan's comment to say that, in addition to
being terribly sad, I was also happy when I found this place because it was somewhere
where you could vent your frustrations. I think that's important; you need an outlet of
some sort. I was also happy because some other people had already shown up (I was sort of
embarrassed... I had clearly walked in on something private... but it wouldn't have been
the first time) and I also think it's important to be able to talk about it with other
people who support you; I think it's the next logical step in the healing process.

"When you left, that upset me only because I missed you, there was a void, (I know James
can attest to that). Though at the same time, I knew you most likely had a good reason,
that it was something that you needed, and I was ok with that, happy in fact. Because if
getting away from here made you healthier, happier, or at least put your mind elsewhere,
that's what was most important."

This, this, and definitely this. Maybe you don't feel this way, but you are and have been
an important and massively influential person on the AWBW culture and community (what's
left of it) and also personally important to both Duncan and myself. Things just felt kind
of empty when you were gone. That said, Duncan's point is spot on- As much as we missed
you and as much as things felt empty, I didn't want you to come back if it wasn't the
right choice for you. Your health and happiness are what matter most.

All of that said, this place has sort of drifted away from what it used to be, in part
because you were gone for a while, but in part, I fear, because you're afraid or
embarrassed to say the things you need to say. Please, please, please don't hold back on
our account. We're not judging you, we're here because we care and because we want to
support you. I don't care what it is you want to post or vent or cry about, please, don't
worry about what we might think. Just do it. Seriously. This place needs to be valuable to
you and I would hate to be the reason it's not. So I'll just end with this: If you want me
here, I'm here for you, but if me staying out of this thread would help you in any way,
consider it done. You don't have to try and be polite to make me feel better; you can't
offend me. I've got your back no matter what, even if that means leaving you alone. :)

Jackie Milton (11/08/2016 11:28am):
That goes for me as well. I've felt the same way, but I didn't really know how to put it in words. If space
is what you need, that is in no way an insult to either of us. And I know I'm repeating James, but if
there are things you need to write on here or perhaps want to talk about, we want you to feel free to
do so.

Nyvelion (11/08/2016 01:49pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 12:10pm):
-

Xmo5 (11/08/2016 03:26pm | Edited: 11/08/2016 03:30pm):
At the very least it's *our* space, you included, but personally I view it more like your
space. We're just humble guests. (Edit to emphasize that this place is unique in value to
you moreso than it is to either of us.)

Putting words in Duncan's mouth right now, but we're girls who come over to eat ice cream
and watch movies with you when you're down. Sure, we love the ice cream and movies but, in
reality, we're here for you and it's still your house. If you need us to leave so you can
get some rest or vent in a way that wouldn't be able to do in front of us, we're happy to
leave you to it. Of course, we're also happy to eat all your ice cream... we just don't
want you to wish we hadn't. (Not sure if girls actually do this outside of the movies, but
you get the metaphor; this is your movie)

But honestly though, I don't want you to say "Sure, stick around." because you want to be
non-confrontational or because you think it would be rude/offensive to us or because you
think your needs aren't important enough, etc. If you decide "it's better this way", you
should mean it. It's also totally fine to be unsure, and even if you do decide and then
regret it or change your mind, it's not like it's irreversible. I just don't want you to
confuse or mask aversion or submission with true uncertainty.

Anyway, I'll shut up now leave it up to you, since I'm pretty sure I'm repeating myself.
Just know that it's an open invitation (reverse invitation?) that you're more than welcome
to take advantage of at any point for any reason whatsoever. Say the word and I'm gone, no
questions asked, no hard feelings. And of course, in the case that this applies, just say
the word and I'm back with a full tub of ice cream, no questions asked. :)

(Why ice cream? Why not something like pie, or pudding? I guess pre-made pudding only
comes in small packs, but pie should be just fine. Is that less satisfying? Personally, I
would prefer something other than ice cream, but that's mostly just because I have a
problem with cold foods like that. My mouth is sensitive to cold and I get brain freeze
like you wouldn't imagine.)

Jeez, why can't I ever write something as brief as it seems in my head...

Jackie Milton (11/18/2016 10:02pm | Edited: 11/20/2016 03:39pm):
Reading, and clicking, and scrolling, and sigh.
Is it now, once again, the eighth of July?
Am I aggrieved? contented? What should I be?
It's different this time, and a new reality.

Before it was quiet, but not quite so bad.
A silence of gunfire is good to be had;
When the storm of bullets ceases to be,
There can be hope- a chance of security.

But now that the storm has come again,
And the rain of the salvo hit my dear friend,
The silence is scarier than it was before
In this dire and dreadful psychological war.

Are you hurt? Is it bad? Did you get away?
In this deadened stillness I don't know you're okay.
My imagination floods with awful conclusions.
I'm hoping only that you're safe in seclusion.

In the aftermath of the eighth of November,
All there is left is just text to remember.
I miss you already, but I understand
That this place is ridden with bad memories and reminders.

Xmo5 (12/07/2016 02:33pm):
***I apologize in advance, but I'm feeling very ranty today. This isn't meant to offend
anyone and I'm not targeting individuals with this. It's more of a sense of frustration
and bewilderment at the general public opinion on the topic and corresponding
actions/habits that follow. Please don't take it personally if it applies to you.***

I don't get drinking. I honestly don't understand what everybody finds so attractive about
it. As far as I'm concerned, it's one of the stupidest and most irresponsible things that
our civilized society accepts as a normal and even good thing. Maybe I'm biased because
I'm not naturally attracted to the beverages or the social environment in which they're
typically (or stereotypically) consumed; it's always easier to resist or dislike something
you're not attracted to in the first place (like me with alcohol) rather than resist
something for other reasons even though you get a lot of enjoyment out of it (like me with
a bowl of pudding). Regardless, I feel as though there are many more people who are health
conscious and avoid other temptations than there are people who avoid drinking on
principle, at least in my experience. Making health conscious choices and being fit is
acceptable, cool, and even envied. Not drinking is the opposite of those things. My
problems aren't with people who have a drink now and again or even those who have more
than a few now and again in the comfort of their own home. My problems are with the
widespread culture and perspective that alcohol is a great tool for having a lot of fun
and that it's socially acceptable and even encouraged to drink regularly and/or in copious
amounts. Even on the conservative end of that spectrum, the most you usually hear is
"Drunk driving is bad, have a DD." or "Drinking really isn't my thing, but I'll have a few
if I'm out with friends" and to me, that still blows my mind. My primary issues are with
the general principle as it applies to social acceptance and they are as follows:

1) It's a drug. Functionally, there isn't much of a difference between alcohol and other
drugs. They take up your time and money, alter your state of mind (regardless of whether
or not we're talking about psychoactive drugs/effects), can cause life threatening or
debilitating addiction, and can cause some serious physical harm to your body through
either short or long term abuse. Everybody generally agrees that drugs are bad. Sure, some
people still do them, but those who consider regular recreational drug use a positive
thing are certainly in the minority. Cigarettes are increasingly being targeted for this
exact reason and smoking rates have dropped off dramatically in the last half a century
(at least in the US). Why is alcohol any different? Why do people not see that this is the
same situation as all of those other bad things? Because they like it? Because it's fun?
Sorry, that doesn't work for me; no heroin addict is going to convince me it's okay
because it's fun and his friends all agree that it lubricates the gears of
socialization... which brings me to my next point:

2) There are no real benefits*, only bad or biased excuses. People do it because it's what
people do when they get together. It serves a social function by making people have a
better time together. I'm sorry, but if you tell me that your idea of fun is sitting
around a table talking or playing games with friends for which you require a drug that
impedes your cognitive and physical capabilities, makes you feel good, and may cause
retrograde amnesia** of the whole event, I'm either going to say "You must have a
seriously boring social life if you need alcohol to help you have a good time or to help
you forget about it afterwards." or "Explain to me how you would feel if I told you my
idea of fun was doing the exact same thing, but we use LSD or heroin or [Insert Drug Here]
instead... Do you see how that's not an excuse for why drinking is okay?" Plus, whose idea
of a good time has a reasonable chance of ending in vomit? Ew. In a public toilet? Double ew.

3) The potential repercussions are severe. While I drink lightly from time to time, I do
it because the drink tastes good and the social setting "obligates" me to. To date, I've
only had enough alcohol to feel slightly buzzed on a single occasion so far and that was
just over a month ago. (I drank approximately 2.5 glasses of wine at 12.5% ABV over about
an hour) I immediately found the sensation distasteful and I have a hard time imagining
how anyone would wish that (and worse) upon themselves. I realize that not everyone will
have the same emotional reaction, but what I learned from this experience is that many
people who drink are either complacent, apathetic, dismissive, or ignorant of the risks
involved, or at least more so than I realized. As an aside, I typically happen to do a
very good job walking, balancing, and otherwise coordinating myself when dizzy or
disoriented. In my limited experience with the party game, I was a master at "dizzy bat",
always running in almost a perfectly straight line at full tilt, despite the world
spinning wildly around me. When recovering from general anesthesia, nurses are usually
impressed with how coordinated and coherent I seem, even if I know I don't feel that way.
I don't know why, but when I feel disoriented, I tend to do a good job (but certainly not
always!!) navigating and maneuvering whatever tasks I'm undertaking. I'm not saying this
to brag, but to demonstrate my confidence on the matter so you understand where I'm coming
from when I say that, despite all that, in my alcohol-induced state of mild
disorientation, I never would have driven a car unless the circumstances were dire.
Knowing that there were no visible signs to external observers of how I was feeling, my
mind is blown wide, now that I understand the degree of disorientation that must
correspond to visible levels of intoxication, even at a low level because people treat
buzzed driving so casually! To be clear, I'm not saying I would have crashed the car or
that I think it's unlikely that other people in similar (even visibly intoxicated) states
couldn't successfully pilot a vehicle home, but that's not the point. The point is the
*risk* of something bad happening and everyone just turns a blind eye to it. Slower
reaction time means you're more likely to crash in "emergency" situations that you would
have navigated successfully otherwise. Disorientation means that even if you do react,
you're less likely to gauge distances, speeds, sizes, etc. accurately and more likely to
hit something you'd clearly have avoided without a problem sober. Higher confidence also
seems to pair with alcohol which normally presents itself as lowered inhibitions in a
social setting, but behind the wheel it makes you less likely to care, consider, or
accurately judge any of the other problems I just mentioned and just assume "I'm a good
driver, so I can fit through there no problem!" or "Nah, I've never hit a deer before,
this one'll be out of the way before I get there.". Obviously driving is a big one, but my
problem is that extends beyond that. Even just walking down the street or doing fun party
stuff at your house is a risk because you cant accurately gauge the situation and the
potential consequences of your actions. You're both drunk and forgot protection? Woops!
The list goes on... I forget how this particular story ended (I was either a kid or not
yet born), but a friend of our family was driving down a city street and some drunk guy on
his 21st birthday walked out in front of her car. She might have had a single drink or
something, but not enough to be intoxicated, but she hit him and he died. She was charged
with manslaughter and a few other things and I don't remember whether she got off or not,
but I know it was extremely difficult for her because she had a drink that night and
needless to say it was life-altering for her either way. This kid (I don't know whether to
say poor kid or stupid kid) was too drunk to know what he was doing and made a life-ending
decision by accident. His friends were too drunk to notice or react in time to catch or
stop him. The woman behind the wheel wasn't at fault, but had a hard time proving it
because of a small amount of alcohol in her system. Now, explain to me which part of this
horrible tragedy was not caused by alcohol. Now explain to me why, despite stories like
this being a dime a dozen, we're convinced as a society that the "benefits" outweigh the
risks?

So those are my main 3 reasons. It just doesn't make any sense to me how people can so
obviously point out all of the problems with other drugs and be willfully ignorant or
dismissive of the fact that most of those same problems apply to alcohol. They make poor
excuses because they like it and they'll be ridiculed for opposing it. Believe me, I've
lived my life being proud to hate alcohol and the most I can muster is usually a polite
"nah, I don't like the taste of alcohol" to which I frequently get objections or people
telling me how I'm missing out and I need to try [Insert Brand or Drink]. Its not the
people or the reactions I get that bother me, though, it's the principle of the whole
situation and the hypocrisy when compared to other drugs. I just want to shake people and
say "Why don't you get it?! How do you all not see that this is bad! I mean, drink all you
want, but for Christ's sake, just open your eyes and at least admit that it's a really
dumb idea with a lot of risks instead of just walking around brainwashed into thinking
there's something special about it that merits such a distinction that we have to refer to
"drugs and alcohol" individually!" Yeah, I know there are a lot of pressing issues in the
world, and no I'm not saying we should ban alcohol, but for crying out loud, why is it
that I feel like the only one who sees it for what it is? Why is it that I can't even have
this conversation with anybody I know except my wife (who understands but doesn't
care***), my sisters (who feel the same way I do, but not so strongly), and one of my
friends (who basically just stares blankly at me). Why should I have a harder time finding
a group of people who feel the same way about alcohol than I would finding a group of
pro-lifers**** or white supremacists?

Alright, I think I got it out of me... sorry for being so long winded, but have I ever
claimed to be anything else? Thanks for reading if you got this far... I'm more than happy
to continue discussion, which can be a lot more discussion-like now that I've ranted it
all out in one place. Again, please don't take personal offense, I didn't mean it that
way. Heck, I married someone who drinks and I love her to death. :P

* Yeah, yeah, I've heard the "glass of wine a day/every other day can be good for you"
spiel, but the people who say that don't usually care 1 bit about the health benefit, it's
just an excuse to drink wine. The actual proven benefits are somewhat minimal, appear to
apply only to (certain) wine, and can be achieved via other methods. It also doesn't
remotely serve as an excuse for the current drinking culture and therefore not applicable
here.

** I use "retrograde amnesia" here loosely to refer to blackouts in which you can't
remember the events of the previous night because you were so drunk. That said, true
retrograde amnesia is usually the result of injury or disease and I'm not sure whether
extreme drunkenness would qualify as damage. Alcoholism can be linked to true retrograde
amnesia, but it's more a side effect of nutritional deficiency the primary dietary intake
is alcohol: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retrograde_amnesia#Nutritional_deficiency

*** I don't mean to say my wife is a drunk or anything. She's actually quite conservative
with her alcohol usage most of the time and is remarkably understanding of my situation.
That said, when we have these conversations, she agrees with all of my points until I come
to the inevitable conclusion at which point she basically just resorts to phrases like
"*shrug* I don't know what to tell you.". She also enjoys getting reasonably drunk with
her friends on occasion, but those occasions aren't particularly common.

**** Okay, super off topic, I know, but it just sort of came out of me. The point was that
I can't relate to this moral decision one teensy bit and I'm sure the other side feels the
same way, but the fact of the matter is that the country *is split down the middle*! Why
is hating alcohol more taboo than hating either side of that debate?? ... Oy...This is
why I don't usually talk about controversial or political stuff on the internet... I need
to put in so many disclaimers. Anyway, I'm sort of sorry to anyone who may read this in
the future and take offense, but seriously, can we just put this thing to bed already? Why
is a woman's right to choose up to you? Yeah, I know the arguments, but I strongly
disagree in a very non-reconcilable type of way because there are many, many cases in
which abortions are the best course of action for all parties involved. Don't force a
yet-to-be conscious fetus to be born into a world of hatred and abuse or be given up for
adoption (as if we don't already have a long line of orphans waiting to be adopted,
feeling isolated and unwanted. Didn't you see how it screwed up Tom Riddle? Do you want to
breed Voldemorts?... Yeah yeah, I know, we don't do orphanages anymore, but we still have
orphans in foster care and group homes etc. and kids aren't too stupid to figure it out).

Dreadnought (12/13/2016 05:31pm | Edited: 12/14/2016 12:31am):
And here I thought I was the only one. All through my freshman year of college I couldn't understand why so
many people drank so much just to get unhinged, I know a lot of people think alcohol makes them better
conversationalist or more fun but in my experience drunk and or high people are just annoying, both to talk to
and to have to deal with when they start throwing up. In fact even though overall I liked living in the dorm more
than living off campus, when drunk frat bros comeback at three in the morning and come in the fire exit and set
the alarm off it is pretty annoying when you have a math test at eight in the morning the next day.

This year I turned 21 and actually tried alcohol for the first time, really ever, and I thought it tasted awful too.
Both beer and wine, so I don't get why people would put themselves through that misery just to get smashed.

Also on an another note
To Nyvelion: Sorry for being so defensive in the text adventures. I realize now that I was fairly rude when you
were just trying to make the game funny and more interesting. I guess I'm overly self conscious about people
judging me mostly because I take everything too seriously all the time so I need to work on letting things roll
off.

Xmo5 (12/14/2016 12:48am):
Well that was certainly unexpected. Didn't think we'd be seeing any new faces around here
any time soon.

Anyway, I know you agreed with me and all, but I think I came off kind of harsh. I
originally wrote it assuming my audience (mostly Jackie) would have more context on how
that fits into my life. I'm not usually this passionate about things unless they're
related to Star Wars or some other such nonsense. Don't know what got a hold of me here. :P

So for my new audience with less context, I thought I'd clarify that I'm neither vocally
anti-alcohol in my real life (it doesn't make for good dinner conversation) nor do I feel
socially repressed by being different. I certainly feel pressure to drink, but that really
doesn't get to me at all. I drink a couple glasses of (very sweet) wine or a fruity drink
on occasion and on my wedding day I had a whole 5 drinks! (3 of which were champagne). I
basically just view it as a social rite that's observed in certain situations and in which
I sometimes partake because I'm semi-obligated to for the sake of a smooth and normal
interaction. As long as there's a drink I'd like, it won't really cost me anything more
than what I'm already going to pay, and won't be enough for me to feel the effects, I'll
drink something without complaint.

I was a goodie two shoes so I only sipped maybe 3 different drinks before turning 21- a
dry red wine I hated, sangria which I also didn't like, and something else I don't
remember that was meh. You'd have to measure each of these sips in the 0-1 mL range they
were so small. On my 21st my dad offered me a sip of a couple drinks, both of which I
disliked. I refuse to try beer because it smells so bad to me that I'd never enjoy
drinking it, even if I liked the taste. Anyway, back in those days, it sort of annoyed me
that people bothered me about it because of the social pressure to fit in, but I was also
steadfast in my decision and, at least outwardly, displayed confidence. It never really
built up to be a lot of pressure since I just avoided the parties and stuff in college
(living with my parents and commuting helped a lot).

Now, I'm more confident. I don't feel I have to avoid it to validate my point and I'm
happy to try most any drinks that aren't beer-related, but I won't drink my own except on
rare occasions. I would have felt awkward, disorganized, or defensive trying to state my
reasons before but now I'm very confident in the way I feel and my reasons for feeling
that way, so it doesn't bother me to run the risk of someone confronting me about it- I
almost feel sorry for the poor sucker because I guarantee I've thought about it much more
than they have. They'd probably just think I was weird and make a mental note not to talk
to me, which is fine by me. I don't dislike people, but I have a very low need for
socialization and too many social obligations can be stressful for me. So maybe this
alcohol thing is a blessing in disguise: I don't like socializing too much and,
coincidentally, I don't enjoy many of the common socialization rites and activities. Win-win.

Now that I've bored you to death....

Dreadnought (12/15/2016 01:27am):
I've actually known about this map for a long time, since about a month after Jacqueline's first hiatus, mostly
because of your comment on another map along time ago, I actually discussed it with Duncan a little bit back
then but I never commented here because I didn't want to intrude, however I felt I should apologize to
Jacqueline about text adventures if she decides to comeback again and I figured I'd do it here that and I saw
your post about alcohol and I wanted to chime in that I agree, I generally don't get into big debates about things
in my real life either as generally it isn't worth it.

Also this maybe worth mentioning or not, I've seen Jacqueline say that she wished Melon would comeback on
various maps and I saw that Melon was on just a few days ago

Xmo5 (12/15/2016 10:28am):
Ah, you probably found it in a similar way to the rest of us then, if you've known about
it for that long.

"I generally don't get into big debates about things in my real life..."

Well, that's one thing that I do quite a bit of. I mean, I don't do it because I'm angry
or anything, but rather for reasons more akin to this: https://xkcd.com/386/

I just hate seeing people being wrong about something or walking around in ignorance, so
if I know they're wrong, I'm not usually afraid to say so, provided that they're a close
friend or family member of mine. I'll spare most people I don't know well and I think I do
a decent job avoiding this issue where it would be inappropriate, such as at work (with
one exception- a good friend of mine who works in the same building, but not directly with
me). Now, the situation is a bit more complex because even more than I hate other people
being wrong, I hate being wrong myself, and it's probably my biggest day-to-day fear.
Accordingly, I'm hesitant to open my mouth to offer up my "expertise" unless I'm fairly
certain that I am, in fact, the "expert" in the room. I need to feel extremely confident
that I'm right and that the other person doesn't know more about it than I do. In other
words, I won't take the fight to them even if I feel strongly about something- I just
assume I'm probably mistaken and that they know what they're talking about. I will,
however, in cases where I'm less certain, frequently pose my argument in the form of an
innocent question, which may have follow up questions that are less and less innocent,
until I get to a point where the question becomes "If [this] and [this] are both as you
describe, then how is it that [thing you said that I found hard to believe] is true? It
seems to me that it would be more like [alternative explanation that makes sense to me]."
If their reasons persuade me, I probably learned something new. If not, I'll being arguing
more conventionally, as my confidence likely grew as I learned more.

All that said, I don't make a habit of being wrong and I'm constantly learning new things
because I get some sort of high from learning cool stuff and sharing it with others, from
which I typically learn that "cool" is subjective, and most people disagree with my
assessment. Anyway, it's that process, combined with my constant introspection and
analysis that leads to me usually being right (certainly not always) if I've committed to
an argument. I've actually gained a reputation for debating the stupidest little things,
but having a very good track record for being right. I think it's from all the practice,
but my wife says that I it wouldn't matter if I were wrong because I sound so right, even
if she disagrees.

I've also learned to avoid arguing certain topics in which most people will never agree,
even if it means riding the sinking ship into the water. These topics are usually the ones
where I differ greatly from social norms, such as alcohol. People either resort to really
stupid arguments or have so much conviction that their way of life is the right way of
life that they get vicious quickly, as if I'm threatening them, and frequently resort to
ad hominem attacks. I don't want to have screaming matches or insult wars, I just want to
debate with people plainly and directly in a civilized manner, even if we vehemently
disagree. Is that too much to ask? (Apparently the answer is 'yes' in many cases)

Okay, I have to get to the airport, so no time for me to proofread or do any editing to
streamline my long, wandering, ramblings, so you'll have to take it at face value. :P

Xmo5 (02/06/2017 03:26pm):
Dreadnought (01/31/2017 03:13am):
Dreadnought (12/06/2016 12:27am):
Man whenever this dies it really dies

Jackie Milton (02/06/2017 11:06pm):
It doesn't die though...

Jackie Milton (02/06/2017 11:12pm):
Ah. Did you mean that comment for this map too? I agree on the other one. Not a whole lot of time to
roleplay anymore, unless that means roleplaying an adult in society.

Dreadnought (02/07/2017 09:26pm):
Honestly it even seems like AWBW's days are numbered. A lot of the old big names are gone and new games
seem to be posted less and less. God forbid amarriner fixes any of the issues like the AET and boot counter or
map maker problems or global league. I honestly don't understand why he pays to host this site anymore, it
doesn't help that Nintendo has seemingly given up on the series.

Jackie Milton (02/07/2017 09:58pm | Edited: 02/12/2017 04:05pm):
Well, I'm glad that he does. I'll probably click that donate button on purpose one of these days. It would be nice if he
offered up some of the code to parties willing to help out though. Not going to lie, boot timers and global league are
major issues...

Jackie Milton (02/07/2017 10:52pm | Edited: 02/12/2017 04:05pm):
Well, since I'm here now, I might as well write some stuff. I meant to give a small analysis on the Giver in
November, but my computer crashed mid-thought, and I lost the motivation to rewrite it. So I guess in that
regard, I'll sum up my main point. Loneliness is a product of pain, but togetherness comes from a shared pain.
This can be debated later, or not. So as usual, I'll just leave that there.

In other news, I went to an interesting brief tonight, not mandatory (at all, ~30 midshipmen and a couple
professors). So a little backstory, when the brigade reformed for 2nd semester, we had a lot of briefs, mostly to
disseminate information, introduce new staff, and set some goals. Part of that was an introduction of new navy
policy to allow transgender service members to serve openly as well as the details of how that works, timelines
for transition and such. So a pretty progressive move, certainly exposed to some opposition, but 'dems the
rules now'. This is a pretty conservative school, but for better or worse, people are pretty conservative about
expressing their opinions (partially because some opinions are illegal). But that's usually a good thing. So
anyway, the opportunity arose to listen to a speaker, a Navy grad, talk about her transition. I thought it was
pretty practical to go considering I will likely have trans sailors/marines under my command in the future, and it
would be good to have some perspective. It was a good experience to go, and I think it would have for my other
classmates, but definitely eye-opening, and it's different to hear the theory and see the person. Never met
anyone (that I know of) who had a full transition, so it was a little strange for me at first. But y'know, it's good
expose yourself to different people (bad phrasing). Just a little blip from all that, it seems to me that all the
division right now is all semantics, misunderstanding, and apathy. No one bothers to cross the line a associate
with the other, so all people care to understand is what they hear from other sources. Granted, not everyone
can really change their ways and find common ground; I read an article about an ex-KKK grand emperor or
some shit who lives in Belize. He's a local figure, friendly, and somewhat adored by the local diverse population,
but he still thinks races should be separate. People live in some odd lives of contradiction...

Xmo5 (02/10/2017 01:32pm):
Yeah, I keep telling myself the same thing about that donate button, but I never get
around to it.... ....

Your analysis of the Giver sort of reminds me of a line from Piano Man:

"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinkin' alone."

In a lot of ways, I think that's true. Most people have some sort of pain they deal with,
whether perceived or real*, and when there's nobody to share that pain with, you feel like
nobody cares and like you're alone. Are your friends really friends if you can't open up
about your pain? On the other hand, when people share in their pain, they grow stronger
bonds with each other. There's something to be said about the "walk a mile in my shoes"
expression; when you know the pain and struggles of another person, they cease to be an
obstacle and begin to become human. Some movies can do a really good job making you feel
for the antagonist this way because we just have a hard time not wanting to share in that
pain and make a connection, even if we know the person is in the wrong. We disagree with
their actions, but we can sympathize when we begin to see their humanity and understand
how they could have been led down that path. For someone who can't sympathize with this
type of pain, they might not form the same connection. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I
care about people so much, even if I don't like them. I think I'm good at putting myself
in their shoes and imagining their personal life struggles, so I tend to give people the
benefit of the doubt a lot, maybe even when I shouldn't.

*Of course it is happening inside your head Harry, but why on earth should that mean that
it is not real?

With respect to the brief you went to: "No one bothers to cross the line a associate with
the other, so all people care to understand is what they hear from other sources."
Unfortunately, this probably describes most of politics right now. There's a cool video to
watch that sort of talks about how ideas are like germs and why extreme opinions are
generated (and I know this is a little off topic from your discussion, but hey, whatever):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE3j_RHkqJc

Anyway, I think that this, combined with the lack of compassion people have since they
rarely get information straight from the horse's mouth, as it were, makes it hard to
change minds. A lot of people have a perception of what transgender people are like and
are raised with some preconceived notion about them, likely as a result of their family
and friends' cultures, and base their actions off of that. If they think transgender
people are gross or less than human**, they'll probably never take the time to talk to one
and see that they're people just like everyone else with relatable struggles. "I note the
obvious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friends, than we
are unalike. We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike."

** I realize that this is an exaggeration and I don't mean to stereotype people. I'm just
trying to emphasize that the ones with the most skewed views are usually the ones least
likely to put themselves in a position that would allow them to see the other side in a
fair, unbiased way.

Jackie Milton (02/15/2017 07:45pm):
I watched that video.... and one hundred others from the channel... I think this goes to yet again prove the point
that civilization is silly and people should probably just devolve before... well, is it already too late?

Maybe access to the internet should be more of a privilege. You know, take a test before you're granted internet
credentials. The test would include basic science, debunking bullshit, and foundational understanding of cultures
and subcultures. Or is that too fascist? People have to take driving tests in order to get a license. People have
to be a certain age to insert harmful substances into their bodies (why not ideas). The biggest thing I admire
about the Church of Satan is its rules on membership: minors (even children of members) cannot join, because
it has to be their legal decision, and they must expose themselves to alternative views. Regardless,
everybody's a fuck. Some are less fucky than other fucks, but a fuck is a fuck, and that's just our luck. (I think
I've been in the navy too long...)

Xmo5 (02/16/2017 01:49pm):
I think limiting internet rights would be fascist in a lot of ways, however, there's
certainly a point to be made about content being "clean" (not from profanity or vulgarity,
but from misinformation). You could always give universal read privilege but limited write
privilege, but I think that would still be too fascist.

The best way I can see, is if there were primary and secondary avenues for posting and
reading information. Like, youtube might have two main comment threads or video archives
(each of which has their own two comment threads). You could read either or watch either,
but only those with certain credentials could post videos or comments in the more
respected section. Alternatively, just have "verified" posts or something to indicate
users that have a minimal degree of comprehension and respect in the community.

The problems with this system are that, in practicality, it causes a divide, an "us and
them" and this is the last thing you want to do. "Us and them" leads to revolution,
frequently the underinformed or repressed rising up under the command of a smart,
manipulative opportunist who takes advantage of their manpower and then abandons them once
they're in control. Limiting the flow of information just breeds hatred. "Those poor,
stupid peasants don't have the right to post their uninformed opinions, they'll pollute
our minds!" "Those pompous, pretentious 'upper class' citizens think they're worth more
than us, but they don't know the first thing about our struggles!" It just becomes class
warfare.

In reality, the best thing you can do is improve the education of the next generations of
kids so that they'll grow up more informed and with better critical thinking skills. It's
a slow process, but it's the best thing you can do, and certainly the most ethical.
Besides, which seems more effective: Only distributing reliable and factual information,
or teaching people to distinguish effectively for themselves? The former is prone to all
sorts of abuse and bias, conscious or not, while the latter is not. Additionally, the
latter becomes more ingrained in the culture and is harder to overcome once established.

A duck is a duck, no matter his quack
By sensible measures, this new one is whack
I asked myself which of these ducks is more lame
The answer was clear- only one of them's sane
A duck is a duck, and you're his next snack

Jackie Milton (02/16/2017 03:29pm):
A joke is a joke, no matter how funny,
If they are good, tell them for money.
But be on your guard - watch your back;
For all of your jokes, someone will jack.
A joke is a joke, and sometimes they're punny.

Speaking of such, been listening to a lot of Peste Noire lately. Not exactly fascist (in fact is opposed to it), but
definitely Nationalistic and quite racist at some points...Having said that, Famine has a lot of good poetry and
makes some great music. Then there's the debate of the separation between the artist and his(her) art. Does
listening imply support of the ideology, or even monetary support simply because you want more music? No
need to answer this; I've read enough on both sides to be split in the middle. Tension is fine, maybe that's what
draws me to it as well - contradiction, relative morality. Metal is all about tension, whether in the musical
structure, instrumentation, vocal style, image, and even ideology. Maybe it's supposed to ask an impossible
compromise between social value and primal behavior. Those aligned with the former consider it detestable,
inhuman, while those truly aligned with the latter would ultimately separate themselves from society, making
their views irrelevant.

Jackie Milton (02/27/2017 10:07pm):
Well I know why you're putting off your reply.

Jackie Milton (02/27/2017 10:07pm):
I can see right through your standoff charade.

Jackie Milton (02/27/2017 10:07pm):
Satan

Xmo5 (02/28/2017 01:23pm):
Grab a coat, this is a cold war.

Xmo5 (02/28/2017 02:00pm):
Also, saying "Satan" got one of your favorite Bungles stuck in my head. It's mostly
because I mentally read "Satan" in the same tone of voice that Kylo Ren says "TRAITOR!!!"
to Fin in TFA, which is kind of similar to the harsh vocals at the beginning of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18wHoMOBPh4

Come to think of it, it almost sounds like Satan or traitor. The second word certainly
sounds like it has the middle part of those words. Anyway, I forgot how much I really
enjoy this song. Mostly because the chorus is so freaking catchy, but I do enjoy most of
the rest of it in a weird Bungle way. (S'cuse me, pardon me, comin' through, woops... I'll
stab you)

Moving on to answering your question: I'm a closet fascist. Support all of the fascism and
we can be friends, or don't and we can be still friends but with a significant rift in our
friendship nearly as large as the one I'd like to see in our society. Let's purge the weak
and begin an authoritarian regime. The iffy ones can stay since we're so accepting, but
they gotta keep their distance, you know? Like don't interact with me, and do all the jobs
I'm too good for. This is the world I envision.

I think I might have a hard time convincing you I'm fascist, but does putting those words
down on (internet) paper make me a fascist? I didn't mean them in parody or satire, but
more a hypothetical of how I would feel if I were a fascist. Granted I'm not, but simply
putting those words together and leaving them in a "public" location for others to see
doesn't make me any more a fascist or supporter of fascism than I was before. What makes
me a fascist is if I personally believe in the ideology and what makes me a supporter is
if I devote resources to fascist agendas, including manpower and moral support.

So, to answer your question, I say "no" to everything up until spending money, at which
point it becomes a gray area. Factors to consider include: Is the music meant to be
satire? Are they attempting to convince people of fascism (or nationalism), or mere
expressing themselves? Do they have a political agenda and/or a fascist following, whereby
having more money would allow them to further their reach or goals? If you answers are
something like: Yes (or no), the latter, and no, then I would say "no" to your question.
If the answers are more like: No, the former, and yes, then it's debatable that the answer
to your question could be "yes", even if it was not your motive. Similarly, if you buy
goods made with slave (or effectively slave) labor, you're supporting that monetarily,
even if you're morally opposed to it. You don't even have to be aware of the situation.
Someone could listen to the music and not know a thing about what it means, buy the
album(s), and potentially be supporting a cause they're unaware of altogether.

I know you said you've read a lot on this, but that's my take on it. I'm here to give my
opinion when people don't ask; that's what they (don't) pay me for.

Jackie Milton (03/05/2017 04:56pm | Edited: 06/17/2017 09:28pm):
March Forth with heavy weight.
Inch ahead at constant rate
Placing footprints without end
For tired legs don't start again.

Your pack was filled with heavy stone
From the quarry of malice and shame.
Encumbered, yes, but not so lame;
The power to move is yours alone.

The path would become gentler
And wrought with less pain
To let fall some rocks
And stand straight again.

Yet said is with ease, the action is not.
Atop piled mass are more Precious Gems.
Is it so worth to disrupt the good weight,
To remove the tainted slag from beneath?

March forth to April, to May, to June --
Shoulder enough to reach the next dune.
You choose what you carry,
You choose that you stride;
You have control upon this hillside.

*I missed the date; a good date to miss, at any rate... We're here if you need us.
**2nd iteration... I don't think the first said what I meant for it to.

Jackie Milton (03/20/2017 09:41am | Edited: 03/20/2017 10:08am):
This one's been due for a while, since I've vaguely mentioned it way back two-ish years ago.
But Surprise! It's still vague and cryptic, so here it is. I'll probably submit this one for competition,
so critique is welcome.

Agnostic Theist

Two furry coats dance around
My legs in the algid, foggy
Morning. Pleasant, dangerous –
The sun began to rise.

Don’t do this to me;
Take your warmth and go.
I know what will happen: I see it happen,
Premonition anxiety.

Blissful ignorance, or specific temptation?
I brush your tail, and take your warmth.
Are you? Argue
Your purpose – do you exist for yourself?

Get out! Go! I cannot bear the thought.
I love you.
I stomp. I shout. The dust bunnies tumble across the road.
The one, it stops to look behind. To validate me.

And just as quick, to validate my fears,
(Squeeze my blood against my veins)
A triple-thump to bounce against
Road and tire, lifeless ground.

Two red lights look back at me,
Breathless,
Reconsider and pull away
Leaving me with blackened eyes.

The third pair had just lost its friend,
Yet sets its gaze on me, alone.
Locked in indifferent edification.
The bus pulls to a stop.

My legs move around the corpse,
The death of my prediction.
Then roll away eyes still locked
With Certainty and Resolution.

Through numbing shock the
Sun rose up, the fog had settled.
Questions answered, He drove the car
To challenge my disbelief.

And to you who slumped with
Sacrifice and did so just for me,
No trace was left when I returned,
But I love you. Still.

Jackie Milton (04/14/2017 03:52pm | Edited: 06/12/2017 03:30pm):
Well oddly enough, this is the one that got an honorable mention despite being the most unpolished. I'm hesitant
to put it here, but ultimately this is where it goes (because this is where it came from). Jacqueline, I hope you
don't mind my putting your name in the title, although the likelihood of anyone beyond present company
associating it with you is about none to zero.

Jackal in Miller’s the House A

The sun was out, so I propped open the door.
The breeze was cool, so I let open a window.
The children were restless, so I let them play.
There’s yet grain unground, so I toil and sweat.

Outside, prowled a Jackal.
Through the window frolicked the childhood.
How attractive,
How assailable,
How unassuming was this dwelling.
And so invaded the Jackal into the home
And with force undeniable took his prize leaving most proudly.

Nothing could do I -
What fight have peasant against beast?
Shambles lie I there, broken and torn.
Must surely find I be done to Justice.
I so then ran for the to find Lord,
“Gone they’re gone! Both them Jackal took!”
Behind from wall came fortified and
The lord, “What,” replied, “it took?”
Sobbed,
“Youth my -
My innocents!”
I aloud.
“Slef yourcalm, now theer there.
Ecpext waht yuo did?
Nature of Jakcal is it.
And drwa you even it naer.”
Pointing fence short at my,
“At yuo look,
Ressit, he cuold nwo?

Fi ouy tcepxe a alacJk uhnt,
Go bakc to ryou omeh,
Hte tmie nda lvsie fo rehto mne
Enar’t hwort a ’slolfew etlp,
Sutj og cabk ot amke eth adber;
Ngehur si wreso htan nroum of daed.”
“Ubt hwat atbou rctoeinotp -
Eht tsfaye fo het dnla?” I aesrcm.
Het dlor besnd orve ot nsatd ounp sih hdans,
Nogokil wndo ot hte llimer he ksas,

“Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?
Une omelette?”
“Oui”
“Oui?”
“Une omelette au le fin de siècle...”

~2nd iteration, though not much change from the first, thanks for the suggestions; I think this is smoother.

Jackie Milton (04/23/2017 11:29pm | Edited: 04/23/2017 11:32pm):
Counseling is nice. Good way to vomit thoughts on a neutral entity. (sorry). Many good resources here from
emotional to physical to academic. Any way you slice it, there's always someone to help. I will say that my
counselor kind of offsets me in an honestly unimportant way. When she looks at me she stares with her eyes
bugging out of her head gazing past my body into the cosmos beyond... heh.

Weird thing about discussing suicidal ideations, especailly outside the walls of confidence. Very taboo. That
doesn't really make much sense to me. It surely isn't only me who considers his(her) own mortality, and the
thought of not being around is never appetizing to anyone? even for brief moments? I think that's just silly
(bullshit). Maybe because it's hard to draw the line where ideations turn to reality, so all is unhealthy evil. That
makes it even harder I think, but then again, I don't have a degree in psychology. Had a sophomore in company
separated last week for suicidal tendencies. Spooks me a little... They say that therapy stays in the office, but I
still can't help but worry my commission will be affected.

But. (Butt). I'm still here, still grinding. creeping closer to summer starting off with my SAPR training, which I'm
looking forward to. That's something I really want to be successful at, though hopefully never need to use that
training - though hopefully should an incident occur I am well prepared.

SAPR. At some level I have to be critical of it, otherwise it stagnates. Words are meaningless; acronyms won't
stop sexual assault. Change in culture will. The academy: best and the brightest*
*and some inhuman degenerate fucks
But that just goes for individuals; culture perpetuates. There are a lot of great people here, no doubt, but it's not
perfect. Sex for men is conquest, sex for women is competition. Though subtle (and occasionally overt)
misogyny varies in the ranks of males, the slut-shaming among the women cannibalizes their classmates. Very
brutal and unfair (not to sound whiny). Maybe it's hard for people to treat humans like humans. Maybe someday
we will, but for right now, you need to be a man or a woman, or black, or mexican, or gay (but you better not be
trans, putting a label on that would be too hard. Oh, "human" you say? well I beg to differ..........)
I denb vero ot dtsan on ym shand, lkoo ta hte dornug nda mvtio.

Xmo5 (05/03/2017 12:21pm):
I've been negligent here. I think these are all just above my level and I have nothing to say.

Jackie Milton (05/05/2017 10:24am):
Any questions about the poems, then?

Xmo5 (05/05/2017 11:33pm):
So I figured out what the jumbled letters say, but I don't get it, especially the french bit at the end. This is
why I wasn't an English major; literary analysis was never a strong point of mine.

Jackie Milton (05/06/2017 12:15am):
So, I mean, the poem starts out very straight forward but starts to become messy and confusing, syntax
everywhere. So form reflecting meaning, as the situation develops the more confusing and ridiculous it gets. I
think in this context here, on ADR, the theme should be fairly obvious after a couple reads or a read-aloud. For
the french at the end, that's the most BS part for sure. On one hand, it's supposed to be so out there and
unintelligible that you really can't make sense of it. On the other hand, au le fin de siècle is "turn of the century"
but also applies to a point of cultural change in France, not necessarily for the better (At least as I understand
it). And eggs and omelettes probably mean something too, but I got lazy with the precision, I mostly just liked the
imagery and thought it would be extra silly to end this poem with some bullshit about omelettes.

Xmo5 (05/06/2017 11:08am):
Okay, okay. It makes way more sense now. I think I must have missed the obvious role of the Lord in this the first time or two through, and along
with your explanation, watching it fade into nonsense is a good parallel. Form reflecting meaning indeed. The French bit makes sense for the
same reasons now, but I definitely didn't read into the turn of the century line (though I did translate it).

I think it would be better with a more gradual transition into nonsense or maybe if only the lord spoke nonsense (or became increasingly
nonsensical), at least at the beginning. If the whole thing eventually gets jumbled at the end, that's fine, but I think it should start with the lord
only at first, maybe expand to include unspoken words, and ending with even the miller's dialogue getting jumbled either in an attempt to
communicate with the lord in a way he understands or as a result of confusion and frustration. Also, I'm not sure how you'd smoothly make it
more jumbled... maybe just jumble a few letters at first, or only some words, or both? Maybe make the jumbled words easier to decipher and
increase the difficulty factor as it progresses?

Anyway, just my opinion; I think it's still good as is. Besides, it's your work of art so you don't actually have to listen to me. :P

Oh, and why "the House A"?

Jackie Milton (05/07/2017 09:22am):
Hmm, That's a good idea. if I consider a future revision, I think I would like to make the nonsense more gradual.
I mean I play with syntax more and more in the 2nd to third, but adding a subtle scramble or misspelling earlier
would be good, especially if I can make some wordplay out of it.. Thanks.

So I mean, the title had to make sense beyond the personal sphere at least. "A Jackal in the Miller's House."
"Jacqueline Miller's" is just a reference to why I care about shit in the first place.

Xmo5 (05/07/2017 10:19am):
Oh, duh. I'm stupid... It didn't occur to me for some reason that the title was scrambled. I had literally all
the pieces of the puzzle, I just didn't put them together. Sometimes I wonder about myself... oy.

Jackie Milton (05/07/2017 06:30pm):
Ugh.. puzzles and pieces... Just finished watching Death Note per friend's recommendation. Good show - very
intellectual. Can't say the ending was my bag of tea though.

Also just read (listened to) The Island of Dr. Moreau - H.G. Wells. I like that proto scifi stuff. Pretty quick go, but I
liked it. Kind of introspective on humanity and animality of people. Plus there's a part where the mutant animals
chant their laws "Are we not men? We do not walk on all-fours. This is the Law" etc.. Some poetic value to that
for future stuffs...

Xmo5 (05/07/2017 10:06pm):
I wish I had more time to read. I feel like I would love to get more into the arts in general with music, reading, and writing, but it's just so tough anymore.

Also, from what I've seen of Death Note, I've loved for how intellectual it is. My sister loves it and, as I mentioned, we've committed ourselves to watching it through
together because it is most certainly our cup of tea (she's seen it all through at least once... and also the live action version, which I heard was also really good). I'm
excited for when we finally finish (which could be months from now), but I'll have to talk with you about it when I'm done.

Jackie Milton (05/09/2017 11:09am):
Audio books have been really good for me. And I know my mom does that a lot driving to and from work.

Live action? Might check it out if I have time.

MIDN 4/C Plebe (05/14/2017 08:10am):
Happy Mother's day, Jackie.

Jackie Milton (05/14/2017 08:19am):
lol fuck. Now I have my dumbass account I plan to use for making dumabss naval academy maps... fuck.
Now I feel like an idiot... my life is a joke.

Fuck....

Jackie Milton (05/14/2017 10:16pm):
Well... I hope the message stands beyond my idiocy.

But on the bright side, I won't actually be MIDN 4/C Plebe for very much longer, at least not until eleven hundred
sweaty young adults fight to summit a greasy tower to change its hat. They say the person to change the hat will
be the first to have a thick strip of yellow on his/her sleeve.

Jackie Milton (05/23/2017 10:43pm | Edited: 05/25/2017 11:48pm):
As usual, I'm pretty sentimental about anniversaries. Last year, getting ready for indoc. Two years, my outlook
on life changed. Back then, I would have never guessed I'd be where I am now, doing what I am now. Training
to respond to and prevent sexual assault in the military... I think two-years-ago me would be satisfied... The
English department gave me an award for that poem, yet I wish I couldn't write it. It's funny, I wrote a paper on a
poem from a professor at the department, he references Paul Celan's "Todesfugue" a powerful work from and
about the Holocaust. He writes "But would [Celan] revoke his poetry if it would undo the Holocaust?" Well, as
my
dad says, "if worms had handguns, birds wouldn't fuck with them." So here I am, me, and everything I interact
with becomes a part of me (like goblin weapons (sorry)); I'm part my father, part my mother, part Academy, part
James, and part Jacqueline. I'm glad for that. And life moves to and fro - I will be attending the visitation of my
sponsors' daughter tonight. 21, car crash. How easy to slip into nothingness, leaving pain and grief in your
wake. Yet, this is reality; we move forward I suppose. In a week, I'll be moving under water... for five days.
craziness. I suppose a less metaphorical submarine than I've previously dealt with... Anyway, I hope I'm doing
things that are worthwhile. Even if this Earth is crumbling under our feet, I think there's some good to salvage.

Jackie Milton (05/26/2017 12:01am):
Ick... that's a jumble of nonsense. I guess it makes sense in my head...
But does my head make sense? I guess that's what I go to counseling for.

Just a tip, if you're feeling insignificant and meaningless, don't browse the "Nihilist memes" page on Facebook.
Too real...

I don't think I'd mind dying in combat (obviously that's not the goal).
But for what?
I think we fight because we're upholding the security of the nation, and our friends and loved ones accordingly.
But what if that nation fucks over our friends and loved ones?
Is it better than ISIS beheading all nonconformists?

Just because I think I'm working for something noble and pure.... doesn't mean I am....

walkerboh01 (06/13/2017 01:32am):
It's been at least two years since I've looked at this page, and all I can say is that you guys are cool people.

Xmo5 (06/13/2017 12:37pm):
Thanks :)

Sorry to hear about your sponsors' daughter. It's a harsh wakeup call to remember how
fragile life is, and how even more fragile the conditions and quality of our lives are. I
graduated high school 9 years ago, and I know 5-10 people in my graduating class have
since died from various causes. At least 2 suicide, 1 drug overdose, 1 car accident, and 1
heart condition. I know there were others that I'm not remembering right now, but the
point is that it's scary to think about.

My cousin had a friend we'll call T, who came from a broken home. His parents were
divorced and his dad killed himself, leaving him and his two older brothers with a single
mother on welfare who refused to get a job. My cousin was always a good influence on him
(though sometimes it worked the opposite direction), but T's brothers were both more...
nefarious. They'd always give T a hard time for not being as "cool" as they were, as they
smoked pot and committed various (minor) acts of vandalism. During this time I hung out
with my cousin a lot (the same one who showed me AW), and so I knew T pretty well. I had
always seen T as having a better head on his shoulders and the most likely of the brothers
to break the mold, even after his oldest brother joined the army. I found out a few weeks
ago that it turns out his brothers got hooked on heroin and then got T hooked as well, and
not too long ago he overdosed and was revived. His commentary on the event was something
akin to "Maybe I should lay off the heroin for a while."

It kills me to see that happening to him, but in so many ways the odds have always been
stacked against him. That's probably what I hate most about life, the fact that some
people just get enormously screwed over by circumstances that conspire to make their lives
miserable and tragic. Part of it is government policy, I think, but part of it is human
nature and a self-perpetuating culture that's hard to redirect. I do feel that better
social welfare programs would help a lot and that decriminalizing drug use and improving
education can make a big impact but, still, there's something about human nature that
makes (some) people take that path if pushed. It's scary because of what it does to them
and what it does to society, it's scary because of the condescending and detached analyses
by (some) more privileged individuals that perpetuate the cycle, and it's even more scary
knowing that either one could be you. Knowing that you're not immune to this, because
somewhere inside of you exists the framework to lead you down that same path if you are or
had been put in the right circumstances. I could have been that kid who made the bad
decision to drive home drunk and stoned and crash headlong into another car, killing all
of its passengers along with my best friend and his brother, but live to regret it the
rest of my life. I could have been that troubled child who did drugs and spent time in
juvie before spiraling down into an adulthood of unhealthy relationships and unemployment,
ultimately culminating in getting as high as a kite to blow my brains out while my
girlfriend lies passed out on the bed. The driver, his friend, his friend's brother, and
the guy who shot himself all went to my high school. Any one of them could have been me,
and that's terrifying. Even if you "do everything right" you could be those people in the
other car, and that's almost just as terrifying.

Life is so fragile, and somehow it's easy for us to forget that...

Jackie Milton (06/17/2017 09:21pm):
Thanks, Sean. Hopefully my poetry didn't make you want to gouge your eyes out. I edited some of it up there right
before you commented actually...

Xmo5 (06/17/2017 10:57pm):
I don't remember exactly how it was before, but I think I like it with the edits more. :)

Jackie Milton (06/17/2017 11:32pm):
Which one?

Xmo5 (06/18/2017 08:51pm):
Jackal in Miller's the House A. I haven't read through the other one again yet.

Jackie Milton (06/26/2017 03:57pm | Edited: 06/26/2017 03:59pm):
Hopefully AWBW won't mess up the formatting too bad... I might post this elsewhere.
~Damn the site makes it painfully obvious (And also destroys something I meant to be more obvious). I'm just going
to put it on discord and see if any body has thoughts or suggestions.

Jackie Milton (08/04/2017 02:20pm):
I'm pretty late on this one, as it happened probably about a month ago, and it probably should have come here
fresh in my mind. Maybe I'm avoiding this page, looking at it at least; I always check for new comments.
(Tangent Alert) You're not here Jacqueline, and that's a hole I can't fill, or at least I haven't figured out how.
Even then, I want you in my life because I value you as a person, as a friend. I want you back, but that's not
fair, you're control of your own destiny has been suspended and here I am demanding you be a part of my life.
I hate that and I hate me. If I can be better, I'm open to suggestions...

Anyway, that's not what I meant to talk about, but I guess it just happened. Where I was heading was that I
had a really good conversation with my dad the other day (albeit through text messages) about our
communication disconnect. As was a big point up top for me, there has been a lot of strain for me when talking
to my father specifically regarding expectations. I had the opportunity to explain that one of the biggest roots of
our disconnect arose from his constant scrutiny of my progress in establishing non-platonic companionships
paired with his concern that if I'm not socially competent in that regard I might kill myself because I hadn't
experienced the realities of the emotional tax of denial and breakups. This was probably onset at the ages of
10-12. In all honesty, I think this has, in part, set the playing field for my emotional stability and fitting-in-
edness. Then again, I'd considered the implications of suicide, so maybe such attributes of my person were
just amplified. Regardless, it was good to get that in the open. I'm getting more confident about that and more
confident about myself and who I am/what I want to be/project. I think this is a result of either my distance from
my family or my development at the academy. Probably a combination of both. I'm still me, I still can't stand
myself, but as I come to understand me, I'm more comfortable in my body and in my world. That's pretty good
at least.

Jackie Milton (08/12/2017 01:32am | Edited: 08/12/2017 01:34am):
Well, with all this anxiety,despair, and other seriousness, I think I'll break that up with some more positive
observations, and some of my personal thoughts on military politics.

Right now, I'm in Boston during an one-month training called LANPAT which stands for (LANPAThe fuck if I
know). YP cruise, is the colloquial term. So what we do is we take the "Yard Patrol" craft (miniature ships) up
the East Coast and we familiarize ourselves with ship handling and navigation. Plus we've gotten some sick
time to spend in Baltimore (museum of dentistry), Philly (death metal concert), NY (friend with a sick family
hookup (Also I've never been one to smoke, but I do like cigars, and that Cuban was the first time I really "felt"
something. my last was with a Marine Corps officer as I slowly watched him get plastered)) anyway, in my "sea
and anchor" duty section, I take visual bearings through a telescopic Adelaide at water towers or various
landmarks. I like it out there because I'm outside of the chaos on the bridge, and the breeze is nice, and I'm
pretty good at it. On my regular watch team, I'm the lee helmsman, so I operate the engine controls. Most of
the time I make minute adjustments to maintain a specific speed. Other times the conn might give me
maneuvering orders, but Usually I just have to keep an eye on speed. As a result, I also have to keep track of
every standard command to both myself and the helmsman, so I have to multitask throttle adjustments and
logging things like "come left steer crs 078" or "right full rudder steady on crs 245." Now this was all fine and
dandy until the steering alarm started screeching. Essentially pressure in some hydraulic steering tube will
occasionally drift to low levels, and the ship responds by screaming loudly. Enter my tertiary duty of alarm
acknowledge so that every time (anywhere from 1 to 90 second intervals) I have to have a finger on the button
to silence it. Ok fine, I can press a damn button, I have two hands after all, one for the button, and one to log
and throttle. Then nighttime hits, 10-2. I can't see shit. Luckily, I don't have to adjust the engines to much, but I
need a hand to operate the light and one to write, but as soon as my finger leaves the vicinity of the button, the
ship says "fuck you!" And screeches. So that was fun. In between pressing the button I gave a brief history of
black metal, and my watch team found my alternative names for King Hall condiments. (Like calling Sriracha
"rooster squeeze" and olive oil "virgin juice" is apparently *very* funny at one in the morning)

As I type this now, I'm hearing drunk people like cats. I like that more than drinking. I did have a miller lite, that
was simply garbagio in my mouth, I don't know how people do it. I don't know, I certainly loosen up, but it never
makes me feel better, just more useless... why can I only be open face to face when I subdue my body? Oh
shit, I had one rule for this post, fuck. What else is good?

I guess it's Plebe Parents' weekend for the incoming class. It's goddam crazy to think that that was me one
year ago. What changes in a year? I still like metal, so I guess that's not a phase (only time will tell) :) I'm losing
my friends back home in place of new friends here. That's bittersweet, but I am closer to my "sister" more than
ever. That's good. As I consider the significance of gender, I begin to notice the idiosyncrasies in myself... but
maybe more on that later.

And speaking of which, gender equality in the military. As with the rest of society, there isn't. Though I think
some seemingly inclusive practices are part of the gender wall. I will say that the current secdef and secnav etc
are making some wise actions in regard to military politics. Pardon my rambling, but I'll try to focus now. Look
at starship troopers. Now in the book, Heinlein separates males and females on an aptitude basis (grunts and
pilots respectively). But I'd like to look at the movie's portrayal of gender. Throughout the course of the film,
men and women are treated equally on an institutional level. Shared berthings and specifically showers. It is
also clear that women represent a minority which is certainly accurate today. I think the movie, though an
obvious work of fiction and comedy, is a bit ahead of its time. So here are my two suggestions, integrate men
and women fully (and progressively) and match fitness standards of women and men. I have more to say, but
I'm interested in input before I flesh out my arguments

Xmo5 (09/22/2017 02:46pm):
I know I owe you a response... I've been some combination of busy and lazy, but one day
I'll get there.

Jackie Milton (10/17/2017 12:53am | Edited: 10/17/2017 01:07pm):
Well. I owe a follow up too. Lot of Flak (heh) on service academies right now after the communist
West Pointer incident. A lot of this calls into question standards and integrity at the institutions and
the military as a whole. All want to boil it down to a nice little tablet you can swallow. Our own
Bruce Fleming, a tenured English professor, is a generally forward speaker in questioning the
need for USNA and academies in general. But he's an important voice; too much circle-jerking
goes on around here without really thinking about what the Academy is or isn't. Anyway... I could
go on more, but who am I to say what's what. I've got opinions if you're curious, but I think I'll keep
them to myself otherwise.

Popped the AW2 SCOP theme on youtube. It's a good little piece of music, always got me pumped
up playing the game. Sometimes I listen to stuff and tear up. I like that. I like music that wrenches
out old feelings. I get two now listening to this. The memories of advance wars as a kid, always
something I could fall back to in times of boredom, or something I could share with friends. And
this here. 698 spewings (roughly). All this vomit here means so much to me, I have difficulty
picturing my life without it. I'm happy. I'm happy I have you and I will always be grateful to have
shared this space with such wonderful people. I rarely feel good. Sure, I love my friends, and
where I am: the smell and the air of the Academy in the evenings is... incomparable. I'm much
better at feeling bad now, I regularly take to a professional, and I'm much more comfortable acting
out who I am. The point I want to make though is that I don't need to feel good, and I always have
this and you. Even when AWBW withers, the power and love I've felt in here is something that will
be part of me forever. Thanks guys. I know I stumbled into you, but thanks for everything.

Xmo5 (10/26/2017 11:28am):
First, I want to say that my procrastination pays off yet again. It's been so long since I
first read your post on 8/12 that I forgot what it said, so I had to read it again. I
forgot how much fun I had reading that one, so I essentially did myself a favor by waiting
and forcing myself to read it again. I legitimately couldn't help but laugh while reading
your story and it made my morning. :)

I'll also add that I love how much you think about things. Not that I think everyone else
is part of a massive, unthinking, herd of sheep (https://xkcd.com/610/), but I feel like
you have a lot of legitimate, insightful thoughts about a lot more than I ever did at your
age (and probably more than I do now). "...and between you and me, that's saying something."

I'll also echo your feelings about music- I tend to enjoy music that make me feel sad, and
I don't know why. I know I've already mentioned this album here once, but specifically the
song Kody off of Yourself or Someone Like You is one of my favorites. It's about a
depressed kid with no aspirations whose friends try and keep him hopeful until he
eventually (presumably) commits suicide. The song is from their perspective and it just
packs so much emotion, despite being somewhat basic in its formulation. Hang is another
good one off of that album. Rob Thomas just tends to have a knack for conveying emotion
with his voice and lyrics; even if you don't have the experience to relate, somehow it all
ends up feeling so personal.

I can find it hard not to just sit and wallow in those feelings, even knowing how distant
I am from these situations that are harsh realities for many. It seems selfish to
romanticize these emotions for my own benefit at the expense of those who've truly
experienced such tragedy, but that thought only tends to drive me deeper. Maybe music is
more accurately compared to recreational drugs, and the variants that play on those
emotions spur the most potent responses. Or maybe what I'm feeling is empathy for others?

As an aside: I probably made reference to it a while back, but there was a girl I liked in
High School who fairly obviously liked me back. I wasn't nearly bold enough to ever ask
her out, apart from the fact that she always made sure to have a boyfriend. Ironically,
she helped my wife and I get together and she remained one of our closest friends and
still is, though we're geographically distant now and don't see each other more than once
or twice a year. So to flesh out this story a bit more, her boyfriend of like 5 years
(plus 1-2 years before a few-year break they took in Middle School when he was moved to a
private school) started going off the deep end in college and they broke up. He was a good
friend of ours at that time too, but he changed a lot and quickly. We had all sort of
assumed they would be the first married couple of our group of friends and my friend put a
lot of her identity in that relationship, so it was hard for her when they broke up on
not-so-great terms. That said, she's a strong person and didn't let too much of it show
and bounced back pretty healthily. The reason this is all relevant is that a few years
after the breakup, after I was married, we happened to be at a New Year's Eve party at my
parents' house and when other people were out of earshot, she sort of sighed and
(completely sober) said out of nowhere "Why couldn't I have had you...". It took me so
much by surprise I didn't even say anything in response, but my heart instantly broke for
her because I knew exactly what was going through her mind. I'd long since given up any
romantic feelings for her, but, among other things, she was essentially calling our
mutual, long-standing bluff about how we felt in High School. Not only that, but going so
far as to actually say the words out loud to me, and unprovoked at that, is a major shift
in her demeanor. This crack in her facade said more than her words ever could because they
told me not only what she felt, but how strongly she felt it. It was in that moment that I
realized how sad and regretful she must actually be about how everything played out.

I mean, frankly, I don't think we would have been compatible anyway in retrospect, though
perhaps moreso now, but the fact remains that I don't know that I've ever felt so bad for
someone as I did for her in that moment. Here's one of my best friends telling me that she
did have feelings for me at the same time I had feelings for her, and showing that she's
truly saddened by the fact that nothing ever came of it, but those feelings are nothing
but nostalgia to me and I'm happily married and devoted to my best friend. I can't even
say "If I could go back, I'd rather it play out differently." because that's not how I
feel now. I simply don't have these same regrets and I wouldn't give up everything I have
for the chance that things worked out between my friend and I; even considering what life
would be like almost hurts more than knowing what it feels like for her now. But
nonetheless, I'm in a position where one of the people I care most about in the whole
world is telling me she's in pain and that, even though it has a lot to do with me,
there's nothing I can do about it. I know she didn't expect (or even want) anything out of
me. I know she respects my wife and my marriage and she wants us both to be happy, but
that almost makes it worse because, despite all that and the potential reactions I might
have, she still couldn't help but say it. We've seen each other since and she's been her
normal self and there's been no other reference to that comment, but it still haunts me in
many ways.

Okay, after the aside that's longer than the rest of my comment... back to the topic at
hand... Or maybe what I'm feeling is empathy for others? Sometimes when I listen to songs
that evoke sad emotions, it's really closer to experiencing a taste of another person's
pain. Parts of Snuff by Slipknot make me think of my situation with my friend. Even though
the context of song itself doesn't apply to me, many of the lyrics do (metaphorically),
from at least one of our perspectives. A non-exhaustive list of examples:

---------------------------------
I still press your letters to my lips
and cherish them in parts of me
that savor every kiss
---------------------------------
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
---------------------------------
It took the death of hope to let you go
---------------------------------
A healthy portion of the last bit, but the perspective changes back and forth between us:

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself

And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooooh my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
--------------------------------

Obviously, much of it is over-dramatized compared to how we both really feel, but it
doesn't change the fact that many of the same emotions and general perspectives are voiced
in the lyrics. So this is why I say that empathy is a strong driving factor for my
enjoyment of music that draws on my negative emotions. These songs make me feel for people
in those circumstances, not just mine specifically. Then again, is that really any better
than empty pity for people if I'm doing nothing to actually help them? Does it make me a
better person because I can pat myself on the back and say "Look how empathetic I am."
when it has no functional impact in my daily life? Whatever the case may be, the fact is
that pulling on the experiences, nostalgia, and emotions is something of an addiction for
me and is a strong contributing factor to my degree of introversion and introspection.
It's like I need that time alone to reflect on myself and allow time to process,
experience, and even wallow in these emotions.

Okay, this is getting long so I'm going to leave it before I think of something else to say...

Jackie Milton (11/07/2017 01:16am):
Thanks for your reply here and on the discord, I really don't know who I'd be without this and you;l
October tends to be a frustrating month for me.

I really appreciate your stories here. Not that I can always relate, but they're yours and you're sharing
them with me. Of course, your wisdom is also something I really admire when reading what you write.
There's nothing I can add to that that would be productive, I'm just glad it's there.

I've been busy a lot lately, but not so much that I don't have an incredible amount of time I squander...
hours drained into reddit while I put off papers that I'm actually rather interested in. (I'm pretty proud of
my essay on medieval courtly love, professor said it was "provocative"). I think about all the places I
could better put that time: DnD campaign, excessive, learning French, finishing poems (so many
ideas...), and of course writing on here. Although, this is less of a crutch for me now: I see a therapist
weekly and I'm much more affirmed in who I am. On that note, and I'll probably wander a little here,
"who I am" I imagine is s struggle most people have, and I know I focus a lot on who I am not or who I
fail to be. I came to the realization (replying to a letter from my dad) that I've always been happy. Very
depressed and questioning my existence regulatory, but happy nonetheless. The fact of the matter is
no one is free from suffering, and for me it's part of me and shapes my perspective. Sure I want to feel
less shitty, some days being better than others, but there are so many people I love and care about.
That's where the happiness is. Speaking of the letter, it's still tough for me to talk with my dad, but I'm
at least much more open to speak my mind. This seems to be unsettling for him, but I think he
ultimately appreciates it. I opened up several doors and that letter and even referenced this map and
what it means to me. I'm anxious about his reply, but it's better than talking. Much like this place,
honestly. I hope nothing I write upsets him too much, and it's not like I say "you're a bad father" or
anything remotely resembling that, but I call out our interactions during my development and I feel
(relatively) confident in my voice and in myself. Shifting gears, I'm going to write a little about gender. I
find the topic really fascinating in terms of human development. We as a society are certainly moving
away from the point of gendered existence (dividing people into fundamental cultural functions),
leading people to question the necessity of those boundaries. I think there is a certain truth in the
matter: that individuals are just that. Maybe they fit into a box and like it there (my experience with
cats seems to suggest this), but for others, not so much. With that said, I want to talk about me a little
bit and just air it out here. I don't really identify with "manhood," as it were. An aggressive,
conquesting nature has never resonated with me at all. I rather enjoy being subordinate to others and
I tend to be more attracted to women with more masculine traits, mostly in personality. But at the
same time, I like a lot of my masculine traits, like being physically strong for example. I like the idea of
androgyny, clearly my anonymous handle is rather ambiguous ("A" is for "alliteration"). I feel
satisfaction when people can't tell or have to question (believe it or not, I had a run-in with some
creepiness on here). I think the reason is that people have to look at me for me which pulls me from a
label to individuality, which I guess is what I want. That's enough of that for now.

Now for something completely different (actually). We had a probable suicide in the brigade last
Monday. Very shocking and very unnerving. It's a tragedy, but I wasn't exactly going to dig into that.
The morning we were notified, we were woken up very early to come to breakfast to listen to the
Superintendent, something very serious especially given the unexpected and sudden nature of the
call. Drifting through the minds of my classmates and I was the idea that we may have declared war
on North Korea, and worst case being early graduation. I had and incredible sinking feeling that "fuck,
it's real now." I felt the weight of my commitment, before the actual word on what happened (a death
really is unfortunately best case given the circumstances). But to think that maybe I would have be
leading actual sailors or marines into battle is terrifying. I'm a fucking English major who plays clarinet
and does DnD on the weekends. Not anymore. I would be a leader and have no room for me. But
that's my end state here anyway, and this is not something to dissuade me from continuing. But who
knows what will happen in the next three years? Not me. I was thinking to myself "not now, I can't
possibly lead now" but where will I be once I commission? I have to lead now. Whew. That's heavy.
heavy day. Hopefully global unrest settles and America finds a cure for its illnesses. Sometimes you'd
just wish there were a god and that they would listen to my wishes (but just me of course :P)

Jackie Milton (11/09/2017 01:10am):
And so again, the Earth has moved so much, but not at all.

Jackie Milton (11/28/2017 01:15am):
I like my major; I've always wanted to be an archaeologist, but English is the closest thing at the
academy. Where history creates a narrative around written documents, the are inevitably second-hand
sources. The world is tangible, and language is construction. But just because language cannot provide
us an accurate reality of past events, the written word is, by definition, an artifact. Study of literature
examines text not as documentation of history, but indicative of culture and social structure when
placed in its temporal instance. In other words, it's much more interesting why something was written
the way it was, and not exactly what is written. I love it. Aside from my emotional stakes, I think that
contributes to my fascination here... are you real, or did I make you up?

Jackie Milton (11/28/2017 01:24am):
X, (or whoever lurks here, I'm guilty of such things) I'm taking some issue with this one. Can I get you thoughts? I think the dialogue is hazy and I need to really
smooth it out. For general context, I'm alluding to some common phrasings. Usual topic, though indirectly.

Homebroken
The tea tasted of dishwater
But not being rude, I take sips.
A friendly luncheon nextdoor –
My neighbor’s thought drips

Like his sink onto the floor.
I doubt he’ll fix that awful mess.
His front door sits unhinged –
A certain cause for his distress.

Far too long a periphery fringe,
Time was due that I come to talk
And catch his dribble in my cup –
Though I’ve not been listening.

“ – that’s what’s about folk;
They don’t take of themselves
And are unhappy when broke –
We owe this to ourselves.”

I nod and look thoughtfully up.
Of course, I came here to hear
Not to bind with beliefs so blind,
“Still, we should guide those from fear.”

“How’s that?” my neighbor spoke,
“People can’t learn for themselves;
If on own air everyone chokes
No one can teach ourselves.”

I swish the tea around my mind;
I’d spit if I could, but not this place.
Its peeling walls itch just enough –
Is that a snarl from his face?

My steak looks very tough.
Granted, it’s raw and seeping wet.
I hear him growl and I think he snaps –
Or do I only imagine that?

Then I ask, “So who picks up the scraps?
Surely something must be done
With derelict human undercuts.”
I sit back and let his mouth run.

“It’s only those that make up smoke
And everyone to care themselves.
The fire then you try to choke,
Which there is not but for ourselves.”

Into the room his mangy dog struts
With fur so putrid and nose so dry.
“Is your pet ok? He looks so ill,
Do you care for this beast, or let it die?”

“That dog is only a very thick oak
He cannot speak at all for himself.
You can’t teach against nature’s yolk
He is just him and I am me myself.”

It snaps at me intented to kill.
I growl back; my senses unwind,
“Restrain this savage!” meets a shrug,
“I can’t; he’s urges and I have mine.”

The dog jumps up to get his fill
Of the meat on my plate. Neighbor
Follows suit, and withdraws his
Genitals to then piss onto the floor.

Jackie Milton (12/03/2017 03:57am):
From the map I just published
If it doesn't render, the indent pattern(in spaces relative to the margin) are:
0
3
2
1
4

Serpent

I’m so happy,
Help me dry these tears
Pushing into my pores.
But a dull pain presses my lungs –
I have not breathed so well.

My smile is strong
Enough to fight
My racing heart pulling it down.
My head feels numb
And bliss could not be so close.

Dopamine fills me up
A heavy sludge
Suffocating my vocal chords.
When I scream them raw
Is it not so beautiful?

Life surges and flourishes
Throughout my writhing body
Pricking each neuron gently awake.
I feel each exist
To see that it does not hurt so much.

I am alive,
Until I am drained clean
Closing my strained eyes
Worked to pure exhaustion,
And I have not been so happy.

Jackie Milton (12/19/2017 06:48pm):
As if this needed to be any colder.

Also ^^^ needs a lot of work...

Xmo5 (01/05/2018 11:30am):
I'll take a line out of XX's book and say "I think I'm just too dumb for this." She says
that a lot whenever we watch something thought-provoking or philosophical because I really
enjoy it and feed off of it, while she's typically more apathetic and not as good at
wrapping her mind around things. Anyway, that's how I feel when I read a lot of your
poems, and these in particular. I feel like I generally get it, but I'm always hanging on
the edge of *actually* getting it and lacking the strength to pull myself all the way up.
Given a little boost I can usually make it the rest of the way there, but I think I'm just
too dumb to do it by myself.

Since it's fresh on my mind, it's sort of like Star Wars (the first 6 movies). (Mostly)
everyone gets that Luke triumphs over the Emperor and the Dark Side by having faith that
his father can turn and notice that this is him learning the true path of the Jedi and the
only way that true victory could have been achieved. Digging deeper you notice that he
contradicts what Obi-Wan and Yoda taught him and you realize that their way of doing
things, which they consider to be the "Jedi way", was wrong and that Luke's insight there
was more than him just becoming a Jedi, "like my father before me", but rather taking the
next step in learning what "Jedi" really means. Then, beyond that, you can see in the
prequels that this is exactly what Palpatine used to his advantage to come to power in the
first place- the fact that the Jedi lost sight of what it meant to truly defeat the Dark
Side and were willing to become warriors rather than monks, put them in a vulnerable
position which lead to their destruction and the general public's positive reception
thereof. It's also one of many factors that led to Anakin falling to the Dark Side to
begin with, and so seeing Luke undo all of that and redeem Vader, causing the downfall of
the Emperor/Empire is not only poetic, but a major testament to Luke's wisdom and
understanding of the true nature of the Force. It's also one of the reasons I was hesitant
about the idea of a sequel trilogy, since the return of the Sith/Dark Side sort of
undermines the philosophical victory Luke achieved.

Anyway, all of that is to say that when I read your poems, I get that the good guy wins
and I get that it was the only true path he had to victory. I understand that this is the
symbol of him becoming a true Jedi. I maybe even understand that Obi-Wan and Yoda were
clouded in their judgement about whether Vader could turn. What I don't see is the true
philosophical depth of the victory and the beauty of how it's the mirror image of how the
good guys lost to begin with. I don't see how the new good guy didn't just learn the way
of the Jedi, but transcended his teachings and masters and overcame their mistakes by
seeing that their solution to the problem of evil is the very thing that gave rise to it
in the first place.

In other words, I get it, but somehow I just can't fit the pieces together to truly
understand it, and I think it's because "I'm just too dumb for this".

Moving on to your other post, I don't have much to add except that I'm glad you're opening
up with your dad. I think it's one of those things that probably feels weird while you're
doing it, but in the long term you'll thank yourself for it. I'll also say that I
generally agree with what you said on gender, except about how it applies to me
personally. There are a lot of stereotypically "masculine" traits I relate to, but also
many that I don't. I agree with you on the aggression comment, but I'm not always content
with a subordinate role. If I'm confident about something, I prefer a leadership role, but
only if I perceive myself to be the most capable. Otherwise, however, I'm quite happy to
blend into the background, listen, and learn. I also like the idea of being strong and
tough, though I don't think those words really apply to me much. What I probably take the
most pride in is being able to make real life decisions based on logic with little
emotional influence, which I guess would stereotypically be a male thing? On the other
hand, I also tend to pride myself on a healthy level of risk aversion, which is probably
something I consider more of a stereotypically female thing. The point to all of this is I
guess to agree with you that gender stereotypes are stupid and that everyone's an
individual who fits into a spectrum on any of a number of different traits, regardless of
their gender. Maybe certain genders are statistically more likely to fall in certain areas
of the spectrums, but so what? Why should that make a guy "not manly enough" because he
hasn't boned every girl in town or wears hearing protection when he mows the lawn or
doesn't crush empty beer cans against his head by the dozen, etc. (Obviously, the same
applies to girls not being feminine enough because of not wearing makeup etc.) ... Did I
say I didn't have much to add? Oops. I lied. You should have known better, so it's your
own fault, really.

While I'm busy lying, I'll also say that I can't imagine the terror I might feel if I had
been in your shoes that morning if there was a serious possibility I'd be going to war.
The "it's real now" feeling would hit me like a ton of bricks and it's a scary thought. I
mean, I already feel that way about potential wars, but obviously that pales in comparison
to being in your position and getting the same news.

Okay, I promised more information about that friend of mine from high school. Let's call
her Linda (I'll forget I made up that name in 5 minutes). I'm going to assume you remember
(or can reference) my previous story about Linda, so I'm not going to cover any of that
same information. Fast forward a year or 2 from that story and she has a new boyfriend. I
know the guy from high school and always thought of him as an okay guy, but the more we
hang out with them together and the more we hear from Linda, the more of a douchebag this
guy turns out to be. On the first double date, which is the first time XX met him, he took
a couple fries off of XX's plate without asking at all and then gave a smug smile
afterwards as we all stared in disbelief. Good first impression, but small potatoes (heh)
in the grand scheme of things. After that, we started hear about how he never drove
anywhere or paid for anything, which is sort of understandable because Linda made a lot
more money than him (fellow ChemE working in her field vs Home Depot associate), but then
apparently he just racked up a bunch of debt for no reason, buying things he couldn't
afford because "Linda has money". Unfortunately, Linda's parents don't have much money
because her brother's an idiot, so she spends a lot on helping them out. Anyway, they
moved into Linda's apartment together, where she continued to pay for everything and he
proceeded to care less and less and eventually just sort of lived there, keeping to
himself and apparently watching a lot of porn. She tried to break up with him and he sort
of said, eh, I'll stay here. I can't remember if his name was on the lease, but XX and I
both told her she needed to take legal action at that point, which she didn't. They sort
of patched things up, but then she found out he was cheating on her for months, plus he
wouldn't give her back his key to the apartment, even though he sort of agreed to move
out, and he was seemingly almost proud of it. Needless to say, XX and I hated him at that
point. They eventually officially broke up and he moved out and gave her back his key
without any legal action. This all took about 2 years.

Then, she got another boyfriend we met last Christmas and he seemed awesome. We totally
liked him and got along with him and Linda said he was far more respectful than any other
guy she'd dated since her big breakup in college. This year when we saw her we learned
that they took a trip to the UK together in August and that, despite being together 10
days 24/7, they got along swimmingly. After that trip, Linda asked him if he'd consider
moving in together and he suddenly just lost it I guess. He declined for semi-legitimate
reasons, and then when she was asking more about it it turned into some big fight (their
first in about a year and a half) and he just basically said "Hmmm, looks like we fight,
better break it off." and then refused to answer any of her calls/texts. Super sudden and
out of nowhere. Linda, on the other hand, was completely committed to the relationship and
is more the type to want to work things out, even if they end up breaking up anyway, so
she took it really hard. He pretty much had another girlfriend within a week and was
(according to Linda) saying and doing things about/for her that he never had done with
Linda. I know that's a lot of information, but the point is that she was very seriously
depressed as a result. She seemed her chipper self when we talked to her, but told us that
during that period she ended up calling the suicide hotline on 2 separate occasions and
evidently didn't eat anything for quite some time. Granted, she had gained some weight
since college and she looks like she's a healthy weight now, but neither of those things
are good or reassuring. From the sounds of it, she's past the worst of it, but growing
increasingly depressed about not having a stable, long-term relationship because she's
"already almost 30". Naturally, I feel terrible for her, though it sounds like she's
getting the help she needs now, but I can't help but be angry at the gender expectations
thing. She's not the only girl in my age group that I've seen depressed/desperate because
they're getting old and haven't "found a man" yet, and there's some stupid societal
pressure that dictates that that's what normal is and that they need to conform. If a
guy's single at 30, he's living the good life because he has no responsibilities to tie
him down, but if a girl's single at 30 it's because she's not hot enough or a good enough
girlfriend for any guy to marry her. *eye roll*

Sorry, that got pretty preachy, but I've been feeling that more and more recently as I see
the pattern of people my age getting older and reflecting on their lives.

Oh, I forgot something else about Linda. The douchebag boyfriend who wouldn't move out?
Yeah, he's back in the picture, trying to win her over again. Now, by everything she says,
she's been really impressed with how much of an effort he's been making to atone for his
wrongdoings and has even talked openly with her about it (which is a major step in the
right direction for him), but XX and I are still pretty skeptical. Supposedly Linda has
been firm with him about them not getting back together but that she's happy to be friends
with him, but I'm worried about where that ends... Only time will tell, I suppose.

Hope you're still awake after all my womanly gossiping. At the risk of sounding
repetitive, I won't apologize for my long post this time. I also didn't proofread for
grammar or coherence, so I'm sure it wasn't my best work. Just deal with it! ;)

Jackie Milton (02/07/2018 01:45am):
Fuck a month. I'm sorry. Do not dish lest ye not take, as the old saying goes.

Anyway. most of my poems are the same. I say the same thing in different ways. usually what i post here is relevant to the topic
or the people involved. Myself included I guess. This last one, which I still need to hack through. basically I want it to read down
or inward. Meaning the first lines read first, and folling the indents, the 4th lines, the 3rd, and so on. I don't know. I'm in an odd
state of being. I am so happy, as a state of being. My friends and experiences are a wealth I can't express, and not least to
mention what has occurred here. At the same time though, I really don't like me. Maybe more and more, which is good, but a lot
of times I'd just rather not be. This is reinforced when I fuck up close social interactions, or plans fall through. they always do**
[tangent]. I complain about lack of friendship, but do I forget the beautiful people here? Ahh, why cant I be satisfied with the
people I have that I don't even deserve....

I don't know who I am, but I'm painting a clearer picture. Maybe that's why I like my image a little bit more. The idea of me, that i
don't have to be who I should be, I can just be me. This isn't to say I can't work on habits and virtues, but any expectaions of
who I ought to be, matter less and less. That's why the gender thing is curious to me. I think I have some exploring to do. Maybe
with makeup or clothes. Or maybe not at all. Who knows. I can't really dress well as a man currently, so I think I have some
bases to cover first.

I'm sorry your friend has been going through all that. I'm not a big fan of actual rollercoasters, that one is actually dangerous. I
can't really add much, because it seems like you and XX are solid in your support and I think you two are fantastically generous.
Hell, you let me the internet rando hang out in your house for a few days. Sorry if the pizza got cold, but I can't help that the
american rail system blows...

This all being said, I do have a friend issue too. My buddy A from back home has a history of getting himself into trouble for truly
dumbass things i.e. bringing capt morgan to school. But I love the guy, he introduced me to metal and good music, and he's got
a heart of gold even if he's a dumbass. But it's not all him; his parents are children, and mostly his dad. Don't get me wrong, I
like both of them very much, they are very honest and hardworking people, and biker metalheads. I think an accurate anecdote
is that my dad was hanging out with A's and A's dad says, "man, my kid keeps smokin weed and it's not geting him anywhere."
A valid enough statement, but less so with a blunt in his hand. He's them is the issue, and they know it and they "try" to stop him
from making the same mistakes they did. But what ensues is yelling and non-productivity and a lack of understanding. He's
moved out a couple times, but still close to home. This time is different though. This time, he's gone all the way to California with
nothing but a ukelele on his back and a couple of friends on the other end. I would argue that he ought to get out, but he's got no
plan, no net, he's just left to the will of fate, and I'm so worried about him. I want him to be happy, and maybe this is a step he
needs to take. Maybe he fails hard enough to knock his life into gear, or maybe he'll just be happy. It's all very exciting, but I'm
not sure that's a good thing.

This is enough for now. Sorry. Maybe we all should just head every message with "Sorry about the wait." There's 61 sorries
(including this post) on this page.

**I went to the service academy ball this break, and I had asked my "sister" to accompany me. Well, we were having trouble
contacting each other -- both of our phone services suck -- but she ended up having to work that day. the problem was that it
was too late to ask anyone else. It was nice to go with my parents, and I talked for a while with a guy who was with me on my
submarine, but I just felt inadequate. No one was keeping tally, but me. Maybe my dad, he's seen many plans fall through W to
the 8th grade formal, X to meet up and golf over the summer, Y to come to homecoming, Z for the picnic (after I wrote "picnic"
the first time actually). I don't mean to whine, but after the umpteenth time, maybe people ought not spend time with me, or I'm
toxic, or creepy, or annoying. And then I actually fuck up something and it's no longer in my head. Been trying to have a little
reunion with my plebe-year youngster mentor, but we keep "rain-checking." I doubt this is the case with her, but sometimes I'm
afraid my female friends are concerned about my "intentions." Maybe I'm weird that I conflate friendship with love. But I
differentiate platonic/romantic.**

Jackie Milton (03/07/2018 01:26am):
A friend is a friend no matter how distant;
It is enough, the fact they're existent.
Memories and feelings I cherish and hold
Grow stronger and fonder the more I grow old.
A friend is a friend, of this I'm insistent.

Xmo5 (03/07/2018 09:35am):
I'll have you know that I wrote this whole response out yesterday, only to find that the
map comments were broken (this is actually how I found out)... anyway, now that they're
fixed, good ol' copy paste to the rescue:

This once-a-month posting cycle seems to be pretty stable...

I think that idea for laying out poems by indent is pretty cool; you're much more
artistically talented with your writing than I am. I feel like I write my material to
(hopefully) flow well and sound good, but it's mostly surface level polish, whereas your
material tends to have a lot more intricacy and depth to it, and is frequently much less
conventional than mine.

I honestly can't relate to much to your next bit, except that I do a good job beating
myself up over stupid social interactions, important or otherwise. I've gotten better at
faking competence in social interactions over the years, but behind the (hopefully) normal
looking expression and (hopefully, typically) normal content exiting my mouth is an
overheating processing unit with a rabid, hyperventilating monkey at the wheel, in full on
panic mode trying to figure out what button to push next. It wants desperately to know how
social interactions work, but they're far enough beyond its level of cognition that it's
only hope is to work based off of trial and error. Hundreds of correlations and tabulated
data to pore over in the hopes of finding the right things to say at the right time, but
the governing equations remain elusive. Inevitably, things go wrong, sometimes awkwardly
or detrimentally so, at which point the monkey proceeds to throw a tantrum and smash its
fists repeatedly against the anger, sadness, and humiliation buttons, while still trying
to keep up its previous job of navigating the iceberg-laden sea of social interaction.
It's usually only downhill from there, but I promise you that even if the monkey recovers,
he's smashed the aforementioned buttons enough that they get stuck, often for days or
longer, especially if there are legitimate (real or perceived) consequences. I'm
personally terrible at moving past things and letting them go (as we've discussed), but
really that's what needs to happen in that situation. It doesn't do any good to keep
feeling miserable about something that you can't undo, and instead focus on where to go
from here.

Self-exploration is definitely a worthwhile endeavor, one that it seems you've been slowly
progressing on. I think sometimes it's hard to be happy unless you know who you are and
what it is you're looking for, especially when you can free yourself from the perceptual
restrictions of "should be"s. One thing I'll add here for you to think about:
Experimentation is good and I think you should do what you need to do to understand who
you are. That said, be careful not to make changes out of a feeling of inadequacy, but
instead make them because they're what you want (or think you may want; it's okay to be
unsure). I've seen a recurring theme of you feeling like you can't live up to the
standards of masculinity and I just don't want you to feel like you, therefore, need to
experiment with other options. Depending on the root cause of your feelings, you could
either be embracing your identity or misleading yourself into avoiding the real problem.
To be clear, I absolutely don't want to discourage your experimentation with clothes or
makeup (or whatever else you might consider), but I just don't want you to go digging down
a rabbit hole looking for answers to come up disappointed because you were asking the
wrong question and didn't realize it. That said, you probably know where you are better
than I do, and exploring and learning more about yourself is great, so I do hope you get
answers one way or another. Best of luck!

I hope things work out with your friend. I'm really conservative in life (not politically,
but in the general sense of the term), so taking a risk like that scares the bajeezus out
of me. I like to have security in my life and, while I'm spoiled in that I have 2 awesome
sets of parents (now that I'm married, at least) that I could fall back on if hard times
really hit, making a bold move like moving hundreds (thousands?) of miles away with no
plan and no job is a non-starter for me. Then again, everyone is different and maybe
that's the push he needs to get his feet on the ground. I'll keep my fingers crossed for him.

Speaking of people out west... XX and my sister went on a trip together to Arizona last
week to visit my cousin who goes to college out there. They're all similar people in a lot
of ways, but my cousin is... well... she goes hard. She's on the school rugby team and
holds a job as a (sort of) bouncer at a bar out there (though she's still 20) and she
parties a lot. Like, to the point that her grades are suffering, she's retaking classes,
delaying graduation, etc. The worst part is that she's a really intelligent individual,
but she's become really apathetic and spends most of her free time either stoned or drunk,
from what I understand. Anyway, they went out to see her, but she didn't really do all
that much with them while they were there, and a good portion of what they did do was hang
out in her apartment talking with her, watching her and her roommate(s) get high. My
cousin is cool to talk to for the most part, but I'm, sadly, gradually losing respect for
her as she lets her life sort of wash out underneath of her, despite her significant
potential. I only see her once or twice a year, and her stories are turning more and more
into relations of drunk escapades and friends with alcohol poisoning or almost getting
arrested and someone cutting themselves on the broken glass as they escape out the window
in the bathroom, etc. They're entertaining, sure, but I can't help but feel a wave of
condescension with each new experience she recounts. Thankfully, nothing crazy happened
while they were visiting and it sounded like the two of them at least had a good time and
did some fun stuff together, but oy, I worried a lot xD

P.S. Seriously don't worry about the pizza, nobody blames you for the driver delivering it
so obnoxiously early ;)

P.P.S. Can't remember if you saw my post on Discord, but Marcus and I sat in my car for 2
hours after we checked out of the hotel and played a couple missions on the AW2 campaign
on an emulator on his phone. That was after we had stayed up until 3 doing the same thing.
Just like the good old days, except we actually slept.

Zeronix (03/11/2018 04:38am | Edited: 03/11/2018 04:39am):
I've been lurking on here for a while, reading all the comments, keeping updated... so I hope you
don't mind if I join in.

I just wanted to say that part about your cousin really resonated with me, because I'm in college
right now and I feel like there's a lot of peer pressure to blow off classes and get wasted on
weekends, which I personally am not a fan of (mainly because I don't like loud noise, bright lights
or cheap alcohol.) I usually end up staying in alone while everyone else goes out to party.

I also feel the "lack of motivation" part very strongly. In general I feel like people here don't have
the hunger to work hard and do well that I used to take for granted in others, and it's negatively
affecting my own discipline as well. It sounds like your cousin is going through something similar,
only worse. I hope she makes it out of her slump - god knows it's too easy to lose discipline
somewhere along the way.

Peace out.

Jackie Milton (03/12/2018 07:38am | Edited: 09/21/2024 09:47pm):
Only friends are allowed here... so thanks for being a friend :)

Join in. Please. Especially if thoughts are more bite-sized. James and I tend towards massive text walls and essays, and
me poetry as well. So it could be good to break it up. Or whatever.

I know you weren't responding to me exactly, but I can express some stuff on this topic. For me, alcohol is limited to the
weekends, for better or worse -- some people go absolutely wild and just get obliterated. I'm very picky about where and
how much I drink. As I've found out there is a line of enjoyability that I cross quickly. Small group, close friends, few
drinks. Even then, I'm loose with my feelings and can get to feeling real shitty about myself for whatever reason.

I was in New York recently with the drum and bugle corps for a game we had to play at. During part of our free time
however, we got to hit the town a little. I got dressed up, wore my $300 jacket I got for chirstmas, and all. Anyway, for the
latter part of the evening, the plan was to go to a bar, and that was it really. We had like a group of 7 people, and I really
didn't want to go drinking anyway, but I was with my friends and probably would have just stayed at the hotel otherwise.
So we all get in, and it's loud and all, I'm enjoying the cover band that's playing. One of my friends is blasted after like
three beers, it's wild... the others are drinking, but I'm really just hanging out. One is trying to get me to buy something to
kinda participate, and to loosen me up in general. I was already starting to feel bad that I was just dead weight for the
group. I end up buying a drink later, and I just break down. Never had such a storm of self-loathing. I hated that I was
somewhere I didn't want to be, that I spending money on stuff I didn't want, that it was way to loud to have a
conversation, that I was dragging down my friends, that I'm too anxious to engage socially. And then to make it worse, I
was very visibly upset and a friend came over to talk to me about it essentially validating all my shitty feelings. Now I
actually was preventing someone form having fun, and I guess he was hammered, but it didn't help that he was
patronizing me about how to talk to people (despite the bar being so loud I couldn't hear shit). I was very embarrassed,
and I still am.

(Edit: Only recently recognized this was a moment of gender dysphoria. Trying really really hard to be a man. dressing up,
dressing nice, meeting people at the bar. I felt like I was wearing someone else's skin and I just couldn't do it. I got
overwhelmed and shut down. It feels different when I go out now. That my body is correct, and I feel good moving it and not
being embarrassed, rather affirming myself in my body.)

Now I'm off to the Virgin Islands where the drinking age is 18. I hope I have fun, though I guess that's partly on me.

I don't think this helps you reach any sort of resolution, of course. But this has historically been a place of venting. Also
not to mention, I'm not much of an authority on social navigation.

Welcome to the dungeon.

Jackie Milton (03/12/2018 07:38am):
James. I'll get to that in a minute.

Xmo5 (03/13/2018 10:04am):
Welcome! I'll echo the above- you're more than welcome to lurk, hang around, rant, write,
give advice, or really whatever you want. We're happy to have you. :)

I'll also weigh in on that, having been through college (and been raised in the U.S.), to
say that college work ethic in America... just kinda sucks all around. There are certainly
lots of people who put in solid effort and care about performing well and learning the
material but, from my experience, most just care about going to have a good time. The
primary goal is "enjoy youth, party, get laid, and slack off" with a secondary (or perhaps
tertiary) objective of "learn some [mumble] so [mumble] get a job [mumble mumble] support
myself" and this is something I've always found frustrating. People could accomplish that
goal without paying $100,000 to do it, or alternatively, having their parents pay for it.
Maybe it's just because people at that stage in life don't tend to have a good grasp of
the significance of that amount of money, or maybe it's just because they don't care (or
perhaps some combination of ignorance and apathy), but in a lot of ways, I find it hard to
fault the individual students. I think there's a deeper cultural association/expectation
that overrides logic in most cases and, when combined with concentrating a bunch of
adolescents for extended periods of time, results in the current college party scene.

I was fortunate in that my parents paid for my college education and that I had a natural,
strong aversion to alcohol, people, and partying. In a lot of ways I was ideologically
opposed to the premise and principles of these things, and in many others I was relatively
sheltered. Regardless of the root cause, it felt legitimately wrong to participate in said
activities and I had the convenient option to live at home and commute, keeping me another
step removed. Then, I eventually found other people in my major who were focused enough on
their work that they only drank and partied occasionally, prioritizing their education,
and we got along really well.

While it's really easy for me to view the college party experience with the utmost
condescension (which I frequently do), I don't think that's really fair of me. Odds are,
if I had been in someone else's shoes, I would have been one of those people I viewed with
contempt while I was in college; I just got lucky that a number of factors happened to
work in my favor. This is something I wrestle with a lot, actually.

Anyway, the best advice I can give is to find people who seem to share in your
interests/work ethic as much as possible and spend a lot of time with them. I'm sure it's
hard to get away from the drinking/party scene, but if you feel like you have another
friend that you'd be letting down, I think it'll help a lot. My main group of friends
consisted of 3 other people: One was really smart and drank the least apart from me, one
was pretty much identically intelligent as me and drank a bit more, but not enough to
impact his work, and the last was a little less intelligent, a little more lazy, and drank
somewhere in the middle of the others. We were great friends, but between the 4 of us
there was also internal, implied competition. We definitely helped each other out a lot,
but you couldn't afford to be the dumb one all the time. If one of us dropped the ball or
did something stupid, you can bet we gave them a hard time about it, and I think that
encouraged all of us to strive to do better. No, we weren't all perfect, hard-working,
model students, but we definitely had our priorities in order and cared a great deal about
learning the material and getting good grades.

"Dime con quien andas, y te diré quien eres" - Tell me who you walk with and I'll tell you
who you are. I always interpreted this to mean "If you hang out with mean people, it's
because you accept mean people and are willing to be friends with them, and therefore, on
some level, you are mean by extension of approving of their behavior." but the more I've
thought on it over the years, the more I've realized that it's closer to "Your personality
and character tend to reflect those around you, so if you hang around lazy people all the
time, it will generally pull your own disposition in that direction. We are products of
our environment: Garbage in, garbage out." Peer pressure can have a very real, strong
influence, regardless of whether it's direct or implied, and is especially potent when you
all live on the same campus. If you don't have positive peer pressure to balance the
negative by pulling in the other direction, it's harder to be confident in your decisions.

(Now that I think about it, I've always been super selective about my friends, mostly
because I'm both shy and introverted, making it hard to build up the courage to make new
friends, and just as hard to keep up with the demands of so many friendships; I think this
has had the above effect on me by coincidence, rather than by design. Since I'm so
selective, most of the bad influences tend to get naturally filtered out in favor of
positive ones, not necessarily because I wouldn't be friends with those people, but
because I prioritize the ones I respect more and they tend to become by closer friends.)

Why is it that every post I write ends up being so long and rambly? ... Oy...

Jackie Milton (03/13/2018 10:32pm):
God damn. How many words can you fit on a page lol? But good stuff, you more eloquent an mature than I, so
it's not like I don't mind reading your essays.

Xmo5 (03/14/2018 09:37am):
Hey, to my credit, my lines seem to be a good bit more narrow than yours, so it's probably
not *that* much more... but yeah I do have a problem [mumble mumble mumble]...

Also, eloquence is in the eye of the beholder... I always feel like I'm reusing wording
too frequently and I tend to be self conscious about it. Repetitive phrasing is one of my
pet peeves, but I have a hard time not falling into that trap myself. ([mumble mumble]
It's especially difficult to keep your phrasing varied throughout an entire novel of a
post [mumble mumble]...)

Xmo5 (03/14/2018 10:29am):
Wrote this months ago while traveling (and I think I sent it to you on Discord), but I
finally revisited it and gave it a few tweaks, mostly for flow. I also just posted
elsewhere on AWBW, but I think it belongs here too:

Sunlight
A waking of the Earth
The night was long
But cold has gone
Conceding to rebirth

A tremble
Soil slowly brushed aside
Dew glistens and gleams
On the sprout young and green
Peering out, greeting sky

Embarking now
Small and fragile at first
The sprout's confidence rises
In this world of surprises
It forges ahead with insatiable thirst

Growing, stretching ever higher
Aiming for the warm, rich sun
Reaching, grasping for the fire
Looking forward, pressing on

Sprout to stalk then stalk to flower
With greenest leaves of solar power
Ever craving, striving ahead
Imagining worlds beyond the flowerbed

At last the dreaming meets fruition
A full blossom of magnificent gold
A product of warmth and intuition
Then SNAP like a thunderclap
Unexpectedly returns the cold

Petals shrivel
Falling one by one
Leaves whither
Pleading for the sun

Her roots go deep
Clinging desperately to ground
But what life is there to keep
When gold has turned a wilted brown?

Sunlight
A waking of the Earth
April's frost has gone
But the damage is done
The flower's heart was hurt

A tremble
Soil slowly brushed aside
Dew glistens and gleams
On a sprout young and green
Peering out, greeting sky

A small seed carried by the storm
Pokes up its fragile head
Brown flower's golden heart glowed warm
Her seed escaped the flowerbed

Xmo5 (04/30/2018 11:54pm):
I was going to write out some lyrics from this, but I can't. It just doesn't do it justice. This song just has such a powerful crescendo.
Probably one of their best known songs, but man it packs a punch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIYfzcNXBD0

Also, partial lyrics from two other songs off that album:

--------------------

It's 4:30 am on a Tuesday
It doesn't get much worse than this
In beds in little rooms in buildings
in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless

So help me stay awake, I'm falling

Sleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
I want to get me a little oblivion, baby
I'm trynna keep myself away from myself and me

Well I got bones beneath my skin, mister
There's a skeleton in every man's house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hang on everybody
There's a dead man trying to get out

So please help me stay awake, I'm falling

-------------------------------

These train conversations keep passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for but I just had no
Intention of living this way

[...]

And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

There's things I remember, and things I forget
I miss you, I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

-----------------------------

Not sure why, but these songs just have some special way of hitting home with me every time.

Nyvelion (05/24/2018 04:36pm | Edited: 05/16/2020 07:46am):
-

Jackie Milton (05/24/2018 08:16pm | Edited: 05/24/2018 10:14pm):
Aw man, now I have to analyze James's poetry before I can justify writing anything else! (Sorry
James, I've meant to give that a good look for a while. Summer officially starts tomorrow for me, so
I should be more available...)

Don't worry about time. If you do skim back through these messages, there are things I've written
vaguely in your direction. I invite you to address any of my comments (or poems) no matter how
far back they are.

And if it's not *your* space anymore, then it is certainly ours.

Jackie Milton (05/29/2018 01:37pm):
Thanks for sharing your poem, James. I like your repetition of stanzas and some really good rhymes. I should
have gotten around to this earlier... but here we are haha. I like your metaphor, and I want to pick at it a bit. You
start with a rebirth after a traumatic winter. Since it's in a flower bed, one would expect it to be a safe place to
be, and somewhat cared for. Since winter occurs annually it is clear there is a cycle of wilt and rebirth. The
issue then, has to do with place and not the trauma itself (winter isn't going anywhere, I guess not if
republicans have anything to say about it...... anyhow, winter as a symbol is constant). So a place that should
be safe is at first surprising and useful, but wears out soon. Then returning to this flowered year after year has
bursts of refreshment but always descends back to its beginning. So the want is to leave the flower bed
seeking another place to flourish even though there will always be winter. So the flower leaves its previous
corpses in that flower bed, but now sprouts somewhere new.

Is this framing alright? Or did you intend something else (although technically speaking shouldn't matter :P) I
think it's fitting here in the comments of a map on awbw, a place of anniversaries where Jacqueline might be
gone again, but was here so long. (I really hope that first part isn't the case. I was in tears when I saw her
back. I'm not ready for that emptiness again, not so soon. But maybe I have to be...).

Some critique. When you write "her seed," I can't separate that from literal offspring, which maybe is your
intent, but said seed with know and face the winter regardless. Maybe this requires a reframing of the
metaphor shifting to the classic "life is a year" and a parent only wants their legacy (not necessarily offspring
we'll say) to experience a life away from the generational stagnation in safety and simplicity. This is a much
more optimistic reading, which maybe is what your were getting at. It is also true that with my first reading the
flower cannot exist simultaneously in the garden and outside it. (Or can it?)

I'm not a particularly big fan of the "thunderclap" line. Seems a little out of place. Maybe some rearrangement
of phrasing would help. I would also change "when gold has turned a wilted brown?" To "when gold has wilted
brown" I think this makes the 2 lines a lot punchier. I really like these a lot prolly my favorite here, but I think
that last one is unnecessarily clumsy with the extra syllables.

Xmo5 (05/30/2018 02:44pm):
Good thoughts, thanks for the critique.

Yeah I was imagining that winter/spring represented death/rebirth on a larger scale, such
that each will have their time to live and die. A life, in this case, would be analogous
to a cycle of the seasons ("life is a year", as you say) and the sudden cold snap is meant
to be a sort of premature brush with death that results in despair and hopelessness. I
sort of intended the poem to gradually pick up momentum as it progresses until you hit the
thunderclap line, which is meant to be disruptive and sudden, signaling an unexpected
shift in tone. After that it's much more somber and slow, at least the way I imagine it
read, eventually ending on a more positive note. One thing I think I could improve on is
the flow of the first half of the thunderclap stanza to make it flow smoother and quicker
so the contrast is more striking. I think the previous stanza flowed a lot nicer and had
more momentum.

Anyway, I do agree that there's a bit of a mixed metaphor thing going on, but what I was
aiming for was that the flower is hopeful and dreams of bigger things, escaping the
flowerbed they're constrained in. At the end, the seed (the flower's offspring or legacy,
whichever interpretation you prefer, though I wrote it as the former) manages to both
serve as the silver lining to the devastation of the storm and also a means of the
original flower being either proud or living vicariously through the fact that the seed
was able to live out their dream of escaping the flowerbed (or breaking the mold, etc.)

I'm not sure of a good way to go about fixing that, since I feel that both metaphors are
important to what I was trying to convey. I think I like your suggestion about the
gold-to-brown line, though I'll probably modify it to fit the rhythm a little better.
Maybe "When shining gold has wilted brown". I'll have to think on it some more to decide
how to incorporate other parts of your advice. Thanks for being a lot more constructive
than I'm ever capable of doing to you haha

Jackie Milton (07/03/2018 04:39am):
Time for my monthly journal. Summer has been good so far. I had a counselor for most of my last ac year, he was a student so I'll
have to get a new one next fall. Definitely grateful it's free, and just two floors below my room. Plus my last guy was really good. I
got one towards the end of plebe year, but she kinda made me uncomfortable -- too much forced discussion about suicide because I
mentioned it, plus her eyes were always bugged out at me, lol. But yeah, my last guy was good, I usually feel a bit safer with women
but he had a good environment and facilitated a lot of good discussions. Mostly about me and my dad, and about this stuff too.
We've done some back and forth via letters, which has been good for me solidify my thoughts and concerns with him.

I spent a month with the marines, and now I'm getting a week in each of the big communities. even though last week was all
questions and panels, I'm pretty sure I want to be on a ship. And holy shit do I want command. Who wouldn't want to be captain of a
ship? That said, I did enjoy my time spent with the marines, lot of motivated people, doing a lot of cool stuff especially in the infantry,
as romantic as the grunt life seems, that wouldn't be me as an officer, and I doubt I could make it for infantry. I had enough anxiety
climbing up the Jacob's ladder on the destroyer, and going to fly up in prop on Friday. I'm not exactly cut out for the intense physical
demands but maybe I could get used to it. The other thing rattling around in my head is the ethics of what I'm doing. A recent
conversation with another close friend of mine really got me thinking about whether or not participating in the military is good. I think
I've settled on two main things, the first being that I want to do my best as a good leader in the armed forces and a big piece of that
is what I already do with the SAPR program: If not me, then who? Two, is an acknowledgement that the American military is not a
force of good, but necessary evil, we have had some useless wars and doubtless imperialistic tendency. The flipside is the very
realistic global threat of terror groups that not only hurt us and our allies, but everyone in the Middle East as well, and if we weren't
occupying these parts of the world, then it would be Russia and China who each have a history of rather questionable policy, I would
say much more than ours. It's not easy, it's not clean, and there are really no winners, but I am confident in my commitment to be
the best leader I can and fight (in the greater poetic sense, the literal being only secondary) for those I love.

On that note, I don't think I've done so well. Maybe I can't quantify that. I'm still a kid, still immature. Here I am listening to
depressive black metal to set the right mood, and I should be sleeping for tomorrow. I think it's also appropriate to mention that I
have a few comments on an old unpublished map of Jacqueline's. Mostly concern's I have about myself being here... I wrote a
poem this semester. It didn't exactly win the competition, but it was in 2nd or 3rd place. I'm equal parts glad and disgusted that it did
so well. It really confirms it, because it's about how I couldn't have written it if I never saw this map, and the fact that suffering here
has motivated so much of what I write. James, it's in the Labyrinth issue I gave you, but I'll put it here anyhow. This is me, The
Alchemist: shoddy pseudoscience turning lead into gold. (gold enough for academics to recognize it anyhow)

Alchemist

Tempered glass glows hot
As flames reach toward
Semper fast-closed knots.
Tubes spin a clustered spiral
Swirling substance through
Everlasting cyclic style.
Blurred pink, plum and blue
Liquid streams ready to burst
Beyond and vapor.
The heat further stresses
Second-hand glassware.
Pressures that squeeze elsewhere first
Too have life-charged potential.
A flailed broadsword,
You slash my heart open while
I gaze; I draw some to a
Vial

When bringing for dis-
ection tubes clasped between
My fingers,
One slips.
My terror-swamped eyes
Follow the tumble, burst, and crimson splash
As if I had torn
The wound back open.
Frantic, I rack the two containers and break
To save the blood with hasty swabs.
My finger slices;
What is yours and mine.
Wringing these
And drops of tears
And chyme.
Into the beaker, I linger, pause, then prepare the cast to
Metal:

The mixture ferments quick
And smells wit-rich and pure.
Then swirled so swift to thick,
My pour attempts to cure.
The cold alembic sphere
Receives an embered plate
Releasing early tears
That soon evaporate.
The rest just boils. Until
The bubbles cease, it screams
Aloud a fairness, fills
The air, and teems with pain.
This pristine batch (remains
I could not fit were spilt)
May rival richer veins
Trimmed with frills and
Gilted

Alas, it takes so much
But cannot give enough--
Precious stones, elixir
Or ink to quill this fear--
To reek of death, yet taste
Of life -- Refined to take
Aesthetic, seminal
Designs alchemical --
Impure violation!
Sacrificial fusion
Distorts expression with
A mouthless victim. If
Ornate human torture
Is all I’ve made to share,
Hallowed graves thus crofted
Destine me a false
Profit.

Xmo5 (07/31/2018 01:10pm):
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you an update from my world.
Unfortunately, I really don't have the time to do this justice, but it's all the time I
really have. I'm hoping it comes off as organized and clear, rather than an incoherent,
rambling mess, but no promises on that front.

Okay, so we'll start slow. First, work has been pretty busy lately with a number of high
priority, high visibility projects coming through me (at least in part) and it's been
difficult to keep myself organized and on top of things. Partly it's my fault because
organization has always been one of my shortcomings and I can get overwhelmed with a heavy
workload, but it's also just been more than I can keep up with. I haven't really been
working late or anything, but it's still been a lot of pressure. The positive side of this
is that I'm discovering that one of the more niche areas I work in (acoustics/sound
absorption) is really interesting and it's been suddenly gaining a lot of traction at the
corporate level. Our owner has specifically tasked people with pursuing some customers in
this area and so I'll (almost certainly) be going to Europe in a few weeks with my boss's
boss to meet with a major tire manufacturer we currently supply about acoustic foams for
the inside of tires, along with the development work we've invested into this area
recently. We may meet with another big manufacturer too for the same reason, except we
don't currently supply them. Anyway, it's really exciting for me, but also really hectic
as it's competing for my time with a handful of other big, important projects.

To make matters a bit more complicated, the coworker I work the most with (the lab tech
who does and coordinates most of my testing) is in danger of being fired for chronic
attendance issues. We get along great, but she's really hard to motivate because she went
to school for CAD drawing and design work, and that only makes up a small portion of her
work (I'm not involved in any of her CAD projects). She also has serious home-life issues,
mostly stemming from her husband and stepdaughter(s). Her one stepdaughter is extremely
autistic and needs 24/7 care, including help bathing, using the bathroom, etc. and all of
that work tends to fall on my coworker, not her husband, partially because he wants to
avoid any perception of sexual abuse (scary that this is a real concern these days) and
partly because he's a lazy, narcissistic, manipulative dickhead who does whatever he can
to make life easier for him. He's extremely good at manipulating her, verbally abusing
her, and keeping her under his thumb, she she does just about all of the cooking,
cleaning, and other housework. They also have separate finances and he makes a lot more
money than her, but sticks her with half of the bills for the most part, so she doesn't
have the financial freedom to decide to leave; she's always living paycheck to paycheck.
Recently, it's been really bad and she's hitting her breaking point as everything comes to
a head. She's afraid of losing her job but she hates it, she's afraid to leave her husband
but she's ready for divorce, and she's being driving into a depression (verging on
suicidal) by taking care of the stepdaughter but she's concerned for her well being
because her husband won't do as good of a job and they just fought for the last 2 years to
gain full custody since her biological mother (the husband's ex-wife) is a complete nut
job who spent the last decade or so verbally abusing the two girls (doing such things as
convincing the daughters that their dad never gave them gifts while she just gave the
gifts as her own, convincing them that their dad hated them and never wanted them around,
and coaching the non-autistic one into faking suicidal tendencies and even spoonfeeding
example suicide attempts she could claim she'd considered). She's seeking help right now,
but she just got her final written warning yesterday which means that basically one more
toe out of line and she's out the door. She has her first appointment scheduled with a
psychiatrist on Friday, which should be covered under FMLA if she files the appropriate
paperwork, but now she's afraid to do that too. Meanwhile, her she was out all last week
in Florida visiting her uncle who was on his deathbed (at home because he can't afford
medical services) and he just died this morning. Moral of the story is that just
everything is bad about this. It's bad for my coworker in a thousand and one ways and it's
bad for me and my other coworkers because she's never here and her work hardly gets done.
Her relationship with our boss is tense at best and losing her job could take away
whatever limited financial freedom she has to get away from her husband (which she's tried
doing twice, before having a mental breakdown and almost being committed the second time).
I struggle with this one so hard because I've been building resentment towards her for
abusing the system and staying home "sick" every chance she gets (burning through all sick
and vacation time each year by June and continuing along the same pattern for the rest of
the year with unpaid time, which isn't kosher), but at the same time I'm really
sympathetic to her situation and I want her to get the help and support she needs. Maybe
firing her will help her realize what's happening, but more than likely it'll just make
her more bitter and push her deeper down into the hole. She's also not the kind of person
I would want to provide financial resources to or give access to my house because her
morals can sometimes be a bit shaky. Anyway, it's an ongoing thing which costs me both
work time and energy in picking up her slack, but also mental energy (and again, time) as
I help her work through this situation and give her advice.

Moving on, recently one of our dogs got out of my parent's invisible fence while we were
visiting and terrorized a neighbor and their dog. My mom was watching the dogs alone so
they didn't respond as well to her as they would to us and, while there was no injury or
bloodshed, the neighbor and dog were a bit shaken up. After a lot of discussion on how to
keep this from happening again, we decided to do a more involved "boot camp" style
training. We went with this one place that has a 4 week program with one training session
per week. Training collar and program combined it's costing us nearly $1000, but the worst
part is that it has homework. Every day we need to devote 2 hours worth of training
(divided up in a few categories) and that's super exhausting during the week especially.
She's learning fine, but it's just one more straw on the camel's back.

Then, because we're gluttons for punishment, we started considering moving. No real reason
apart from us just generally keeping an eye on the market and houses in the area and
decided maybe it was worth looking a bit more in depth. Fast forward a few weeks and we've
met with a real estate agent (who's awesome, by the way) several times, visited a few
potential houses, and had him over our house to give us a laundry list of things to do
before putting our house up for sale. Just meeting him at these houses has probably
consumed ~10 hrs a week and now we're starting on doing all of these things on the house
which will probably to many hours and a few thousand dollars worth of work when it's all
said and done. We just met with a bank to get preapproved for our mortgage last night at
like 7pm (after our 3rd dog training session at 430 that same day) and we didn't get home
until almost 10. Combine this kind of schedule with all the rain and it's been nearly
impossible to do any yardwork, of which we have plenty to do just to improve curb appeal.
More money, more time, and a heck of a lot of effort.

Then, turns out that my wife's grandfather is in the hospital with some sort of lesion in
his intestine that's bleeding, plus he's on blood thinners which makes it worse. They're
undergoing surgery to chemically cauterize the wound but he's not one for hospitals and
hasn't been enjoying the experience. Naturally, we find out about this a day or two into
the process. Meanwhile, we found out like a week late that my wife's grandmother (the
other side of her family) came down with pneumonia and was out of work all last week
(she's all go-go-go, so that *says* something) and is still on the upswing. She seems to
be recovering just fine, thankfully, but more stress and we didn't find out about it until
later, of course.

Lastly, the big one.... Probably my best friend in the area is one of my coworkers and
she's been steadily spiraling into depression for a multitude of reasons that I don't have
the time to get into now. Anyway, it started getting bad recently and she had a sudden
suicidal experience where she knew she didn't want to die, but felt like she couldn't
control herself. Those of use that know her best started doing whatever we could to help
support her and encouraging her to seek help, which she did, but things haven't really
improved much. While she only gets these waves every once in a while, her daily life has
been profoundly impacted because of her depression. She's not motivated to do anything,
she's having a hard time getting into work, and she can hardly sleep. Most nights she
doesn't get to sleep until the early hours of the morning, despite her best efforts. Her
medication was screwing her up even more and so they switched meds, which seemed to help,
but not a lot and she's still struggling to just maintain. Her sister lives with her but
hasn't been much help at all, if you ask me, and I've been helping her and spending time
with her left and right. She was over our house a couple of weekends ago and we were up
until almost 4 am, we've gone to visit her at like 9 pm on weeknights to help bring her
back down from an episode or to take her bottle of pills, and this past Friday I was with
her for probably 8 hours straight after work to help keep her company and accomplish some
things from her to-do list. She's really concerned about work, especially seeing what's
happening with our other coworker I mentioned, but her boss has been supportive and
understanding. She's also going back to school for a degree in psychology and is planning
to quit and go off to grad school once she finishes undergrad (next semester) and
concerned just as much for what her future could look like. She's just in a very bad place
right now and nothing seems to be helping, though I'm pretty sure that most people in her
life (including her therapist and doctor) are doing the best and most that they can.

Anyway, I've been writing this for almost an hour now so I need to get back to work, but
the moral of the story is that I'm being stretched pretty thin, both physically and
emotionally. I mean, I'm holding together just fine, but it's just exhausting and I only
hope that I can breathe a little bit at the end of the month. We only have 1 free weekend
in August which will likely be consumed by house projects, but thankfully the last week
and weekend of the month are consumed by a much-needed vacation with my family. Who knows
whether we'll be selling our house at that point or what will be happening, but it's the
light at the end of the tunnel for me right now.

Whew.

...And now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Xmo5 (07/31/2018 01:22pm):
Yikes... ignore the copious topys and clumsy wording... Definitely much more incoherent
and rambling than I had hoped.

Jackie Milton (08/01/2018 09:31pm):
Whew.... Now I'm stressed, haha....
You really have a lot on your plate, but thanks for taking the time to share that here. Not a reply to
my angst for once, but that's not really what this place is for, is it.

With you coworker, that's just so sticky. On the one hand her home issues aren't really your
problem, but on the other, those issues bleed into your workflow, and you have a professional
responsibility(accountability?) to her presence (physically and mentally). But on another hand,
she's a human who's suffering at the hands of really one person in particular. And like you said,
you're already streched so thin right now, you don't physically have physical or emotional
availability to really help her. And that's under the assumption that you're infinitely charitable... and
who is? That's really tough, especially with the actual abuse woven throughout her story. For me, I
feel that if I were to look the other way, I would be part of the problem, and I'm guessing you feel
similar. If I've learned anything from my SAPR training, it's that what you can do is severely limited,
because you are just one person: the key is knowing what resources, with professionals whose job
it is to 1) actually know what to do and 2) be available. I found this. It's not a lot, btu there's a lot on
the site, and hotlines and all that. http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-someone-else/help-a-coworker/

I know that your role in all of this is hazy at best, but maybe this could be useful if you are able to
find an appropriate time to bring it up... or call yourself for that matter, if you deem it necessary of
course. I know this is a place to vent, and not really a problem-solving place, and I am definitely
not qualified. but maybe it could help you and everyone.

I'll continue replying later, but just going to leave this one for now.

Xmo5 (08/02/2018 02:29pm):
Okay, random interjection, but I wasn't sure where else to put this, mostly because of the
problems I'm about to discuss. I apologize for anyone listening in who has differing
opinions on the matter, but hopefully we can at least agree on some of the basics here.

U.S. politics are really started to concern me. I mean, I was deeply concerned when Trump
got elected and I could talk all day about his flippant approach to legal matters,
international relations, and half a dozen other things, but that's not what concerns me
the most. What concerns me the most is the partisan polarization of which I believe Trump
to be both a symptom and a source. Don't get me wrong, I do worry about the direction the
country is headed and the potential long-term impact of his term(s) in office and I
absolutely worry about his impact on the integrity of facts, values, and neutrality, but
I'm more worried that this is all just the blemish on the surface and that the issue is
more deep rooted than that.

Ironically, it's been Trump's persistent penchant for duplicity that started motivating me
to investigate conservative viewpoints. With all of this back and forth about whose facts
are right, I've been doing a lot more digging into what's real and what's not and
attempting to better understand the Republican stance and arguments on issues from taxes
to gun control. I'm certainly not as well read as many, but I've been trying. The part
that concerns me is when I watch a video or read an article that I felt to be a good,
expansive, thought-proviking discussion of heated topic I almost always find a hostile
comments section below. Now, I know that youtube comments aren't exactly the pinnacle of
civil discourse but, regardless of source or medium, it's consistently an ad-hominem
circle jerk about how corrupt, evil, or ignorant the other side is, and it tells me two
things:

1) Not many people are going out of their way to read or listen to sources reporting from
an opposing or neutral/all-encompasing viewpoint (or not commenting if they do... for
example, I don't comment)

2) Both sides demonize the other for whatever the flavor of the week is, including
demonizing the other side for demonizing them.

My real life experiences have been a mixed bag but, for someone who's never had issues
with discussing my political beliefs openly, I find myself afraid to anymore because of
how I feel the associated label would instantly override years of personal experience
interacting with me in a mutually respectful and positive way. To someone I've known or
worked with for 5 years, I could easily drop from "Great guy with a good head on his
shoulders. You can always depend on him" to "Libtard commie who isn't too bad when you get
to know him" if it turns out we have differing political stances. I hate that. I hate the
fact that dissent doesn't result in a rational discussion, but instead ends in
stigmatization, anger, and a tense or awkward future relationship.

Now, while I want to be clear that this happens on both sides, in my (biased) opinion it
happens much more on the right than it does on the left. I also want to be clear that I
don't blame conservatives for this either (and I hate the fact that "conservatives" comes
off like an insult if you're not careful). I think one of the main culprits is Fox News.
First, it certainly seems to have a strong loyalty to the Republican party and everything
else comes second, including accurate reporting. Second, it does a good job presenting
itself as if it were a more legitimate than it is, thereby drawing in a lot of viewers
that assume (or assert) that what they're being told is fact. They also do a good job
weaving stories that sound compelling and interesting even if there's little basis for
them, and then presenting them as facts on which they can base additional narratives.
While I'm sure there is some news in there, most of the clips and interviews I've watched
are blatantly skewed and present little in the way of facts while spending a lot of effort
to convince viewers that other mainstream media reports are wrong. From my experience,
mainstream liberal media generally tends to at least report more in the way of facts and
information before digesting for you it and providing analysis (which is biased). Much of
the mainstream media seems to have little bias at all. Meanwhile, Trump also does a good
job discrediting neutral or mostly neutral reporters by waving his hands and saying "pics
or it didn't happen" despite the fact that there was documented evidence for the report to
begin with.

Anyway, I'm just fearful of where this dynamic leaves us as a country, even after Trump
leaves office, especially if there are incriminating findings sufficient to remove him
prematurely. So many people just seems to get their own set of facts and believe in them
like the gospel and immediately dismiss or lambast anyone who feels they are mistaken. If
Republicans only care about toting AR15s to Chuck E Cheese and smugly looking morally
superior and Democrats exist for the sole purpose of turning our country into Venezuela
with their socialist policies, nobody can have a meaningful discussion because everybody's
stance is hinged on false perception or disingenuous caricature. If nobody can have a
meaningful discussion across the aisle, how can there be compromise or respect? How do we
keep people from forming echo chambers or furthering the divide? How do we break this
habit of putting political party first and people second? I don't have answers, but I do
have concerns...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as a final note: I'm definitely generalizing here if that wasn't obvious. There are
plenty of people I know who are willing to disagree in a civil manner and enjoy talking
things over to find common ground and help understand why it is our opinions differ. Some
of these people agree with me on most things and others are closer to half or less, but I
don't know that I've ever been able to hold a rational debate with someone who disagrees
with me at a fundamental level on multiple topics because they're usually too busy
interrupting me to go on some vitriolic rant for me to entertain any further discussion.
I'm the first to say that interpersonal relations shouldn't be negatively impacted because
of differing political beliefs, but there's a difference between strongly disagreeing with
me and treating me disrespectfully because we disagree and I have no time for people like
that. As a result, while I find many people in my life with whom I can have rich political
discussion, I think this is as much a commentary on the types of people I gravitate
towards than it is anything else. I keep a small number of close friends that are kind,
genuine, and easy to get along with and that's why this works for me. I only wish it
didn't feel like we were the anomaly...

Xmo5 (08/17/2018 09:37am):
Interesting video here. It's basically a compilation of various talks by Jordan Peterson
revolving around motivation and success put over some cheesy music and stock footage, but
it provides an interesting perspective on some things about wasting time and being
effective and efficient. I'm normally not really a fan of motivational stuff, but I feel
like this wasn't as bad as most of what I've seen. I mean, some of the stuff was pretty
boring and generic to me and there was some overlap between a couple parts, but I think
the nuggets I pulled from it were worth the (long) watch. Anyway, I recommend watching or
skimming if you get the chance and have the interest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsNzAuYDgy0

Xmo5 (09/24/2018 01:26pm):
As I'm sure you're aware, the last couple of months have been hectic for me. So hectic, in
fact, that I struggle to remember all that's happened and all that we've accomplished in
that time, and so I wanted to make something of a journal entry describing the timeline as
best as I can remember, lest I forget. Apologies, but this will be a long post.

Or journey begins sometime in July, when my XX and I were struck with a casual interest in
the houses on the market in our price range. It sort of came up from time to time since we
knew our current house wasn't meant to be our home long term and we figured we may as well
keep our eyes open in case something nice came our way. In this particular instance, we
happened to see something we liked and requested a showing. Turned out that house wasn't
for us, but the agent was really great, so we let him show us a few more houses. We really
liked the one and so we made a lowball offer, which they countered, to which we counter
countered with a semi-lowball offer and they accepted. Cue pandemonium:

This finds us at the first week of August, maybe the 2nd, realizing that we just had an
offer accepted on our house and that we had to get our own house ready to list ASAP. As
we're staring down the monstrous list of tasks before us, my wife learns that the
following week she would be going on her first business trip, leaving Sunday the 5th and
returning Friday the 10th. Meanwhile, we were up visiting family on the weekend of the 5th
for her father's birthday, so home improvement was put on hold for a weekend. I spent that
week, along with some help from the friend/coworker I mentioned before, doing a lot of
general curb-appeal improvements. This had already been started when we were considering
making a serious offer, but there was a long way to go. This primarily consisted of
pressure washing everything and raking up way more leaves than I thought I had. When XX
got back from her trip on Friday, we had to rush out the door Saturday for an overnight at
the aquarium event we'd planned months prior. It was a lot of fun, but it chewed up most
of Saturday and a good bit of Sunday since it was a couple hours away.

After we got back Sunday the 12th, we then proceeded to spend every day going to work in
the morning, coming home, throwing food down our throats and then staying up until
midnight or later every night to get as much done as possible because, surprise, I found
out that I would be going to Europe the following week. We had a lot to do and we wanted
to have the house ready to list when I returned from Europe, since we would be leaving for
vacation the very next day and it would be a perfect time to have people come see the
house, etc. Since that would leave my wife alone to wrap things up, we really had to
finish as much as we could that week. Her parents came to visit on that weekend and we
worked 14 hours on Saturday (with help from friends too) and another 5 before they left
Sunday around lunch time (then another 11 after they left). I flew out Monday morning and
spent the week in Europe while my wife somehow managed to finish up most of the projects
we hadn't done, moved a bunch of stuff to storage, and coordinated the contractor work we
were having done. I got home on Friday, and stayed up until about 1 that night doing a
bunch of finishing touches... which carried over into the morning where we started doing
last minute cleaning and tidying up. We listed the house that morning because we were
leaving for vacation, but we got a showing request for about 3 pm, before we were ready to
leave. We threw a bunch of stuff in the attic, thew some stuff in suitcases, grabbed our
stuff, and left for vacation. 3 days later we had one offer and one pending offer (that
was reconsidering the offer price knowing we already had one in). The next morning, both
parties came in with their best offers, and the one who we hadn't seen numbers from yet
was much better, so we accepted. Bam.

That was nice and what we thought to be the end of the roller coaster.... until the drive
home from vacation. That's when my boss's boss, the one I went to Europe with, sends me a
text to say that we're probably going again in a week! We get home, finish up the projects
that were only partly done .... and then learn that the master shower (which we'd never
used) had a leak in one of the faucets. Knowing the inspection on our house was coming up
on Tuesday, we had an emergency plumber come out and fix the problem, and it required a
second visit because they needed a part they couldn't get over the weekend. The inspection
came back with a laundry list of items they were requesting to have fixed, and we quick
met with our loan officer to do all of the official paperwork etc. now that we had an
offer since, well, I was going to be gone the next week. We made an appointment for the
same day at like 6 pm, and left there around 8 and then went home to look at some of the
items they wanted addressed. We came to an agreement about what we thought we could do,
sent back our proposal and it was accepted. Meanwhile, my flight left for Europe again at
noon on Sunday and returned at 5 the next Saturday and my wife worked on coordinating a
lot of the documents and paperwork we had to sign while I was out of touch. A lot of stuff
for the new house, mostly, including the inspection and what we wanted to have addressed
from that. After I got home, we fixed a leaky spigot, patched some drywall in the garage
ceiling, fixed the downstairs sink drain (that we're convinced the inspector broke), fixed
a crossthreaded kitchen sink drain that "leaked" (it never leaked for us), and had a
contractor do some minor electrical and plumbing work they wouldn't let us do ourselves.
Unfortunately, I came home just in time for my work life to blow up again, because it was
our monthly tech meetings week which fully consumes my Monday and most of my Tuesday, plus
we had an extra meeting on Monday and I had a lot of catch-up work to do... right before I
left on Wednesday for another work trip.

Now, we're working on getting utilities transferred over, final approval on our loan, and
closing. We close on the current house later this week, then we're on vacation with my
in-laws Friday-Sunday (we're signing the documents early since we won't be around on
Friday when we're supposed to close) and then rent back the property until the following
week when we close on Thursday the 4th, just in time for us to leave for a wedding in
Baltimore on Friday the 5th, and come back on the morning of the 6th to meet the in-laws
and friends for moving day. *Hopefully* things will settle down a bit in October on the
personal life front, though I know we have plans for every weekend through the first
weekend in November except one, we'll have to unpack and get situated quickly (we're
having my wife's maid of honor and her bf come to visit the weekend after we move! We
planned that before we were considering buying a house... oops), and I have yet another
work trip that will fall in October sometime.

Timeline-

July: House searching and mortgage pre-approval
August 1-5: Make an offer on the house, start some minor house work, visit family
August 6:12: Wife travels weekdays, serious work starts (see list* below), aquarium Sat-Sun
August 13-19: Very high intensity work, most items from list accomplished
August 20-26: I travel weekdays, work on list wraps up, house is listed, leave for vacation
August 26-31: Much needed vacation in the middle of nowhere and we sell house
Sept 1-3: Long weekend wrapping up unfinished items and discovering new ones
Sept 4-9: Official mortgage application, inspection on current home, lots of paperwork
Sept 10-16: I travel Sun-Sat, lots more paperwork, some inspection repairs, packing starts
Sept 17-23: Swamped at work and I travel latter half of the week. Finish repairs, more packing
----------------
End of Sept - Close on current house, vacation over a long weekend
Beginning of Oct - Close on new house Thursday, Friday wedding, Saturday move
Rest of Oct - Quasi freedom?

______________________________________________

*List of work accomplished over 3 weeks, with one week of travel each:

-Rake/collect about 30 bags of leaves
-Pressure wash more surface area than I thought we had
-General presentation (mowed lawn, cleaned off patio furniture, etc.)
-Turn a pile of dirt next to the house (that was formerly a garden) into a 25 ft long
raised bed garden
-Finish a block wall running down the side of the property
-Rip out weeds and trim/remove bushes to make "gardens" into gardens
-Put in garden edging and about 45 bags of mulch
-Buy and spread 22 tons of stone for our gravel driveway
-Patch some cracks in our garage apron with hydraulic cement
-Repaint the railing up our front steps (~50 ft long)
-Paint and install new bi-fold closet doors in 3 bedrooms
-Cut, install, and paint baseboard and quarter round in living room
-Repaint a significant portion of the interior trim
-Repaint main and master bathroom
-Patch/paint hole in downstairs ceiling used to access tub drain for a previous project
-Throw out a bunch of stuff from the attic and our brush pile outside (rented a dumpster)
-Replaced toilet, vanity, mirror, shower drain/head, wall cabinet, light fixture, other
fixtures, and HVAC register in master bath
-Replaced shower head, light fixture, mirror, and wall cabinet in main bath
-Replaced most interior door handles
-Planted grass which has since drowned with all this rain and no sun :(
-Fill most of a 10' x 10' storage unit with junk from the house
-Contractor: Replaced floor in downstairs hall
-Contractor: Re-glazed main and master floor and tub/shower

Sorry for the long post... I just needed to document this somewhere, and I figured this
was as good a place as any.

Jackie Milton (10/07/2018 10:00am):
I swear I'm in the middle of writing an actual reply. I should really be journaling here more often though. I think
therapy has taken some of the main reason I post here, but here I at least have a written record. And
somewhere to get out my angst as I feel it. I don't even know if I'm getting anywhere. I'm starting to have a
more open dialogue with my dad, but after explaining things he's done that affect (and effect) me now, and that
I discuss our correspondence with my counselers, he just got real fuckin defensive and what I felt with control
and independence, now I just hate myself more. I've had a bad habit of putting things off (like this). I don't know
if that will change, because maybe I'm just no good. I guess I'm not that good at hiding my emotions either, so
here's to an influx of people suddenly interested in how I'm doing for suicide prevention month. Sorry to be a
negative Nancy, and speaking of "nancy" I've been having an insatiable urge to cross dress lately. Maybe I am
borked. Oh well.

Xmo5 (10/15/2018 02:39pm):
Okay, unfortunately it's time for another installment in the ongoing saga of my
friend/coworker's life and mental health. Let's call her Megan.

So when I last left off, Megan was really depressed and not recovering well, despite the
best efforts of her doctor and therapist. As previously discussed, I was really busy and
spent a lot of time away from home and the office for a few weeks and so I missed a lot
immediately following this part. During that time, my other coworker (let's call her
Francine) who was in an abusive relationship finally left her husband and ended up staying
with Megan and Megan's sister for a while. Megan was starting to do better finally, but
Francine was hard for her to put up with, even though Francine was doing a lot around the
house, knowing that she was imposing at a hard time. Ultimately, Francine got her own
place and started bouncing back pretty quickly and Megan was feeling better too so things
were looking up... enter me again.

Megan is happy and friendly and somewhat motivated again and has the full support of her
boss who knows what she's been going through... but the problem is that, although she
seems to be doing better, her attendance and at-work work ethic don't seem to reflect it
much. She's sort of become accustomed to the habit of getting out of work easily because
she didn't really need a solid excuse beyond "I'm really depressed" when she was really
depressed. (Side note: I think this is totally awesome, by the way, and kudos to her boss
for cutting her so much slack at such a hard time) From my perspective, it looks like
she's abusing it and I'm worried about her pushing it too far and incurring negative
consequences she can't cope with. Also, I'd started noticing that she was coming into work
high and smelling of pot virtually every day and then it started expanding to lunch too,
which definitely increases her potential risk factor. I hadn't had much time to talk to
her and we'd been scheduling lunch together for weeks to catch up and I thought I would
probe the topic with her then. A few days before, however, I learn that there is an active
campaign of people at work to bring disciplinary action down on her... People keeping tabs
on when she was around and when she was goofing off with other people and not doing
work... all of which was being kept in organized notes with the intent to bring to the
attention of people in positions of authority. Two people brought this to my attention,
Francine and another coworker who fully has Megan's back, and since I mentioned I was
going to talk to Megan about it already they decided it was best that they didn't mention
it too so we didn't overwhelm her.

The day before the lunch, I was in Francine's lab and Megan comes in super bubbly and
happy and proceeds to goof off in a way I didn't think was very professional (and would be
clear to any passersby) and it occurred to me how this would reflect on Francine if people
were keeping tabs on Megan. Francine had also started helping Megan a lot over lunches and
breaks and random errands because Megan still wasn't fully independent. Francine had
historically poor attendance and work ethic (I think I've complained about her before) but
I knew she was in a really tough situation and so I always tried to work with her and
giver her the benefit of the doubt. At any rate, she's been given a final written warning
so any small thing could leave her jobless and she'd just left her abusive husband and
fully dependent daughter-in-law and started pulling a full 180 at work. At that point I
sort of added Francine's well being to the mental agenda to talk about over lunch. As I
thought more and more about that incident (which was one of the first times I'd seen Megan
for longer than a brief exchange since my semi-extended absence), I started realizing that
it seemed more and more like mania. The next morning, unprovoked, Francine suggests that
Megan might actually be bipolar, not just depressed and that the anti-depressants just
amplified the mania and eliminated the depression. She looked up the NIMH list of symptoms
and Megan checked every box of the couple dozen they listed. Francine confronted Megan who
was excited to know that they'd figured out what was wrong with her together and was
relieved to be coming to the end of this process. Then I had lunch with her and we talked
for a while in my car before I gradually eased into mentioning that people with bad
intentions were starting to notice that she was missing work and that I was concerned for
her. Unsurprisingly, she didn't take it well but I was able to talk her down and make it
clear that I wasn't spreading or listening to rumors, but that people we trust had heard
it from people they trust and that we thought it was important that she knew. That didn't
go too well either and instead of focusing on the real threat to her job security, she was
focused on talking about how she doesn't care what other people think... all while her
face and emotions clearly indicated that she did. We reached an agreement of "I know you
don't care and I'm not telling you what to do, but I care and I wanted you to be aware of
what I thought to be a valid threat to your livelihood and well being."

Then I transitioned to Francine and mentioned that she didn't have a lot of leeway with
respect to attendance and that it would probably be better to look for help from someone
else she trusts, which I'd be willing to do as time permits, so that the great
improvements Francine was making wouldn't be overshadowed by her desire to help (which,
side note again, Francine was getting totally fed up with Megan being reliant on her, but
I didn't mention that). Megan immediately lashed back with something like "Don't talk to
me about Francine! I care WAY more about her than you ever have! We've been helping each
other out so much and I've been helping her with all the stuff she can't talk to you
about, so don't act like I'm bringing her down!" ... I think I was a deer in the
headlights for several seconds after that. I was simultaneously infuriated by the
insinuation that I didn't care about Francine when I'd been the one giving her advice and
the benefit of the doubt since the beginning and shocked by the irony of the fact that it
was coming from Megan who was actively (if unknowingly) abusing Francine's support and
putting her job at risk while I was busy advocating on Francine's behalf. I don't think
I've ever exercised more restraint in my life than I did in that moment, but ultimately I
told her that I couldn't disagree more with her statement but that whatever the case may
be, I was only having the conversation and braving the potential backlash I was expecting
because I cared about both of them and that I didn't want to see anything bad happen to
either of them. Despite all the rage that was directed at me during the conversation, we
sort of ended on that more positive note and got out of the car as friends. But...

It was clear from what Francine told me later that Megan was pretty mad at me and refused
to listen to what I had to say because I was listening to these fake, hurtful rumors being
spread about her. Somehow, the next morning, Megan was totally fine and bubbly again and
she came into Francine's lab and talked with us. She was the epitome of a manic episode
and was talking about the day before was the best day ever because [insert things that are
okay, but not impressive] and how our conversations are the funniest and we need to record
them and have a podcast because everyone would listen to it. She went into the break room
to grab food and came back not 2 minutes later to tell us she had "*THE* most amazing
conversation about colors with [Katy]!" As near as I can recount:

"I told Katy that my favorite colors were pinks and purples and she said hers was purple
too! But that if she could only live with one color in her life, it would be blue. I said
wow! Royal for me! And she said navy!"

Katy is another coworker who was close work associates with Megan and is one of the
nicest, most genuine and caring people you'll ever meet. Later that afternoon, Megan
suddenly bursts open the door to Francine's lab and, holding back tears of rage, says "You
just can't trust anyone. Katy too!" and storms off. We catch her later and we find out
Katy brought up the attendance thing independently, presumably because she had the same
concerns we had, but that's not how Megan told the story. It included excerpts like
"That's just the type of person Katy's always been, you know? Nice to your face, but you
never know what she'll say when you turn your back." It was becoming pretty clear at this
point that she was becoming detached from reality... whatever she was perceiving was being
filtered through some construct in her head that fully misinterpreted words, intentions,
and context. Maybe half an hour later she popped her head in, all happy and bubbly again,
to say something she thought was cool or interesting (which was fully ordinary in
actuality) and started to leave before asking "Am I manic?" Francine and I both said yes
which she sort of dismissed since she felt she was "just being my normal self again." to
which I responded with something akin to "Megan, I've known you really well for a long
time now and this is not your normal self." She looked up in blissful thought for a
moment, smiled, shrugged her shoulders and happily said "Okay, cya!' on her way out the door.

The next morning I got a text from her that basically said "Sure I may have bipolar, but
I'll let the professionals decide that. What you saw yesterday was not mania, but
strength, courage, struggle, purpose, focus, wisdom, productivity, faith, and vitality. I
learned how hurtful people can be to say things like that about you, etc." (all nouns
listed here were used in that context) There was some other self-motivational stuff in
there but it was obvious to me that there was a major discrepancy between her perception
of herself and her true mental and emotional state. I responded back with (verbatim):

"I know that you feel that way and I know it's not fun to hear that. However, one of the
problems with mania is that everything seems wonderful and perfect when it's not, which
makes it very hard to recognize when you're in the middle of it. The last thing I want to
do is make you upset, but I also want you to have honest input, even if it's uncomfortable
or angering. There is no doubt in my mind that your actions and demeanor yesterday (and
the previous several days) have been characterized by what I can only describe as mania. I
will let the professionals make their diagnosis, but as someone who knows you better than
most, I can't draw any other conclusions from what I am seeing. I will drop this for now
unless you ask my opinion or I feel that things are getting worse, but know that I care
and that I wouldn't be having this conversation if I didn't."

I never got a response. Francine spent a lot of time with her this weekend because she
went to Megan's uncle's wedding in PA with her and I think it took a major toll on
Francine. Megan was out of control almost the entire time and would go from being
extremely happy and off in her own world to hateful and mean, lashing out at anyone
nearby. Francine spend a lot of time in the car with Megan, being berated for petty things
and then it would suddenly switch to how great of friends they are and how their
conversations are the funniest and how they need to record their conversations and make a
podcast (it's a common theme). Megan reportedly would stop random strangers in Walmart and
ask them if they'd listen to a podcast Megan and Francine made because she seemed to think
everyone was listening in and enjoying their conversation. Now, Francine is pretty much
done with her and can't put up with it anymore (though she's really passive so I'm not
sure how it's going to go) and Megan's reverted to being convinced she doesn't have
bipolar disorder. Apparently, throughout the weekend she would randomly break the silence
with "I'm not bipolar! F**K James!" or something pretty close to that (even though
Francine was the one who had that conversation with her to begin with).

So now here I am with a friend I want desperately to help who's spiraling out of control
faster than you can say "F**k James" and I'm losing credibility rapidly for trying to be
honest. In many ways, I'm okay with that because I'd rather be the honest friend she hates
who's still there to have her back when she needs it, but in other ways, she needs someone
around in her daily life that she can rely on. I think it's pretty clear from this post
that this process has been stressful and frustrating and saddening for me, but the ironic
part is that I'm not really sad over losing the friendship. It seems counterintuitive
because I wouldn't have any of these feelings or follow through with any of these actions
if I didn't care a lot about Megan and our friendship, but I think that's exactly why it
doesn't bother me. I think I understand that I'm doing the best I can for her well being
and that the importance of our friendship is secondary to that, so I don't really regret
my decisions. I've also had tons of conversations with Francine and others who all seem to
reaffirm that I've been doing a good job (Francine even saying that I've been the rock in
Megan's life for the last 5 and a half years *embarrassed emoji*) to help verify that I'm
not just totally misconstruing the situation and stepping way out of line. There are also
a million other things with this story and the bizarre actions of Megan's mania are
seemingly endless and boundless, but I just can't fit it all into one post. This one is
massive enough as it is, and probably horribly rambling. At any rate, there's no need to
respond to anything specifically, I just needed a place to vent my frustration and worry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, on to you. I'm sorry to hear that your dad seems to have taken the defensive on this
one and that it strained your relationship. I wouldn't hold that against you though. From
your perspective, you're opening up yourself to him and being raw and honest about
something you're afraid to share, but from his perspective, he might just be hearing that
you say that you have problems and that it's because of mistakes he made while raising
you. After watching this whole thing with Megan unfold, I've learned a lot about how our
perspectives can taint even the simplest of things and it's scary to consider the impact
it might have in our daily lives. Anyway, it's completely possible that he only reacted
the way he did because he loves you and is proud of you and so by discussing faults of his
that impacted you negatively, the illusion of his masterpiece (you) is cracked and the
chance that he's to blame becomes real. It's probably saddening, embarrassing, and
humiliating for him in a lot of ways and that's not your fault for being the way you are
or for discussing that with him or anyone else. It's just how things turned out and I
think that giving him some time to reflect and process it will help, so long as you don't
distance yourself from him too much in the meantime. Nobody's perfect and we can't expect
them to be. All we can do is try our best- the rest is out of our control.

And you ain't borked, Nancy. Find a safe place and do what you want. If people don't like
that, screw 'em. You don't owe them anything. Maybe I should amend my previous statement:
"All we can do is try our best *and be ourselves*- the rest is out of our control."

Xmo5 (10/15/2018 10:33pm):
Oh man, and completely unrelated but I stumbled across One More Light by Linkin Park again. It's a pretty simple song, but still so powerful. I forgot how
much it always gets me choked up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vst1Z76gIY4

The worst part was that I watched this live performance which, outside of the horribly contrasting tone of Jimmy Kimmel's bookends, hits you right in the feels,
especially near the end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-6PCSZij3I

Ironically I was thinking lately "I wonder how vocalists perform sad or meaningful songs under circumstances like this without breaking." The answer is clearly
"they don't always..."

___________________________________________________

The reminders pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need

Oh and you're angry
And you should be
It's not fair
Just 'cause you can't see it
Doesn't mean it isn't there
If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers

Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker

Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do

Jackie Milton (10/15/2018 11:26pm):
Your novels are intimidating... I can't keep up! I'm convinced you a have much less time than I do, but I'm still incredibly busy! I'm
going to try to get shorter messages on here more frequently. Less daunting that way. Of course I'm still going to bed too late as I
have fornication patrol from 2-4 tonight... Another reason I don't post so much any more is that I've been attending counseling
regularly for about a year and a half now, and it's somewhat replaced what I used this place for earlier on: Since I can get my
thoughts out weekly, they don't need to overflow into here. There are positive and negative aspects, the plus side being that I'm
leaning on professionals and not my friends to solve my problems (not to discount how fundamental this place was and is for me -
- it comes up in therapy basically every time), and it's so consistent. On the down side, I feel like I've drifted a little bit from here,
from y'all. And two, I don't have as a good a log of my mental state as before. Especially with all the ups and downs lately.

On the note of "ups and downs," that is quite the roller coaster with your coworker. I think you're doing everything right with care
and respect. I'm really sorry to hear that there's animosity on the returning end, but there isn't really anything you can do about
that... It's better you try to help and confront the issue than having not done anything at all if fallout were inevitable. But you know
that obviously, especially with the support from your other coworker. I hope everything works out.

I do have a (somewhat) similar situation actually in that it's about confronting someone close with unpleasant information. So this
one goes pretty deep, with some warning signs that I regret not having done anything about until now, and the damage is already
done. So there's a guy in my company, "Mark," who is just a really weird guy; he seems to lack basic understanding of social
rules, and he *cannot* interact with women as his peers. In many ways, I resonate with a lot of his frustrations of not being good
enough, poor social function, and difficulty engaging in romantic interests with others. He may also have big anxieties of being a
virgin, but he's also so devoutly catholic that he would never admit to such a desire. Essentially, he has a lot of anxieties that he
doesn't confront, and they manifest (or compound) in unhealthy outlets: He double majors, and works out nonstop, devoting every
ounce of time to personal improvement, but consistently misses mandatory events and social gathering. This is not good on it's
own, but the big issue is that it's negatively affected others in ways I wish I could have prevented.

As stated before, he has problems with women. He can't talk to them without infantilizing them or himself (he'll do a baby voice
like the way he talks to his baby sister). He will wait for certain women after sports practice and won't stop when they tell him not
to. He has a problem with staring from afar that makes anyone uncomfortable. These are just a few examples. Well, it apparently
became serious enough that someone issued a restraining order against him and he spent restriction time on the grounds of
"stalking." I didn't catch any wind of this until a month or two after the fact. But with that said, I knew it was an issue, and he was
my roommate for a year, and not to mention I'm supposed to be the resource for sexual assault prevention and response... but I
don't know if anything I could have said would have changed anything....

Fast forward to now, a friend of a friend etc. says the despite the legal action, he's still maintaining similar behavior. A group of
my buddies wanted me to help in giving him an intervention, but that would have just been intimidating and fallen on deaf ears. I
saught for a better route and included my other roommate (with Mark) in the discussion. We talked and decided something
needed to be done on a peer level. We weren't certain of how to go about it, so we brought the issue to our battalion chaplain who
essentially confirmed that everything we discussed was appropriate and necessary in addressing the issue for the sake of Mark
and everyone he has or could hurt (intentionally or not).

Basically we worked it so that my roommate is checking in with him, putting everything on the table: "You know you're weird, let's
fix it." Moving to the point where Mark will be attending dinner regularly with my roommate and his girlfriend to tackle his social
discrepancies.

I hope this is enough. I don't want anyone to get hurt. Especially when my job is to help care for the people around me. I don't
know if I'm doing a good job. Hopefully not making things worse...

RE: Dad
Ye. I've considered most of the points you bring up. I know he cares about me more than anything. There's no question there. But
it's also obvious that there's things he's done that have had negative impacts on me, if not directly, exacerbating my anxieties and
driving me further down. I think I'm just bad at communicating. In therapy and in the letters, I talk about "between the lines." That
all comes back to here, where subtleties are lost through text. I think I've made a lot of mistakes in things I've written to Jacqueline
because I can't adequate express my thoughts and feelings, and as a result I've driven a wedge between me and those who I
hold most dear. The question of why I'm so intimidated by the prospects of romantic relationships came up today. I said that at
some level I felt unworthy of engaging in such things because I'm toxic, self-important, needy etc. Therapist says that my feelings
of unworthiness come from the idea that I'm unworthy, and this cyclical reasoning isn't valid. I couldn't come up with a legitimate
reason why I thought this, granted I was a little tired. But thinking on it now, I certainly feel responsible for all my other
relationships that have drifted, except maybe for my friend Austin back home. Logically, the most common thread among all my
personal losses has been me (no shit, right?). My dad said in the letter that I crave victimization. Maybe he's right, I cling to this
place because I feel my broken self here, but I can't seem to come up with any legitimate reason as to why I feel this way. Like I
could just stop, but I don't want to.

Good advice. Don't know who I am tho...

Xmo5 (10/16/2018 01:42pm):
Sorry about the novels.. you know I'm not a very concise writer! xD

No pressure on your end to keep up and you certainly don't have to write anything massive
in response. I think your idea of shorter, more frequent messages is a good one because it
keeps things more manageable and you don't get the feeling of a looming task/deadline over
your head. If you're busy thinking "Man, I need to respond, but it'll take me 2 hours to
draft a reply and I just don't have it right now!", settle for a quick, 10 minute reply
that you think hits the important stuff and if you have time later, you can follow it up
with a sequel. I promise I won't be upset that you only wrote a paragraph for every
chapter of mine. :P

Honestly, I think Mark is as tough of a situation as Megan, though they're completely
different in so many ways. I've thought a lot recently about why Megan is in such a
difficult situation and I think I've more or less figured it out. In many ways, it was
much easier when Megan was severely depressed and I didn't spend hours each day thinking
about her and what was best for her or how to go about getting her the help that she
needed. That's different from her issue now because it's no longer an emotional state,
it's a perception issue. She's seeing the world through a horribly warped lens right now
and can't tell friend from foe or compassion from malice. That's what makes this so hard
for me and why I spend so much time reflecting on the situation because it's not a matter
of expending resources anymore, it's a complex, multipart puzzle throw into the middle of
a "choose your own adventure" style book. You have to weigh the consequences of all of
your decisions as you solve the puzzle one step at a time and every decision you make
changes the puzzle in some way.

All this to say that I think Mark is in a similar situation. It's not as straightforward
as "Let me help you". It sounds like there's some sort of fundamental disconnect that
prevents him from seeing his actions as inappropriate or troubling (or unable to act on
the realization if he has it). It puts you and others in the situation where you have to
first determine that something needs to be done, then figure out what's best for him, and
then figure out how to go about doing it. As you progress, things may or may not work the
way you expected and each step might change how receptive Mark is to taking additional
steps. I don't think anyone can blame you for not having taken action sooner because these
situations are anything but black and white and the best path forward is never clear. How
do you balance his best interests and his desires? What if Mark perceives that you've
pushed too far? I've been using "goodwill points" as shorthand with others for how much
influence I have with Megan. All of the difficult things I want to say or do to help her
cost me goodwill points because she doesn't want to hear them, and as my supply gets low,
I have progressively less power to effect positive change in her life. I think most
situations like this run on the same basic principle. You've saved up a lot of points
through your friendship so far and confronting Mark (or another friend) with a personal
and difficult issue can cost you a lot. Since you don't really know how much it'll cost
you or how many goodwill points they've actually given you, everything is a gamble as you
fumble about for the right ways to help and advise.

To be clear, I'm not saying you or your other friends are inept at this. I just understand
how difficult how this situation can be because it's so complex with so many unknowns and
none of us are trained to do this. The best we can do is navigate the situation in a way
that we think is in their best interest and be confident that we're doing the right thing.
It sounds like you guys have a pretty good game plan so I hope things start to improve for
Mark and that he sees this as a positive.

RE: RE: Dad
From someone else who's always considered themselves to be bad at communicating: You can
only do your best to get your point across. If it's not received or not received well,
then you at least tried. That said, there are a couple of things I've learned over the
years that help a lot when you're trying to communicate, especially about difficult
topics. The first is practice, which you're definitely getting with your therapy sessions
and your time here, but will also be a gradual process of improvement as you get older and
have more practice. The second is confidence. Often times I've found that when you're
worried or timid about how you'll be received, you send an inaccurate message because you
don't have the confidence to just say exactly what you mean. Not to say you should be rude
or confrontational, but if you're not confident about what you're trying to say and going
to say, you won't send as clear of a clear message when you actually say it. The same is
true for relationships (not that I've had much experience with different
relationships...). If you're confident about what you want and not afraid to decide when
something is/isn't what you want if/when the time comes, it makes things easier. I
recommend reading Franklin Veaux's answers on Quora with respect to dating because he has
a lot of really good advice on what makes a healthy relationship and what doesn't.
Basically, simply stating your wants and needs in a tactful, polite way (as appropriate to
whatever given situation you're in) means you're more likely to end up with a compatible
partner. If you consistently get feedback that you're needy or [adjective], then maybe
it's something to address.

I also wouldn't worry about drifting relationships. As hard as it sounds, that's just part
of life and growing up. Especially in today's age where people regularly move significant
distances for college and work, it's *really* hard to hold onto some of those
relationships. My 3 *best* friends throughout high school? One I was friends with since
4th grade and I'm still really good friends with. I'm one of his groomsmen at his wedding
in a few weeks... but I see him a couple times a year and we don't talk too much outside
of that. Partly that's just the way we are, though. Another I'm still friends with and I
see her once or twice a year, usually around Christmas and I pretty much get/give my
update for the past year at that time. We're still good friends but we mostly have no idea
what's going on in each other's lives. The third friend, and probably the one I spent the
most time with in high school, I almost never see or talk to at all, and he lives a 5
minute walk from my parent's house which I visit pretty regularly. He lived in my
neighborhood and rode my bus and we were practically inseparable. When we do see each
other it's really cool to catch up and talk about our lives and what's changed, but mostly
we don't have any impact on each other's lives at all. My 3 closest college friends are in
a similar boat. One lives in Philly so I see him sometimes, usually around Christmas, but
otherwise we don't talk much even though I'd still consider us good friends. The other 2
are far away and I almost never hear from them (and vice versa). Marcus is probably my
best friend now, even if he's my cousin, and I still hardly talk to him more than once a
month and I only see him half a dozen times a year it seems. My wife's best friend from
high school just came down to visit us and she visited us a couple times at the old house.
We see her a couple times a year at best and she's still good friends with us, but they
stay in a little better contact outside of in-person visits. We only see my wife's best
college friend because she moved in with us for 9 months and now lives locally. Even then
we maybeee see her once a month. A lot of examples just to say that it's just how life
goes. You move on and make new friends and you lose touch with old friends as you spend
time apart. I think my examples made it pretty clear that all of these people are still
good friends in the sense that we'd totally hang out with or get along well with any of
them if we ran into them, but we just all have finite time in our lives and it naturally
gets spent on those we find ourselves around.

As a last note, new advice: Then find out. Don't be afraid to fully explore who you might
be, regardless of what that means.. I mean, so long as you're not hurting anyone else :P

(How did this quick reply get so long?!)

Jackie Milton (10/28/2018 11:30pm):
Well sometimes my computer restarts after I've left a message in the composition phase for a
while. This is why I need to write shorter things. SO I can post them immediately. I think I wrote
some important things here, alas they are gone. This happens when I write poems. If I don't finish
them the night of, they get lost, and I lose my frame of mind. I have a great idea for one I started
about a year and a half ago. I have the opening lines, but it could use some work: Basically, I
describe a suicide in the vein (no pun) of Dead from the band Mayhem, but only using artistic
terms. tl;dr, slit wrists and shotgun to the head. after that, I have two critics come in and one
judges the artistic value of the display while the other laments the human loss. In the end, the twist
is that the two critics converge and suggest the opinions of either are simultaneously in the mind of
one. In the bigger picture, it's a metaphor for the sacrifice, physicality, and vulnerability of being
artistic, and that everything you create is, in a way a piece of you that you give up to the world.
Maybe a pretentious, but I think it's p sick.

Jackie Milton (10/28/2018 11:33pm):
(Before I continue) *waves at Jacqueline* feel free to join us, if you'd like. We're just blabbering.

Jackie Milton (10/29/2018 12:27am):
The situation with "Mark" seems to be on the up. My old roommate, H, who is closer to him, spoke with
him directly. He knows he's weird, and his issues require more of a professional eye than what we can
offer. Nevertheless, H and his girlfriend take him out to dinner regularly, so that he can learn some
better skills in talking to women/people-in-general. But even she says, the issue is mostly out of our
hands. Good luck with your coworker, it seems the situation is awfully similar.

RE: RE: RE: Dad
I appreciate the reassurance about drifting. I'm just afraid to lose the little I have. But I know that won't
happen, because I have you guys, and some truly good friends here at navy, to include one I really
really love. I'm just too sentimental. I see my Star Wars Galaxies friends once in a blue moon, but the
golden age of SWG for me has pretty much passed. Can't have it all, I guess. No fair! haha... but I am
tearing up a little.

Communication with my dad is probably the toughest thing. And with other people... I'm so awkward, I
usually just want to die when I'm trying to function with relative strangers. I really wouldn't call it suicidal,
because that's not how it feels. At least not at first. That would be the compounding social blunders that
play on repeat when I go to bed. But back to the topic, I'm sure you're right, and it will just take time.
Hell, I have to get through the last 11 years of hating myself. Not like I can just put on a bandaid and
move forward. To my therapist's question of "why am I unworthy (of friendship, romance, being in the
physical proximity of etc.)." I found something of an answer, that should have been more obvious. It is
certainly related to everything I talk about. It's the performance of my identities, that I have always felt to
be unfulfilled. The main ones: Son, Friend, (male) Person. I put "son" first because, the other two stem
from it -- the implicit and explicit expectations of my father to me. There are three huge points of failure
here that I see: The love and respect and child owe's his/her parents. My folks think I don't love them. It
can't be true, but they certainly feel disrespected or distant to me. And each has separately said the
other thinks I don't love them. Not in a manipulative way, don't take that out of context. But I have
written about both cases in this thread. It's devastating, awful. I'm no good. (or am I?) Well, that's the
point. I feel that way, so it's true at some point between fiction and reality. Point two, is my dad
specifically, early on said "no committing suicide". it was about dealing with rejection. But here I am all
"depressed" (using liberally) and shit. Can't say anything about it, or I get overreaction and distrust.
Point three, leading into the other two, is the necessity of having friends and romantic partners, of which
I consistently fail at. So leading into the "friend" identity, it's easy to see where I fail when faced with so
many friendships early on that went unreciprocated, and even now. Having people flake (like my sister
(whomst I haven't talked to since summer)) all the time hurts, and blinds me to the times people don't.
That said, this recent birthday was really really good. No hooplah on the day, and my buddies seemed
really excited to celebrate it with me when we went to San Diego just recently. It's only getting to me
now that I'm writing about it that I'm crying about how loved I feel about how much my friends care. But
that hasn't always been the case in the past. And I can't go without mentioning how this place reminds
me that maybe I actually am awful and being a proper friend, and not a black hole of sympathy. "(male)
Person" is a bit more complicated. Part of it has to do with my never getting a job or having specific
career goals to succeed in life (these would be conversations of tension with my dad). Part has to do
with my inability to get a girlfriend. And from that, (not that it's something that weighs heavy on me, but
still sits in the back of my mind) my never having had sex with anyone offers a certain inadequacy. And
going back to the "son" thing, my dad seems overly concerned with passing on the family name/genes
which I just can't really grasp. It's somewhat repulsing to me, and I feel guilty about that, but I really
shouldn't. I think in the past I may have been concerned with my lack of masculinity, but as I'm sure you
can infer, that's more a piece of empowerment than a deep anxiety. The point of all this is that the
boxes I've understood to be my core identities as an individual remain unfilled, so if I cannot be these
things, who am I? Well certainly not Minion Mom for Halloween because "costumes are too expensive."
Maybe "haha (but not really) crossdressing" is for next year. Where we finna drop, boys?

Ok that's enough. Pardon my "let's talk about me" hour.

Xmo5 (10/29/2018 04:05pm):
I have a lot more to say to this, but my schedule is wonky right now and I only have time
for this quick reply:

First, I love the idea of "haha (but not really) crossdressing" for Halloween next year
and I actually almost laughed out loud at work when I read it. It's an interesting
combination of being happy for you, being proud of you (is that weird?), and thinking that
it would make for a good sit-com episode. I'm actually still smiling from the point that I
read it and I should probably stop so I don't have to explain why I look so happy to
everyone walking by my cubicle.

Second, I know you've heard this before, but I think you're overthinking things. I think
you're putting too many unnecessary pressures and responsibilities on yourself. Granted,
many of these are societal pressures (being applied from different sources, some of which
happen to be your family), but most of the time you can probably ignore them. I was
fortunate enough that these pressures never really bothered me in the same way, or to the
same extent, probably because I was more selfish than you are, but I know I've at least
thought some of the same things you think (job and girlfriend for two). Anyway, you are
who you are and you are where you are, and that's that. Worrying about whether you're
fulfilling these roles based off of arbitrary or unnecessarily strict criteria is an
exercise in futility. If you don't have a girlfriend or haven't had sex, so what? It's not
a measure of your character or a metric for determining how fit you are as a son. If you
actually want a girlfriend (not because it's an expectation), then try, fail, and learn.
(I know, rich advice coming from me, the kid who only had the balls to ask one girl out
after she practically wrote it on my forehead...) Anyway, less worrying about the roles
you fill and the things people think about or expect of you and more about the things that
matter to you.

Lastly, "friend" is hard. I get around it by choosing to have few, and I think that's
probably for the best. I'd rather be extra selective and have friends I can rely on with
whom I'm very compatible than a lot of casual friends in a complex, evolving social
network. People change and their needs and interests are always fluctuating and so
friendships will tend to do the same. You forge new ones as time goes on and it sounds
like you have some really good friends at the academy. Maybe you'll get closer over the
next couple of years and maybe someday you'll drift apart, but that's all natural,
especially at this time of your life. It's sort of like watching grandparents slowly start
to fade away. It's sad to watch and you miss them a lot, even before they're gone, but
eventually you'll make peace with it and you'll remember all the good times. Remember your
friendships by the good times even when it's sad to watch them fade. (Hint: It makes it
easier to re-open that door... you're young!)

Okay, that's all for now... I hit more than I was expecting, but I'll have to go back and
re-read your posts to see what I missed.

(Also, "Let's talk about me" hour is why we're here, no pardons required. :P)

Xmo5 (10/29/2018 04:06pm):
*sigh* .... Why is it that even my "I just have a few minutes post" still longer than your
post?? I need to work on being more concise...

Jackie Milton (10/30/2018 10:29am):
Haha, I'm glad you appreciate my humor. Some certainly do not, mostly because I use the same
jokes over and over again ("over?" I hardly know her!). I'm afraid that I may have already fallen
into the black hole of dad humor. There will be a day when all my jokes will be unfunny
unironically... and that is the day I end it. Uh, that was supposed to be a joke...

"Overthinking it," (cockney accent): that's kinda the point, init?
The fact of the matter is that I'm anxious and I hate myself. I'm not necessarily pointing fingers and
reading in to what my problems are, because like I just said, it's absolutely straight forward. I know
that I don't have to meet specific criteria to be a functioning human being, I know that not having
had closely intimate relationships with others doesn't make me worthless. The point I'm getting at,
is that I'm trying to dig into why I feel the way I do and the only way I can do so is if I analyze how I
operate, what upsets me, and how various factors of my life culminate into who I am.

Jackie Milton (12/01/2018 02:14am | Edited: 12/02/2018 12:06am):
Am woozy, so probably more honest. a long night of wooziness to be exact. We had our company "Dining In" tonight, so a
lot of freeish drinks then went out in DTA with friends and company mates. I will say, I'm not as adamant against alcohol
as I once was, but I am still offended when people suggest it's necessary to have fun. On the other hand, I am a bit more
relaxed and pragmatic when intoxicated. More on that in a bit. Today was pretty fun overall. got to hang out with the
Commandant's Own D&B for a while. Although, it was a bit embarrassing when our 0-little skill band played with them in
ensemble. Oh well. we aren't professionals. They are. And I've only been playing tuba for three-ish months. The we had
Lcpl "Dildo" give us a tour of the Marine Barracks Washington. Basically being super boot-y and constantly interrupting the
new guy with him. Oh well.

Came back to school for the company party. It was a lot of fun. They had a lot of non-beer stuff, which was nice. I really
only drink these sort of things, plus I feel a little more effeminate when I do, but the idea that drinking certain things is
more or less masculine is dumb to begin with. But it really does make me feel comfortable with myself when I object to
grodie beer and stuff. I am a little worried that I'm setting a bad example for my "subordinates" (see: freshmen college
students). But I never get wild or belligerent. Still, It's important to me that I iterate that booze is not a requirement for fun.
try to say such things at meals and all that when I see everyone together. Regarding my squad leader stuff, I think I've
done ok. Not great, but again people say I do good things. I hope I've positively affected (or effected) my squadmates.
Otherwise, I'm dumb and useless. Ok. Too harsh. But that's how I feel, y'know?

So out in town. I'm a bit self-critical for humor. I don't think I over-did that part, which is good. But my best friend says he
still worries that I don't have fun with him in these settings, or I guess others as well. It's true that social events stress me
out, so it's hard for me to feel good always, but I was having a pretty god time (albeit a little sleepy towards the end). But it
was nice tonight, some girl came and sat down next to me and started talking to me. That was cool. We were about to
leave, I could have bought her a drink or something, But I really wouldn't be staying there for long. The music got loud n
stuff, and she got up said she would come back and went over to talk with some other dude. I was tired and pretty boring,
so it's totes fair of her to do that I guess. But it was certainly nice while it lasted. That being said, I was (am) pretty drunk,
and that also makes me space out a little. Even though it wasn't really much of a successful interaction with a stranger,
because I imagine talking with me was like talking to a wall at the time. However, it felt good that someone maybe was
interested in me. Which is cool. Because I certainly am not, haha. I feel a little bad that I wasn't more inviting, but I've also
had a longass week of language applications and breathing exercises (I nearly passed out from that today...).

Cool. Ok. that's about it. Maybe I'm not as ugly on the outside as I think I am (on the inside). Or this MFer needs glasses.
Who knows. I still go to therapy on mondays because I hate myself. Prolly talk about it then.

Don't mean to be so ambiguously negative, today was actually really good for a lot of the things I mentioned. Of course I
have to be a part of my own life (annoying yet unavoidable), so I can't not acknowledge my own feelings about myself
(granted I am a bit more free with these opinions under the influence). Hope you don't feel betrayed, James. I do like
getting woozy because it loosens me up. But I am also more likely to cry. Like now, haha. not bad tears really. Just tears.
I'm ok right now. I have friends and a bit of purpose. That's about all that matters.

Hope you guys are doing ok too. Dunno who all browses this chain, but that includes you. Oke. booze wearing off and I'm
starting to care about my personality deficiencies D:

Alright. ramble over. gnight folks

Edit: spelling. P surprised how coherent this came out given the circumstances.

Jackie Milton (12/02/2018 10:10pm):
"Duncan, to be completely honest you're do a fantastic job this semester as a squad leader. I know I don't sit with
your squad or really interact with you much, but I do see you operate with [****] and other members of your squad.
Your squad cohesion is desirable by all squad leaders, and you manage to remain professional with all members of
your squad while letting your personality fly - a very difficult challenge I have struggled with. Outside of you billet,
you offer unique perspectives on life (and music) that no one else in the company can offer. You have broadened
my horizons (and I'm sure many others as well) on so many fronts that I cannot possibly put them in this one
evaluation. You're a special dude, thanks for being you."

why can't I believe it....

"Duncan could work on his timeliness in certain areas"

this is better

"Less weird stuff please."

I'll admit, this one was funny.

Xmo5 (12/03/2018 02:41pm):
I'll reply to this in more depth later, but all I can say right now is:

Hahahahaha! That's hilarious! I take it those are reviews you got from various people on
your squad leadership? I could certainly believe that first one, but I can also totally
believe that last one because I've been on the receiving end of those sentiments before xD

Xmo5 (12/06/2018 04:04pm):
Okay, time for a longer reply, though I apologize in advance that most of it's going to be
about me. We'll start with you so you can fall asleep partway through and not miss
anything valuable.

So, first things first, I certainly don't feel betrayed. I actually had to think for a
moment to figure out what you meant by that. Just because I have disdain for alcohol and
its place in society doesn't mean I hold any sort of resentment towards people who use it.
I may have disagreements, concerns, or (in extreme cases) fears about it because I'm aware
of the problems it presents (or avoids), but I'm also very much a "Hey man, you do you."
kind of person. That's why I'm staunchly against use of marijuana, but in favor of
legalizing it, or at least decriminalizing it. It's not my place to tell you how to live
your life or to judge you for the way you choose because in your shoes I might feel the
same way. I have an inherent advantage in genuinely disliking both the taste and effects
of alcohol, which makes my logical stance easy to support, but someone else might have
some pretty negative things to say about my unhealthy eating or video game habits because
that's a vice that it's easy for them to avoid and look down on. Long story short is that
while I'll sit here and hope you do so safely, I don't begrudge you your drinking nor do I
feel betrayed in any sense by you doing so.

Second, at least in my experience, when you're drinking/drunk never put much weight in
your encounters with people who are less drunk than you. My guess is that you're right
that the girl probably left because you were drunk and didn't make a good conversation
partner and I think that's a pretty healthy way to look at it. I know after like 2 drinks,
XX gets really sleepy and her IQ drops about 30 points so, even though I love her to
death, conversation at that point is a chore. I'm probably more sensitive to this than
most people, but you get what I'm saying. Anyway, glad to hear you got some attention- it
always makes for a good pick-me-up and a more tangible reminder that you're worth more
than you give yourself credit for.

Lastly, about the squad leadership stuff: One thing that I've come to realize is that
frequently it's the thought that counts in those types of situations. To be clear, that
doesn't necessarily make you a good leader or effective in your role, *but* I think it
matters at least as much. See, if you genuinely care about doing a good job and having a
positive impact on your squadmates, they'll see that. I think it generally makes the
relationships closer and people more trusting, regardless of the context of that role, and
I think that's a vital component to a functioning team. I think it's pretty clear that you
genuinely care and it looks like people can see the results of that, even if some may have
comments about your personality quirks. ;)

I say keep up the good work!

Okay, now onto me.... Another update for Megan and Francine. Oh boy, where to start?

When we last left off, Megan had pretty much entirely pushed me out of her life, so I
didn't have much I could do but watch from a distance and hope for the best. The problem
is that things were getting kind of crazy and Megan was oblivious and unreceptive, so
Francine and I went behind Megan's back, looked up her therapist online, and sent letters
to her. We were concerned that the therapy she was getting didn't and wouldn't uncover the
issues we were seeing, and we wanted the therapist to have a full picture since Megan was
using the lack of concern from her therapist as justification that everything was fine.
The therapist told Megan that we wrote the letters and she was livid, all the while the
therapist didn't seem to do much to address our concerns. Francine was forgiven because,
from Megan's perspective, they were besties (even though they really only became friends
at the start of this story due to having similar struggles). I just got pushed further
away, but it's what I expected and it was a gamble I took. Then, suddenly, Francine put in
her notice at work and said that she was quitting because she needed to get out of the
area where her husband is because it's too easy for her to fall back into the abusive
relationship. She was going to move to Arizona where her mom lives and get a job in her
actual field (mechanical drawings) rather than what she was currently doing that she
didn't really enjoy. So, she's gone now and it's basically just me left to support Megan.

Megan also started dating someone around this time and I had on-and-off serious concerns
with him. My thoughts ranged anywhere from "this guy seems to help support and stabilize
her a bit" to "this guy is straight taking advantage of her vulnerability to coerce her
into doing whatever he wants". Eventually, there were red flags left and right, including
her making him an authorized user on her credit card... after dating for 2 weeks. (Note,
there was a substantial income disparity). Obviously I couldn't say anything because he
was literally the most perfect person she'd ever met in every way, always had the perfect
words, and even when she was right, she'd wake up the next morning and realize she was
wrong and that he always knew better than she did. It was scary but she was "going to
marry him" and was planning on making the wedding what would be only one month into their
relationship. Then , in mid-November we have our first breakthrough and Megan and I have a
legitimate heart-to-heart conversation at work and she understands why I did what I did
and everything is forgiven. She seemed a bit more lucid, but clearly still having
perception issues. Now I'm in the loop on her boyfriend problems and she calls me a couple
of nights in tears about something very reasonable to be upset over and keeps saying "I
know I'll go to sleep and when I wake up I'll realize he's right." and things like that. I
gently prod that maybe he actually has human flaws and that- "Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there because it sounds like you're about to say that we're not compatible, and
that's not even on the table right now." ... Okay, admittedly that's where I was trying to
end up, but I wasn't remotely there yet, so I gave her the lite version of "These are
problems, and reasonable things to be upset over, so just let him know when you're less
upset, and try to calmly work through to a mutually agreeable solution." That went over
much better and I was hailed as having great advice. She was all over the place in those
conversations and clearly she was still not okay.

Then I was taken by surprise when I learned that Francine wasn't moving to Arizona at all
and that she made all of that up and quit her job so that she could get back together with
her husband after a lot of (positive) changes had taken place! She was convinced she'd
have to "spend a week of shame in the boiler room at work" because she was afraid [Joey]
and I would kill her if we found out. (Joey and I were both integral to helping her work
through this whole thing and giving her the support she needed to follow through on
getting out of the relationship) Megan told me all of this, along with all of the changes
that had taken place and I genuinely think that there's legitimate hope for them..
obviously I still have my concerns because I know how abusive relationships tend to go,
but it's her right to choose and I'm pretty hopeful. So then I have to confront Francine
and so that happens and we're cool. (I remember saying "You know you don't have to quit
your job and pretend to move to AZ just to make me feel like my advice is meaningful,
right? ;)") Thankfully that situation has a happy ending so far.

Then one day Megan mentions that her therapist wanted to try a different medication
because they were concerned she had "manic tendencies" accentuated by her normal
personality (a fair assessment, I think), so they switched her over. Immediate clarity.
She was abruptly thrust back into reality and could reflect on everything that had
happened over the previous month or two and was thoroughly embarrassed by all of the
things she'd done and said while her perception was warped. Over the next couple of weeks,
she realized that she needed to break up with this guy and it was fully her decision,
which is really the only way that could ever happen with proper closure. She was also hit
with the financial aftermath of spending money so frivolously in her mania (that's a key
symptom) and is still struggling to get herself back to where she was. Unfortunately, this
drug gave her massive, debilitating headaches and raised her blood pressure substantially,
so she has weaned herself off of it. The good news is that, while she's still prone to
mania, depression (what she was originally treating), panic attacks, and drastic mood
swings, she's much more self-aware and can reflect on the fact that she's being manic. For
example, she'll recognize when she's at the store and wants to buy a bunch of things that
it's her mania and try to stop herself, whereas before she had not even the slightest
modicum of awareness that her spending was excessive or unnecessary. I think she's doing a
really great job for the most part and that we're getting along great again, even if she
still needs a lot of support. At any rate, the story's not over yet and there are plenty
of bumps left in the road, but she's doing better and working on a long term solution
(she's seeing a more qualified specialist on her therapist's recommendation). I really
hope this is the last chapter in this story because it's been chaotic enough. You couldn't
make this stuff up!

Sorry for another novel-length post... hopefully my last for a good, long while!

Jackie Milton (12/17/2018 03:00am):
Well, now that I should be writing my *2-page, opinion-piece shakespeare exam* (read: absolutely bonehead), now is a great (heh) time
to write my reply on here. But I'm jacked up on coffee so Here. I. Go.

K booze (real time interruption: God DAMMIT, scum class boarding group again. Fuck boarding group C. I'm a war hero coming home /s
(like *heavy* sarcasm), I shall *not* be boarding with peasants on my way back to Michigan. Maybe I need to remember to check in
earlier... not that it really matters, just frustrating that no one on the airplane departs with any sort of efficiency. Nope, it's just everybody
leaps from their seats and fucks with their luggage holding everyone else up. (the "C" stands for "sCum class")). ok back to reality.
Booze - ok in moderation.

Yeah, it's a pretty good feeling to have people interested in you. I hope the beer goggles aren't always require to see my weird-shaped
head as normal. Although, a friend I made through the AWBW discord (where else would I make my friends....) insists that I'm cute. I
hope she's right, haha, cuz that's pretty validating. Of course the pics I send her are only the ones I like. /shrug. I shouldn't be so
concerned about this. Actually, I'm not. I'm much more preoccupied with being a bad person: more to follow!! (can you say: "Big yikes"?)

All in all, I think my squad leader stuff was largely a success. Hindsight being what it is, I could have done better in many areas. Just
stuff to work on next semester. As long as I can keep my health in check, and become more resistant to fatigue, lose some weight, gain
some body confidence, talk more, do more/better SAPR things... I think these are all good goals, and right now in my caffeinated state,
I'm excited! Bring it on, I want to be better!

I'm glad things seem to be improving with your coworkers. That is some legit heavy shit, and you care so much, it's really inspiring. Obv,
it's not your job to "fix" people, whatever that means anyway, but I think your heart and your actions have been in the right place.
Mistakes will happen, and nothing will go as planned. It's also scary what medicine can do if poorly administered. I have a friend back
home who has cystic fibrosis. A couple months and a year ago, he messaged me out of the blue expressing some heavy suicide stuff. I
talked to him pretty frequently after that. I really couldn't argue against his ideations basically because is days are numbered and more
painful by the week, and his parents fucking suck (they're a little better now). He's still alive, but had wild changes after ending a certain
medication (emotionally for the better). And he's since been on cannibis treatment that has helped a bunch, and he collects disability so
he doesn't have to work. Scary stuff though. But just goes to show how vile medication can be...

Ok, back to me, because I might be a narcissist. (does that prove that I'm not?) (pls don't answer). So I'm writing letters with my dad... at
a much slower rate than these comments... but I'm in the middle of replying to his 22SEP letter. I really haven't touched it because I've
seen my parents 3 times since receiving it. But also, the first time I read it, it absolutely destroyed me. Super distracted that day. Really
just wanted to curl up and stop existing. and after transcribing it (it's in cursive...) yesterday (because I need to read it again), it fucked
me up again, but now with some more punches that I missed the first time. So, he's replying to a letter I wrote detailing some of the very
frustrations I've written in here about expectations and school dances (sounds dumb I know... but huge anxieties) because, and you
shall soon see is the kicker, he asked me to discuss issues I've had with our relationship because he did not get the opportunity with his
deceased father.

So he starts off dismissing my frustrations as my "biased" versions of the truth. While I agree there are always multiple truths to any
event, he totally ignored my acknowledgement that I understand everything he does is for me, or in my interest, which is the truth from
his perspective. Then he lectures me on that very thing, like I don't already fucking know it. My head isn't so far up my ass that I can only
see the backs of my teeth... Apparently I'm not being clear enough. Which is another reason I suck... I can't communicate without
breaking down, or pushing people away. Ok. That rant is over. It's rather insignificant, but it's like he doesn't really listen to what I have to
say, and that's a pretty important context for the letter.

Next follows his explanation of some grand conspiracy among my therapists and myself against him. Like I've lab-crafted these
frustrations to paint my dad as a bad person and blame him for the reasons I hate myself. Well, sure his actions have exacerbated my
self-loathing, but I've felt like this since I was 11, and the "get a girlfriend early, or your will get rejected later on and kill yourself" lectures
didn't come until at least 3 years afterward. And again, I've never considered him a "bad person," in fact, I'm eternally grateful that both
may parents are who they are because the created a home environment in which I could explore and find myself (granted there was
some offhanded "I'll love you less if you're gay" jokes that have always unsettled me). But religion, politics, career goals... all hands off
for the most part, always present, always involved, really more than a lot can ask for. So ok, I'm in circles again. He writes the line "fuck
your therapist!" good band name. have you ever laughed and cried at the same time? (not to be confused with "laughing so hard you
cry." He said he felt betrayed that I shared information from the letters to these counselors. Maybe that breach of confidence was an
honest mistake on my part, but my perspective in counseling has always been this: "am I interpreting his letter right?" "what is he right
about, what is wrong?" "I'm thinking about writing this from my adolescence, is that fair?" "I'm concerned about upsetting him, but I am
an adult and he asked me to share these thoughts, no?" K, I always include him in discussions because were both adult humans with
feelings and emotions. Ugh. Don your tinfoils folks...

There's more in the letter, but this next thing and other conversations around it are super upsetting. So as stated before, I do the whole
Sexual Assault Prevention and Response (SAPR) thing at school. It gives me a lot of purpose, few volunteer to do it nevermind take SA
seriously, I really really care, and, at some level (but never does it cross my mind when I give briefs (this is important)) I do it because I
feel that I've failed Jacqueline here and maybe I can use that failure to be better for someone else who needs it. SO this tracks back to
more than a year ago that I mention this place to my pops, and his immediate concern is that my connection here is inherently rooted in
my desire to pair with a female human. Ahhhh!!! am I that much of a fucking monster... Jacqueline, did I make you feel like I wanted to
be your romantic partner? I hope to fucking god the answer is "no," otherwise, I dunno, I don't think I can hate myself much more than I
already do, but why limit myself? at 21 I have so much potential! *twitching* Part 2 is when I mention I'm joining the SAPR team, he
insinuates that my ulterior motive is to join a largely female program to again, expose myself (emotionally/romantically) to potential
female pairings. No, mfer, It's because I fucking hate that no one takes SA seriously. I fucking hate that survivors have to live in silent
horror because people will actively disbelieve them. I do it because I want to help. I do it because I otherwise had no purpose. The act of
being in the US military is a fleeting purpose... how can you quantify the amount of good versus the amount of atrocity we project? I'm
still dedicated to my career, but I'm not going to pretend that I'm really protecting American freedom. I'm protecting American supremacy,
which I would argue is a better alternative than Chinese or Russian supremacy. But maybe I can help people, maybe I can change a
culture from one of accusations and horror, to one of love and trust. Probably not, but dammit I will try. Or I'll just fuck some fellow female
shipmates, right? Goddamn. Point three (fuck, I haven't even got to the letter), ove the summer, he sends me this picture of two cats,
one gnawing one the (annoyed/uncomfortable) other's ear. Pretty cute. He says is reminds him of me and my buddy D. Haha, yeah,
we're pretty close and the homoeroticism has a splash of affection in the humor. Ok, but the caption is "SHHHH, just let it happen" haha,
sexual assault, geddit? It's funny because one cat is coercing another to submit to its physical advances, how cute! It pisses me off, but I
don't reply, because I know my dad is largely unaware that he sent me a rape joke, and did such with good intentions. It's ok, honestly,
my dad is out of his time, sure it's unsettling when he texts me "sup ni[bb]a" as a joke, but get this, on my robotics team, he is literally the
best at empowering the disadvantaged and excluded people (to include women, autistic spectrum, racial minorities etc...) to which they
can contribute and really, truly have ownership in the team. Huge disconnect, but w/e. (I am so sorry for these huge tangents, I just need
to get this out before the 'fiene wears off). But the picture comes up again on vacation. "Hey, remember when I sent this to you, pretty
funny huh?" ok maybe it's time "Uh, yeah, but it was pretty upsetting to me that you sent me a rape joke." "what no, here look" *shows
me same picture with same caption* "Hey, uh, I know you meant it with good intentions but when you send me pictures with rape
punchlines, it's kinda like you don't value what I care about" (for the record, I'm taking liberties with this convo, I risk the bias of
presenting my arguments as better crafted than they actually were, thanks). "Well it's funny to me, just too cute cats" .... ahhh listen
please, ty. Ok, now here it is, you've all been waiting for it, part 4: the letter! I'll just paste this actual verbatim "I have had some concerns
about you and some of your relationships [see Jacqueline] or the seem to head you into darkness and “seem” to give credence (?) to an
over-reaching idea you being a victim. I don’t know, I may be completely wrong about all of that; but its probably easier to be helpful to
other victims if you are share similar experiences. Again, just guessing because I have nothing to go on but your silent contempt." What.
The. Fuck. I didn't catch this until yesterday. Not the subtle dismissal of everything I care about. Let me rephrase "You are only a SAPR
guide and offended by SA jokes because you want to be a victim, and honestly, someone who actually experienced sexual assault
should be doing your job because you couldn't possibly relate." I want to cry. well I did. How on Earth could he have reached this
conclusion? And because I care about his privacy, I shall omit some absolutes here: He told me a personal story that would lead me to
believe that he ought to really care about sexual assault. He's right. It would be easier if I shared similar experiences with these
survivors. Well, godammit, I have. I won't pretend to appropriate the horrors of sexual assault survivors. But at the very least I have
empathy for those with self-loathing, feelings of uselessness, betrayal, humiliation, freezing up... Here's a story my dad would probably
also ignore [TRIGGER WARNING] (nothing really that bad or sexual, but a bit traumatic for me): when I was at Air Force for band stuff, I
stayed in the dorms. In the middle of the night, the lights flash on, and I'm surrounded by ten people who throw a blanket over me. The
people I'm staying with either sit by and what or ignore it. I don't know if I can say I "froze" up but I definitely just "let it happen", I even
egged them on when they were struggling to haze me. In the moment I was thinking that I didn't want to give them the satisfaction. Then
they taped me up in a chair and paraded me through the hallway. The wheeled me by one of my own classmates who chuckled and kept
walking. The upperclass obviously unsettled by the display said nothing besides offering me some fucking snacks to appease me
(hopefully I won't tell), ever hear of hush-up cheeze-its? They take me back to the room. I take the tape and stuff off. One of the
roommates apologizes. I'm just pissed that they fucked up my boots that I spent 2 hours shining. Man, they fucked up my boots. Forget
that I was humiliated, blind-eyed, and abandoned by my own classmates, look at these god damn boots. "Shared similar experiences"
fuck off.

I'm so sorry about this. I started off so good tonight. But then I ruined it... I needed to get it out. Why is my dad being absurd? He's
hurting too, from other things. I can't, I won't ignore that. I need to listen to him if I want him to listen to me. Not because everything has
to be fair, but dammit, we're both adults struggling with our emotions and looking with answers in the tension of our relationship.

Um, maybe I can end this with something positive that's also not me trying to justify my existence.

So my independent study proposal passed in the English Department, which is hella cool. It's this weird project where I learn enough
Old/Middle english to make a portfolio of poems. Basically I'll be playing with themes and styles, and the one I'm really excited to write is
one where I combine Old/Middle/Modern English in one crazy poem. Something that links each age in a way that has transcended time.
Honestly, it might be about redpillers if I find a good enough example in old english texts. It's bizarre, Andreas Capellanus writes "the art
of courtly love" which is basically 1. the establishing of social hierarchy (who can love whom) 2. a huge dialogue of what are essentially
pickup lines then (this one's for the field goal) 3. a complete rejection of love because "women are dumb." I have an itching feeling that
Mr. Capellanus would be particularly fond of certain sub-reddits. Wild. People don't change. Society might, but people have been the
same for centuries. I think it's fascinating! Ok goodnight. reply or don't.... there's too much here.

Jackie Milton (12/17/2018 03:02am):
Suckit, Mr. Textwall. Mine is better because the text is wider :P

Jackie Milton (12/17/2018 03:06am):
Oh my god. I wrote 7+ pages worth of shit. and I still need to write my 2 page opinion piece. Maybe I'll
turn this is for shakespeare. Definitely loaded with "drama" heh heh heh. also, up yonder, "fleeting" was
not pun intended.

Jackie Milton (01/14/2019 04:53pm):
Inb4 a month.

Nothing's changed too much. Went home, and replying to the letter was referenced, but my
dad expressed having mostly forgotten what he wrote besides that it took a lot of energy
for him to write it. He did say one thing that me thinking a little bit, and a common
criticism of me from him -- that I tend to get overly defensive and take things personally
(there's a word I'm digging for here, but can't think of it). Specifically in the letter,
that I ought not to take any of his statements as personal attacks. I understand my father
has the right to express his feelings just as much as I do. But it's frustrating when he
suggests that his misinterpretations of my character are no-go zones. I really don't think
he means this, because in his mind he isn't misrepresenting me. As mentioned I think I
communicate poorly how I think of him holistically, and have instead focused on the
negatives. Perhaps this is because I think the positives are a given, but he may seem my
exclusion of these points as "father bad; son innocent." My goal is simply to draw
attention to his behaviors that have exacerbated personal issues of my own, and given his
*request* to air these feelings, I am obliging for his sake and my own. He acknowledges my
expression of these and writes "Unfortunately, we all have perspective and because of
point of view our versions of the “truth” are biased." no shit, haha, this is what I'm
trying to say. When I read this I see: "our truths are inherently biased [welcome to being
an english major], so """"unfortunately""" yours are invalid, now here are mine." Of
course, this is not likely what he intends, and is in fact a response to my expressing of
my personal "truth" previously as a personal attack. And now that we're full circle, this
is what annoys me. He feels attacked, says some really questionable things about me, then
insists I shouldn't feel attacked. Yeesh. I can't blame hime for not knowing who I am,
just like I can't know who he is. Or either of you two (plus? silent lurkers come forth,
lol). Honestly, I'm tempted not to hedge any of my thoughts in the next letter -- suicide,
gender, politics (like my military status being somewhat of an internal ethical concern).
Like, if you want honesty dude, here. I've done my best not to hurt his feelings in the
past, but I think I've broken the threshold. He has certainly hurt mine when he claims my
sexual assault prevention involvement is solely to satiate my carnal desires. Gah. fuck, I
just can't get over that. Pisses me off pretty good, lol. Well, hopefully I can reply to
that soon. Get a little off my chest. Step on some toes (not that I want that). Happy new
year :P

Speaking of which, New Year in New Orleans. That was pretty much a total blast. Definitely
the drunkest I'd ever been in public on new years eve. Ultimately, I'm glad to have been
able to spend time with friends in strange corners of the world. I don't think this is
necessarily healthy, but these are my alcohol thresholds: sober - awkward and generally
uncomfortable; tipsy - still awkward I guess, but loosened up enough to not really care
about how much I suck; drunk - at this point I'm usually pretty internal and usually
crying about something, but I'll be honest I like that state because it's kinda like the
nights I would spend alone soaking in the hot tub at my house or maybe long busrides home.
Also ripped a couple cigarettes with a buddy after getting smashed one night, I remember
opening up about some shit, but we've likely both forgotten at this point. Still, rarely
am I so intimate with irl people. So honestly, even all the sappy shit was a good
experience. A few highlights were definitely all the food. Local cuisine was great, but
the casino buffet was truly the best I've ever had. Who would ahve known. Otherwise,
casinos suck; tables might be a little better, but slots are just sad. and all the workers
there just seem to hate their existence. You live, you learn, I guess. We also went to a
strip club at the request of my friend and his girlfriend. Also a pretty sad place, but
holy fuck, the acrobatics of some of those ladies are crazy. I talked with one of them for
a while (largely I suspect because said friend in question indicated I was shy, and that's
how strippers make money - seeming emotionally interested to lonely dudes. Anywho...). She
was pretty nice, but also very, uh, well, she was a veteran of the craft. Apparently it
was her first night after a several-year hiatus. In between, got married, went to school,
had a couple of kids. I'm not sure if all this was necessarily true, but it was an
interesting perspective. Regardless, it was good to get outa there. I think they were in
the middle of turning on the money vacuum... That's really all that seems important enough
to remember. WWII museum there is pretty good, fyi. All in all, it was a good time.
hopefully I can get fit enough to pass the next PRT.

Jackie Milton (01/18/2019 12:05am | Edited: 01/23/2019 01:32am):
Ugh. Sorry if you read this. It seems I am incapable of not being edgy.

Jackie Milton (01/23/2019 01:41am):
I don't know why I can't just let things go. It's not like the average human life is
particularly long. Can't really let the letter go. I guess I can, but I really don't want
to. But here's an epiphany: Closure isn't a thing. I'm a little embarrassed to crave it.
Or a lot. I'm always embarrassed, but particularly about that. So there's that.

Hey, for real though, I shouldn't be the only voice in here. I'm only imitating truth, as
Plato might put it, and discourse is healthy. So if you're lurking, say hi, and I'll try
not to scare you off.

Jackie Milton (02/04/2019 11:31pm):
The word "friend" is in here almost 300 times. That's pretty good, I think. Friends are
pretty cool. I hope that I'm alright at it. If not, I can probably get better.

Jackie Milton (02/11/2019 02:17am):
10:28. Whew. That's a close shave.... too close. Sill, sub 7-minute mile pace is pretty quick. For my application
to Navy, I ran a 9:11 mile for time.... gosh was I slow. Also a bit of a controversial number.. My gym teacher
wrote down 9:10. The physical part of this place has definitely been the most challenging. My fitness tends to
be rather inconsistent. A big buildup before my tests, then forgetting that the gym exists for the next couple
months. In high school, I had a long streak of getting up early to work out just for the hell of it. I should get
back to that. Feels good to feel strong. Right now tho, I'm not looking to put up any big weights. Slim my
figure, maintain and improve cardio fitness before the next PRT, generally more aesthetic. It's crazy to think
back on myself 4 years ago like that. This was when I really started rolling into awbw. Robotics was in full
swing. Still played SWG regularly with those buddies. It's easy to pick out the good things and forget all my
anxieties from back then. I was not in particularly good shape when I found this map, for example. Didn't know
what I wanted or who I was (I guess the only thing that's changed there is that I'm totally fine about not
knowing those things).

Regarding my running. I look back at my semester of track where I ran the mile for Plebe Summer prep. A mile
is 4 laps around the track. I had a "J" for each lap. This is probably so dumb. Or cute. Maybe creepy. You be
the judge. Each "J" was a person I would run a lap for. Should be obvious now, but my first "J" was James,
and I would think about new friendships and new adventures. The next was was for J**** a close high school
buddy, for the time I valued spending with those close to me. The third was J**** a significant romantic interest
that I've mentioned here a time or two, this was a desire for intimate closeness, someone to possibly have a
future with (oddly enough, the 3rd lap is the hardest - the running gets tough, and you still have a whole lap to
complete afterward. Kinda poetic knowing that things got a bit rocky with this J.) Jacqueline was my last J.
Really it was J+, I would lean on her strength motivating me not to quit (Jacqueline, you've expressed that you
don't like to hear it, but as far as I'm concerned you are very strong), that I had, but also a more general
hurting, pain that I've had, pain we've shared, pain that so many others have. The last stretch is all out, you
have to forget that you're hurting and push through, you push the end above yourself. I'd count the J's and I'd
be done much sooner than I'd expected. So thanks for being there guys :P

Now that 1.5 miles (1.5 laps) translates to 1.5 "J's," it doesn't really work so well. And I sometimes lose sight of
my J's. Hence the months in between updates here. It's funny coming out of military indoc. You're fit as hell,
quick and efficient. Anything less than perfect is sloppy. Thing is, the military isn't bootcamp. The world moves
slower and the edges are rougher. Still, I've got my corkboard, and I keep you guys on there, because it brings
me back. Like my 4 J's, it gives me some personal accountability. Like if I'm not improving, then I'm letting you
down. If I'm succeeding, you're there with me. I think I need to spend a few minutes a day looking to my left. It
doesn't happen often enough. Y'all are cool, thanks for existing.

K now I'm going to write some garbage poetry.

Xmo5 (02/19/2019 10:46am | Edited: 02/20/2019 08:06am):
So first, an apology. I know it's been a really long time since I've posted and you've had some serious stuff to respond to... so sorry for
being pretty negligent in that regard and leaving you hanging.

Let's talk first about your dad and the letter... there's a lot to unpack there, but honestly I don't know if that's the best way to approach it. I
think you definitely hit the nail on the head with saying that he's "out of his time". While there are definitely people who adapt pretty well to
a changing culture, there are also plenty of others who just don't seem to get it. And I don't mean that as an insult to your dad in any way.
I think he's a perfect example because from his standpoint, none of these things that are "new issues" were ever a problem in the past.
He does a good job being inclusive and non-discriminatory in his actions (through your example of robotics club) and so he doesn't
understand why certain things are a "problem". You just go about life and be a good person, right? Why does anybody need to think so
hard about this stuff or worry about how good of a job everyone else is doing?

Following up on that, from his perspective, that's also what he's been doing all his life. Being confronted with this stuff is probably fairly
foreign to him if he feels that he's always done his best by you (or anyone), which it sounds like he genuinely has for the most part.
Confidence probably has a lot to do with it too. He seems like he's a confident person who's sure of his actions, whereas you are more
likely to second guess things, and I think that has implications in how you each view the situation at hand (and life in general). For you,
life is hard to figure out and you have to think a lot about why things are the way the are or how you should act (I'm much in the same
boat as you in this regard), whereas confidence gives him the benefit of not being bogged down in intricate analysis and meta-analysis of
every situation, cause, and effect in the same way. I feel like that's intrinsically causing a disconnect between you and causing genuine
confusion/paradigm shift for him.

Anyway, I think that probably the best course of action, desipite the hurtful words that he wrote, is to probably address it as calmly and
non-accusatory as possible, making sure to bring up penty of points that show you're on his side throughout. I watched a random video
recently that took a political debate example and showed how careful wording allowed the one debator to voice strong dissenting
opinions very tactfully by sandwiching it between two points of common ground. "Look, I know as well as you that Trump's character is
flawed and that needs to be kept in check, but I think that he's doing a lot of positive things that I do agree with from a policiy standpoint,
including Supreme Court nominees and the border wall. I agree, though, that it's unfortunate that it has to come at the cost of
deteriorating relationships with many of our allies." (I made that example up, it's not from the debate, but that's the jist of it). Using tactics
like that help secure common ground between you and will probably make him more receptive. You're more likely to come off as
genuinely interested in pursuing a good relationship rather than accusatory. I think the same can be said for the SAPR stuff. "I know you
don't mean any offense by it, but there is honestly no ulterior motive in my participation. I have a geniune, empathetic desire to help
improve the lives of others by addressing this very real and traumatic issue. Even if I can't relate through direct personal experience, I've
seen the damage it can cause and anything I can do to help, however miniscule it may be, is worth it to me." So you're disagreeing with
him, but focusing more on how you *do* feel, and less on how he is *wrong* about how you feel.

I don't know if any of that's helpful.. I know it can be a difficult situation to navigate. From personal experience, overcoming perception
discrepancies is a monumental task. My mom has what I consider to be a heavily skewed perception of reality sometimes and it can be
difficult to navigate conversations with her without tripping a landmine sometimes. Similarly, I know you're already aware of how much I
struggled with "Megan" when her mania prevented any semblance of reality from leaking in.

Speaking of Megan... Things are still a bit rocky in her life. We're still cool with each other, but I've been providing as much support as
ever. Just a couple weeks ago, she went through a serious dip, to the point of contemplating suicide. I left work during lunch
(conveniently timed texts on her part) to go to her apartment and talk to her... I'm not really great at these conversations in person.. I
never really know what to say... but anyway, she seemed to think that it helped a bit and I was able to convince her to go up and visit her
family because she just wanted to be surrounded by people who cared about her so her life didn't feel meaningless. (I couldn't get her
family to come down because there were circumstances that prevented it). In exchange, however, I had to move the last of her stuff out
of her old apartment for her, since she had just moved (with my help) the weekend before and needed to return her keys to the old
place... Well, the "last few things" really ended up meaning 6 hours worth of solo work on a day I had mostly set aside for doing a lot of
the much-needed chores around my own house... but alas. At any rate, her dog had been a major issue too, since he was getting old.
Arthritis, a benign tumor that was growing larger by the day, incontinence, lack of a desire to eat (even real chicken and rice), a
$250/month prescription bill, and a progressively more demanding attitude (including waking her up multiple times a night, just because
he wants to be outdoors... not go to the bathroom, just be outdoors). So after much debate she elected to put him down this past
Saturday, which she then took pretty hard as well, but I think she's coming around. She just feels really guilty, as if she put him down for
her own benefit, not his.

Speaking of dogs, isn't it weird how putting a dog down is the "humane" thing to do when they're suffering, but how it's barbaric when it's
a person suffering? Not everyone feels this way, but I think those are the prevailing opinions. Who are we to so hypocritcally think we
know what's best for our dogs but not think that a human capable of rational thought is able to know what's best for themselves in an
analogous situation? You can follow the grey line all the way up to suicide as a result of depression. Not that I'm advocating for suicide,
because I think there is a line to be drawn somewhere, but it's hard to make a logical case for where. In the words of XX, when I was
playing devil's advocate with her on this very topic "You're wrong. I don't know why and I don't know what logic is behind it, but I just know
that you're wrong somewhere in there." Which probably expresses how I feel about my argument better than I could have (which I told
her, of course). Anyway, food for thought, I suppose.

Xmo5 (02/19/2019 10:48am | Edited: 02/20/2019 08:07am):
^^ "Big Yikes"

I blame the editor... it didn't wrap text for me for whatever reason so each paragraph was one long line...
:cringe_kanbei:

Also, welcome Astico, if you make your way over here. Hopefully you can see by some of the comments here
that you don't have to feel too shy about expressing yourself around here. We're here to listen and (hopefully)
help. :)

[Edit] Fixed the formatting nightmare at least... whew.

Astico (02/22/2019 03:10pm):
Hey there, new face around here, Xmo and I were talking about some
stuff and he told me about this place and here I am.

I feel like I should do a little introduction about me.
My name is Jorge, I'm 17 made it 2 weeks ago, I'm Portuguese and I
love playing games!

Took me some time to write here, because I was kinda busy and was
also trying to get the courage to do so.

I was talking with Xmo about how my life is shitty, I got bad grades,
probably won't be anyone in life. My parents are always fighting, I got
some friends but feel like only 1 cares about me, and I have never
seen him, I met him online. Never had a girlfried or someone that
was intrested in me.

The only reason I'm still here is because I don't want to make my
family sad about me suiciding.

Sorry if this got dark and sad quickly but those are the thimgs that I
just wanted to say the most.

Xmo5 (02/22/2019 05:37pm | Edited: 02/22/2019 05:40pm):
Hey, that's what this place is for. I don't have a ton of time for a full response, but if it makes you feel better, I never dated anyone until a few months before I graduated high school (almost 18 years old). I had people I suspected to be interested, but never could work up the courage to ask them out because I was so afraid of being shot down.

It's easy to think you won't be anything in life at your age when there's so much you haven't done yet. It's easy to feel insignificant when you're young and life sort of drags you around without asking your opinion.

It's also hard not to compare yourself to external metrics. "Do I have a girlfriend yet?" "Will I succeed in school?" "Do my friends like me?" etc., but in practice they really aren't good ways to rate or value yourself. Instead they often just give you a convenient way to be critical of yourself, even when a lot of it is actually out of your control.

What sorts of classes are you taking in school? What do you enjoy the most?

Astico (02/22/2019 06:56pm | Edited: 02/24/2019 08:05am):
Just now realized I made 3 posts saying the same thing. *sigh* just
gonna edit this one too.

Astico (02/22/2019 06:56pm | Edited: 02/22/2019 06:57pm):
Oops made 2 post saying the same thing, I don't know if you can
delete posts because I'm new here, so I'm just gonna edit this one
out.

Jackie Milton (02/25/2019 01:25am):
Hey. welcome.

First off, this is your space now to vent or do otherwise, so please don't apologize for
sharing what you need to. And along those lines, it takes a lot to be open yourself up to
total strangers (not to mention yourself). It might not seem like a great victory or
anything, but taking the steps to talk about your demons really shows that you have a lot
of strength.

To build on James's "external metrics," I'll focus on the girlfriend issue. I'm 21 and
I've never had any sort of romantic relationship. I'll be honest, I'm pretty lonely, and I
get how it feels to be missing that from your life (feel free to read any of my above
comments and you might get an idea). But what I want to emphasize to you is that your
worth as a person does not depend on you having a girlfriend or even spouse in the long
term. The social pressure may say otherwise, and it may not say it nicely. In fact it can
really hurt, pain that's real. But your worth as a person is that you exist. That's it.
You are valuable because you are you, not because of some preconceived expectation you're
"supposed to" fulfill.

This isn't some magic pill that cures you forever. I definitely don't expect you to buy
it. I really struggle with believing it myself. But there's no reason it shouldn't be
true. With that said, I ask that you hold onto the idea, and just keep it on the back
burner. Keep it rattling around your brain, especially when everything around you seems to
be proving it wrong.

So there's my "wisdom." take it as you will. I'm not sure you should trust me, but at the
end of the day it's your call. For now at least we're in here together.

I hope it can be as valuable for you as it has for me.

-Duncan

(also with the double posts, if you're going to refresh the page after a comment, click
the green refresh button at the bottom.)

Jackie Milton (02/25/2019 01:25am):
And James, fix your damn formatting, lol. It's exhausting.

Xmo5 (02/25/2019 09:37am):
*sigh* Sorry, it's almost as exhausting to write too. Is it just the most recent post that's screwy?

I think it's my work network blocking certain things, so I have to use MS Edge now, and a somewhat restricted version at that.

I'll see if I can edit from my home computer and repair the post tonight.

Also, welcome to the world of double/triple posts Jorge... Just about everyone does it at some point on AWBW.

Jackie Milton (03/01/2019 01:13am):
James, thanks for the input. I talk about the letter a lot in counseling. "Non-accusatory"
is definitely the tone I want to achieve. I'd like to show you before I put pen to paper,
but I don't really think that's fair regarding his frustration with my sharing this
correspondence even with counselors. I'll try to work on it tonight I think.

Astico (03/03/2019 06:55pm):
Ok so to awnser the questions;
I'm from Eu so I don't know how the educations works there but I'm studying in the course of science and
technology, currently in the 11 grade, some things are pretty fun, but it's the hardest course you can take and I
have not done so great.

What I enjoy doing, well I enjoy playing games, and I also really like game design. And that's it. I think I'm a really
boring person because of that.

Jackie Milton (03/13/2019 01:20am):
Sorry for the 10 day wait. it kinda happens around here. I will say that this place is mostly a resource for self-reflection, but you can expect that either of us will reply.

I'm curious to think what you have to say about what I said earlier... whether you call BS on it or not.

I will wholeheartedly admit that I have the privilege of have both my education payed for and having a job in the navy once I graduate. So with that said, I think you should pursue something you enjoy. I don't know what the demand for game design in particular is, but if I had to guess, it might be subject to the issues of pursuing art in general -- however, there is a lot of work available in the cyber/computer science realms. i.e. programming and software development. Both of which are integral to game design. The point I'm making is that you should consider the periphery careers of game design to establish a good base of skills. When I was in your position, I wanted to be an archaeologist. I talked to a few and they said: "unless you want to live in a van forever pick a primary career and consider archaeology second. Maybe consider that thought. Not saying its right, but it put me where I am now.

Regarding not doing well. you won't be great at everything. However, you can always ask for help. for tutoring, you would certainly have to pay, but don't discount the opportunity. Alternatively, you (probably) have some smarter classmates. There is no shame in asking them to help you. I will say that I am totally unfamiliar with the culture of portugal, but I would hope that you have some classmates willing to lend a hand.

I hope any of that helps

Jackie Milton (05/14/2019 10:26pm):
Quick update (I guess... depends when I finish writing what's on my mind), I finally replied to my dad. At the very least, I think I've developed a lot of rhetorical skill; my literature study, I think, has given me the tools to develop a thought despite what an author intends. That is to say, I've taken my dad's word for what he had written, and then grew my own thoughts from that. I made sure to establish that what I said followed the logic of my initial assumptions whether or not my father intended to convey what he wrote. So in that sense, the letter was a much for me as it was for him; I wrote how I felt in response to *some* of his assertions as written. I was home for the past couple days and it was good to talk briefly with him about my response. In the letter I said a lot about my strange sort of hypercriticallity/suicidal ideation of my elementary school days, and he said it was hard for him to read. But he was happy that I was honest about it, and said he "enjoyed" that honesty. That was pretty successful I think. I was anticipating he would be super sensitive about it, but he seems not to be particularly offended, which is good I think.

In my letter, my only attempt was to make some bridges. I started by relating my high school situation of feeling that if I eventually got a girlfriend, then I could justify killing myself maturely, with an experience my dad shared during the same time. I don't remember if I talked about that much here, but it was a significant part of my adolescence nonetheless. I eventually brought up this place, and how significant it was to me. How horrified I was by what Jacqueline wrote, but moreso the things she wrote that were identical to the thoughts in my own head. This isn't news, obviously, but I framed into how I determined the things I valued in my life based on coming here and sharing it with Jacqueline.

I think he appreciated my fleshing out of my situation here. He certainly tried to backtrack on the hurtful things he said about my doing SAPR. I believe him, but it still hurts, what he has said, and I didn't cover all of it -- what I mentioned in an earlier post. Along those lines, I'm back for my 3rd round of training. It's pretty grounding. I try to remember when I first came here. How horrible I felt for Jacqueline, and then how in some ways I felt the same. I'd like to say I've grown from then. Maybe I have, but if I could, I would start over. I don't know what would change, but I'm afraid I've pushed Jacqueline away. I messaged her reddit almost two years ago, sent her multiple emails, and wrote a few comments on one of her unpublished maps. I overstepped my bounds trying to lean on her support. I'm sorry for that. And I'm especially sorry if I've made you feel unsafe. If I were to start again, I would reassess our relationship. I think it's fair to say that I obsess(ed) about you, and perhaps that really made you uncomfortable. This was never my intention... I guess I thought we would both work to help each other be happy... but I came in unannounced and took over. I miss you, but I can understand the aversion to coming back. Either with me here, or the fact that the whole website has changed.

With that tangent aside, I think the SAPR stuff is primarily what's keeping me in the military. I've been sucked into commie youtube and critical theory in which I can't fathom the US military as being anything other than an imperialist force of destruction. I can;t really change it from within, because I would at least have to believe in its cause. But maybe I do. I believe somewhat in national security, I believe that some other countries pose a global threat that would be worse than U.S. supremacy, but what can I do. I love being in the navy, I love my opportunity, I love the idea of commanding a ship, but who am I helping? Billionaires subjugating the 3rd world? Probably, but I hope we're doing some positive things. Combating sexual assault in the military is a good cause, I think. Doesn't seem to be going away any time soon... I don't know. The world sucks. Somethings are good. Friends are good. Love is good. Things seem to only be getting shittier... destroying the earth, rise of white nationalism... Is all that matters the change I make in my own life and the change I make in those around me? It might as well be. I've never said I'm a good person. I don't know what that means, but I would still refuse to believe I was "good." I'm trying, perhaps not as hard as I can, but I'm trying.

Training homework for tonight: When is it a good idea to have sex?
Obviously when both (or all) people want it, though it should consider age and vulnerability (alcohol/drugs etc.) . But *I* really don't know. I feel like I'm missing an experience most of my peers have had, and I think I really only have myself to blame. I don't know. I shouldn't have any obligation to have sex/romantic partners to feel whole. But I feel so alone. I don't ask anyone on dates, [continued]

Jackie Milton (05/14/2019 11:06pm):
so what excuse do I have? Am I to busy with school? Am I too scared to be rejected? Am I actually so horrible, I don't want anyone to associate with me? All of the above, I guess. Sometimes I think I'm cute, if I do my hair right, and I'm looking at the right angle. But I mostly just hate myself. I think I've been dressing better. Mostly masculine styles, but also a lot of pink n stuff. The navy will let me use clear nail polish. But honestly, that would probably be a turnoff for straight girls... like I would know what that means. I guess I'm so stuck finding ways to like myself, that I've completely forgone the idea of anyone liking me. That would seem true, because no one has really approached me. So when is it a good idea to have sex? Anytime for me... very embarrassing to be a virgin, even though that shouldn't necessarily be the case. But probably never for me... the risk of spilling my genes into society could be dangerous. Sorry for the edge, that's one of my half-jokes. Like I only kinda mean it. Maybe some fucking idiot will see something positive about me and decide to do something about it. Meanwhile, maybe I should put myself more out there. Tough to promote safe and respectful sex, when I haven't done any of it myself. I'm just as fake here as I am anywhere else. I'm a little less embarrassed to be me when I'm trashed (like right now), but that's pretty unhealthy. I don't like the idea of dying, really, seems like a waste anyhow. But sometimes it seems like the best way to deal with me. Sorry if I'm being negative... maybe I should just write some more ambiguous poetry. Either way, It would be nice to see some more activity in here, perhaps asking too much as I obviously am not consistent....

Anywhomst, sorry that I'm me. Come chat n stuff. I guess that's it.

Xmo5 (07/15/2019 10:07pm):
"Either way, It would be nice to see some more activity in here, perhaps asking too much as I obviously am not consistent...."

I'm sorry... I know you deserve a response and I've quite frankly been a terrible friend lately. I keep telling myself to get
around to this and get myself feeling guilty because it's not fair to you and then the guilt somehow paradoxically keeps me
from ever coming to post in the first place. I don't know, I can't explain it because it's not rational and it doesn't matter
anyway because it's not an excuse.

I haven't been in the best place lately, to be entirely honest. I actually went through a period where I wondered if I was
actually depressed, and it still feels that way from time to time. Part of it feels like it came out of nowhere, but the triggering
event was undoubtedly related to WarGroove. I've been pouring a ton of time and effort into this tournament we're running
right now and it's been a major hit for the most part. We just came up on the top 8 recently and suddenly everything started
falling apart at once. Randomly around this time, there started to be a lot of questionable discourse cropping up in
conversation that I had to consistently monitor and moderate, sometimes keeping an eye on conversation for hours at a
time. Then, the main organizer for the tournament who's been streaming matches and lining up matches between opponents
was suddenly pulled away by the unexpected death of his friend's sister, which left more work for the rest of us at a time
when I was already putting in around 30 hours a week for this. In the meantime, one of these finals matches had just run up
to the deadline and got generously extended. For extremely complicated reasons I don't have time to explain, the
rescheduled match wasn't played on time and there were shortcomings on both sides that made it very unclear whether
either player should be disqualified or both. Ultimately I ended up (with input of other team members) making a really tough
call that I felt to be in the best interest of keeping players happy and letting the actual gameplay decide the winner. Naturally,
both players thought I was too lenient towards the other but agreed to play; the tournament was delayed because of this.
Oh, and did I mention that I had to do all of the negotiating and explaining to one of the players in Spanish because he's
from Spain? As if it wasn't already stressful enough. Then, the straw that broke the camel's back was a sudden bout of
criticism towards the tournament organization and the maps that were selected. Nothing constructive, just a few people
dumping on the whole staff, process, and maps and acting indignant to and pushback. That was pretty much it for me and
something snapped, not in a violent way, but quite the opposite. I just... broke. I lost all motivation to do anything and I just
wanted to curl up in a ball. For about a week, nothing really made me happy and I just wanted to lay in bed all day, but I
couldn't sleep if I tried. Sometimes just responding to people took such an effort that I almost didn't.

Anyway, I feel a lot better now, but it still creeps back in every now and again. I don't think the WarGroove stuff was the sole
cause, but I really don't know what else could have contributed. All I know is that at the time it sucked so much to watch
something I cared so much about and put so much effort into be blatantly treated with such disregard and irreverence by the
intended audience. All of that to say that this must be exactly how you feel as I do the same to you here. You're a good
person and a great friend and you don't deserve to be treated like this. I just suck and I'm sorry...

Now that I'm done moping and reflecting on my own inadequacies... I'm glad that things seemed to have smoothed over with
your dad in the aftermath of his letter. I know that sucked, so the fact that you were both able to carry on past it is great to
hear, even if it does still leave some lingering pain for you.

As far as sex and relationships are concerned, I'll say that sex is fine provided consent and appropriate protection, but keep
in mind that in addition to being relieving, enlightening, and reassuring, it can complicate things too. In other words, it can
leave you feeling disproportionately or unhealthily invested or paradoxically intensify the craving because now it feels
attainable. Anyway, there are whole host of potential ways it can cause problems so, while you should do what you think is
best, keep that in mind going in.

I'd also say, don't put your self worth in sex and relationships, but I know you already know that and I know it's not nearly that
simple.

Alright, I think that's all I have for now... Sorry there wasn't much meat on this one. I'll try to post more regularly.

Jackie Milton (09/02/2019 02:15am):
Hey, It's been a hot second. Stop with the "terrible friend" stuff. For whatever you've done, I've probably done worse. I'm distant, I hardly keep in touch.... you get the point.

As usual for my recent posts, I'm a little bit sloshed. Alcohol has become a significant part of my weekends; I don't really feel like I used to about it.That is to say that, I don't necessarily feel bad about myself after drinking. I think that's a good thing, but I'm basically out at the bars every weekend. I'm with good friends and good people, and I really do enjoy it, but I hope I'm not getting addicted... I had a great sober night playing racquetball with a firend. What a fun game, honestly. I think I'm going to try to do more of that in the future.

Alcoholism aside, I'm doing ok. classes are fun, but I'm sad that this is my last year... time moves so quick now. And regarding quick time, It's been more than a year since I've contacted Jacqueline in any way. I tried so send an email, but her old email is dead. If you're still reading this, just know that you're still in my thoughts and on my corkboard.

In other recent news, I have a friend who is terminally ill. This si something that has been the case for a while, but more recently he's done a head dive into (essentially) right-wing conspiracy. Very Jewish question, very fascist. It's thrown me for a loop and I really don't know how to deal with it. I try to point out inconsistencies in his arguements, bur he always backpedals to something else. It's frustrating to talk to him when he lies or posts misinformation. Idk, it's hard to deal with.

I', about to fall asleep, so I'll ;eave the rest for when I'm sober.

Jackie Milton (09/16/2019 01:23am):
Alright update time.

So a few things on my mind. And some of it might be a little gross. So Proceed with caution ye whomst enter here. First one is something generally more positive. So I did it... the uh, the sex thing. So that's one check off the bucket list... heh. Anyway, it was a good enough experience. I'll save the details, but it's certainly something I've been self-conscious about for a while, which isn't exactly fair to me, but there's a lot of social pressure for holders of the Y chromosome to do the sex thing. And for me specifically, the idea of sex and relationships has weighed really heavily on how I viewed my place in the world; I was (maybe am) concerned that I can't function as a person and don't deserve a place in society. Obviously extreme, but performing heterosexuality (as it were) is a big part of that. So I'm glad about that, and I think the woman who dropped her standards down a well had a good time too. Which honestly given the circumstances, I'm still at a loss: The previous weekend we were heading a similar direction, but she had too much to drink. I was trying to get her home safe, but had no clue how to get her there, so an older lady who had been laughing at our gross display of PDA offered to take her for a walk. Little did I know, the lady just left her to walk off into the night, she eventually fell and woke up the next day in the hospital... I feel super shitty about that, but she apparently didn't hold it against me too much. This past weekend was obviously much more coherent for both of us, and no hospital visit. It was a bit of strange experience though. Like it was nice to be really intimate like that, but there was a big emotional connection missing I think. Like I've had very non-sexual experiences that just make me feel good -- my highschool crush resting her head on my shoulder and falling asleep, a little kiss on the cheek from one of my guy friends when we were alone, even tonight, a company mate. who I'm honestly not close with at all, came up behind me tonight hugged me pretty tight, then she kissed the top of my head... idk, those all felt *really* good. I mean between these scenarios and the sex having, They all made me feel wanted. But idk, the others make me feel trusted and loved? Life is complicated, I hope I'm doing things right.

As a slight tangent to this story, I'm now quite a bit more confident in myself, and I'm really comfortable in dropping the more masculine presentation. Obviously, I can't get away from the gendered demands of the military, but I still think boy stuff is dumb, gen(d)erally speaking. A classmate offered to teach me how to put on nail polish. The navy actually lets me have clear polish, which is cool. I like feeling cute. The girl this weekend called me "adorable" a bunch. That's honestly pretty reaffirming. Not sure how far I can take this (either my limits or the navy's), but I definitely feel much more like myself, whatever that means, of course.

The saga of the fascist friend continues. I talked about it in counseling, and speaking of which my new counselor is pretty good. He asks a lot of hard questions. Really getting me to think about my decisions specifically why do I keep stringing these conversations along at the detriment to my own sanity. At some level, it's forcing me to leanr more about my own opinons and perspectives, but a lot of it is trying to deflect ad hominim and galaxy brain takes. One of the less severe ones is that he complained that calling him a "flat earther" is ad hominem, but he literally rejects the heliocentric model... *sigh* It's like fascists care about how people use words, but there are no rules for them, language is "liberal academia" whatever that means. I did find some solace in that he has been bothering some of my other friends. While shitty way to get back in touch, it's nice to reconnect. At some level, I just want this guy to die in peace, but I feel obligated to try and help him, but he's too far gone. Pretty sad tbh.But it's really distracting. It's like I can't think about anything else but replying to these stupid takes, then it's hard to get work done. I might have some sort of disorder or legit anxiety problem, idk. I guess I'll update if anything significant happens.

So something positive. Maybe this counts a little. I've got my interview at Naval reactors in a month. I chose to go Surface Warfare Nuclear, so I get a tour on a regular surface ship, got back to school, then it's carrier basement time. Of course my thoughts about the military are complicated, but holy shit do I love the ocean, and I think I have the potential to be a good leader and role model. Only time will tell, but It's def something I'm excited about now.

Thanks, bye

Jackie Milton (03/04/2020 12:24am):
Yeesh. Hell of a lot of time for an update. I always say I will be better about journaling in here, and I'm not sure if I can ever commit to anything (you know, except 9 years of my life to the Navy). It's even more frustrating that I'm only brought back here with a quick burst of nostalgia and longing. But here I am. That's what matters.

I think that's the main theme of how I'm feeling at the moment. I put things off, I get anxious, overwhelmed. When other people are involved I feel embarrassed that I have to apologize for putting them lower on my list of priorities. Yet on the other hand, I know that I can act "now." I'm currently the Sexual Assault Response peer resource for a company that isn't my own. It's tough. And I've really not been doing a great job of showing face around company spaces, I say I'm available, but I don't think I've made myself available enough. Difficult to say. My roommate broke down the other night talking about how a few of his friends disclosed their sexual assaults to him. That was me. Here, 5 or so years ago. I knew how to respond I knew how he felt. That's why I'm here. And I'm glad to have been able to be someone he could open up those feelings about. I just know that the folks upstairs will never have that relationship with me, even if I were more present. At any rate, I got off my ass and gave each class a Spring Break safety brief. I think it met pretty good response. I work in humor when appropriate, I address things head on. I might be a little fidgety, awkward, nervous, but I know my stuff. And I project that I care. No one told me to give these presentations, and I made them myself. I know it sounds like I'm patting myself on the back. In a way I am. Because the alternative was that I would say nothing to my folks as they depart on Spring Break. It's a low bar, I admit, but it took a lot out of me today. I was pretty anxious going in knowing that they don't know me very well, that my humor might land poorly, or that my intent would be ill-understood. But I feel like they received it well.

Big ramble, I know, but it represents my general feelings right now. I shift from anxiety and uselessness to action and competence. Some stressors are up and some are down. Because I have a lot more responsibility, but I'm also getting used to my environment. I'm excited for my future, but sad to leave college. Side note (or maybe not. Who knows when I'm finished): I realize how dated that last post was, and I'm happy to say I passed my interview with the Admiral, and this January picked a destroyer out of Japan. Way back Plebe Summer time, I remember Jacqueline saying something about being worried about me on the front lines. Well, this is probably the closest I'll get. It's about to be real time, and I can only hope things remain chill over there. Sure I may be a pawn at the hands of war profiteers, complicit in international war crimes (too harsh?), but obviously that's not why I want this, why I'm excited, happy per*hap*s. My selfish side loves the ocean despite being afraid to drown (did you know that destroyers can heel to 120 degrees (topside fully submerged) and go right back to normal? well the can), I love the naval aesthetic, life at sea, the opportunity to explore and see the world, meet new people(s), gobble up hard-earned American tax dollars. The other side of me is excited about working with the people, extending my capacity for compassion, helping people through the difficult challenges of Navy living, to develop myself as a citizen of the world, utilize my clout and sway to help effect change whenever I leave the Navy. It's messy. But I've never had my shit together anyway. So here I am. Both relieved and tense. Together and a mess.

One awful thing in my life has been Reddit and social media. I've been sucked into a lot of Leftist content creators (can't you tell?) on youtube, so I tend to binge videos. But Reddit has been the worst thing. I made a new year's resolution to not use it. I was good for a while, but I'm honestly an addict. I smoke ciggies from time to time, and this constant feed of "people saying wrong things" is so much worse for my health. I just get pulled into comment threads, gobble up news, stumble into nazi caves over and over again. Vicious cycle. And because it's so related, I'm worried about this election. The realist in me says Trump gets another term... I sure would prefer the case be an alternative scenario. Sanders excited me. He gives a shit, and has for decades. I think his hypothetical presidency would instill in me some genuine American pride -- that a diverse coalition of Americans can come together to push against the status quo. Would he be able to accomplish anything? Hard to say, but it would show a revolutionary spirit core to the American myth, and I feel that it would set very exciting precedents. I might be overzealous, but I think it's a good dream to have. And so I'm nervous, and the media feeds me things to be [cut]

Jackie Milton (03/04/2020 12:32am):
[paste] nervous about. So I've got to work on cutting these things that gobble up my time to be creative, be professional, and be a leader. And it's not Reddit's fault (although it is built in a very specific way), it's mine. I need to work on my willpower, and pour into my books while I still have the time.

Ok. Well I'm on my fourth listen of the AW2 SCOP theme as is the ritual for writing these comments. Time moves fast, folks. I miss you and you're all still here (kinda). It's the memories though. I know it won't ever be like how it was when I stumbled in here, or the well-thought well-paced therapy with James. But that's not a bad thing. It can always be something else, something new. Nerve-racking, exciting.

(But I'll still play the AW2 theme in the background)

Jackie Milton (05/16/2020 12:39am):
I had all quarantine to journal and whatever, but as usual I'm putting off everything to the last
minute. As I'm writing this, I'm still finishing up my final English project, even though the
semester is over. So I'm convincing myself this is important too.

I commission officially in a week, and unofficially in the next couple days. My Naval Academy
career is basically over. (Oddly enough the 22nd is also the anniversary of my finding this
place). I've flipped through here about four years ago, and now find myself, once again, on the
cusp of change. I'm equally excited and equally nervous, now for different reasons. So before I
dig in to why I'm crying, I'd like to address some things I brought up all that time ago. First, I still
draw my motivation for military success from here, from you. I'm a bit less naive about the
goodness of this organization, but "serving my country" means serving my people, my friends,
my family. I'm most excited about leadership, to continue my role as someone who is
emotionally and technically available for my help. Am I a better person after four years? I think
according to my high school self I have become much better at "being a person." I still have
shortcomings, but my relationship with my folks has gotten much better, and the conceptions I
have about myself are much more solid. I think I am a good person, but that doesn't mean I
don't have room to grow, I still need it, and the realities of the fleet will put me to the test. At this
point I expect a few things, bullshit, bosses, and bullies. The military is internally inefficient and
destructive. And honestly, that's ok. I am ready to face it, and I will face it with you all in my
heart.

Now why am I crying? I've been with the same group of people the past four years. Even the
ones I really don't like are far closer to me than many of my old friends back home. Being the
room whore of my company, I've roomed with most of the other men, and have gotten to know
them well. It's unfortunate that the inherent gender segregation puts a sort of distance between
me and my female classmates, because I was only really starting to make close connections
with a few of them. All this is to say that I will miss them so fucking much. It's like we grew up
together. These people have been a part of my everyday life from the moment I had to
memorize their names and hometowns to the day we said goodbye for spring break. Now that
we've spent most of this semester apart, it's only now starting to hit hard. If I am to take any
thing away from these past for years, it's the value of friendship (and free healthcare, I guess). I
know it's cheesy, but dammit it's real. I love them to death, and I'm as sappy as ever. I think I'll
write them a poem now that I'm in the crying mood.

And don't forget that I love you guys too.

Jackie Milton (05/16/2020 12:40am):
Btw, James, years ago I complained about your novels. *I really didn't mean it*

Xmo5 (05/16/2020 10:49pm):
I'm a bad person. I'll get to this someday, I promise!!

Jackie Milton (05/18/2020 11:52pm):
Nope. (To the first part)
I'm just afraid of my own echo chamber.

Jackie Milton (05/19/2020 05:19pm | Edited: 05/20/2020 07:00am):
Hey Jacqueline, I think it's ok that you aren't the same. I mean, it's probably best that you aren't,
right? (Not to say there was anything wrong with the old you, because you were good and kind
to me when I really needed it). My point is just that you are allowed to be a different person. I
suspect my perception of the old you has been grating for you (or maybe I'm projecting), but I
don't want you to feel held to a standard you have no interest in being held to. In any case I think
it's fair for you to distance yourself from that image, for any reason. Not that you
need my permission, or blessing, or approval for any of this. I just want to say you are welcome
here any time and that your presence is valued, no matter how much has changed.

If you want to stick around, I'm interested in meeting the new you. But please don't feel
pressured into staying if you don't want to.

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 08:04am):
I'm not here to stay.

I just remembered an abusive person on AWBW. They probably left years ago, but if they come back: Don't trust Autumn Storm.

The others don't matter any more. I don't care much about the guy who joked about rape. Or that guy who liked to argue with me. Or that other guy who liked to argue with me. Or that weird guy who kept reverting my great edits on the AWBW wiki. Or that rude guy who complained about me not taking my turns fast enough in a game I wasn't even into when I was working full time + over time as a single mom as if I don't know what my priorities should be. Or that guy who called me "nyvelion scumbag/estupido" a lot with gratuitous Spanish.

Autumn Storm lied to me and Yuki Kitsune to end our friendship when I started helping Yuki Kitsune. As much as I've been trying to be good at standing up for myself, I did it at the wrong time. Autumn Storm is the abuser and should have been stopped. That's my only real regret here. That I didn't help solve the real problem, that I didn't see it sooner, and that when I did see it, I didn't do anything about it because I assumed it was too late. Abusers must be stopped.

Thank you very much for your work with SAPR.

A lot has been said here and I doubt I'll have time to reply to it all, that just stood out.
Did it even though there was some pushback... yeah, it doesn't seem like that should even be a thing, but that's a common experience. Keep doing the right thing anyway. That's been part of my policy on AWBW anyway. Keep doing what's right even if some people don't like it. If something is wrong, it must be made right. Sounds like you're doing great. And you really don't have to worry about "I suspect my perception of the old you has been grating for you" when I'm the one who almost has a split personality from trying to hold onto my past self from before that one day.

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 12:52pm | Edited: 05/29/2020 01:12pm):
Was trying to finally put AWBW, and many other things, in the past, but regret and failure create powerful memories apparently.

Maybe also I had some fear that I was going to fail you guys too like I failed YK before you joined AWBW.
I don't want to be tricked by a bad person into turning against a potential friend again. Something irl reminded me of that happening here. Dealing with bad people is easier because I don't have to care what they think of me... talking to good people is harder, don't want to disappoint. Should have done it earlier, got too distracted by the bad person, should have taken care of the good person better even though that was harder. Got too afraid of dealing with it earlier because it would have meant admitting that it went wrong the first time. Failures are hard to admit. Anger at another person who caused the problem was easier. Wasn't ideal, should have fixed the problem.

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 01:17pm):
I don't think you could have ever met them, but YK was really messed up by something that happened to them, I could tell. I thought I could help. Seemed like I actually was. Was happy to help. If the abuser didn't put an end to that, I think I could have really done a lot of good.

Hard to get this out of my mind, I wanted to fix this, and I don't like to give up on things that I start. Unless they get boring or something.

Jackie Milton (05/29/2020 01:27pm | Edited: 06/10/2020 11:09pm):
I can understand that, and as hard as it is for me to see your words gone, I cannot fault you for tying up loose ends.
Speaking of, we have an Autumn in the discord right now. [And I just looked this up] She has claimed to be the same Autumn
Storm from the olden days. If you want some confrontation/resolution, I could try to help open that avenue for you. [And now,
after some expert sleuthing] I was able to find Yuki Kitsune, who is very willing to chat. Here is her discord user: [redacted]

I'm going to blabber about myself, but I'll probably wait a day or so. Thanks for your support, I hope I can hold myself to that
level of integrity. And I am doing well, all things considered.

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 01:51pm | Edited: 05/29/2020 02:11pm):
Autumn is around? I was less certain about the "coward" part, but now I'm more sure since she never responded. Just a surprise that someone with no interest in Advance Wars would spend time here. That seems like a big part of AWBW. Why was she even here, just a waste of space. Spent more time insulting me on the old forums than doing anything AW related.

Well that one is less important. People here really got into discord? Guess I need to learn how to use that again. I think I was annoyed by that program when I tried it last, but it's been awhile and now I forgot. What does "who is very willing to chat" mean though? Is there something else I should know? I procrastinated this long, may as well listen for information first before jumping in. My hope is that I was right, and YK realized it long ago and we can both admit to being poor communicators who both got used by Autumn in the past, but it's possible that that's not it. A little worrying that both exist on AWBW. If the answer is going to be "It's too late" then that will be slightly disappointing... though unfortunately understandable.

...and YK is a "her" then? I wasn't sure which to use and didn't want to get it wrong, so I didn't try to guess. I think I remember that being ambiguous before. I was semi-sure Autumn and Yuki were in a "relationship" at some point, so I thought they would be different genders... at least until remembering that not all of them are that way, I don't have any weird religious problem with that aspect, just trying not to guess that especially when there are some people who use "gay" as an insult still.

Jackie Milton (05/29/2020 02:15pm):
Oh. I just assumed "she." I could very well be wrong. here's the discord convo:

1:11 PM] Jackie Milton: Hi. You don't know me, but I'm from the awbw server. Am I correct that you played a long time ago?
[1:11 PM] Octavia: yeah a long time ago
[1:12 PM] Octavia: i went by Kitsune or YukiKitsune
[1:13 PM] Jackie Milton: and were you friends with Nyvelion at some point?
[1:13 PM] Octavia: yeah
[1:13 PM] Octavia: she was nice
[1:13 PM] Octavia: i liked her
[1:14 PM] Jackie Milton: ok. sorry if I'm being weird. I'm not try to stir up any sort of drama but I think she would want you to
see this
[1:14 PM] Jackie Milton: https://isndev.forumotion.co.uk/t657p25-who-s-still-here-roll-call?nid=1#5635
isndev.forumotion.co.uk
Who's still here? :Roll Call: - Page 2
Ye, It's been about a day, though the site was very down a couple days ago, but otherwise I guess it's been chugging along.
The little website that could. Or ma

[1:14 PM] Jackie Milton: it would be the last post
[1:15 PM] Jackie Milton: I currently have no consistent way to contact her, but if you (and she) wanted, I could try to connect
you two
[1:17 PM] Octavia: i dont mind if you want to pass on my information to her somehow
[1:18 PM] Octavia: i never knew about anything like this
[1:18 PM] Octavia: and its been so long since i talked to nyv last
[1:19 PM] Jackie Milton: me too, tbh. But I believe I can can get that info to her today
[1:19 PM] Octavia: that is a bit of a slap in the face to me i remember i was really hurt back then
[1:19 PM] Jackie Milton: yeah, and sorry for messaging out of the blue like this.
[1:20 PM] Jackie Milton: do you mind if I put your discord user on an unpublished awbw map?
[1:20 PM] Octavia: im not hurtting from it anymore but someone else eventually did im wondering if they thought the same
way
[1:20 PM] Jackie Milton: as ridiculous as it is, that's how I talk to her these days....
[1:21 PM] Octavia: if you like as long as others dont really see it
[1:22 PM] Jackie Milton: it would be her and one other person who she and I trust very much
[1:23 PM] Octavia: im just surprised she remembers me

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 02:43pm | Edited: 05/29/2020 03:11pm):
I was nice? Yeah, that was the intent. Perhaps YK did come to the same conclusion as me then. Or "Octavia"? I guess YK is a she then. Though I'm not sure if that's too cool a name to be a real one. I take pride in my name, sometimes to an intentionally silly extent, but it would be a lot better if I was like Artemis or Desna or something.

You say sorry as much as I do sometimes when I'm talking to people I don't want to disappoint, maybe that's part of why I like you and find you relatable.

Huh... I guess it does seem silly to communicate this way. That kinda started as an accident. And I didn't think anyone would still be active here, I was just... cleaning up. To get that off my mind.

Slap in the face... really wish it was 100% clear what that was referring to, I thought "was" would be the proper word there if referring to the past. Probably the past. I only have a justified grudge against the abuser. YK is just another victim of that, like me. I see that now. I saw that before, but didn't want it to seem like I was easily fooled.

Really hurt back then... yeah, I did too. Felt betrayed. Didn't know that was a lie we were both led to believe.

...someone else eventually did what? Thought the same way about what? Must be vague speak because it was to you, guess I have to brave this to get a straight answer directly.

Surprised I remember her... I suppose to be fair I really don't have a great memory for people. I have a great memory of those who have wronged me ever since a revelation after that one day that I wasn't going to let anyone do anything bad to me again without fighting back, which made me remember the one who interfered out of jealousy when I got a reminder of that elsewhere that doesn't matter right now.

Well thank you for this. And for asking her permission to share like that, when something is sent in a private message it should stay that way unless you ask and get permission like that. Sorry, not going to shoot the messenger here, just bad memories of being surprised to find out that AWBW game press messages don't stay private after completion. I can only call out Autumn in public because she first started this in public on the forum and on pre-discord IRC. This part is currently in more private status.

I think I missed the "very willing" feeling, but I guess willing is enough. That first part is still promising. I think YK/Octavia knows I was in the right, one doesn't typically say "[Person] is nice, I liked them" otherwise.

Xmo5 (05/29/2020 03:00pm):
Just lurking, but thought I'd chime in to say that communicating via comments on an old, unpublished AWBW map is definitely
one of the coolest means of communication ever.

Jackie Milton (05/29/2020 03:04pm):
Yeah, I think I jumped the gun a bit on the "very willing" part. I was just really excited to find them so quickly. And yeah, I'm just
very nervous about overstepping my boundaries (because I do it anyway...). So, assuming this person is a woman (not that this
doesn't happen to others), I really did not want to make them feel attacked, or stalked or w/e. Because the circumstances
would be very suspicious if I received a message like this.

Jackie Milton (05/29/2020 03:04pm):
This will be one for the historians.

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 03:15pm):
Well I wanted to be a famous singer originally, but I guess this place which was just supposed to be an alternative to having things saved on my hard drive and then kinda changed to something I definitely did not plan for will have to do.

Xmo5 (05/29/2020 03:24pm):
They're basically the same thing if you squint hard enough.

Nyvelion (05/29/2020 05:06pm | Edited: 05/29/2020 05:08pm):
I haven't read every word here that was posted since I was last here, because it's a lot, but I tried to catch up at least somewhat. First impression, I think the three of us are very similar in many ways. Some people say "opposites attract". I kinda prefer people I understand. You two make sense to me. We all even worry about being a bad friend to each other the same way. ...it's actually kinda weird hearing it from someone else. But I understand it.

Some specific parts

--A duck is a duck, no matter his quack... ...A joke is a joke, no matter how funny,

I feel like this should remind me of a certain map comment, but I can't remember it now.

The others don't remind me of anything, but I like all the new rhymes. I always read those out loud.

--it's probably closer to Hero Syndrome than anything else.

That's it! That's the name of the thing that got me into this situation in the first place, deciding I was going to be the one to help. I do hate feeling useless. If that helps someone else who deserves it, great! Usually, that's the end result.

--Zeronix (03/11/2018 04:38am | Edited: 03/11/2018 04:39am):
...okay seriously, how is it this easy to find this map. Did I really misjudge that badly the number of people who would show up, which was originally supposed to be 0. Zeronix didn't say anything wrong, though he didn't say anything for me to reply to either, I'm just confused. I guess it doesn't matter any more now.
Then there's Astico... yeah, he belonged here too. I was trying to get back on topic with this page here but this is just reminding me of what I did, trying to help someone who seemed to need help, this guy's situation is so similar to Yuki's back then... whatever, I see there were parts where you'd be in more of a position to help than I would be here. I hope you were successful. Bad situation there.

--I was fortunate in that my parents paid for my college education and that I had a natural, strong aversion to alcohol, people, and partying.

That's certainly the safe route, I've found that all of those can lead to still having regrets a decade later. The alcohol, the people, and the partying. And arguably the college education for some, but that wasn't my experience.

This fascist friend saga, now there's something we would have handled differently. I'd have probably just dropped them off of my friends list. Terminal or not. I'd only feel bad about being their friend in the first place if I had reason to believe that I should have seen it earlier but failed to.
Some people say that you shouldn't do that over political issues, but I'm pretty sure if someone starts believing that some of my friends are inferior because of how they were born, then that person does not get to be my friend. Only get to judge people by their actions. I don't care if they're black, gay, left handed, deaf, or asthmatic, none of that matters. Those who do care about that, seem to have been revealing themselves far more openly since the last US presidential election.
I probably know more people than the average person though, maybe that does make it easier to be picky? Never have to go far out of my way to find someone who wants to talk. Can always try to go for quantity first, and then narrow down based on quality.

--I'll say that sex is fine provided consent and appropriate protection

Not sex if it's not consensual.
There was one of those meme things going around in a group I'm in, I forget the punchline but it said something about how a boxing match is not a boxing match if one of them didn't agree to participate in the fight, that's just assault.

--*waves at Jacqueline* feel free to join us, if you'd like. We're just blabbering.

I think that's how this all started, so I certainly can't criticize.

--Maybe "haha (but not really) crossdressing" is for next year.

You can try, just make sure they know it's you before you suddenly get a pay cut, have to work twice as hard to get the same respect, start getting unwanted comments from creeps that they excuse as "compliments" and "jokes", become unable to show any emotion around those who will dismiss you as hysterical if you do, and start to doubt which guys like you for who you are and which ones interpret any amount of attention as "leading them on" as if "hi" is flirting, though that last one might go away over time.

Not sure if I should comment on the Y chromosome social pressure problem. It just reminds me that someday someone needs to explain why men are supposed to not be virgins, women are supposed to stay virgins, and the only obvious solution, having men all be homosexual, is also out apparently. It's a system that's doomed to shame a significant amount of people.

There's other stuff you both talked about that is not appropriate to try to respond to with a quick message like this, or otherwise shouldn't be brought up again now, so I think I'm done for now. Also apparently there's a character limit that I'm approaching. Probably 5000.

Xmo5 (05/29/2020 05:38pm):
Yeah, I think we all have a healthy (unhealthy?) (UF FF (unfair funfair)) degree of self consciousness when it comes to stuff
like this. I can agree that, for as much as "opposites attract" may have it's place, being able to bond over deeper connections
like that means so much more in the long run to me. It just fees like you understand someone else on a more fundamental,
human level and there's something poignant about it.

This is the map you're looking for, by the way: https://awbw.amarriner.com/prevmaps.php?maps_id=67312

A map's a map, no matter how small. Duncan's ingenious format that carried us through too many poems and map
comments to count.

As far as finding the map, I think the only people who stumbled upon this sacred ground were the people who came across
a user profile that had Guan_Yunchang's profile listed as the last page viewed. (The exception being Astico who was here
by invitation) Since then, the map was unpublished by Walker and the "last page viewed" feature was removed altogether,
so I doubt that anyone would stumble across this again unless they're randomly trolling through map IDs (Rough math says
that's about a 0.0012% chance if the map ID is selected randomly) Speaking of Astico, I did talk to him briefly in PMs in
February and he seemed to be doing better than before, so that's good at least.

- I don't care if they're black, gay, left handed, deaf, or asthmatic, none of that matters.

Hear, hear

- Not sex if it's not consensual.

Hear, hear!

-It just reminds me that someday someone needs to explain why men are supposed to not be virgins, women are supposed
to stay virgins, and the only obvious solution, having men all be homosexual, is also out apparently.

This might be the most simultaneously funny, sad, and accurate thing I've read in a long time.

Now I'll go back to feeling like a bad friend for not responding to the last several months worth of messages only to come
back and respond to what you wrote while ignoring all of Duncan's posts. :cringe_kanbei:

Jackie Milton (06/01/2020 01:20am):
I appreciate your thoughts on some of those old posts. There's certainly a lot there... But I'm glad to have your perspective.

A thought is a thought no matter how old.
If it sits long enough, perhaps it grows mold,
So bring out the cleaner in any amount,
Tidy it up: it's the thought that counts.
A thought is a thought we slowly unfold.

Re: Booze and friends
My college time had been a lot more social than I anticipated. I've picked up some bad habits (I smoke very occasionally, and
I drink quite regularly), but I've also picked up some really good friends. I wouldn't say bad habit = good friends, because I
feel that the company I keep wouldn't care if I was a teetotaler, for example. God I'm going to miss them so much. I wrote a
little poem, and cried when I finished it. I'll be moving to the west coast for a short stint soon, but I was back in Maryland for a
week. Got to see some of my buddies (hopefully I will see them again for a wedding in August), but I had three rough days.
One night I realized it was all about to end. The day I had to move out of my room and tie all my loose ends; I was fine all
day, last time in my room, last meal in King Hall. I was doing good, running around, sweating. Then I signed my
commissioning papers and walked off deck. I squared my last corners down the stairs, and when I got to my friend's car, I
couldn't keep it together. Waah. I was a mess. Then the night I finished the poem. We had one final class email chain
dumpster fire. It's making me emotional even now... But there will be new adventures in store for me. I hope.

Re: Terminal Tyrant
Yeah. You're probably right. It's silly for me to think I can change him. He talks like a Spirit Science video. Only less... nice.
It's just tough for me, because for a while (before the nazi stuff, but he was still an edgelord) he was there for me when a lot
of other people weren't. Very fitting for the abuser conversation right now. We had an altercation in high school where I was
bothering him while he played mario kart or something. He snapped, and pushed me down, and it was a weird thing. He's
since tried to gaslight me into thinking he had to defend himself. Anyway, I haven't talked to him in over a month. Maybe I
should keep it that way.

Re: Crossing Dress
I've kinda missed the boat on that one. I might still have to work up to that. Ideally, I'd have some encouragement from a
close friend (or even better, romantic partner), who can help me build my confidence and style along the way. One of my
classmates has already helped me with some nail polish. It's not much, but it's something. I'm still pretty bad at it anyhow,
speaking of "left-handed," painting the right hand is tough... In the meantime, I'll stick to more feminine palettes and outfits,
among my more masculine attire. I mean, at some level, I still like pretending to be a boy too.

Re: Chromosome
Clearly, all men must be asexual, since we all know denying a piece of your humanity is the most masculine thing you can
do. And along with that, all women must be gay, but only to be gawked at by the celibate voyeurs.

Re: Priorities
Yeah, James. I get the message.

Jackie Milton (11/16/2020 04:08am):
It’s update time again. Definitely long overdue, but I don’t really think the concept of due dates should apply here anyway. I’m
mocking this up on my flight to Japan. The beginning of my 21 month journey overseas. I’m excited, it’s for real now. If I
looked back to my 2015 self, I really would not have anticipated the position I’m in now. Not that it was an aspiration or
anything. Pretty neutral really. Just interesting how things play out. I find myself looking back to my first night of Plebe
Summer. We went through a whole day of administration, and the absolute chaos of military indoctrination. I spent that first
night on my two loose sheets (they didn’t teach us how to make our beds yet), and I remember smiling to myself. I was
excited and ready for change, I was ready to commit to the choice I made for better or worse, and I was entirely composed.
Nights after that would be a less sure, probably because I was so tired, but that night I slept well. I certainly think I have
grown a lot as a person, but sometimes I’m impressed by my past self, I wrote a lot of great poetry in high school, I held
many school leadership positions, and I had a regular workout routine for a while. I am going to make that commitment to
myself again tonight, my first night in Japan. Who knows what the next two years or so will bring, but this plane isn’t turning
around. So here’s to good routines, new adventures, and unknown challenges.

Now with that out of the way, I almost forgot that the world is going to shit. The election is over and isn’t. I’m sick of the
nonsense, and I’m glad Biden was elected over Trump, but I’m nervous. This election was way too close, and these
sentiments won’t go away. I don’t trust Biden to actually do anything good (understanding that nothing is better than explicit
harm). So we’ll see. Everything is so tense right now, and I’m afraid things will just continue to fall apart. Slowly. Boringly. It’s
strange, I felt a similar way four years ago, when I didn’t know if Jacqueline would come back after the election. But this is so
much more existential. Anxiety to numbness. The world is melting under our feet, and no one will lift a finger.

So that’s depressing. Maybe I should have started with that. In any case, things are changing for me and for the world. It will
be nice when I finally get settled in with a house and everything. That will be real real adult time for me.

Nyvelion (04/12/2022 01:35pm):
Stupid invasion of Ukraine. Made me think of you. Because you had that training or enlistment or whatever military related thing it was. I don't know much about how that works.

I hope you're doing okay.

...I like you and all but this is weird for me. I felt compelled to come back, but not for myself or any part of my past like usual.

This is why I usually only talk about the people I don't like. It's easier. I don't care if it gives people the false impression that I'm a negative person. It hurts too much losing the people I like. I easily like or liked at least 20 people I've met on AWBW for each one that I hate. But I hate thinking about that. I'd rather talk about AutumnBitchStorm who decided to metaphorically kick me when I was down after I told people about what happened to me that made me the way that I am. Or about that idiot sulla with his childish insults and worthless threats. Or that guy who used to call me "Nyvelion estupido". Forgot his name. But I guess that guy was almost too silly to hate. Then there's this other person who I'm not sure if I should hate because I can't tell if they're just a ridiculously poor communicator or if they were trying to emotionally abuse me, still not sure what to believe on that one. Even that one whiny guy, I forgot his actual username because I think of him as "Bob Complainer Whiner", I think if he just got whiny about a 1v1 match I would have just blocked and ignored him as if he was any other newbie, but I remember being annoyed that it felt like he was ruining a game with all of us after the last one didn't feel right because it was FOW.

Anyway, why choose that direction? Because the alternative is thinking about all the people I met since 2006 here who I'll never see again. SimaMatt was one of the nicest people I've ever met. Nahbien was one of the smartest and I wish I spent more time talking to him. Heidern was one of the only people who could consistently make me laugh, and I loved that. Snack was a really cool guy and I think we could have been close friends. You know what, even though I'm not sure if they even liked me that much, I even miss CanadianM and FunkyChuck, I think if I had spent more time talking to them I bet we'd be friends too. I used to ahve great discussions with SmackCakes. Melon was... very important to me, for a time, and I'll never forget that. RDS and Kayz were pretty great too, they were cool but like a different way from Snack being cool. Randomizer... I think I still owe him for an act of kindness a long time ago. I appreciate MorganLeah just because after so many years on this site, I think my most epic AWBW match was a 1v1 with him, back in my AW prime of being pretty good even if I was no top 3 player even in 2008. I'm not sure what he thought of me, but I thought Headphone was a good guy too. I could keep going but I think that's enough for now. The problem is that it hurts to think about never talking to any of them again.

I've been afraid to keep making friends online, even though I have to because... real life has men in it and I'm never 100% going to get used to that so I spend a lot of time online instead. But it happened again. Ukraine happened. Then I thought of this place. At first I didn't know why. It's a war, sort of? But I've been done with AW for awhile. And I don't know if I ever would have liked Advance Wars if my brother didn't, I often just do whatever he does to avoid making decisions. But it wasn't that. I was thinking of you. I guess I do care about people. I guess I care about you. I can't avoid this after all, no matter how much I try to hide behind who I hate, I can't stop thinking about the people that I care about.

Jackie Milton, come back and say that you're okay. I'll check later to see if you did. Xmo5, I didn't forget about you, maybe you could say something too. Just one more time at least. I would like that very much. Then I won't have to think about losing you too.

Nyvelion (04/12/2022 01:40pm):
...AWBW looks very different now by the way.

It's odd. I think I just had a realization. The fact that AWBW was unchanging for so long meant it was a thing I could hold onto from my past. Now that is gone too, it's different enough to not feel like it's the same AWBW from so long ago.

How strange to think that a long time ago, I was asking around if I could be the one to help with AWBW, because I like to feel helpful. It didn't happen, I guess amarriner wasn't really looking for someone like that until years after, but now I wonder what I would have felt if it happened. Doesn't matter now. It has been time to let go for a very long time.

Nyvelion (04/12/2022 01:58pm):
> I’m mocking this up on my flight to Japan. The beginning of my 21 month journey overseas.
I enjoyed the 1 second I spent thinking this was a cool vacation before realizing why someone would spend 21 months in Japan. I never did ask your nationality, because it shouldn't matter anyway, but I would guess you are not Japanese and this is not a long vacation in the homeland.

> ...and the absolute chaos of military indoctrination
Strange, on the scale of Law vs Chaos, I thought military indoctrination would be as far from the chaos end as possible. Those strict rules and emphasis on authority and orders are just part of what I don't like about the military.

> I spent that first night on my two loose sheets (they didn’t teach us how to make our beds yet)
...temporarily resisting urge to comment on different gender expectations.

> I wrote a lot of great poetry in high school
Admirable!

> I almost forgot that the world is going to shit.
Oh right, the whole rise of far right fascism. Yeah that's been a problem in multiple countries. And not just the "third world" ones, the ones with nukes and stuff.

>I don’t trust Biden to actually do anything good (understanding that nothing is better than explicit harm).
Couldn't have put expectations better myself. I too will take no significant change over a guy who openly wants to be a dictator.

Nyvelion (04/12/2022 02:09pm | Edited: 04/12/2022 02:26pm):
You know what? As long as I'm here, I realize that not one comment I've made here has been about the map, deleted or otherwise. Let's take a look at this map, one last time.

This map is terrible. I was focused only on the name before. Which certainly got a lot started that I didn't expect to happen. But anyway, on to the rest:
1. Those are BH units, but GS buildings!
2. An army that faces right should been used on the left side!
3. Too many properties for this map size!
4. Too blocky!
5. Too many bases!
6. All of the airports can be covered by opposing missile units!
7. That chokepoint in the middle!
8. Not enough terrain variety!
9. The map name is not only terrible, but how can... that... be "advance"?! That doesn't even make sense!
10. Too symmetrical!

1/10. I'd give it a 0/10, but someone fixed that years ago because I just had to go all white hat and tell admin exactly how I was doing it. ("0" was explicitly blocked, and "-" so no negative ratings were ever possible, but if you browser hacked in a "0.1" it would bypass that and then round it down to a 0 rating)

Jackie Milton (04/20/2022 09:25am):
I'm ok. At least, that is to say that I'm not dead in Ukraine. Which is good. If I'm more honest, I've been struggling a lot lately
some days more than others, but I can make another post about that.

Jacqueline,
I'm so happy to hear from you -- someone I will never stop caring about. You make a good point about internet interactions
being somewhat abstracted from the real world. This was the only place I could really place my feelings, and my first
intimate relationship came out of the discord at least. And in other news, I'm not so much of a man as I used to be, which is
to say I frequently consider overdosing on estrogen. At any rate, you will always be a big part of my life whether you are
here or doing your own thing, but I'm so thrilled to see your posts.

The awbw overhaul was really just a one-thing-led-to-another situation. First the discord got traction, then the domain
changed, then I guess amarriner forked over the reigns to walker, then the community was large enough that people with
enough time on their hands could alter it. But I think it's certainly true that in a bit of an abstract way, you were helpful or
even essential to that being the case. There were only a handful of fun, interesting people when I first joined, and without
you and Xmo5 I would not have stuck around or had community. I think you held the torch long enough that others carried
the flame, even if completely unintentional.

>Japan
I have a little under 4 years left on my military obligation, and I will probably spend a little more

>Indoc
You may be surprised how much chaos exists in a system of strict law and order (especially when laws and orders are
chaotic in and of themselves)

>Sheets and gender
Comment away. That said, the women in my class had more or less the same experience on those first nights. Also
coincidentally, my first week in my apartment was spent similarly on an air mattress and two sheets.

>Poetry
Yeah.... that has gone off the rails. The time I do have for creativity I mostly just drink and/or consume media at rapid pace.
Still struggling to get better about that.

>Shit
Not a big fan of fascism, eh? yeah. politics is weird in the military. Most of my colleagues (the high ranking ones) are
liberals. My core friends are progressive left-leaning liberals, and I'm probably more open about my socialist leanings than I
ought to be. The conservatives in my group fall either into the category of annoying or knuckle-dragging. That said, politics
is kind of taboo especially at work. which is of course ironic that our job is politics via violence. Still, being active duty and
overseas has a certain distance from (US) politics that makes it all really abstract. (I like that word tonight for some reason)

>Biden
You can probably hear me groaning from wherever you are in the world.

No pressure to stick around here, but it might inadvertently inspire me to start journaling again. which I would like.

Jackie Milton (04/20/2022 09:40am):
Also, I have a confession. You made me a perler bead guitar and a handwritten letter that I kept
by my desk all four years of school. Somehow in my move I must have misplaced them. Ive
been devastated and I hope they turn up. But Is there any chance you could make me another?

Xmo5 (05/29/2022 02:06am):
I remember back in about 2015, sometime after returning from his hiatus, Walker said to me that the community is what had
always kept him around, and that he'd left when a lot of his friends slowly started moving on. I couldn't relate to that at the time;
I had always kind of kept to myself for the most part and enjoyed doing my own thing. Sure, I participated in map comments
and there were people I was friends with, but I'd always been on the outside looking in at the larger community, and I preferred
it that way because I *felt* like an outsider, like I didn't have the credentials to fit in with the rest of the community that was
established well before I showed up. Or, at least I didn't have the credentials until they all left... but I honestly didn't mind
because that's not what brought me joy about AWBW.

As it would happen, 2015 was the year that all started changing. The community had grown small and fragmented enough and
I had gained enough confidence that I asserted myself more in the community. In the meantime, Walker popped back in and
tried to reform the map committee and recruited me since I was actually active and seemed to know what I was doing (it was a
facade). This was also right at the time Duncan joined the site and right at the start of my heyday in the comments section with
Jacqueline. I didn't realize at the time how much my perspective was changing, but I felt like I was a real part of the community
for the first time and making real, genuine friends.

By the time the discord server was formed, back during the dark ages when the site was having major issues, I was really
hitting my stride and feeling very fulfilled. It wasn't long after that I started realizing I really didn't care too much about playing
AWBW or designing maps anymore; they were fun, sure, but they weren't the source of my fulfillment... it was the people and
the community and the sense of satisfaction from trying to make the experience better for everyone. Somehow, in just a few
years I had made a complete 180, almost without noticing.

Now, the reality is that I'm completely burnt out on AWBW. I still love the AW games, I love the art and science of map design, I
love the site, and I love the memories I've made here... but what I really love is the people I've been fortunate enough to have
met and befriended and shared experiences with. They're the only reason I'm still around, even though many of them have
moved on themselves. Yet, in many ways, I'm closer to where I started than it seems; between burnout and other priorities, I've
been so inactive that I've come full circle and feel like an outsider in the community again. Just a ghost from an era long past
that haunts the regular users walking through the halls to get a laugh every now and again, but otherwise blends in with the
background and passes unnoticed. And just like before, I'm okay with that, because I don't need to be a regular user to get
enjoyment out of the site. What keeps me around now is what this community and the people in it have meant to me over the
years.

> The problem is that it hurts to think about never talking to any of them again.

It does, and doubly so when it's mixed with the guilt of being the one who hasn't held up their end of the friendship as well as
they should have... Duncan, I hope it goes without saying but my absence here isn't a reflection of anything but my own chaotic
life and shortcomings, and for that I'm sorry; sometimes it's the things we care about most that we also take the most for
granted.... But for me at least, talking about them is what reminds me how much I love AWBW and the time I've spent here.
More than the games I've played or the maps I've designed or anything else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hi, I'm back again, by coincidence 2 years to the day since my last post. I don't really know what to say, to be entirely honest.
While my absence may suggest otherwise, I've missed you both. So much life has gone by in these 2 short years that I don't
even know where to start in catching you up, and honestly I probably forget most of it by now anyway... so it's probably
sufficient to just say that I'm doing well, albeit busy and overwhelmed with everything that's going on right now.

[I'm apparently typing more than I can fit in one post, so Part 2 is incoming below]

Xmo5 (05/29/2022 03:05am):
Instead I'd rather just respond to some more of the stuff here, starting with the most important:

> Or that guy who used to call me "Nyvelion estupido"

Everyone's favorite presidential candidate and 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th best friend, amigo1234. Amigo is unironically one of my
favorite users to ever grace the site with their presence, though admittedly much of the fun came from everyone messing
around with them, and a couple of you making alts. Some of my most fun memories of AWBW shenanigans come from the
amigo saga and it certainly got the site abuzz.

So much so, that I have a confession to make. Duncan, do you remember that troll account Friedr1ch who seemingly only
spoke in consonants and published masterpieces the likes of Bttr bttl or blk hl tnk? That... that may have been me. I don't know
if you suspected it or not, but only a couple of people in the community know... Walker found out after the fact with sneaky dev
tools, and I can only think of one other person from the community that I told, and they're from the Wargroove community.

Anyway, while it may have been some goofy trolling fun on my part, I actually didn't do it for that. I was inspired by how much
amigo got people's attention and created so many fun memories for me and I wanted to do the same for the seemingly
hopeless community at the time. Basically, so many things were going wrong with the site and so few people were left that I
wanted to have some fun doing something dumb that might get people engaged and give them something to laugh at. ...I don't
think it got too many people engaged besides you, but I had fun with it at least... and now you know.

> Xmo5, I didn't forget about you, maybe you could say something too. Just one more time at least. I would like that very much.
Then I won't have to think about losing you too.

Hi! Here I am saying things! I'm not really active here anymore, but if you ever want to find me, I'm active on Discord under
Xmo5#5944 or on Steam under Xmo5 if you don't have/want a Discord account. If you don't want to find me, then that's cool
too, so no pressure. I'll look forward to either hearing from you someday or assuming you made the right choice for you by not
reaching out; either way I'm happy. =)

> Couldn't have put expectations better myself. I too will take no significant change over a guy who openly wants to be a
dictator.

I guess that makes us 3 for 3!

> There were only a handful of fun, interesting people when I first joined, and without
you and Xmo5 I would not have stuck around or had community. I think you held the torch long enough that others carried
the flame, even if completely unintentional.

I know I sort of addressed this in the opening to my comment, but I just want to be clear how significant of a role you played in
making this site feel like it was worth hanging around on through all the problems. I probably would have stayed regardless, but
you're a big part of why I enjoyed it so much during that time and why I still care about it so much today. And Jacqueline, I
know I mentioned this before in a different map comment section from my favorites, but even to this day, the way I comment or
chat on discord when I'm having the most fun is 100% modeled after you. On a related note:

> I don't care if it gives people the false impression that I'm a negative person.

I never once got that impression. Your posts were always so witty and poetic and full of humor and I looked up to you for years
before I eventually came out of my shell and started feeling confident enough to try my own hand at it. For a very long time
now it's been my own natural style when I want to post just for the sake of my own enjoyment, but at the time it was emulation
because, like a 7 year old kid trapped in an 18 year old's body, at the time I joined the site I wanted to be just like you when I
grew up.

[Well this is embarrassing, I'm out of space again... could you imagine if I gave a life update and didn't skip straight to the good
part?]

Xmo5 (05/29/2022 03:52am | Edited: 05/29/2022 03:54am):
> 1. Those are BH units, but GS buildings! 2. An army that faces right should been used on the left side!

I have a Pet Peeve for that. It's Pet Peeve 58641 and it covers both of those and more. Coincidentally, it's actually dedicated
to you, who already got there and were peeved by the pet first:

"Oh hello! What do we have here! Looks like two big ol' scoops of Pet Peeve. I heard you wanted the 26763/2932 combo, so
here you go.

*disconcerting scooping noises*

Also, in honor of Nyvelion, Queen of GS, I, as the tyrannical steward to her throne, will take it upon myself to pen a new pet
peeve in response to the perpetual misuse of unit alignment, referring to both directionality and faction, not least of which as
it pertains to GS units, who should always be held in the highest regard, while simultaneously, and seemingly unrelatedly,
ensuring to use no fewer than ten commas within a single sentence, an accomplishment universally understood to be the
ultimate display of strength and power, so as to drive the point home when I present to you:

Pet Peeve #58641:

When you fail to align your units correctly by either facing them the wrong direction or placing them with the wrong country
altogether. Bonus points if you manage both, and double bonus points if you've given BH units to GS."

> 9. The map name is not only terrible, but how can... that... be "advance"?! That doesn't even make sense!

It's not what it was originally intended to mean, but you could argue that falls under Pet Peeve # 14352, "When you use a
descriptive map title that's blatantly inaccurate."

As an aside, I've left a lot of Easter egg comments on abandoned maps in like the 2017-2020 timeframe. I hope somebody
stumbles across them someday... You can see part of one of my favorite silly series at 17261, but you'll have to work a lot
harder if you want to find (most) of the rest. :P

>Poetry- Yeah.... that has gone off the rails.

Sadly same. I need to get back into writing things for fun and creative expression...

> That said, politics is kind of taboo especially at work. which is of course ironic that our job is politics via violence.

How can you politics via violence if you're too busty politics via talking? Exactly, you can't.

- - - - - - - - -

Alright, I think I've spent so long on this trilogy of posts that I'm almost too embarrassed to say that "so long" is 3-4 hours. It's
nearly 4 am and I'm tired. Sorry this was so long and aimless, and hopefully it won't be another 2 years before I post here
again.

X. Y. 5. (The Y stands for "you guYs are honestly really awesome people and I hope you don't forget that amid the chaos of
the world and times we live in. Stay safe and healthy, both physically and mentally, and live every day like you're as great and
deserving as I know you are, even if you don't always feel like it's true. Until next time. ♥ )

Xmo5 (06/13/2022 10:40pm):
I've always been a fan of good song lyrics. There's just something I really appreciate about witty, clever, or funny lyrics or the
way certain thoughts and feelings can be put to words so beautifully, especially with the aid of music that carries the tone
and emotion of the poetry, and I just connect with it on such a raw, deep level.

But I came across a song the other day with lyrics that hit me at a different level entirely and I haven't been able to stop
thinking about them since. It's at the end of a song by Muse that I'd never heard of before and right as the song passes the
intense climax, it slows down almost to a standstill, and nearly acapella we get this:

> And I've had recurring nightmares
> That I was loved for who I am
> And missed the opportunity
> To be a better man...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jWw0Rr47-M&ab_channel=Muse-Topic

Maybe it doesn't seem like much on paper, but when I heard that I was genuinely dumbstruck, like I'd just had a major
paradigm shift and was frozen there, mouth agape, absorbing it. I think a big part of it is the slow motion roller coaster you
go on as you transition from line to line, sort of hanging on every word because of the sudden drop in pace and the drawn
out delivery. As I listened the first time through, I was perplexed at each step, trying to figure out why being accepted for who
you are would be a recurring nightmare... until I hit that last line and everything turned upside down.

Like, I suddenly I was hit with this rush of "Why *shouldn't* that haunt me in my nightmares? Why shouldn't I be afraid of the
complacency of acceptance and fulfillment eroding away at my active efforts to be a better person?" And sure, it's not like
it's a concept I'm unfamiliar with or anything, but even still, everything about the way the lyrics were crafted and delivered
set me up for the perfect rug pull. I took the bait and when the trap sprung, it just instantly snapped me out of the stupor of
daily monotony and embedded itself in my head in such an impactful way that I'm not sure how to describe it.

I don't really know what else to say about it, but I just wanted to share. Hopefully I won't let this opportunity to be a better
man pass me by.

Nyvelion (08/09/2023 09:19pm):
Now there's proof that it was right to leave this place. Whoever is modding AWBW now is openly defending someone named "Mangs", a known rapist, just because supposedly he's bringing people to the site. I wish I were in charge so I could ban him immediately. I can't be a part of a website that openly defends an admitted rapist. And racist and homophobe which is bad enough... but I may have mentioned before that when it's a rapist then it's a bit more personal for me. The glory days of AWBW are obviously over, this is no longer a good place.

Nyvelion (08/09/2023 10:33pm | Edited: 08/09/2023 10:53pm):
And now I'm reading that apparently before the forums disappeared entirely, this "Mangs" used his influence to have... a certain post I made... deleted? I didn't even know him at the time that I came out to explain why I am the way that I am since it was coming out anyway, but he took offense at my hatred of rapists anyway?

What HAPPENED to this place? Everyone I knew and liked is gone and it's just alt-right rapists/rape apologists now?

Sorry that this time I didn't come back because I heard of a war and after a little while realized I wasn't thinking of AWBW because of the first W, but because of you... it's just... I spent so much time here. I made friends here, although I suppose I never did decide to join AWBW life and personal life. I even did a few things to try to improve AWBW which possibly nobody would remember now. This place was important to me for personal reasons from back when I was a teen apparently, going by my join date. So why is the place I put so much time and effort into over the years PROMOTING A RAPIST. Maybe it is the same community in name only when almost everyone I knew left and I'm only seeing names I don't recognize everywhere, but I still HATE IT that this happened.

Jackie Milton (09/01/2023 06:01pm):
I'm struggling to give you an appropriate response. I don't think I can. From your
position, I don't think this is anything short of betrayal. Your work here helped keep
the site around both from a maintenance and cultural perspective. People still
reference you in the discord. So I can see how this is a slap in the face.

I hate to see you hurting, and I feel compelled to respond. but maybe that's for my
own sake. With that in mind, I think I do and say a lot of things for my own sake.
My very existence on this page is an example; I feel I intruded a place I never ought
to have, and I am sorry for that. I don't need your forgiveness. I will always feel that
my place here has been an unjustified intrusion. On the other hand, I don't think I
would have involved myself in victim advocacy as substantially as I have, had I not
met the you in this thread. Part of your legacy lies with me, a piece of myself that
is almost fundamental to my self conception and moral drive. My meeting you
gave me purpose I may not otherwise have found, not just because of what
happened to you, but the person you are. While I will never know you in totality, I
looked up to you ten years ago, and I look up to you now. Your humor, wittiness,
passion, creativity, and perseverance continue to drive me to be a better person. As
usual, I'm making this about myself, but I often only interact with you in the
abstract.

If you see this, I guess I just want you to know your efforts here weren't for nothing.
And perhaps you outgrew it ages ago -- you have no obligation to look back.

walkerboh01 (03/21/2024 02:01am):
"Whoever is modding AWBW now is openly defending someone named "Mangs", a known rapist, just because supposedly
he's bringing people to the site."

"And now I'm reading that apparently before the forums disappeared entirely, this "Mangs" used his influence to have... a
certain post I made... deleted? I didn't even know him at the time that I came out to explain why I am the way that I am since
it was coming out anyway, but he took offense at my hatred of rapists anyway?

What HAPPENED to this place? Everyone I knew and liked is gone and it's just alt-right rapists/rape apologists now?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Not that I expect you to see this, but I'm still the admin here. Dunno if you remember me from back in the day or not. Xmo5
is still on the admin team, too. But pretty much everything in the quoted parts above are just not true. I don't blame you,
since it's a pretty emotionally charged topic and there's no way for you to know from the outside what's true or not. But just
know that the people who are still "in charge" of AWBW are the same people who have always been, and are people who
are incredibly sympathetic to victims of abuse. We would never let AWBW become an unsafe space.

Hope you're doing well, if you see this.

Nyvelion (02/27/2025 09:02pm | Edited: 02/27/2025 09:27pm):
The guy who found me and told me about this 1.5 years ago messaged me again and reminded me of this. Ugh. Apparently I take that whole mess personally even though I know this is not about me at all and should not try to make it about me. If I was going to get reminded of this place, I really wish it was "Hey Jackie, you did some really creative things on AWBW, one of your maps was inspiring, and at least one of your attempts at humor actually was funny!" instead of this.

Maybe I was upset and did not read the original message well. So AWBW is not actually actively promoting the guy who I have since learned is not an R exactly but he did sexually assault a woman? That is good. It sounded bad from what I was initially told. I did not like what I had heard.

I think part of why I came out here is because I thought I owed everyone an explanation for why... I am the way that I am. I guess this is going to stay with me my entire life, getting really upset at certain subjects. It is odd to think that if it is 2025 now... then I joined AWBW at around half my current age. Yeah... definitely stuck with this for life then. I also hope to not see whatever I had to say as my teenage self in any map comments, but that is not important right now. Maybe there is nothing left to say on that subject, even if it is actually related to the name of the map that we somehow ended up coming together on.

I am sorry, present company on this map is excluded from anything bad I have to say. Xmo5 and Jackie Milton (I forget if I had permission to call you anything else, it has been awhile, I still default to full usernames until given permission otherwise), because most of my other friends left AWBW over a decade ago, you were basically my last reasons for staying on AWBW. I probably mentioned this and then deleted it at some point, but looking back I am not actually sure how much I ever liked Advance Wars, I joined because my brother was here and I'll follow him anywhere, I stayed for a little while when I realized that AW maps has potential for so much more creativity than I saw from the maps that existed on the cartridges, and then I stayed for awhile longer because I met so many people I actually liked. Looks like I already mentioned several of them earlier. That was not even a complete list. Kayz and RDS... I wonder if I needed you two because both of them left. I think the four of you would have gotten along well. Maybe I need to get better at accepting people leaving my life. I have always taken that rather hard. Not as much as the other thing, but still. I really hope nobody I cared about on AWBW thought that I only hate people. I would not have been here for so many years if I did. I liked at least 10 times more people here than I didn't, probably more. Maybe not much point to trying to comeback. I look at the list of people online... I do not recognize any of them anymore...

Nyvelion (02/27/2025 09:24pm):
"I remember back in about 2015, sometime after returning from his hiatus, Walker said to me that the community is what had
always kept him around, and that he'd left when a lot of his friends slowly started moving on."

I understand that now.

"Also, in honor of Nyvelion, Queen of GS"

Ha... I started exclusively using GS because of some silly teen reason of "my soul feels like darkened clouds" after that day... not even triggering any more, just feels so silly. I actually prefer purple. I should have let you take GS in that one game a long time ago. I wish I could have enjoyed it more, but it was my own fault for not telling you that I never cared much for Fog Of War.

"I have a Pet Peeve for that. It's Pet Peeve 58641"

You have that many? I like you even more now.

"I don't really know what to say, to be entirely honest.
While my absence may suggest otherwise, I've missed you both. So much life has gone by in these 2 short years that I don't
even know where to start in catching you up, and honestly I probably forget most of it by now anyway... so it's probably
sufficient to just say that I'm doing well, albeit busy and overwhelmed with everything that's going on right now. "

Same...

"As an aside, I've left a lot of Easter egg comments on abandoned maps in like the 2017-2020 timeframe. I hope somebody
stumbles across them someday... You can see part of one of my favorite silly series at 17261, but you'll have to work a lot
harder if you want to find (most) of the rest. :P "

I wish I had the time to find them! I love the idea of doing that.

"By the time the discord server was formed"

Not too important right now, but is this Discord really becoming a big thing? Feels like I am hearing about it increasingly often lately. Might be a replacement for forums? I think I heard about it being used for voice a long time ago, and avoided it in case anyone wanted me to talk.

"and seemingly unrelatedly, ensuring to use no fewer than ten commas within a single sentence"

...do I do that? It is not intentional. I do not read most of the things that I type.

"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jWw0Rr47-M&ab_channel=Muse-Topic "

Not my taste in music, but the lyrics were alright.

Nyvelion (02/27/2025 10:18pm):
"Not that I expect you to see this,"

Fair enough, I do not think when I joined around 2005-2007 that I foresaw still being here this many years later, even if far less frequently.

"but I'm still the admin here."

Neat, did you make AWBW look different? It's interesting to me because a long time ago I considered offering to do something like that since I wanted to feel useful, but that does not matter any more. Looks like you did a good job then, the old design was looking a bit early 00's era.

"Dunno if you remember me from back in the day or not."

I do. Though the main interaction that I remember was about something else. Story time!

A long time ago, someone, not any of you here, implied that I would be less liked if I were not a woman.

It's possible that some or all of you know this already, but that is not how the internet or real life works. All some guys see is "Men are nicer to women". Are they though? Because I can tell you that however "nice" some people are, it is far harder to get "respect". All my life I have had a harder time getting anyone to acknowledge that I can actually DO things. Being a woman means having to do twice as much for the same amount of respect. Frustratingly and sadly, it's not even just the fault of men, other women are almost as bad about acknowledging other women. I even used to get this from my own family at gatherings. I know my older brother is a genius at everything... but I do things too! Do you want to know how many times he was the "smart" one and I was the "pretty" one? They may have meant well, but I have done pretty well for myself too in matters other than existing and having a body! Even here, half the reason I made that Move Planner a long time ago was that I said I could program, and it seemed like nobody believed me, and I was upset and looked for a way to prove it. Yeah, that tool I made to help people was made while upset. Apparently disproving other people's wrongly low expectations of me is highly motivating. I said I could program, and I meant it. Why would I lie about that? It's not even my main skill, I can do many things, though most of the other things are not relevant to AWBW, so I did that.

I should get on topic now. I do not claim to have ever been the top player at Advance Wars, that was never going to happen, didn't even try for that goal because I knew I did not have what it takes to be #1 at a turn based strategy game. But on the forums, I entered... I would guess between 7 and 9 different Mafia/Werewolf games? That sounds right. Ended up on both sides more than once. And I won every time. I do not know everyone else's record, but I doubt anyone else was at 100% wins after that many games. I was very good.

So what happened in the last game I was in? Walkerboh01... I am sure you were just excited about the game and wanted to get really into it... but whether you meant to or not, you and Glenstorm together kinda completely took it over. I think I remember Glenstorm even complaining about others not participating, even though the reason for that was that you took over and did not listen to anyone else. In a way, it actually helped me, because I was on the bad guy side in that game, and one of the other players actually correctly pointed out me and one of the others, probably had the detective-type role, but the two of you were so busy trying to do everything yourselves that it was ignored, and my side ended up winning in the end after discreetly taking that player out. You guys seemed to think you were the best at that game and could do it all yourselves, but... well... in the end you did lose... to me... Maybe since I was on the bad side, it ended up being the correct decision not to listen to me, but it still felt pretty insulting to be ignored when nobody could have known my role at the time. On the plus side, Autumn Storm spent the entire game telling everyone to vote me out for petty reasons that had nothing to do with the game (Ha... we really are bad at supporting each other sometimes aren't we?) so everyone else ignoring her worked in my favor. Maybe everyone but you two were being ignored so it wasn't really just me, but I felt like as the one who may have been the #1 Mafia/Werewolf player of AWBW, it did feel like another case of nobody listening to me because I am a woman. It certainly felt similar to every other time in my life that I was ignored when I was trying to talk about a subject I had actual expertise in. I really didn't like that.

Nyvelion (02/27/2025 10:37pm):
"I'm ok. At least, that is to say that I'm not dead in Ukraine. Which is good."

Yay!

"If I'm more honest, I've been struggling a lot lately
some days more than others, but I can make another post about that. "

You should. You listened to me. I'll always listen to you.

"then the community was large enough that people with enough time on their hands could alter it."

The community got larger? That is a surprise. With no new Advance Wars games, and this kind of browser game not appealing to the Gen Z type probably, I thought this community was dying out. Maybe it just felt that way because so many people I knew are gone.

"The time I do have for creativity I mostly just drink and/or consume media at rapid pace."

Cheers!
I might be biased, as someone who does not mind playing up that particular Irish-American stereotype.

"Not a big fan of fascism, eh?"

Correct. I think it is part of my love of creativity. Different is good. I love that there are all kinds of people with their cultures and traditions. So I do not get along well with anyone who wants to erase other cultures, as fascists tend to do. Like when I get excited about Irish-American stuff, it is not because I believe we are superior, it is because I want everyone to share and be excited about all their different cultures too!

"People still reference you in the discord."

Really? I wonder if I want to know who... not sure... maybe someday I should check out this new IRC type thing called Discord. If it's voiced though, I am not doing it. I can't talk to people I can't see. I still don't like talking to people on the phone.

"On the other hand, I don't think I would have involved myself in victim advocacy as substantially as I have, had I not met the you in this thread."

I am unsure how to feel about being your motivation, but... just that you are doing that, I want to thank you very much for that. That really does mean a lot.

"Also, I have a confession. You made me a perler bead guitar and a handwritten letter that I kept by my desk all four years of school. Somehow in my move I must have misplaced them. Ive been devastated and I hope they turn up. But Is there any chance you could make me another?"

I could try. Though neither is likely to look exactly the same as before, I did not think to take a picture before sending it.

"While I will never know you in totality"

..................................I don't do this, um, ever... but... MAYBE... I could consider mixing my real private social media presence with my online only presence for once and invite you to see the real me... if I don't, it's not you, it's me, and if I do, I will need to write out a rather large disclaimer about my comfort zone... which might seem a little silly but it's more than I would offer to just about anyone else I have met online, especially to men. I MIGHT be willing to try it if it's you though.

Jackie Milton (03/03/2025 09:43pm):
I know the timing of my response here makes it seem like I watch this page like a
hawk… Really it's just fate, and I check intermittently almost exclusively to see if
you're still kicking. Which is always a relief.

I'll start off to say, I'm not a man anymore; you can call me Daphne :)

For some updates to the topics you responded to, I'll go in order.

I am still active duty, but as I'm sure you see on the news, time is short for people
like me. This is good and bad. Bad because I'll have to figure out what I wanna be
when I grow up, but good because it means I don't have to participate (or die) in
any stupid illegal wars. I like the nuts and bolts of what I do - driving ships and
nuclear power. But, when it's in the service of war profiteers and imperial
dominance, it gets progressively harder to justify the good parts.

I've honestly been doing really well lately, all things considered. Transition was the
best choice I ever made. I feel more at home in my own body than I ever have. It
turns out that a lot of the angst I shared here earlier were symptoms of gender
dysphoria… This year has been a rollercoaster. Felt love for the first time, had my
first nasty breakup, and now I'm with someone I love dearly, and I think we can
build some kind of future together. I'm happy to say that where I once was
consumed by loneliness, I have figured out how to love myself and be loved by
others. Idk if that's corny, but it's true. Still have a lot of issues, of course, but I have
a good therapist!

One of the biggest influx of new players came from the publishing of Wargroove,
so-called spiritual succesor to AW. A lot of Overlap in communities, including our
very own Xmo5, led to the integration of many new and old AW fans.

I still have my vices. I vape now, and I don't get hammered as much as I used to.
But there's another name for a little bit of poison – “medicine.” Kind of kidding.
Truly, with the estrogen dominance, my metabolism has tanked, my appetite has
not, and my body is reflecting that. So my drinking is gonna have to be more
“special occasion.” And with the possibility of family in the future, the vapé is not
really being kind to my future self. Have you seen the movie The Substance??

It's a very scary time politically. Having spent some time around other socialists,
I'm very scared. Fascists are consolidating power, and the left is divided and
squabbling over petty differences. They do good work, but if this country is headed
for revolution, it's not going to be one that dismantles capital. I try to volunteer and
be involved with mutual aid, victim advocacy, and like you mentioned, preserving
culture. I volunteer at the San Diego Maritime museum, which is pretty cool. But
I'm in California, are you holding up ok?

Hard to say who specifically referenced you, but it's much more just a testament to
your legacy of shitposts, rule bending, and artistic creativity.

I too have had very complicated feelings about your being my motivation for
things. I've felt gross and opportunist in ways that I don't think are fair to you. I
tried to describe this very idea in a poem called “Alchemist” I wrote a long time ago
and posted here. I think I've grown up a bit, in the sense that I met you here in a
very formative time in my life, so it was simple for me to latch on when I had little
else. I think getting older allowed me to construct my own identity and person and
I was able to grow out of that sort of parasocial attachment. It was very hard for
me when you left, but I think I needed that, regardless of what your own reasons
were/are.

And regarding victim advocacy, It's something I sincerely have my heart in. Few, if
any, were there for you, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. I vowed to make
a difference in any way I could. It's not much, but if someone can be less alone in
their suffering and in their recovery, I think that has some value.

I play bass more than guitar. I got a shitty pink one for $23 in Japan, that I love. If
you want to make a new one, there's an idea to spring off of.

Finally, I want to take you up on your offer. I consider you a dear friend and always
will. I'd be honored to be included in your life, if you want to do that. At the same
time, I understand your hesitation, and entirely respect the decision to not mix your
private online presence with me. I would be neither hurt nor disappointed. That
said, whatever disclaimer you give me, I would happily honor. The last thing I would
want to do is violate your privacy or make you feel unsafe. Feel free to message
me here, as I still have a little room in my inbox.

As always, it's good to see you here. I hope you're doing alright, and you and your
family are regularly in my thoughts. Thank you for stopping by. It's an era where
community is more important than ever. And I'm very happy I found community
right here in this thread.